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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 15, 2019 16:10:34 GMT -5
My first therapy session focused on my sexless marriage. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know but she recommended a book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.” I have to work through it before our next session which is in a month. (Keiser is suffering a shortage of therapists).
My therapist is strongly suggesting that I leave. Starting the book and going through the steps isn’t easy. I’m being forced to examine things that I have boxed away in my mind. I suddenly feel completely exhausted. I just want to lay down and sleep. I couldn’t focus on the reading so I got the audio book. It didn’t help. I can’t remember anything I listen to. I will have to keep going back to it and trying to get through it.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 15, 2019 19:03:15 GMT -5
My first therapy session focused on my sexless marriage. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know but she recommended a book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.” I have to work through it before our next session which is in a month. (Keiser is suffering a shortage of therapists). My therapist is strongly suggesting that I leave. Starting the book and going through the steps isn’t easy. I’m being forced to examine things that I have boxed away in my mind. I suddenly feel completely exhausted. I just want to lay down and sleep. I couldn’t focus on the reading so I got the audio book. It didn’t help. I can’t remember anything I listen to. I will have to keep going back to it and trying to get through it. I started reading the book and didn’t finish. I got half way through it and had already checked off so many reasons why I should leave that it didn’t make any sense to read further. My advice- you have a month before you have to report back to your therapist. Take every bit of it to absorb what you are reading. It’s heavy stuff and you need time to process.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 15, 2019 19:56:10 GMT -5
You have posted quite a bit more than usual for you. And it sounds like from one post you have suffered an emotional hit losing a man that you seemed to genuinely connected with. This post reads like your emotional tank is pretty much empty. When that happens it is often difficult to focus and retain information you need to make a good decision that is in your long term best interest. Maybe take the weekend off to recharge a bit. I'm not so sure I like the idea of your therapist advising you to leave after only one session. I should think so important a step would need to be vetted out more than what is normally accomplished in the 1st session.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 15, 2019 21:25:07 GMT -5
worksforme2, it is pretty empty. Such an emotional disappointment. I always say that I don’t crash, I bounce, but right now I am definitely flat.
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Post by warmways on Aug 15, 2019 21:49:05 GMT -5
I also read that book but read it slowly and only took what helped. I don’t think I finished it either. Take care of yourself right now and bring any insights when you see her or him in a month. The therapist works for you so when you feel ready see if there is anything interesting in the book and allow whatever feelings you have to come out. Even if you feel emotionally exhausted and don’t have the energy to read the book and go through the exercises, it’s okay, you can’t force it and need to feel whatever you’re feeling.
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Post by baza on Aug 16, 2019 0:33:44 GMT -5
Re - "Too Good To Leave - Too Bad To Stay".
Like a lot of these books, what tends to happen is this -
If you have one foot out the door already, this book may give you further sound reasons to take the next step out.
If you don't have one foot out already, then the book will probably not have any impact on you at all. It might not even be read.
Anyway, I reckon it's a good book, well worth reading, whether you do anything with the information at this time or not.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 22, 2019 18:58:39 GMT -5
I've considered that book for a while when I was in a marriage without desire, and many many times in my rather robust dating life in a metropolitan city.
One of the things I've come to look for and compare in my dating life (and what led me to finally eject from the marriage), is this idea I've been noodling for a while, and I've found it to be useful in being comfortable with romantic decisions that would have devastated me in the past.
It's basically about the gist. You can draw up pros and cons until the cows come home, but like baza says, your mileage will depend on your valence in these conflicts, and your partners.
Chances are, if you are investing in books and solutions to figure out a way to work it out, then you are on the side of investing effort to make it work. Careful attention and hindsight though, makes me look twice at all the times I was the only one doing that - making any effort to find solutions rather than simply airing grievances. You both are in the same relationship, right?
There is a difference between someone who is encountering all these ways and means and is actually leaning in, and someone who is using it to lean out - to justify a decision to stay.
Rather than looking at the totals in that ledger and see the decision as an event, I think it's helpful to look at the trajectory - the direction, the direction of the inertia. In my penultimate counselling session, the counselor had me working through a crescendo of recounting efforts I'd been doing solo, to save the marriage. She asked me why did I feel I needed to keep pulling that rope. I responded reflexively, "Because if I stop, then neither of us will be holding it and there will be no marriage."
We were done within a couple weeks of my realization of what that meant.
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Post by orangepeel on Aug 25, 2019 3:00:09 GMT -5
My first therapy session focused on my sexless marriage. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know but she recommended a book “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.” I have to work through it before our next session which is in a month. (Keiser is suffering a shortage of therapists). My therapist is strongly suggesting that I leave. Starting the book and going through the steps isn’t easy. I’m being forced to examine things that I have boxed away in my mind. I suddenly feel completely exhausted. I just want to lay down and sleep. I couldn’t focus on the reading so I got the audio book. It didn’t help. I can’t remember anything I listen to. I will have to keep going back to it and trying to get through it. There’s an enormous difference, I’d say, between reading a book and reading it and applying each and every sentence to yourself. It’s like the difference between watching weightlifting on tv and actually weightlifting. All the best and hang on in there, whatever you decide.
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Post by theexplorer on Sept 3, 2019 17:00:31 GMT -5
If I recall correctly, the approach the author of that book recommends is to not weigh the good verses the bad in the marriage. It is advised to search for "deal breakers" in the marriage. If you can't tolerate something about the marriage, then the author advises leaving.
Prior to reading the book, I had tried to weigh the good and the bad in the marriage. That plan did not work out well. I was left confused and couldn't figure out what to do. The book helped me sort out my thoughts and opinions. I would recommend the book.
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