Another year, another anniversary. Got her a card and managed to find a restaurant still open. And that is it. Chances of sex, zero, chances of flowers similar.
It is a day, that is all, nothing will change. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I hear you, be the change you want to happen
When I started dating, it was an obsessive type of thing (polyamorists are so well acquainted with New Relationship Energy that they gave it the acronym NRE) and I utterly phoned in her birthday without intending to.
So I set calendar reminders for each day that's been declared a "special day" by society at large.
I exhausted my supply of gifts I'd pre-bought and encouraged her to send me links to stuff she wants (we had a little money after fifteen years so I was able to say that) and bought pretty much whatever she liked. I had gifts ready for the next three holidays.
As Valentine's closed in, I also shopped anniversary cards and birthday cards. Bought as many as fit our sexless marriage (not many, amiright?)
I have a sock drawer lined with them.
Flowers take minimal creativity, so they're easy. I should really set aside a bunch of chocolates too, but they are better fresh. Still, they aren't creative either.
Hm. Better birthday coming up for the Mrs!
After a year of this, we'd collected a supply of fancy restaurants she likes and weeded out duds. I make a reservation when the calendar tells me to.
So, I dispassionately checked off all the boxes that will make every other woman consider me a thoughtful husband. All the trappings of a loving husband with just a methodical blitz of phone calls and one trip to a grocery store.
The wife seems very pleased. She's unaware of how cynical I am. But, y'know, her pleasure at this materialistic bullshit is nice to see. I enjoy her pleasure even as I roll my eyes at the terrestrial nonsense of it all. Don't ask a daisy to be a rose. Daisies are pretty in their own way.
Now, to the point. Cards.
These are the absolute worst part of being "thoughtful and the part my wife has made clear is very important to her.
Heck if I'm spending five bucks on a piece of cardboard that wants to lie about our marriage.
"I'm so lucky to have you" (Uh, no. Objectively the opposite.)
"We were meant to be together." (Shouldn't the first gf/bf shatter that fable? Do enough high school sweethearts exist to keep this line of cards commercially viable?)
"Damn, you're sexy!" (Okay, not a lie. But likely not what you want to hear.)
I end up making a lot of cards. It's less trouble than hunting fruitlessly through Pollyanna aisles of fairy tale romance tributes.
I use PrintShop 6 on an old 32-bit VM. It's too old to work on anything new but it's simplicity is very pleasing.
MS Word likely has something similar. It prints pics and words such that if you fold it twice, it makes a greeting card.
I invite the ILIASM population to construct some Anniversary cards for those seeking kind words to capture sugar-coated truth.
Some nice things to say that may be accurate and sincere. They may need re-wording to sound less factual and more complimentary.
- You're fun to be with.
- I love our kids and there's parts of you I see in them that I like a lot
- I think back fondly on the life we shared.
- I admire your smarts / skills / dedication to your favorite cause / your loving devotion to the kids.
- Your dimples/smile/mole/cheekbones.
- Our house runs like a top.
- I'm lucky to have terrific in-laws.
- You're a superb provider. I never worry about hardship.
- I'd be in tough financial shape without your help. (extra paycheck/free daycare/health insurance/elder care for my mother or father)
- The kids have a great future thanks to your getting them to lessons/tutoring.
- I think God/Jesus/Yahweh/FSM considers you one of his/its best children/servants/pets.
- "25 years, that's a long time" (with thanks to ScottDinTN 's W) "Why, yes! Yes, it is." --Phineas
- Your next spouse will be over the moon for you for a few weeks/months/years. Have them call me when you lose interest. We'll have a beer.
You feel like you just sprayed Lysol all over the greeting card aisle? Me too, but whatever.
Do refusers deserve this much effort? Meh. It can be fulfilling to be a good spouse for our own sake. They make our marriage a sham? So be it. Do the sham well. Especially for those who do not see leaving as an option.
Match up some nice observations about a refuser with a cartoon or picture you think they'd like (animal/scenery/cartoon character they like) and BAM! Custom made card you can give and feel minimally weird about it.
Keep track of which you've already used already! Never pull the curtain back.
Anyone have other sentiments that will be received well? Or graphics that will elicit mirth or other positive response? Pile on.
With Love from your romantic fool.
You're worth feigning thoughtfulness for.
What are you doing with that Taser? Kidding! Put it down! ARGH!
I got off with a warning.
That reminds me, I need some WD40.
Here's to another year of vague shopping lists.
I did not use all of these, nor the captions beneath, but it's a sample of what can be put together.
Your refuser's sense of humor may dictate when the envelope will crinkle for excessive pushing.