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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 21, 2019 7:57:28 GMT -5
lessingham...Back in my SM when I was trying to figure things out and trying to think through various scenarios of actions I might consider taking, I read a forum on wives whose spouse had strayed and how they reacted. As you might expect it was all over the place, with some women able to work through it and others who couldn't. I wasn't surprised by how many women harbored resentment long after their H's infidelity took place. A significant % extracted a sizeable penalty from their spouses and with holding intimacy was often a part of the cocktail of punishments. I read that forum because I was considering the possible outcomes of going outside my marriage. My reading and what I learned from it was one of the reasons I spoke openly with my then W about me having a FWB, instead of trying to do it on the sly. It sounds like your W falls into the category of wives who cannot put that chapter behind them and she may still be exacting tribute for your indiscretion. I never understood the behavior since the only outcome I could see arising from it would be detrimental to the marriage, and really of no benefit to the woman either short or long term.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 21, 2019 9:53:29 GMT -5
Anyone here who had to basically parent themselves or their parent in childhood , “The Drama of the Gifted Child” by Miller May help you develop compassion for yourself and stop taking care of others at your expense.
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Post by Handy on Nov 21, 2019 10:31:00 GMT -5
The Drama of the Gifted Child: Childhood trauma has an effect on adult mental illness.
Miller writes. In a previous blog,I discussed how the emotionally sensitive child attunes to the needs and expectations of a narcissistic parent. The child’s over-attuning to her parent’s needs comes at a steep price. The child loses her own self.
The child’s true self--her feelings and wishes apart from what she perceives her parents want from her--is locked away in a kind of glass cellar inaccessible to the child’s conscious mind. I can imagine this happens too with a narcissistic spouse.
Thank you NSM for the recommendation.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Nov 21, 2019 13:53:59 GMT -5
Our inner voice has been mentioned in this thread. I heard a quote from a high achieving person recently at a conference and I thought it would be great to pass along here. He said, that he was so productive because he didn't listen to his brain, he talked to it. His brain would tell him, its too hard, why try? But he would tell his brain, it is hard, but I can do it. So he did. He said he had to regularly tell his brain what to think because he noticed it was constantly trying to sabotoge him unless he told it what to think.
My inner voice is the same way. I listen to it far to often. I've been trying to tell it what to think more often lately. I have almost no one in my life that tells me, "You can do it!" (Waterboy movie reference). So, I have to be even more diligent in building my own self-esteem and confidence. Finally admitting to myself that I was not the cause for the lack of physical desire from my wife was a first big step in gaining back my self esteem. It only took me 15 years to get that. I can be a slow learner. lol
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Post by Handy on Nov 21, 2019 17:31:12 GMT -5
@scottintn .... it is hard, but I can do it.
Yes, same here. Eating the elephant one bite at a time. One foot in front of the other. One hundred steps, then 100 more steps until the mile is completer and do it again and again until the job is accomplished.
The big one,,,,,,Find 10 things to be thankful for everyday.
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