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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 9, 2019 12:10:10 GMT -5
Moving out of the bedroom, is opening up a whole nother can of worms, when their are kids living in the house.
It blows the cover off of the fake charade that " everyone is happy here, move along, nothing to see here!".
And yet sometimes , exposing the truth gives everyone the much needed freedom that's needed to end a toxic environment.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 9, 2019 12:34:24 GMT -5
Moving out of the bedroom, is opening up a whole nother can of worms, when their are kids living in the house. It blows the cover off of the fake charade that " everyone is happy here, move along, nothing to see here!". Talking with one of my brothers a couple weeks ago. He finally ask why my marriage went bust. I told him about the lack of intimacy and that my X had resorted to moving to another bedroom to avoid it. He recounted how in his youth he brought his high school age date home early and she invited him in. As he entered her parents (both in pj's) came out of different bedrooms. He looked at her and she ask him not to say anything about it to anyone else.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 9, 2019 14:39:49 GMT -5
Moving out of the bedroom, is opening up a whole nother can of worms, when their are kids living in the house. It blows the cover off of the fake charade that " everyone is happy here, move along, nothing to see here!". And yet sometimes , exposing the truth gives everyone the much needed freedom that's needed to end a toxic environment. When I finally was able to come clean and just do what I was going to do, and let people know, I was surprised by how much of an enormous burden lifted. It was still awful and other terrible things happened, but I was not aware until then just how much energy and tension I'd been channeling into keeping up appearances, or the illusion that we were invested in a common future. I don't actually think anyone can really be told this - they will just find out. Don't think for a second that it feels great. It many ways it was more intense, but that one part of it was a lot easier.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2019 14:58:32 GMT -5
Moving out of the bedroom, is opening up a whole nother can of worms, when their are kids living in the house. It blows the cover off of the fake charade that " everyone is happy here, move along, nothing to see here!". And yet sometimes , exposing the truth gives everyone the much needed freedom that's needed to end a toxic environment. When I finally was able to come clean and just do what I was going to do, and let people know, I was surprised by how much of an enormous burden lifted. It was still awful and other terrible things happened, but I was not aware until then just how much energy and tension I'd been channeling into keeping up appearances, or the illusion that we were invested in a common future. I don't actually think anyone can really be told this - they will just find out. Don't think for a second that it feels great. It many ways it was more intense, but that one part of it was a lot easier. You can also honor the time-tested parenting tradition of just lying. We told the kids (they no longer live at home, 2 in College and 1 just out of College) it was my snoring. That's also partly true although I've dropped 25 pounds which has helped.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 10, 2019 11:28:14 GMT -5
solodriver I’m going to start with giving you a cyber hug! Gosh my self esteem was so bad but I put myself out there and met a lot of new people in both conventional and unconventional ways. I also exercised a lot I lost a few pounds but I will always struggle with my weight however I no longer look at myself as undesirable because of the extra weight. My AP helped a lot in that department. Everyone is beautiful because they are uniquely who they are. Again put yourself out there in whatever way is your interest or what will make YOU happy. Hugs Thanks bballgirl,
It's been a hectic week and one of my pets died this week so I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner.
Hugs, SD
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Post by solodriver on Aug 10, 2019 11:33:36 GMT -5
solodriver I can't imagine many worse things than a sexless/loveless relationship for knocking self esteem and self confidence. I agree with focusing on trying new things, venturing out into the world somehow (even virtually at first) and reaching out to people from different 'interest groups'. I am taking small steps forward and not beating myself up when I waver. Try to remind yourself that you deserve to be loved and act accordingly. I am finding that taking responsibility for myself in this situation has been liberating. I'm losing some weight and wanting to exercise more. Any level of intimacy after decades of starvation mode can help build your confidence. If you can't access full on sex, can you access something else to keep you going in the meantime? I had my very first sexting experience last night and it was great! A lot of fun to share something sexual/sensual with another person in a very safe way. It might take a little time to find the right person to share something like that with but the search could be fun for you AND motivating too? There is no pressure to be physically perfect and you can help someone else feel good at the same time. I honestly never would have believed it could be so erotic. There was a spring in my step this morning that has been missing for 20 years! I highly recommend trying something that brings pleasure and fun into your life. Best of luck on your journey. Hi timedelay,
Thanks for your response. I enjoyed your suggestions, but no opportunity to try it yet. Takes two to tango. I bet your smile is still on your face too as well as the spring in your step.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 10, 2019 11:36:30 GMT -5
Wow, thanks for the affirmations!! Of course, it's a reasonably flattering photo nothing that my front facing camera would normally come up with. True story about that photo. It's from last Fall. I wanted to use a real photo here but not something that could be reverse Google searched. I never posted it on Facebook, Instagram, etc. but I wanted to make sure so I did the "Search Google for image" and it came up as "photo not found, suggested search Senior Citizen". WTF Google : ) Back to the original point. I wasn't capable of separating my SM rejections from my self-esteem for a long time. I can do it now at 52 but I couldn't at 32. Even once you find the right space in your head, it takes time and forgiveness. Hey, sounds like you might have a chance to join the ILIASM Matchmaking Service. You've got a few ladies who really like you.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 10, 2019 11:40:47 GMT -5
I dont recommend moving out of the bedroom. I would suggest kicking them out instead if you want to sleep alone. Tell them its a matrimonial bed and room, and if they choose not to partake, they should leave. This gives you agency. Withdraw time and attention from the relationship or whatever is left of it. Stick to logistics and house maintenanance/roommate stuff. Fuck the small talk or "how was your day" BS. Dont be a dick. But dont be available either. This should also set you up for an eventual exit. Be warned that she might seek your attention to reassert herself in the power dynamics, she may say some shitty things. But dont pay it any attention. If she chooses to engage this way you might want to use guerrila tactics. Just look at her funny if you disagree and walk away. Or just nod your head if you agree and walk away. Keep yourself busy with other shit. Its going to drive her nuts because she can feel the ground shifting. But thats her problem not yours. Do something for yourself every day. Meditate, have a brownie/cookie, wear a nice shirt, flirt with the girl at starbucks. Go hiking. Visit a monument. Whatever floats your boat. But do it because it fucking feels good to do it. Do something for others. Volunteer somewhere. Mow the neighbors lawn. Leave twenty bucks at the coffee shop for the people behind you in line. Do something every day for others with no expectation of recognition. Figure out what you are good at. There is a saying. Your talent is god's gift to you. What you do with that talent, is your gift to god. Figure out what it is and gift it to the world. Improve yourself. Lose weight. Learn a skill. Save money. New wardrobe. New haircut. Whatever is achievable. Start with low hanging fruit so you can get some easy wins. But dont be discouraged about rolling up your sleeves for the long haul. Hang out with other dudes. Build your network. Make some time to get social every so often. Once a week, once a month. Whatever makes sense for you. When you are ready. Try to figure out what the rest of your life looks like. What will it take? What changes are needed? How long will it take? For me, this process started with a 90 day reboot. My goal in the reboot was to pivot to a new mindset. For me, it was absolutley necessary because I was driving myself nuts. My self esteem was in the pits. Im almost at the end and I feel like I found that fun guy I knew a long time ago. So with self-improvement, doing nice stuff for yourself and for others, and getting social, you have a shit ton of things to fill your calendar between now and the end of the year that dont involve your SO. So get busy because the clock is ticking. Keep in mind that you are also playing the long game. You are in this for the long haul. And BTW, it wont always be easy. But own it like a son of a bitch because you are worth it. You are doing this for you. The self in self esteem. Godspeed. The rest of your life awaits. "Get busy living, or get busy dying" -Andy Dufresne, Shawshank Redemption Thanks for the suggestions. I will work on those ideas.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 10, 2019 11:44:49 GMT -5
I'm working on trying to restore my self-esteem and confidence as I go through this process. Looking for ideas on how others have done that. Sadly, having sex is not in the picture at this time so I have to figure out another way to rebuild it. I remember much of this! 1) Congrats on realizing that your self image is like a 4 engine B52 ,with one engine left, crash landing behind enemy lines ,and you survived! Time for action!2) Getting a mentor (or 2) helped. Other men or women who have survived the crash, and /or gone through rejection. Even people who may not have had quite the same experience, but do well handling life's problems. You too will, and can be a mentor to someone else in the present and future! ( Your financial situation is a good example. Finding others who have 'been there')* No sex involved in this. But very important*3) Time spent with more positives!! This can require taking! Yes.... giving has rewards. However giving can be... well... too easy. ( giving and not receiving anything back in return. Having enough backbone to do a good job for someone, and then looking them in the eye a,with your hand out and telling them, " you owe me, _____amount. NOW!) Taking, for a codependent equals taking charge, thinking about "what you want" and acting upon it! With this includes 'risk'. Making yourself vulnerable to rejection again. This can be done in smaller increments. As others have suggested, with new hobbies or activities. ( change your environment, and surroundings. ) Change can be good!- Yes, I know... we often say on here " you can't change your spouse", but you can sure change the things and people who have a negative influence on you, and how you influence others. *No sex involved in this. But very important*4) Talking too and meeting other women, and finding out how they perceive you. You will be pleasantly surprised at how wrong your manipulative controlling spouse was, about your image and who you are! And that your low self esteem continued to give her power and control. For me, ushering at a new church helped my self image. Being at the gym, and having people speak with me helped. Being a new talented artist among women with decades of experience in art, and receiving 1st and 2nd prizes helped. *No sex involved in this. But very important*5) Getting validation from 'my family' that my STBX (at the time) had plenty of her own issues, and that I would be a better (joyful) person without her. Was very helpful. * No sex involved in this. But very important*
6) Alone time. Don't discount this! Being self sufficient will carry you through much of life's tests. This does not mean " I'll never be good enough for anyone. No one will ever want me!" Instead it means YOU are good enough for most anyone, but can be just as happy to go it alone when needed. * No sex involved in this . But very important!*
** For me, much of my 'rebuilding' came after knowing-" it was over-" The divorce process- and after the divorce. But I spent 'time- mental and physical *actions* (trial and error) getting ready. And the journey continues! Thanks greatcoastal for the ideas. I'm working on that list.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 10, 2019 11:47:54 GMT -5
I moved out of the bedroom 4 years ago when she complained that I was causing her not to be able to sleep because I hogged the covers, accidently touched her and it woke her, I made the bed too hot, etc. etc.
And it was causing me emotional pain to realize that she wouldn't let me try and reconnect with her sexually. I literally wanted to rip my heart out.
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Post by Handy on Aug 10, 2019 18:35:34 GMT -5
Moving out of the bedroom......My W moved out of the bedroom 3 or 4 years ago so she could sleep on her expensive adjustable bed.
Before she moved, I slept on the edge of the bed as far away as I could from her. She also had a long body pillow between us. Talk about feeling rejected and worrying if I did something to cause her to be more grumpy and complain, well that has been over for a long time. She isn't there to complain about anything I do while I sleep.
Her moving out of the bedroom didn't fix anything but I no longer go to bed and have to be concerned about her complaining about something I did to upset her. Her moving out reduced the anxiety I felt when we shared a sexless bed.
Solodriver, yes this thread will help other people sharing a sexless bed and should help several people work on their future, better life. This is a good topic to explore.
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Post by dallasgia on Sept 4, 2019 23:36:19 GMT -5
True story about that photo. It's from last Fall. I wanted to use a real photo here but not something that could be reverse Google searched. I never posted it on Facebook, Instagram, etc. but I wanted to make sure so I did the "Search Google for image" and it came up as "photo not found, suggested search Senior Citizen". WTF Google : ) “Reverse google search”. What, pray tell, is this scary sounding bit of technology sleuthing?! Any toying with thoughts of online meet up groups I had just flew out the window. I am too much computer nitwit . It’s Likely I’d link my secret dating profile to my LinkedIn profile or my church web directory.
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Sept 7, 2019 3:44:23 GMT -5
True story about that photo. It's from last Fall. I wanted to use a real photo here but not something that could be reverse Google searched. I never posted it on Facebook, Instagram, etc. but I wanted to make sure so I did the "Search Google for image" and it came up as "photo not found, suggested search Senior Citizen". WTF Google : ) “Reverse google search”. What, pray tell, is this scary sounding bit of technology sleuthing?! Any toying with thoughts of online meet up groups I had just flew out the window. I am too much computer nitwit . It’s Likely I’d link my secret dating profile to my LinkedIn profile or my church web directory. 😂😂 It sure is a steep learning curve!
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Post by flounder on Sept 7, 2019 20:46:49 GMT -5
I dont recommend moving out of the bedroom. I would suggest kicking them out instead if you want to sleep alone. Tell them its a matrimonial bed and room, and if they choose not to partake, they should leave. This gives you agency. Withdraw time and attention from the relationship or whatever is left of it. Stick to logistics and house maintenanance/roommate stuff. Fuck the small talk or "how was your day" BS. Dont be a dick. But dont be available either. This should also set you up for an eventual exit. Be warned that she might seek your attention to reassert herself in the power dynamics, she may say some shitty things. But dont pay it any attention. If she chooses to engage this way you might want to use guerrila tactics. Just look at her funny if you disagree and walk away. Or just nod your head if you agree and walk away. Keep yourself busy with other shit. Its going to drive her nuts because she can feel the ground shifting. But thats her problem not yours. Do something for yourself every day. Meditate, have a brownie/cookie, wear a nice shirt, flirt with the girl at starbucks. Go hiking. Visit a monument. Whatever floats your boat. But do it because it fucking feels good to do it. Do something for others. Volunteer somewhere. Mow the neighbors lawn. Leave twenty bucks at the coffee shop for the people behind you in line. Do something every day for others with no expectation of recognition. Figure out what you are good at. There is a saying. Your talent is god's gift to you. What you do with that talent, is your gift to god. Figure out what it is and gift it to the world. Improve yourself. Lose weight. Learn a skill. Save money. New wardrobe. New haircut. Whatever is achievable. Start with low hanging fruit so you can get some easy wins. But dont be discouraged about rolling up your sleeves for the long haul. Hang out with other dudes. Build your network. Make some time to get social every so often. Once a week, once a month. Whatever makes sense for you. When you are ready. Try to figure out what the rest of your life looks like. What will it take? What changes are needed? How long will it take? For me, this process started with a 90 day reboot. My goal in the reboot was to pivot to a new mindset. For me, it was absolutley necessary because I was driving myself nuts. My self esteem was in the pits. Im almost at the end and I feel like I found that fun guy I knew a long time ago. So with self-improvement, doing nice stuff for yourself and for others, and getting social, you have a shit ton of things to fill your calendar between now and the end of the year that dont involve your SO. So get busy because the clock is ticking. Keep in mind that you are also playing the long game. You are in this for the long haul. And BTW, it wont always be easy. But own it like a son of a bitch because you are worth it. You are doing this for you. The self in self esteem. Godspeed. The rest of your life awaits. "Get busy living, or get busy dying" -Andy Dufresne, Shawshank Redemption This.
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Post by tamara68 on Nov 12, 2019 10:19:40 GMT -5
I thought it was good to revive this.
The lack of Self-esteem is one of the things most people on Iliasm have in common. My self-esteem was bad when I was still in a sexless marriage. It got better during and after the struggle of leaving. It still is fragile but I am on the right track.
What I found was that the first thing you need to improve your self-esteem is knowing that you are worth esteem. You start with not feeling self-esteem, so you have to decide cognitively that you are worth just as much as anyone. You would never say that anyone on this site should not have any self-esteem. So that applies to you as well.
This decision to start developing your self-esteem opens the door to improvement. Start small. Do things for your self. What would a person do who values himself in this or that situation? Do it. Do things that are different than you are used to. Don't always let other people's interests go before your own. Don't apologize for being there or for getting what you deserve. Don't feel guilty.
Feeling actual self-esteem follows acting like it. So that's where it starts. Act confident and valued to become confident and valued by yourself and others.
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