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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 7, 2019 22:55:01 GMT -5
I dont recommend moving out of the bedroom. I would suggest kicking them out instead if you want to sleep alone. Tell them its a matrimonial bed and room, and if they choose not to partake, they should leave. This gives you agency.
Withdraw time and attention from the relationship or whatever is left of it. Stick to logistics and house maintenanance/roommate stuff. Fuck the small talk or "how was your day" BS. Dont be a dick. But dont be available either. This should also set you up for an eventual exit. Be warned that she might seek your attention to reassert herself in the power dynamics, she may say some shitty things. But dont pay it any attention. If she chooses to engage this way you might want to use guerrila tactics. Just look at her funny if you disagree and walk away. Or just nod your head if you agree and walk away. Keep yourself busy with other shit. Its going to drive her nuts because she can feel the ground shifting. But thats her problem not yours.
Do something for yourself every day. Meditate, have a brownie/cookie, wear a nice shirt, flirt with the girl at starbucks. Go hiking. Visit a monument. Whatever floats your boat. But do it because it fucking feels good to do it.
Do something for others. Volunteer somewhere. Mow the neighbors lawn. Leave twenty bucks at the coffee shop for the people behind you in line. Do something every day for others with no expectation of recognition. Figure out what you are good at. There is a saying. Your talent is god's gift to you. What you do with that talent, is your gift to god. Figure out what it is and gift it to the world.
Improve yourself. Lose weight. Learn a skill. Save money. New wardrobe. New haircut. Whatever is achievable. Start with low hanging fruit so you can get some easy wins. But dont be discouraged about rolling up your sleeves for the long haul.
Hang out with other dudes. Build your network. Make some time to get social every so often. Once a week, once a month. Whatever makes sense for you.
When you are ready. Try to figure out what the rest of your life looks like. What will it take? What changes are needed? How long will it take? For me, this process started with a 90 day reboot. My goal in the reboot was to pivot to a new mindset. For me, it was absolutley necessary because I was driving myself nuts. My self esteem was in the pits. Im almost at the end and I feel like I found that fun guy I knew a long time ago.
So with self-improvement, doing nice stuff for yourself and for others, and getting social, you have a shit ton of things to fill your calendar between now and the end of the year that dont involve your SO. So get busy because the clock is ticking. Keep in mind that you are also playing the long game. You are in this for the long haul.
And BTW, it wont always be easy. But own it like a son of a bitch because you are worth it. You are doing this for you. The self in self esteem.
Godspeed. The rest of your life awaits.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying" -Andy Dufresne, Shawshank Redemption
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Post by solodriver on Aug 7, 2019 23:18:38 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the feedback. This will not only help me but others who are feeling the same way.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 8, 2019 7:26:15 GMT -5
Folks.
For those in an SM, self esteem can quickly become a rabbit hole to nowhere.
Have an honest long look at yourself in the mirror, literally and metaphorically. Are you happy with what you see?
Good! Then dont let others opinions affect the way you feel about yourself.
If you are not happy, what are you doing about it? Every.damn.day
To be loved requires us to love ourselves first and foremost. Sometimes I think we tend to forget that. That means we respect ourselves. We take care of ourselves. We look after ourselves.
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 8, 2019 14:47:53 GMT -5
I dont recommend moving out of the bedroom. I would suggest kicking them out instead if you want to sleep alone. Tell them its a matrimonial bed and room, and if they choose not to partake, they should leave. This gives you agency. I just wanted to applaud you for this. I should have said this to my ExRefuser back in 2011. The marriage bed includes fucking. If you don't want to fuck, you can spend the night in another room.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 8, 2019 15:37:09 GMT -5
“I dont recommend moving out of the bedroom. I would suggest kicking them out instead if you want to sleep alone. Tell them its a matrimonial bed and room, and if they choose not to partake, they should leave. This gives you agency.”
Moving out of the shared bedroom IMO gives the refuser more agency. Their decision doesn’t rest on their refuser’s cooperation. By moving into another room the refused also would no longer be surrounded by memories of their disappointing nights with their refuser.
“Fuck me or move out of the bedroom” sounds like trying to force the refuser to fuck you. Moving out yourself is simply reflecting the truth: you are roommates, not lovers.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 8, 2019 15:47:59 GMT -5
I don't know which side of the argument(claim or abandon the bedroom) I would come down on here. Both arguments have merit. I would say it depends on the mindset of the refused in deciding which move might have the greater effect or provide the most emotional benefit.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 8, 2019 15:52:01 GMT -5
I'm working on trying to restore my self-esteem and confidence as I go through this process. Looking for ideas on how others have done that. Sadly, having sex is not in the picture at this time so I have to figure out another way to rebuild it. I remember much of this! 1) Congrats on realizing that your self image is like a 4 engine B52 ,with one engine left, crash landing behind enemy lines ,and you survived! Time for action!2) Getting a mentor (or 2) helped. Other men or women who have survived the crash, and /or gone through rejection. Even people who may not have had quite the same experience, but do well handling life's problems. You too will, and can be a mentor to someone else in the present and future! ( Your financial situation is a good example. Finding others who have 'been there')* No sex involved in this. But very important*3) Time spent with more positives!! This can require taking! Yes.... giving has rewards. However giving can be... well... too easy. ( giving and not receiving anything back in return. Having enough backbone to do a good job for someone, and then looking them in the eye a,with your hand out and telling them, " you owe me, _____amount. NOW!) Taking, for a codependent equals taking charge, thinking about "what you want" and acting upon it! With this includes 'risk'. Making yourself vulnerable to rejection again. This can be done in smaller increments. As others have suggested, with new hobbies or activities. ( change your environment, and surroundings. ) Change can be good!- Yes, I know... we often say on here " you can't change your spouse", but you can sure change the things and people who have a negative influence on you, and how you influence others. *No sex involved in this. But very important*4) Talking too and meeting other women, and finding out how they perceive you. You will be pleasantly surprised at how wrong your manipulative controlling spouse was, about your image and who you are! And that your low self esteem continued to give her power and control. For me, ushering at a new church helped my self image. Being at the gym, and having people speak with me helped. Being a new talented artist among women with decades of experience in art, and receiving 1st and 2nd prizes helped. *No sex involved in this. But very important*5) Getting validation from 'my family' that my STBX (at the time) had plenty of her own issues, and that I would be a better (joyful) person without her. Was very helpful. * No sex involved in this. But very important*
6) Alone time. Don't discount this! Being self sufficient will carry you through much of life's tests. This does not mean " I'll never be good enough for anyone. No one will ever want me!" Instead it means YOU are good enough for most anyone, but can be just as happy to go it alone when needed. * No sex involved in this . But very important!*
** For me, much of my 'rebuilding' came after knowing-" it was over-" The divorce process- and after the divorce. But I spent 'time- mental and physical *actions* (trial and error) getting ready. And the journey continues!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 8, 2019 16:48:04 GMT -5
I dont see it as "fuck me or move out" More like, I understand you are averse to fucking, so fucking leave! Your point though about memories is valid. Doesnt bother me so much. Plus you can update the room as needed. “I dont recommend moving out of the bedroom. I would suggest kicking them out instead if you want to sleep alone. Tell them its a matrimonial bed and room, and if they choose not to partake, they should leave. This gives you agency.” Moving out of the shared bedroom IMO gives the refuser more agency. Their decision doesn’t rest on their refuser’s cooperation. By moving into another room the refused also would no longer be surrounded by memories of their disappointing nights with their refuser. “Fuck me or move out of the bedroom” sounds like trying to force the refuser to fuck you. Moving out yourself is simply reflecting the truth: you are roommates, not lovers.
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 8, 2019 17:11:04 GMT -5
“I dont recommend moving out of the bedroom. I would suggest kicking them out instead if you want to sleep alone. Tell them its a matrimonial bed and room, and if they choose not to partake, they should leave. This gives you agency.” Moving out of the shared bedroom IMO gives the refuser more agency. Their decision doesn’t rest on their refuser’s cooperation. By moving into another room the refused also would no longer be surrounded by memories of their disappointing nights with their refuser. “Fuck me or move out of the bedroom” sounds like trying to force the refuser to fuck you. Moving out yourself is simply reflecting the truth: you are roommates, not lovers. Effectively, you cannot force anyone to do anything. However, the person who has already exited the marital relationship should be the one to exit the bedroom, in my opinion.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 8, 2019 21:43:31 GMT -5
This is the key question for me right now solodriver . I went to a music festival for 4 days. I LOVE live music and camping and had a great time. But for the first tine in so long really getting out there and meeting new people I realized my self esteem has tanked. Ugh. Such an uncomfortable feeling! I have never felt like this before. Or at least not since puberty! I am assembling a list of things to do for me to access my awesomeness. And I am leaning on my support network. Fuck SMs, for real.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 8, 2019 22:04:36 GMT -5
This is the key question for me right now solodriver . I went to a music festival for 4 days. I LOVE live music and camping and had a great time. But for the first tine in so long really getting out there and meeting new people I realized my self esteem has tanked. Ugh. Such an uncomfortable feeling! I have never felt like this before. Or at least not since puberty! I am assembling a list of things to do for me to access my awesomeness. And I am leaning on my support network. Fuck SMs, for real. Your post had me reflecting. Reflecting back on certain words and actions, that "made me access my awesomeness". Before I give you a favorite quote from my now " girlfriend/woman", let me say that I too was sadly co-dependant and had no idea what that even meant !! My woman tells me, " when I first met you , I like your beautiful sexy body, and I wanted to strip you down right now! " It's fair to say, that many a man thinks that about you! You just don't get to hear it! This , along with reaching access to my awesomeness ,also took other changes that I had to do for myself, or I most likely would have never even placed myself in such a situation to ever be told such things.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 9, 2019 0:48:05 GMT -5
This is the key question for me right now solodriver . I went to a music festival for 4 days. I LOVE live music and camping and had a great time. But for the first tine in so long really getting out there and meeting new people I realized my self esteem has tanked. Ugh. Such an uncomfortable feeling! I have never felt like this before. Or at least not since puberty! I am assembling a list of things to do for me to access my awesomeness. And I am leaning on my support network. Fuck SMs, for real. That would make an interesting cap or T-Shirt
"Fuck SMs"
or maybe "SMs Don't Fuck"
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 9, 2019 2:54:38 GMT -5
Yes, agree with separate bedrooms. I can see both sides of the argument, but in my case, I knew my ex wouldn't leave the bedroom, so I did. I made my own space.
Movement. New activities. Accomplishment - this one can be difficult when your self-esteem is already low. Start small. It doesn't have to be an accomplishment that anyone else would recognise, but learning a new skill or pushing your boundaries a little bit.
Enjoy your own company. Go and do fun stuff by yourself, just for you.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 9, 2019 10:03:53 GMT -5
Luckily, I have never really been handsome Um, so who is that VERY handsome man in your profile picture?! If that is you then you need to know that when I first saw it (and okay yes every time since then) I have leaned in a little to get a closer look and daydreamed about meeting you in real life. There, I said it. True story. [To admin/mod - Hope this comment is not a banning offence; I'm not hitting on anyone, I swear!] "Never really been handsome", my foot. Seriously man, you are very easy on the eyes. Have I checked out @tooyoungtobeold2 ? Yup and yup. Easy on the eyes for sure
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2019 10:42:50 GMT -5
Yes, agree with separate bedrooms. I can see both sides of the argument, but in my case, I knew my ex wouldn't leave the bedroom, so I did. I made my own space. Movement. New activities. Accomplishment - this one can be difficult when your self-esteem is already low. Start small. It doesn't have to be an accomplishment that anyone else would recognise, but learning a new skill or pushing your boundaries a little bit. Enjoy your own company. Go and do fun stuff by yourself, just for you. I'll also add that (whether you leave the bedroom or they do--I see both arguments as well) it's hard for me to fully explain exactly why this works so well, but, it does. I still miss the intimacy but it makes it more theoretical because I'm not actually lying there either pre-initiation or post-rejection. I'm in my own bedroom reading a book or watching Firely (or whatever geeky Sci-Fi I'm into at the moment) on my phone. The distance gave me back my self-respect and I stopped self-doubting so much. It also works when you enjoy your wife's company as I do. We do things that we enjoy together but it's fully platonic. Is that a real marriage? No. Is it OK right now? Yeah. I feel better than I have in a long time mostly owing to leaving the bedroom.
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