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Post by solodriver on Aug 7, 2019 0:30:46 GMT -5
I'm working on trying to restore my self-esteem and confidence as I go through this process. Looking for ideas on how others have done that. Sadly, having sex is not in the picture at this time so I have to figure out another way to rebuild it.
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Post by baza on Aug 7, 2019 3:55:54 GMT -5
Keep in mind that the "self" in "self esteem" is the key.
Expect no help from your spouse. Indeed your spouse may have a vested interest in keeping your self esteem in the shitter, and may even actually try and torpedo your efforts in this regard.
So whatever means you may be thinking of in regard to your self esteem, count your missus out as far as being part of the remedy.
Personally, back in the day, my situation was "Everything was great bar my marriage". As far as my work, friendships, social involvement etc I was well regarded. It was only in my marriage where I felt demeaned and de-valued. Apart from that, my self esteem was quite ok. So spending as little time as possible with my missus - and spending as much time as possible at work, with friends and in my social involvement - worked well for me.
Anyway, plugging in to your support network is always a good idea, as is embracing positive situations and people. And avoiding negative situations and people as far as possible.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 7, 2019 5:12:16 GMT -5
I am finding that this is an ongoing struggle.
My advice is to pick activities for personal growth. Work out, learn a new skill, and make new friends and acquaintances.
Don't expect to shed your low self esteem habits for forever. You will have days you feel beaten down and they will return. Just be self aware, and adjust when they do.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 7, 2019 10:57:31 GMT -5
solodriver I’m going to start with giving you a cyber hug! Gosh my self esteem was so bad but I put myself out there and met a lot of new people in both conventional and unconventional ways. I also exercised a lot I lost a few pounds but I will always struggle with my weight however I no longer look at myself as undesirable because of the extra weight. My AP helped a lot in that department. Everyone is beautiful because they are uniquely who they are. Again put yourself out there in whatever way is your interest or what will make YOU happy. Hugs
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2019 12:50:53 GMT -5
I too, sadly, looked too much for affirmation from my spouse both in the form of intimacy and other kudos. She was raised in a family that gives each other 0% of that. Zip. None. I was raised in a very affirming household, particularly my Dad who is now gone. So, I know exactly where you're coming from.
Luckily, I have never really been handsome so my appearance isn't part of the mix because I never filled my own coffers that way. I did (mostly) let go of expecting anything from my spouse. I was able to do that by, rightly or wrongly, understanding that sex isn't something she does. I don't take it personally because she has no sex life in her head either. Throughout our marriage of 30 years the sex struggle has stayed consistent. When I was fit or not fit. Making six figures or half that. Chasing whys of every kind. None of that mattered in our sex life.
I moved out of our bedroom 21 months ago, made some emotional distance and stopped expecting anything from her. That distance and zero expectations meant I was able to rebuild my self-esteem disconnected from her in every way. Mostly my work is rewarding, I have a few activities I enjoy, etc. That's been enough. I don't have bullet-proof selfesteem and loads of charismatic confidence but I'm good.
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timedelay
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Post by timedelay on Aug 7, 2019 13:15:55 GMT -5
solodriver I can't imagine many worse things than a sexless/loveless relationship for knocking self esteem and self confidence. I agree with focusing on trying new things, venturing out into the world somehow (even virtually at first) and reaching out to people from different 'interest groups'. I am taking small steps forward and not beating myself up when I waver. Try to remind yourself that you deserve to be loved and act accordingly. I am finding that taking responsibility for myself in this situation has been liberating. I'm losing some weight and wanting to exercise more. Any level of intimacy after decades of starvation mode can help build your confidence. If you can't access full on sex, can you access something else to keep you going in the meantime? I had my very first sexting experience last night and it was great! A lot of fun to share something sexual/sensual with another person in a very safe way. It might take a little time to find the right person to share something like that with but the search could be fun for you AND motivating too? There is no pressure to be physically perfect and you can help someone else feel good at the same time. I honestly never would have believed it could be so erotic. There was a spring in my step this morning that has been missing for 20 years! I highly recommend trying something that brings pleasure and fun into your life. Best of luck on your journey.
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timedelay
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Post by timedelay on Aug 7, 2019 13:26:31 GMT -5
Luckily, I have never really been handsome Um, so who is that VERY handsome man in your profile picture?! If that is you then you need to know that when I first saw it (and okay yes every time since then) I have leaned in a little to get a closer look and daydreamed about meeting you in real life. There, I said it. True story. [To admin/mod - Hope this comment is not a banning offence; I'm not hitting on anyone, I swear!] "Never really been handsome", my foot. Seriously man, you are very easy on the eyes.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 7, 2019 13:56:55 GMT -5
I think you’ve received some really good advice here solodriver. I don’t have much more to add other than words of encouragement. The SM is very hard on those of us who crave intimacy and affection. You now must undo years of conditioning. Be kind to yourself and be patient. Know that you are worth much more than your wife has shown you. Get out there and do what makes you happy- whatever that is.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 7, 2019 14:16:49 GMT -5
Luckily, I have never really been handsome Um, so who is that VERY handsome man in your profile picture?! If that is you then you need to know that when I first saw it (and okay yes every time since then) I have leaned in a little to get a closer look and daydreamed about meeting you in real life. There, I said it. True story. [To admin/mod - Hope this comment is not a banning offence; I'm not hitting on anyone, I swear!] "Never really been handsome", my foot. Seriously man, you are very easy on the eyes. @tooyoungtobeold2 I second that! Trust me you are handsome!! Your wife is clueless! (With all due respect)
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2019 14:41:15 GMT -5
Wow, thanks for the affirmations!! Of course, it's a reasonably flattering photo nothing that my front facing camera would normally come up with.
True story about that photo. It's from last Fall. I wanted to use a real photo here but not something that could be reverse Google searched. I never posted it on Facebook, Instagram, etc. but I wanted to make sure so I did the "Search Google for image" and it came up as "photo not found, suggested search Senior Citizen". WTF Google : )
Back to the original point. I wasn't capable of separating my SM rejections from my self-esteem for a long time. I can do it now at 52 but I couldn't at 32. Even once you find the right space in your head, it takes time and forgiveness.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 7, 2019 16:11:50 GMT -5
Luckily, I have never really been handsome Um, so who is that VERY handsome man in your profile picture?! If that is you then you need to know that when I first saw it (and okay yes every time since then) I have leaned in a little to get a closer look and daydreamed about meeting you in real life. There, I said it. True story. [To admin/mod - Hope this comment is not a banning offence; I'm not hitting on anyone, I swear!] "Never really been handsome", my foot. Seriously man, you are very easy on the eyes. Well I am glad I’m not the only one, I noticed you’re a bit fit when the photo appeared. Having no ego about it just adds to the attraction too.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 7, 2019 16:15:32 GMT -5
Here's what helped for me:
1. Move out of the bedroom. Set up a separate bedroom. Don't make it into brinksmanship or a negotiating tool in which this exercise suddenly becomes about what it might motivate HER to do. It's not for her; it's for you. If you don't have a sexual relationship with your wife - if you don't really qualify or meet her bar for this, then it's really unlikely in any other circumstance that you two would sleep together. Buy a futon. Put it into the basement if you need to. Think big and be creative. You need to stop sleeping with her. It's not going to be a place of comfort for you - ever.
Part B of that - because sometimes that precipitates reset sex - stop agreeing to grudging reset sex, intended to appease you. It's never good sex and it only serves to make her a martyr in her mind, while detesting you more for "making" her.
2. Stop undressing in front of each other.
3. Get fit. Go shopping. Read up online on what you need to do to look better physically, and how to be smart about leveling up your wardrobe.
4. Start having activities. Think about being divorced, and whatever will be left with your friend network. Chances are, you will need some new friends who are not tied into your current deal. Activities are interesting and they make you interesting. They give you stories to talk about and they give you practice. If you can find at least one group activity that women also enjoy, that's not a bad way to go about this. Don't wait or leave space for your wife to get onboard. Get some "you" time as well - maybe solo camping or with the kids.
5. Make, establish, assert your friendships. If you've been funneling 100% into your marriage, dial it back to 20% and put the rest into spending time with your friends. Get out for drinks. Do a guy's trip. BBQ or dinner- whatever you need to do. A lot of husbands typically rely on the wife to be the social glue of their network, and this becomes daunting. You need to do it.
6. Consider the division of labour and chores in the house - the ones that seem oddly intimidating to you that you've never done. Pick the one you've NEVER done and do it. In my house - it was the washing machine. In my gf house, it was the cooking. Figure it out and show yourself that you can actually do it. I realized at some point that I wasn't really intimidated by a washing machine - I had an emotional block because I was afraid somehow of what it meant if I had now decided to do her chore - that I was letting go or giving up. Jump right in and do whatever your thing is.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2019 16:19:08 GMT -5
Turns out that I'm full of sh*& about self confidence being internal. These compliments are doing more for my esteem than I'd care to admit.
I'm going to amend my advice. Solodriver, the key for rebuilding your self-esteem is to fish for compliments from online strangers with a partial headshot.
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timedelay
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Post by timedelay on Aug 7, 2019 16:23:28 GMT -5
Wow, thanks for the affirmations!! Of course, it's a reasonably flattering photo nothing that my front facing camera would normally come up with. True story about that photo. It's from last Fall. I wanted to use a real photo here but not something that could be reverse Google searched. I never posted it on Facebook, Instagram, etc. but I wanted to make sure so I did the "Search Google for image" and it came up as "photo not found, suggested search Senior Citizen". WTF Google : ) Back to the original point. I wasn't capable of separating my SM rejections from my self-esteem for a long time. I can do it now at 52 but I couldn't at 32. Even once you find the right space in your head, it takes time and forgiveness. I cracked up laughing at the google search result! That is a good way to view it; to separate the two things. It does take a lot of time and forgiveness. I'm working on forgiving both myself and my husband. It's one of the great ironies of my SM experience; getting older brings maturity and clarity but my body has left it's best years behind. Sigh.
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timedelay
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Post by timedelay on Aug 7, 2019 16:25:10 GMT -5
Turns out that I'm full of sh*& about self confidence being internal. These compliments are doing more for my esteem than I'd care to admit. I'm going to amend my advice. Solodriver, the key for rebuilding your self-esteem is to fish for compliments from online strangers with a partial headshot. Hah!
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