sunnysean
Junior Member
Posts: 59
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by sunnysean on Jul 27, 2019 10:00:54 GMT -5
So after dinner, I walk into the laundry room to find my little girl eating an oreo cookie. She looked upset to see me. Generally, after dinner, if she ate a good dinner and is still a little hungry, we let her have a small dessert. Examples: Gramcracker, one of those tiny ice cream cups, a piece of chocolate, an oreo, etc.
I asked with a smile, "What are you doing?". She sheepishly said, "Eating a cookie." I asked, "why are you eating it in here?" She replied, "Mommy told me to, so you wouldn't see me." I replied, "Why doesn't mamma want me to see you?" She said, "Mommy says you shouldn't be eating these."
I stopped my line of questioning, kept my smile, and left the room.
Later, my wife and I started our nightly ritual where we pick something stupid to watch, that we both don't care about, and talk about stuff & things. We also surf on our phones to catch up on the news, friends, and the like. So I say, "I found our daughter in the laundry room eating a cookie." I paused to see if she had a response. She didn't, and she just looked at me puzzled like she was waiting for me to continue. I continued, "She said you told her to do so so I wouldn't see her doing it, because you were worried about me eating them." Her demeanor changed, She started to tear up and said "I'm so sorry, I'm just trying to help you."
First of all, a little back story:
Currently, I am 180 Cm tall (5'11"), and weigh 93 Kg (205 Lbs) at one time I weighed as much as 116 Kg (255 Lbs).
I was a skinny kid until I got to middle school. I had an injury that left me less the mobile for a few months and really got heavy. I lost quite a bit of weight when I was a teenager. When my wife and I got married, I weight about 82 Kg (180 Lbs).
About six years ago, something clicked in my head, and I was able to lose a lot of weight. I got down to 73 Kg (160Lbs). I was able to keep it off for about 3 years, and then it started to creep back on. I am NOT blaming my wife, it is my own fault, but food and drink has become the main way I comfort myself when I'm down, especially when I'm well, let's face it, horny. Currently, I am not on a diet or actively trying to lose weight, so when she said: "I'm just trying to help you." That was a clue that my weight is really bothering her.
Back to our conversation:
I didn't want to play dumb, so I said, "My weight is bothering you isn't it?" She says, "I love you, and I want you around forever, I just want you to be healthy." I didn't doubt anything she said, but with our lack of sexual intimacy, and that on my mind constantly now, I replied, "I love you too, but I have to ask, are you not attracted to me anymore because of my weight?" She said, "I find you attractive, I have always found you attractive" She paused then said, "I did find you sexier when you had lost all that weight. You were more confident, and you seemed to care about yourself more."
I was crushed, not by her or her words, but the revelation. The pathetic Sean kicked in. I should have kept talking about it, but I didn't. I told her "Yeah, I need to get with the program and lose some of this weight." I then changed the topic. We settled in and started watching our show. Like usual, she falls asleep within a few had min after we stop talking. I look over at her, and she is looking mighty fine, sexy as hell in fact.
As I watched her sleep, I thought, If I get the weight back off, will this help our sex life? I tried to think back when I had lost the weight. What was it really like, and what happened? When I lost the weight, our sex life was much improved. We were having sex at least twice a month, sometimes more. But frequency only lasted about a year. I kept the weight off for three years. So, during year two and three, we were back to only a few times a year. I could live with twice a month, but what did I do or not do to make it go back to a just few times a year?
As a creepy voyeur, I kept watching her sleep. I could see her nipples through her sleep top. Her breasts were moving up and down with each breath. I was getting too worked up, so I made some noise hoping to stir her. She woke up and said she needed to go to bed, and that I should stay up as long as I wanted to. When she left, I grabbed a beer and a bag of chips, knowing it was poisoning me and now seemingly poisoning my chances for sexual fulfillment. I watched something mindless and enjoyed my snack and let my sexual frustrations melt away into a sea of potato chip grease and alcohol. When the chips were done, I grabbed another beer and played a game on my phone until I couldn't keep my eyes open.
Today is a new day. If I shed the fat again, what can it hurt?
Do I really need the food and beverage to comfort me? What can take their place?
How did I lose all the weight the first time? It seems like forever ago.
What kept me going?
Can I do it again?
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Post by deadzone75 on Jul 27, 2019 18:31:58 GMT -5
As a creepy voyeur, I kept watching her sleep. I could see her nipples through her sleep top. Her breasts were moving up and down with each breath. I was getting too worked up, so I made some noise hoping to stir her. She woke up and said she needed to go to bed, and that I should stay up as long as I wanted to. When she left, I grabbed a beer and a bag of chips, knowing it was poisoning me and now seemingly poisoning my chances for sexual fulfillment. I watched something mindless and enjoyed my snack and let my sexual frustrations melt away into a sea of potato chip grease and alcohol. When the chips were done, I grabbed another beer and played a game on my phone until I couldn't keep my eyes open. A couple interesting things: You referred to yourself as a creepy voyeur. I always thought it was just me, but often I will check out my wife if she is wearing new shorts or some revealing outfit, and I'll feel like a total perv. I'll stare when I know she isn't looking. Then later I'll wonder why I felt so awkward or almost...guilty for checking out my own wife while she wasn't aware. You should not feel weird about checking out your own wife. You shouldn't feel weird about approaching her and feeling her up and telling her she looks hot and that you want to bang her brains out (or something equally romantic). It sucks when you feel like you are invading your own spouse's privacy. You say you went for beer and potato chips after being rejected. So it's not like you were thinking, screw it, I want to go eat and gain weight; you would have much rather been having sex with your wife. The eating in this case appears to have been a reaction to being rejected. A coping mechanism. If you feel better losing weight, and your wife has indicated she is more attracted to you when you do, then do it for both of you. But I would talk to her going in and let her know, hey, I'm going to try to lose weight for myself and for you...but here is what I'm feeling and here is what I need from YOU.
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Post by baza on Jul 27, 2019 18:53:52 GMT -5
The smart play in life is to make choices that are in your longer term best interests. By necessity, that means you are going to have to make some short term choices that are difficult, and without instant gratification. For example, is it in your best longer term best interests to lose some weight ? Does the case to do that stand up all by itself ? ....then a beer and chips right now is not going to help longer term. There are all sorts of arguements that point toward being a healthy weight as a life enhancing thing to do, but whether you are prepared to make the short term sacrifices this involves is entirely at your discretion. Your missus has got nothing to do with this Brother sunnysean . It is possible that should you lose some weight, there may be collateral effects. For example you may find your energy levels enhanced. Perhaps more energy to play with your kids. Maybe feeling more disposed to expand your social network. But if your primary goal is - "so my missus is sexually attracted to me" - then I think you are on a loser, and such a course will run out of impetus real quick. Whereas if your primary goal is - "to enhance (your) health" - then you are on a winner, as that course relies on no-one else but you.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 27, 2019 19:05:18 GMT -5
180 pounds and 5’11 sounds wonderful to me. My lover was that height and about 250 when we started having sex. . Best sex ever! He is now snbout 210. Still great sex. I love him. His weight- except for how it affects his health - doesn’t affect my feelings.
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 28, 2019 6:16:45 GMT -5
sunnysean your weight is not the problem. Many of us eat our feelings and it seems pretty obvious that's what you are doing. Your wife also might 'think' she found you more sexy when you were slimmer and more confident; that is how you see her, isn't it? Confidence is very sexy. For people with a minimal interest in sexual activity that sexiness only attracts when it's 'new'. Your wife lost interest again so it's really not your weight, you have to believe that. The others are correct though, if you want to lose weight/improve your own health by all means go lose some weight. You will feel better about your body but your heart will still ache from the rejection. I don't know how many more ways to say this, please communicate with your wife and insist she communicates honestly with you. She may well be in denial too so it's going to be painful for both of you to face your realities. I do understand your reluctance to bring everything out into the open; it's terrifying. When I made the decision to face up to things, no matter what the outcome, my legs started trembling and didn't stop for a few days. It was scary stuff; I thought maybe I was about to have some kind of mental breakdown. Isn't that a bit mad? Being so scared of what the truth might be? You seem like a very methodical person. Apply that to your approach to communications with your W. Make a list of what you feel the issues are. Make another list of questions that you need her to answer. Give them to her in writing and give her time to consider a response but make it clear there can be no more avoidance. Agree a day and time for discussion; arrange a babysitter if needed. For your own sanity, do this thing.
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Post by michael on Jul 28, 2019 23:05:10 GMT -5
As a creepy voyeur, I kept watching her sleep. I could see her nipples through her sleep top. Her breasts were moving up and down with each breath. I was getting too worked up, so I made some noise hoping to stir her. She woke up and said she needed to go to bed, and that I should stay up as long as I wanted to. When she left, I grabbed a beer and a bag of chips, knowing it was poisoning me and now seemingly poisoning my chances for sexual fulfillment. I watched something mindless and enjoyed my snack and let my sexual frustrations melt away into a sea of potato chip grease and alcohol. When the chips were done, I grabbed another beer and played a game on my phone until I couldn't keep my eyes open. A couple interesting things: You referred to yourself as a creepy voyeur. I always thought it was just me, but often I will check out my wife if she is wearing new shorts or some revealing outfit, and I'll feel like a total perv. I'll stare when I know she isn't looking. Then later I'll wonder why I felt so awkward or almost...guilty for checking out my own wife while she wasn't aware. You should not feel weird about checking out your own wife. You shouldn't feel weird about approaching her and feeling her up and telling her she looks hot and that you want to bang her brains out (or something equally romantic). It sucks when you feel like you are invading your own spouse's privacy. That is something I never thought about before. I feel like I can only check out my wife when she is not looking too. Almost like she is just a stranger on the street and I don’t want to get caught looking. OMG, what has life become?
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 29, 2019 7:53:01 GMT -5
Why do you care what W thinks about your weight? Why let her live rent free in your head?
Strip naked. In front of a mirror. What do you think of your weight? Thats what matters.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2019 15:33:03 GMT -5
Weight is usually just another why. When I was 22, weighed 162 lbs. (I'm 5'11") worked out at least once per day.......No sex on our honeymoon. When I was 42, weighed 158 and got into half marathons, worked out twice per day.......No sex. When I was 52, weighed 215 and exercise is some kayaking and a stroll....No sex.
I'm not saying that a partner's appearance may not play into intimacy and desire (particularly in self-confidence) but, for most of us here, it isn't ever the real issue. I've never read a post where the refused wrote, "Hey, I dropped 25 lbs, could see my ABS again and now we're having sex 3x per week. We're so close now, the intimacy is fantastic, our love is renewed......!!" Not once.
On the contrary, I have read dozens and hundreds of posts where the refused wrote, "I did this or that thing and..........nothing." At worst, you're being manipulated. At best, it's a deflection tactic.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 29, 2019 17:48:00 GMT -5
ISSUE 1 I asked with a smile, "What are you doing?". She sheepishly said, "Eating a cookie." I asked, "why are you eating it in here?" She replied, "Mommy told me to, so you wouldn't see me." I replied, "Why doesn't mamma want me to see you?" She said, "Mommy says you shouldn't be eating these." ISSUE 2 As a creepy voyeur, I kept watching her sleep. I could see her nipples through her sleep top. Her breasts were moving up and down with each breath. I was getting too worked up, so I made some noise hoping to stir her. She woke up and said she needed to go to bed, and that I should stay up as long as I wanted to. When she left, I grabbed a beer and a bag of chips, knowing it was poisoning me and now seemingly poisoning my chances for sexual fulfillment. I watched something mindless and enjoyed my snack and let my sexual frustrations melt away into a sea of potato chip grease and alcohol. When the chips were done, I grabbed another beer and played a game on my phone until I couldn't keep my eyes open. ISSUE 1
It is very rude of her to be insensitive and try to get your daughter to criticize your weight in a passive-aggressive manner. If she thinks you need to drop some weight, she should tell you to your face and not try to get a young girl involved. She not only criticized you, but she also got your daughter to criticize you as well. She is telling your daughter that it is ok to criticize you for your weight, and do it in a sneaky, underhanded manner. In my opinion, you should tell her that if she has a problem with anything about you, she should be adult enough to say it to your face, and not let a child do it like this. As for "helping you," she is not doing anything of the sort. Instead, she is just figuring out ways to keep you in a celibate marriage and convince you that it is your fault.
ISSUE 2 For the life of me, I don't see how you could have any sexual attraction to a manipulative woman like this. Believe it or not, every woman in the world has the same body parts as your refuser, and many of them would find you very attractive. I think she likes you to be heavier so she can throw it up in your face to tear you down whenever she wants. Please don't fall for that.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 29, 2019 23:43:34 GMT -5
As a creepy voyeur, I kept watching her sleep. I could see her nipples through her sleep top. Her breasts were moving up and down with each breath. I was getting too worked up, so I made some noise hoping to stir her. A couple interesting things: You referred to yourself as a creepy voyeur. I always thought it was just me, but often I will check out my wife if she is wearing new shorts or some revealing outfit, and I'll feel like a total perv. I'll stare when I know she isn't looking. Then later I'll wonder why I felt so awkward or almost...guilty for checking out my own wife while she wasn't aware. You should not feel weird about checking out your own wife. You shouldn't feel weird about approaching her and feeling her up and telling her she looks hot and that you want to bang her brains out (or something equally romantic). It sucks when you feel like you are invading your own spouse's privacy. This. This is exactly what I thought of when I read “creepy voyeur” too. What does that say about your marriage/connection if you’re not even free to look at your wife’s (your LIFE PARTNER’s) body?! SMs are so fucked up.
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Post by lessingham on Jul 30, 2019 3:06:57 GMT -5
There is always a Reason. Today it is the wright, tomorrow it is the way other women look at you now you've lost weight. Then it is the complaint that since you lost weight you bones stick out and catch her. So you look for other Reasons and tick them off. At the end of the reasons isvthe self turning, it is you and that way lies self loathing. There are no Reasons, only excuses. A silly rule of thumb an Italian woman taught me. Look down naked, if you can see your penis your weight is ok!
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Post by isthisit on Jul 30, 2019 11:58:45 GMT -5
As a creepy voyeur, I kept watching her sleep. I could see her nipples through her sleep top. Her breasts were moving up and down with each breath. I was getting too worked up, so I made some noise hoping to stir her. She woke up and said she needed to go to bed, and that I should stay up as long as I wanted to. When she left, I grabbed a beer and a bag of chips, knowing it was poisoning me and now seemingly poisoning my chances for sexual fulfillment. I watched something mindless and enjoyed my snack and let my sexual frustrations melt away into a sea of potato chip grease and alcohol. When the chips were done, I grabbed another beer and played a game on my phone until I couldn't keep my eyes open. A couple interesting things: You referred to yourself as a creepy voyeur. I always thought it was just me, but often I will check out my wife if she is wearing new shorts or some revealing outfit, and I'll feel like a total perv. I'll stare when I know she isn't looking. Then later I'll wonder why I felt so awkward or almost...guilty for checking out my own wife while she wasn't aware. You should not feel weird about checking out your own wife. You shouldn't feel weird about approaching her and feeling her up and telling her she looks hot and that you want to bang her brains out (or something equally romantic). It sucks when you feel like you are invading your own spouse's privacy. deadzone75 your W does not know when she is well off. I lived in hope for around 15 years to be checked out and noticed in this way (oh, and I’m not a monster or anything...). The casual feeling up amongst everyday activities is what dreams are made of, let alone your desire to ‘bang her brains out’. I wish I had married you!
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Post by deadzone75 on Jul 30, 2019 17:12:17 GMT -5
A couple interesting things: You referred to yourself as a creepy voyeur. I always thought it was just me, but often I will check out my wife if she is wearing new shorts or some revealing outfit, and I'll feel like a total perv. I'll stare when I know she isn't looking. Then later I'll wonder why I felt so awkward or almost...guilty for checking out my own wife while she wasn't aware. You should not feel weird about checking out your own wife. You shouldn't feel weird about approaching her and feeling her up and telling her she looks hot and that you want to bang her brains out (or something equally romantic). It sucks when you feel like you are invading your own spouse's privacy. deadzone75 your W does not know when she is well off. I lived in hope for around 15 years to be checked out and noticed in this way (oh, and I’m not a monster or anything...). The casual feeling up amongst everyday activities is what dreams are made of, let alone your desire to ‘bang her brains out’. I wish I had married you! Where were you 14 years ago?? If only we could go back in time. It seems so alien to imagine being with someone who not only wants to be checked out, but told as much, and then shown as much.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 1, 2019 3:23:14 GMT -5
deadzone75 your W does not know when she is well off. I lived in hope for around 15 years to be checked out and noticed in this way (oh, and I’m not a monster or anything...). The casual feeling up amongst everyday activities is what dreams are made of, let alone your desire to ‘bang her brains out’. I wish I had married you! Where were you 14 years ago?? If only we could go back in time. It seems so alien to imagine being with someone who not only wants to be checked out, but told as much, and then shown as much. Where was I 14 years ago? Furiously why chasing to work out what had happened to my previously idyllic marriage and trying so, so hard to try to be even more perfect to see if that would fix it. Because I’m daft I continued in this vein for another 15 years..... ☹️. I didn’t know to look in your neck of the woods deadzone75 😘.
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Post by Apocrypha on Aug 1, 2019 10:16:17 GMT -5
Do I really need the food and beverage to comfort me? What can take their place? How did I lose all the weight the first time? It seems like forever ago. What kept me going? Can I do it again? I take a contrary view to much of the advice that's posed in this. Your wife has stated plainly that she found you more sexually attractive at a healthier weight. I distrust all the advice here shaming her and discussing the futility of getting to a physically attractive healthy weight- for what should be an utterly unsurprising view. There's no point in telling a person, or "society" what they should or shouldn't find attractive. None. It changes NOTHING, except that it clamps down authentic communication, and now you are in a guessing game. It's also likely untruthful advice - suppose you are listing the two versions of yourself on a dating application - alike in every way except that one picture and description is obese and one is at a healthy weight. For all the married folks telling you "It doesn't matter," which one do you think is going to be the easier sell? Let's get real. At the same time, obesity exists in a wider context of its causes. When I think of the people in my life, including myself when I was happier with my own physical appearance - it existed in a wider context as evidence of self-care, of having my own activities (which made me a more appealing and interesting person, with my own stories), and of an attention to details and context (like walking into a room with a made bed). When I was at my most fit as an adult, I also felt like I had the least control over my life (with a looming divorce, job loss, the tail end of my wife's affair). I didn't have a lot of control over my life - so by doing that, I was able to focus in and start getting control of that, first. I felt better. Physically - especially now that I've slipped back on a trend to dadbod, I can feel the difference in intertia and energy and confidence. Particularly with clothes - which I need to take more care with now, and I have fewer options. If sex has gone off, it may actually be too late, at least for this relationship. Maybe not, but the odds aren't good. But consider, as I did, and what a lot of people do who find themselves in a position where they are considering divorce and singledom... what measures would you take if you found yourself splashing down in the dating market again? It's a jungle out there - very competitive. So, take the worst case scenario, that your marriage is over, or is on a track towards that - and in a year's time, you will arrive at that conclusion. What measures would you take to increase your odds in the dating world, by making yourself a more attractive person to others, and to muster the confidence to slog through it or enjoy it? If you'd do that for a stranger you haven't even met yet (who your wife once was), is there a reason you wouldn't within the context of your present relationship? (possible there is - such as if you've given up hope). Either way, I don't see a downside to getting a headstart on what you are likely to end up doing anyway.
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