cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 24, 2019 5:51:33 GMT -5
In my intro to this forum I mentioned that I had been worried that about my partner's low sex drive, even before we married. I even insisted we saw a sex therapist before the wedding as I was worried that we would end up in a sexless marriage. I even remember saying to him that that was not something I could accept.
I loved him. I wanted a family. I'd had other relationships and knew that the perfect partner just didn't exist. I thought it would be OK....
We are now 20years down the line, 3 years of no sex (and prior to that only a handful of times in a year), 2yrs of couples of counselling and 2 years of one-to-one therapy for him. I have lost all hope of the situation changing hence the reason I find myself on this forum.
In reply to my intro, someone expressed surprise that I hadn't heeded the warning signs and run a mile and that they had never come across anyone on ILIASM who had gone ahead and married after such warning signs. Am I really the only fool who still went ahead and married the guy?
Misery loves company. Tell me I am not alone!
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Post by baza on Jul 24, 2019 6:18:14 GMT -5
You're not alone Sister cobweb . There's a whole lot of stories in here where people recount their histories. It is not in the least bit uncommon for that sexual history to have been unsatisfactory from the get-go, for the signal flags to have been a flutter, and the warning klaxon horns to have been loudly sounding .... and yet the member made the choice to go ahead with the marriage anyway. Hindsight is wonderful !! But the facts are that one way or another we ended up in these situations, and agonising over the "why" doesn't do a real lot to bring the situation to resolution. |
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Post by lessingham on Jul 24, 2019 10:40:52 GMT -5
I too got the wait until we are married and things will change line. We believe because we love and never expect the truth. I suspect in my darker days the only reason we ever made love was that after a few months we rowed and I said non consummation of the wedding were grounds for annulment.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 24, 2019 10:45:56 GMT -5
cobweb, you’re not alone, though your story is less common. The typical story here is one where things are great in the beginning, then drop off. Sometimes after having a child, sometimes blatantly the night of the wedding ( flashjohn). A la bait & switch. I think if you read h, his story may be similar, as is mine. I recall a few others, but not many. I wasn’t as aware as you were; I was young and naïve, and thought all the red flags were positives (like, she didn’t like kissing and foreplay/afterplay, and just wanted to jump straight to sex and be done); she would never admit to a low drive. I thought I could coax her into being more intimate; I wrongly believed that everyone enjoyed sex, and she just needed to be drawn out of her shell. But yes... nearly did cancel the wedding a week before, but decided it must be cold feet and pushed through. Much anxiety and talks in the beginning; nearly called it quits about 2 years in. Once kids came along, I was committed. I spent 2 decades trying to be “good enough” until I realized that wasn’t possible; the last decade has been about trying to be at peace with it.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 24, 2019 16:12:20 GMT -5
There are a # of members who were very sexually active up until they met their current SM partner. The general story line is that for various reasons their partner insisted on waiting until marriage to have sex. They married anyway either after being promised that everything would change or convincing themselves waiting was the right thing to do. Then surprise surprise, there was still no or very little sex following the marriage ceremony. The lesson here: if your love interest is pretty much asexual before marriage, they will be pretty much asexual afterwards.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 24, 2019 16:18:30 GMT -5
I too got the wait until we are married and things will change line. We believe because we love and never expect the truth. I suspect in my darker days the only reason we ever made love was that after a few months we rowed and I said non consummation of the wedding were grounds for annulment. had a similar situation. He wouldn't touch her on the honeymoon and only infrequently after that (and only with begging). In her case, though, it took the prick 25 years to finally come out of the closet. |
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 24, 2019 17:39:15 GMT -5
cobweb My husband really was not aware of what he was before we got married but I still think he has been a selfish ass for not trying to understand himself through counselling or something over the years. If your husband knew before he married you then he did cheat you. I'm sorry, that's bloody awful.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 24, 2019 23:59:18 GMT -5
Nope, not alone. We are all fools in love in the beginning! Also how common is it to think we can iron out the issues over time. Live and learn.
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 25, 2019 3:44:26 GMT -5
cobweb My husband really was not aware of what he was before we got married but I still think he has been a selfish ass for not trying to understand himself through counselling or something over the years. If your husband knew before he married you then he did cheat you. I'm sorry, that's bloody awful. Like you, I guess my husband probably wasn't sufficiently self aware when we married to understand why he didn't want to have sex. He has been having counselling over the last few years and although we do now understand that it probably stems from emotional abuse as a child combined with regular beatings from his Dad, he has made no attempt to change. Or maybe he just can't. And that is pretty much what I have come to accept. This is as good as it gets and I either put up, accept the emotionally stunted man I married, or leave. |
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 25, 2019 3:59:08 GMT -5
cobweb My husband really was not aware of what he was before we got married but I still think he has been a selfish ass for not trying to understand himself through counselling or something over the years. If your husband knew before he married you then he did cheat you. I'm sorry, that's bloody awful. Like you, I guess my husband probably wasn't sufficiently self aware when we married to understand why he didn't want to have sex. He has been having counselling over the last few years and although we do now understand that it probably stems from emotional abuse as a child combined with regular beatings from his Dad, he has made no attempt to change. Or maybe he just can't. And that is pretty much what I have come to accept. This is as good as it gets and I either put up, accept the emotionally stunted man I married, or leave. Or take a lover. I have now told my husband that this is a legitimate option we need to consider seriously. I think the notion scares him but he hasn't argued against it, which speaks volumes. I will give him another few days to consider before insisting we talk again. |
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 25, 2019 4:15:44 GMT -5
Oh don't worry I have! A few months ago, in no uncertain terms I said that he couldn't expect me to live in a sexless marriage forevermore and that if the opportunity would arise he couldn't blame me if I took it. He pretty much agreed that that would be reasonable! I have my eyes open but live in a small town, won't touch a married man and don't want to do anything that would cause gossip that may harm my children. I may have to take a holiday with a few girlfriends and see what comes along! My worry is that I will struggle not to fall in love with the first man who shows me affection. Sex is one thing but our marriage is starved of a whole lot more than that and I am sure I could be easily confused. Hope you have more luck in finding a FWB.
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 25, 2019 4:28:43 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 25, 2019 7:05:44 GMT -5
Like you, I guess my husband probably wasn't sufficiently self aware when we married to understand why he didn't want to have sex. He has been having counselling over the last few years and although we do now understand that it probably stems from emotional abuse as a child combined with regular beatings from his Dad, he has made no attempt to change. Or maybe he just can't. And that is pretty much what I have come to accept. This is as good as it gets and I either put up, accept the emotionally stunted man I married, or leave. Or take a lover. I have now told my husband that this is a legitimate option we need to consider seriously. I think the notion scares him but he hasn't argued against it, which speaks volumes. I will give him another few days to consider before insisting we talk again. Don't be surprised if the no argument, no response, is him taking a few days to start moving money. Just sayin'. It happens, so be prepared and keep track of finances. Along with consulting a lawyer. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Jul 25, 2019 13:05:33 GMT -5
You aren't the only one, Cobweb. After we got engaged, sex immediately slowed to once a month (which now would be fantastic). It wasn't hard to put 2 and 2 together, but I chose to act oblivious. I told myself that since everyone always warned me that sex stops after marriage, maybe for me it would work in the opposite, since the sex had already slowed drastically. I thought, can't get much worse, right...?
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cobweb
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by cobweb on Jul 25, 2019 13:19:38 GMT -5
Well deadzone75, the writing was on the wall for us even before the engagement, yet still I ignored the warning bells. My excuse is that I wanted to start and family and felt time was running out. Having had a few long term boyfriends fizzle out I didn't want to let this one slip through my fingers. I guess I got what I wanted, a family, just not the long term partner I had hoped for. You were obviously just working on blind faith and hope  |
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