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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 28, 2019 16:14:55 GMT -5
JMX , I am saddened to read your post. He has shown his true colors, his lack of caring for you. You posted this 4 days ago. Now that your initial anger has cooled what are you doing about your marriage? Did you call your lawyer? Do not let time lull you into a delusion that things are improving, you know that they will not. Let your righteous anger propel you into pursuing your best path. He would not talk to me face-to-face. He finally talks with me on the phone. He said he was only 68 days late on his payment. He has “been kicking himself”. I asked if this was a “fuck you” He said, “No.” We had a serious conversation - I brought up some points about how he didn’t really care about me, he counter-pointed. He has spent the days sense, playing video games. No I do not have an appointment - I will - with my lawyer. I showered and shaved. After getting turned on by my EAP. He talks with me on the phone. More DARVO. Denial and avoidance. ONLY 68 days late? Hopefully you proved your case with his dismal 'no payment/choice' payment record? More denial and avoidance, and now he is a victim of his own actions? P L E A S E! Points about how he really didn't care about me, he counter pointed. More Denial Avoidance Reversing him being the Victim and you being the Offender. Do you catch this while it is happening? Do you attempt to not let him change the subject? ( Avoiders hate that! Once they know you are on to them they step up their game and will proceed to go after you in other ways-guard your purse!) Hopefully much of your past case against STBX is still on file, and your appointment will only need your approval to get the ball rolling again.
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Post by lessingham on Jul 29, 2019 10:02:50 GMT -5
Ah, Genesis! The story of Joseph's dream of lean and bad years still holds good. I worked in the construction industry and saw many small businesses go under because they thought the good times were here for good. The survivors used the good times to recession proof the business. Being one who clings on by fingertips I think we look for reasons to stay, the kids, the love, the house, the money, they'll change and so on. The braver ones here turn around and start looking how to leave because they know there is no perfect time to go.
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 29, 2019 10:47:09 GMT -5
there is no perfect time to go. No perfect time to go and no perfect time to stay. All we ever have is a balance of good versus bad. Reasons to leave and reasons to stay. As Baza has often pointed out we can only do the "sums" and decide which road to take. The longer we stay the harder it is to leave. If you doubt this them project yourself out to when you are frail with age. Why would you leave then? Could you leave then?
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Post by JMX on Jul 29, 2019 22:21:56 GMT -5
“Furthermore - my current position guarantees I will have to pay child support. I might not have a good year- it will be hard to tell.” Talk to a lawyer and financial planner about your concerns. And end giving expensive presents to your spouse and cut back on other expenses. Start living financially leaner. Live a budget that you can continue to live on in an economic crash. Otherwise, you will keep finding excuses to stay with a man who treats you at best with indifference. Keep staying and at some point you will have virtually no choice but to stay and will look sadly back on these days when you had a choice but didn’t take it. Yep. That’s my plan. And you are right about making excuses. I have been thinking about it - and as long as I can reorganize when it’s not so lucrative, what do I care if I have to pay more in child support to keep everything even? Despite the fact that I get pissed that I would have to pay it - I should be happy being in the position to do so. It’s actually anti-feminist of me to think otherwise. Thanks for the kick in the pants
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Post by JMX on Jul 29, 2019 22:40:58 GMT -5
I'm only saying that if you have the money to get out now, perhaps you should take advantage of your financial position to do so. If the bust comes, you could be stuck even longer. Plus the longer you stay married, the more time your spouse has to spend the assets. Thank you. I was not trying to be mean earlier. I am kind of in a weird place. I do understand. The good news is - I have maintained my own account since I almost last divorced and i am the only one with access. I am also able to access our joint account. Where I suck - I pull money from my account to pad his on occasion instead of letting him drown. In this case, it was my car. I might refi it in my name so this won’t happen again, and let him sink with the other bills. I have definitely navigated this situation poorly in some respects. On others, I have done pretty well. I am proud of myself and how far I have come financially. I literally dug us out of a hole that seemed too big to dig out. I mostly think the poor decisions were out of “hope” to keep the family together. My anger has subsided a little - which is nice in a way, but I still kick myself about it. On the one hand, if I make my mind go back to all of the injustices and hurts (back to the ones I have long buried) I feel a hot anger about it, but I always look at it from his point of view too. And I get soft. I have been in therapy for 3 years (individual) and have still not broken through what I WANT. It’s a gray area. And, I suspect, it has a lot to do with self-esteem in some aspects of my life. My therapist once gave me a list of values to read off and decide in real time what was important to me. I easily put aside many. But the ones that I struggled with - were all arguments I spoke out loud. Each of the ones that I found “most lined up with my values” I would then qualify them. Explain my own short-comings with them, then why I aspire to be those things. No idea what that says about me other than the things I value, just because I value them, doesn’t my make them finite facts. I think I live in gray areas. I can easily see other’s perspectives and sympathize or at least understand where they are coming from? Even in very detrimental ways. I don’t know. I am rambling. It’s hard to verbalize what I am trying to say.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 30, 2019 17:40:58 GMT -5
I don’t know. I am rambling. It’s hard to verbalize what I am trying to say. Reading your post I am not sure what you are trying to say either. But I am fairly sure I understand what you are saying. You are saying you have not reached "deal breaker status" quite yet. You have come right up to the edge but you haven't crossed over the line as yet. When you actually really get there you will know it.
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Wow.
Jul 30, 2019 20:41:30 GMT -5
JMX likes this
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 30, 2019 20:41:30 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Jul 30, 2019 21:02:42 GMT -5
Not that it helps any Sister JMX , but I was thinking the other day that maybe your spouse has now heard about your outsourcing (previous post of yours) and is indulging himself in a bit of passive aggressive bullshit with the vehicle payment and the boat carpeting. He knows that his financial irresponsibility irks you. Possibly the outsourcing irks him. So the bullshit act with the payment / boat carpet is simply childish "pay back".
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Post by JMX on Jul 31, 2019 2:23:16 GMT -5
Not that it helps any Sister JMX , but I was thinking the other day that maybe your spouse has now heard about your outsourcing (previous post of yours) and is indulging himself in a bit of passive aggressive bullshit with the vehicle payment and the boat carpeting. He knows that his financial irresponsibility irks you. Possibly the outsourcing irks him. So the bullshit act with the payment / boat carpet is simply childish "pay back". I don’t think he knows about any of that. It was a convo with the kids, which is even more unfortunate. The girls don’t have a deep conversation relationship with their dad. They love him, for sure, but they wanted no part in telling him anything. I could be wrong. Him spending money on snap-in boat carpet is also very normal. The lack of responsibilities that he has with his paycheck, well - since his new toy (my fault) he has been spending money on “this or that” or really expensive THAT for the boat. It is normal behavior.
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Post by JMX on Jul 31, 2019 2:30:44 GMT -5
I don’t know. I am rambling. It’s hard to verbalize what I am trying to say. Reading your post I am not sure what you are trying to say either. But I am fairly sure I understand what you are saying. You are saying you have not reached "deal breaker status" quite yet. You have come right up to the edge but you haven't crossed over the line as yet. When you actually really get there you will know it. I’d really like to know what my limit is. I am not sure I do. The history is surely enough in parts, and definitely in total, to turn me off completely. 🤷♀️
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 31, 2019 8:10:52 GMT -5
Didn’t he beg and beg you to get him that boat?
I honestly don’t see what you get out of living with him. I remember that picture you posted of yourself when you had an out of town reunion with old friends. You looked gorgeous and happy away from your ex. Seems you could have a much happier life without him. What is stopping you? It has to be more than fear of paying alimony, s small price to pay to rid yourself of a passive aggressive refusing leech.
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Wow.
Aug 1, 2019 10:49:18 GMT -5
JMX likes this
Post by Apocrypha on Aug 1, 2019 10:49:18 GMT -5
Reading your post I am not sure what you are trying to say either. But I am fairly sure I understand what you are saying. You are saying you have not reached "deal breaker status" quite yet. You have come right up to the edge but you haven't crossed over the line as yet. When you actually really get there you will know it. I’d really like to know what my limit is. I am not sure I do. The history is surely enough in parts, and definitely in total, to turn me off completely. 🤷♀️ I don't really agree about "knowing what my limit is" - at least in terms of what I would endure. That's not fixed because if I felt there was hope of any kind, what wouldn't I endure? Especially because I'd defined an element of my self-worth in a relationship BY how much torture I could withstand - so it led to a dance in which I kept chasing moving goalposts, and finding energy each time they moved farther. My change wasn't triggered by a limit reached so much as it was with 1. a clear realization of the trajectory and pattern - well-tested and established (changing goalposts, repeated and constant violations of our "rules", no matter how liberating or accommodating) 2. a clearly considered comparison against alternatives - (sleeping apart, alone, and divesting myself of romantic expectation and effort) 3. and finally a peace in letting go enough to pass her own accountability for our relationship upkeep back to her - knowing she'd likely let it drop. (establishing my threshold for what a marriage is, vs that of an amicable ex-wife)
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Post by JMX on Aug 1, 2019 15:49:21 GMT -5
Didn’t he beg and beg you to get him that boat? I honestly don’t see what you get out of living with him. I remember that picture you posted of yourself when you had an out of town reunion with old friends. You looked gorgeous and happy away from your ex. Seems you could have a much happier life without him. What is stopping you? It has to be more than fear of paying alimony, s small price to pay to rid yourself of a passive aggressive refusing leech. What you say is true. And I don’t have an answer.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 2, 2019 6:19:52 GMT -5
One of the reasons this site is here is to help us find that answer. It's there, inside you, not here. I can tell you my reason why I left, but you need to find your own.
I realized I was not loved, and probably never was. I was controlled.
I was given excuses rather than reasons. Reasons have solutions. Excuses don't.
I could go on, but once you even have one answer that sticks, you don't need another.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 2, 2019 7:36:53 GMT -5
I realized I was not loved, and probably never was. I was controlled. I could go on, but once you even have one answer that sticks, you don't need another. AMEN! (YES!!) It's also amazing how that one answer that sticks begins to apply itself to more past, present, and future problems .
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