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Post by ironhamster on Jul 5, 2019 13:37:05 GMT -5
(Replying mostly to whynotm3) I think most of us would agree that this issue is much bigger than our individual marriages. It is one of the leading causes of infidelity and divorce. It's an issue that is tearing at the heart of western civilization. I keep looking for the root cause of so many SMs today. I do NOT believe it is because men have become such selfish rat bastards in the last 50 or so years (apparently this is a fairly recent phenomenon culturally). I do believe modern feminism is the problem! It's this generation of women that has been brought up to be selfish, That, and the fact that women naturally tend to bring so damn much baggage with them into the bedroom. Women today want to be men. They want to be in charge, make the rules, prove that Momma knows best (and that Daddy is a selfish dolt), and her chosen bludgeon is control of all sex! That's how she keeps her man subservient and suffering. I believe it's a calculated and strategic strike at the heart of the nuclear family! Liberals have even advocated sex strikes if men don't vote the way they are told to. How manipulative and coercive can you get? I'd love to get feedback from some of the women members, here. A lot of this withholding needs no political pressuring. My wife would create arguments based on her moral beliefs, or challenge mine, and the results of a disagreement was no less cold and sparse than any other day. Meanwhile, I am pretty sure the beds of higher libido but politically diametrically opposed couples such as Mary Matalin and James Carville rock the house in ways we don't even care to imagine. One of my early mentors in this was a woman who described my wife as a "parasite." I dismissed that for months, before realizing she was right. In retrospect, she was right about everything. I recently reconnected with her, and, one thing she said was that, when her SIL made the parasite observation about her husband she fought that for months, too.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 5, 2019 13:49:12 GMT -5
...oh. The pressuring has always been there for some women. I doubt I am the only one that remembers the term "pussy whipped."
Truthfully, if my partner is not enthusiastic, wanting what I have to offer, that is a deal breaker for me. I spent too long fighting for affection. I'm not going to fight or compromise. The exchange needs to be mutually beneficial.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 5, 2019 13:53:15 GMT -5
Uhh..no I dont think that at all. Im saying the rules have changed. Many men dont see that. To put it another way, I think women are more likely to cheat now than 20 or 30 years ago. For the reasons cited. Im not judging that Im making the observation. Daddeeo thinks that women should stay in marriages where they are not loved or supported because they made a promise to “honor, love, and obey” til death do they part??
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 5, 2019 14:26:44 GMT -5
.To put it another way, I think women are more likely to cheat now than 20 or 30 years ago. For the reasons cited. Im not judging that Im making the observation. I have to disagree Daddeo, based purely on my experiences with married women. Note my stories about sex with married women(Hot Memories)....Married women been a very, very good to me. (Except for the ones I married.)
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 5, 2019 14:36:04 GMT -5
Married women are a great pool for conquest. Your main competition is her dud of a spouse. With single women, you are competing with everyone. ;-) .To put it another way, I think women are more likely to cheat now than 20 or 30 years ago. For the reasons cited. Im not judging that Im making the observation. I have to disagree Daddeo, based purely on my experiences with married women. Note my stories about sex with married women(Hot Memories)....Married women been a very, very good to me. (Except for the ones I married.)
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 5, 2019 14:39:24 GMT -5
Married women are a great pool for conquest. Your main competition is her dud of a spouse. With single women, you are competing with everyone. ;-) I have to disagree Daddeo, based purely on my experiences with married women. Note my stories about sex with married women(Hot Memories)....Married women been a very, very good to me. (Except for the ones I married.) Since almost by definition a single woman is single and therefore likely unattached, who is she cheating on?
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Post by sadkat on Jul 5, 2019 14:41:48 GMT -5
Uhh..no I dont think that at all. Im saying the rules have changed. Many men dont see that. To put it another way, I think women are more likely to cheat now than 20 or 30 years ago. For the reasons cited. Im not judging that Im making the observation. Daddeeo thinks that women should stay in marriages where they are not loved or supported because they made a promise to “honor, love, and obey” til death do they part?? I don’t agree with that statement- I’ll give myself up as an example- I married with the commitment that I would stay faithful to my husband until one of us died (and, because I’m such a sap, way beyond death). The constant rejection and lack of affection made that commitment unbearable. Contrary to popular belief, most women don’t take cheating lightly. I certainly didn’t and was wracked by guilt. So much so that I went 15 years completely celibate. Enough is enough. I am by no means a feminist but I do support the rights of women. I don’t like it when anyone makes a general statement about “women these days”- this is a very dangerous and wrong generalization. I’m sure there are some female serial cheaters and hard-line feminists out there but it is definitely not a majority. You are doing all of us a disservice by thinking so.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2019 14:44:54 GMT -5
greatcoastal .... "Your H needs to see that his way is not the only way. A relationship IS a 2 way street!" I agree and have been trying to find the middle ground. When one is fairly set in their ways, there's little anyone can do to change them - at least for the longterm. It seems even with effort made, eventually both sides fall back into their comfortable positions and the gap widens So I remain where I was and have been .... accept or leave. Neither option is particularly appealing to me still. I keep hoping for a miracle or a magic door #3 to be revealed with a more promising prize. I'm only wasting my own time wishing on a star. I do believe all this stalling is teaching me something, though, and will benefit me - one day.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 5, 2019 14:51:24 GMT -5
Its dangerous to say women are more likely to cheat now than ever before? I dont consider that dangerous at all. But a reflection of contemporary society Im not judging at all. Im making the observation that maybe marriage and monogamy in today's world is not realistic. For any number of reasons. People become disgruntled but cannot leave or divorce, so they look for options. Uhh..no I dont think that at all. Im saying the rules have changed. Many men dont see that. To put it another way, I think women are more likely to cheat now than 20 or 30 years ago. For the reasons cited. Im not judging that Im making the observation. I don’t agree with that statement- I’ll give myself up as an example- I married with the commitment that I would stay faithful to my husband until one of us died (and, because I’m such a sap, way beyond death). The constant rejection and lack of affection made that commitment unbearable. Contrary to popular belief, most women don’t take cheating lightly. I certainly didn’t and was wracked by guilt. So much so that I went 15 years completely celibate. Enough is enough. I am by no means a feminist but I do support the rights of women. I don’t like it when anyone makes a general statement about “women these days”- this is a very dangerous and wrong generalization. I’m sure there are some female serial cheaters and hard-line feminists out there but it is definitely not a majority. You are doing all of us a disservice by thinking so.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 5, 2019 14:57:48 GMT -5
You can only change yourself. He is responsible for his actions and all that follows. greatcoastal .... "Your H needs to see that his way is not the only way. A relationship IS a 2 way street!" I agree and have been trying to find the middle ground. When one is fairly set in their ways, there's little anyone can do to change them - at least for the longterm. It seems even with effort made, eventually both sides fall back into their comfortable positions and the gap widens So I remain where I was and have been .... accept or leave. Neither option is particularly appealing to me still. I keep hoping for a miracle or a magic door #3 to be revealed with a more promising prize. I'm only wasting my own time wishing on a star. I do believe all this stalling is teaching me something, though, and will benefit me - one day.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2019 15:17:01 GMT -5
greatcoastal .... "Your H needs to see that his way is not the only way. A relationship IS a 2 way street!" I agree and have been trying to find the middle ground. When one is fairly set in their ways, there's little anyone can do to change them - at least for the longterm. It seems even with effort made, eventually both sides fall back into their comfortable positions and the gap widens So I remain where I was and have been .... accept or leave. Neither option is particularly appealing to me still. I keep hoping for a miracle or a magic door #3 to be revealed with a more promising prize. I'm only wasting my own time wishing on a star. I do believe all this stalling is teaching me something, though, and will benefit me - one day. "Accept or leave. Neither option is particularly appealing to me still." Yup....Sadly this is so true. Maybe... a couple of STRONG tipping points need to happen? Not something that any of us want, but hindsight sure seems t o prove that they where needed and helpful. Long Term is something to give a lot more thought and consideration. The old " teach a man to fish" comes to mind. Do you think your going out, movies, other people, nightlife, etc... is something you want for the long term ? and want a partner to do these things with? ( not that there's anything wrong with that) However there is also the comfort that comes with routine and familiarity. Sex too can become routine and need some change of behavior, and surroundings . Sounds like you are getting blue with these conversations that soon end up right back where you started? Actions speak louder than words. Talk at this point is not solving things. Perhaps your H lives in a land of emotional reasoning? IE : facts mean nothing. Stalling does teach you that you have patients. However once someone ignores your patience they will continue to take advantage of it. Self fulfillment is a strong quality to strive for in your future goals, do not be ashamed of it. You deserve it! (Last night I gave and received much self fulfillment. Something that was never going to happen in my old marriage)
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2019 15:43:44 GMT -5
greatcoastal .... "Your H needs to see that his way is not the only way. A relationship IS a 2 way street!" I agree and have been trying to find the middle ground. When one is fairly set in their ways, there's little anyone can do to change them - at least for the longterm. It seems even with effort made, eventually both sides fall back into their comfortable positions and the gap widens So I remain where I was and have been .... accept or leave. Neither option is particularly appealing to me still. I keep hoping for a miracle or a magic door #3 to be revealed with a more promising prize. I'm only wasting my own time wishing on a star. I do believe all this stalling is teaching me something, though, and will benefit me - one day. "Accept or leave. Neither option is particularly appealing to me still." Yup....Sadly this is so true. Maybe... a couple of STRONG tipping points need to happen? Not something that any of us want, but hindsight sure seems t o prove that they where needed and helpful. Long Term is something to give a lot more thought and consideration. The old " teach a man to fish" comes to mind. Do you think your going out, movies, other people, nightlife, etc... is something you want for the long term ? and want a partner to do these things with? ( not that there's anything wrong with that) However there is also the comfort that comes with routine and familiarity. Sex too can become routine and need some change of behavior, and surroundings . Sounds like you are getting blue with these conversations that soon end up right back where you started? Actions speak louder than words. Talk at this point is not solving things. Perhaps your H lives in a land of emotional reasoning? IE : facts mean nothing. Stalling does teach you that you have patients. However once someone ignores your patience they will continue to take advantage of it. Self fulfillment is a strong quality to strive for in your future goals, do not be ashamed of it. You deserve it! (Last night I gave and received much self fulfillment. Something that was never going to happen in my old marriage) Much to think about there greatcoastal. I agree with the 'tipping points". He's basically a good husband, though ... home every night, takes care of me when I'm sick, helps out around the house, isn't out at the bars. Ya know, what many women want. Then there's me .... who actually wants a little interest, and involvement, and affection, and, yes, someone to do things with so I'm not solo every time I step out of the house. I mean, if I'm gonna continue to 'act single', eventually I may as well become actually single. What an ungrateful B I must be. Thank you for your words. I get a gold star for my patience. I may choke on that gold star before too long, too. Sigh....
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2019 18:47:59 GMT -5
"Accept or leave. Neither option is particularly appealing to me still." Yup....Sadly this is so true. Maybe... a couple of STRONG tipping points need to happen? Not something that any of us want, but hindsight sure seems t o prove that they where needed and helpful. Long Term is something to give a lot more thought and consideration. The old " teach a man to fish" comes to mind. Do you think your going out, movies, other people, nightlife, etc... is something you want for the long term ? and want a partner to do these things with? ( not that there's anything wrong with that) However there is also the comfort that comes with routine and familiarity. Sex too can become routine and need some change of behavior, and surroundings . Sounds like you are getting blue with these conversations that soon end up right back where you started? Actions speak louder than words. Talk at this point is not solving things. Perhaps your H lives in a land of emotional reasoning? IE : facts mean nothing. Stalling does teach you that you have patients. However once someone ignores your patience they will continue to take advantage of it. Self fulfillment is a strong quality to strive for in your future goals, do not be ashamed of it. You deserve it! (Last night I gave and received much self fulfillment. Something that was never going to happen in my old marriage) Much to think about there greatcoastal . I agree with the 'tipping points". He's basically a good husband, though ... home every night, takes care of me when I'm sick, helps out around the house, isn't out at the bars. Ya know, what many women want. Then there's me .... who actually wants a little interest, and involvement, and affection, and, yes, someone to do things with so I'm not solo every time I step out of the house. I mean, if I'm gonna continue to 'act single', eventually I may as well become actually single. What an ungrateful B I must be. Thank you for your words. I get a gold star for my patience. I may choke on that gold star before too long, too. Sigh.... I'd love to give you more "uplifting words" but the part about patience needs addressing. Being 'patient' can also mean being manipulated and abused. Not good. being patient can also show that YOU are not able to give out consequences when your boundaries are violated. Being patient can also mean that you are being far too codependent. I realize I am speaking to myself here as well! For me it took "a new beginning". New home, job, partner, etc... This has shown me that my boundaries and needs can be respected, followed, appreciated and ENJOYED by other people!
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Post by Handy on Jul 5, 2019 20:19:11 GMT -5
greatcostal This has shown me that my boundaries and needs can be respected, followed, appreciated and ENJOYED by other people!
This is worth remembering.
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Post by notdeadyet on Jul 6, 2019 18:46:17 GMT -5
Sadkat, the tactic of spinning what someone says to the far extreme is a transparent and juvenile tactic to dodge the real issue at hand. No One is advocating neanderthal behaviour. But it is my experience and observation that there is far too much of a contest for power and control in today's marriages vis-a-vis previous generations. I merely suggest what I think is the cause. Please tell us what do YOU attribute that struggle to?
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