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Post by 2019change on Jun 23, 2019 13:01:12 GMT -5
So you decide to stay. Do you pretend to the rest of the world that you have the perfect marriage, post happy vacation photos on Facebook. Laugh and joke, even show a little intimacy towards each other when out with friends and family.
And do you ever find your partner acting like they are romantic, flirty, will even join in the conversation if it gets a little risque when you are out together with company?
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 23, 2019 14:28:47 GMT -5
I do those things. Not as a pretense but as a reality. By choosing to stay I have accepted that my libido is not in sync with my W. By choosing to stay my W has accepted that her libido is not in sync with mine. The other facets of our relationship exist beyond the sexuality. Vacations are fun. We do touch, hold hands, enjoy sexual innuendos. For those who choose to stay and do not enjoy life with their partner I would contend they have made the wrong choice.
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Post by Handy on Jun 23, 2019 15:54:48 GMT -5
I do enough "civil stuff" to avoid hard feelings and resentments.
I did skip the wedding anniversary again this year. I just did yard work like it was a normal day.
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 23, 2019 16:20:16 GMT -5
I do enough "civil stuff" to avoid hard feelings and resentments. I did skip the wedding anniversary again this year. I just did yard work like it was a normal day. We celebrated our 50th last weekend. We went to Niagra Falls. We had a great time plus 2 bjs. I would everyone to take a moment and reflect on the fact that I and Handy have been married longer than most of our members have been alive. Ps: not to each other.
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Post by Handy on Jun 23, 2019 18:10:13 GMT -5
I stopped there one night and 1/2 day at Niagra Falls when I got M. You got 2 BJs, luckydog wink- kink, WTG! I try to be independent as possible without creating major relationship issues.
If an almost perfect affair partner fell into my lap, I think I would be gone.
Right now accepting friends but not pushing for more.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2019 21:24:40 GMT -5
Baz, did you forget your password? Why did you register under a new name?
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Post by baza on Jun 23, 2019 21:38:33 GMT -5
Baz, did you forget your password? Why did you register under a new name? Log in error (on my part) northstarmomThat "baz" account has been sitting there, inactive, for ages. Nothing sinister going on.
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Post by baza on Jun 23, 2019 21:46:43 GMT -5
So you decide to stay. Do you pretend to the rest of the world that you have the perfect marriage, post happy vacation photos on Facebook. Laugh and joke, even show a little intimacy towards each other when out with friends and family. And do you ever find your partner acting like they are romantic, flirty, will even join in the conversation if it gets a little risque when you are out together with company? I like the jim44444 model, wherein jim and Mrs jim are both staying, both owning that choice, and both living that choice. I think that strategy is way more likely to produce an honest and genuine outcome longer term, whereas "putting on an act" probably won't.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2019 6:55:20 GMT -5
Interesting question, I'm curious how this thread will play out as it ages.
Pretending was the subject of an ongoing discussion in my women's group. Family photos, fake smiles, keeping busy, avoidance. There's more faking on social media than at a high school reunion.
Our marriage, although roughly half as long as Jim's, is similar to it. We don't have to pretend we love each other because we do. Handholding, doting on each other, laughing and joking all take place. But when evening comes and it's time to go to bed, I stay on my side and he stays on his. We accept each other, our differences, and choose to focus on how those differences complement one another.
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Post by lessingham on Jun 24, 2019 17:43:26 GMT -5
I do not pretend. I enjoy my wife's company and we have romantic times. I do not pretend our sex life is good/fair or even sexless. I celebrate what we have and endure what we have not. But there are bad days and nights when I am too horny to sleep.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 24, 2019 17:51:03 GMT -5
We've been together 35 years, married for 34. Intimacy is now about 3-4 times a year between the 2 of us. I have gone as far as making plans for our retirement - mine is coming up next year. We bought a camper and a big ass truck to haul it around. She wants to work a few more years,and we have almost always taken separate vacations so, no surprise when I roll southward by myself next fall. When we do leave together there is 2 separate sleeping areas. She won't have to worry about "meeting my needs". I still love her, even when we argue or when one of us is a little crazy. We still have a compatible outlook on life. We can still make each other laugh and we have grandchildren to love. I do have an AP to help with my sexual health - without her I don't really know where I would be.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2019 10:04:01 GMT -5
I think acceptance of loving someone for who they are and how they show their love is key to staying. I have been with Mr Bballgirl for 29 years. We were married for 23 then we divorced and lived separately for 2 years. During those 2 years I learned about myself and what I wanted. I wanted my family together. I moved back to our home and today I’m not married and I’m not sexless. Divorce fixed a lot of financial problems we had. Mr Bballgirl is my best friend, he is who I want to go to the movies and dinner with. We still have young kids to take care of and enjoy activities with. I outsource with a great guy too, we are good friends and very sexually compatible, sex is so fun for us. So what I need for MYSELF I get from two different men and I’m happy.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 3, 2019 11:01:16 GMT -5
I don't know that pretend is exactly the right word. I'm thinking more along the lines of hid. We simply weren't as overtly affectionate(almost entirely me) and our language toward each other changed. I noted my then W started referring to me as "he" instead of using my name. Other subtle changes included me not addressing her as sweetheart, I used her name. Perhaps not enough to give the changing dynamic away. Who knows? Unfortunately my attempts at working out possible staying options (me having a FWB) or a don't ask, don't tell policy weren't acceptable for her. I wish we could have worked it out.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2019 12:21:55 GMT -5
No, we don't even pretend. We are fully platonic roommates. Business partners. If anything remotely romantic or sexual comes up in any conversation/movie/etc my W makes a point of saying something along the lines of "Oh, everything is all about sex all the time."
I have to take some ownership of this. Before the menopause/permanent-excuse I did put some effort into sitting next to her on the couch, initiating the occasional dry-peck kiss, touching her arm or whatever. Since I exited the bedroom, I have used the space to create more space. I doubt it's healthy for the relationship (such as it is) but it's healthy for me.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 15, 2019 16:11:11 GMT -5
I couldn't play the game once I lost hope. I couldn't be fake. I was civil but didn't hold hands, I didn't post fake happy family things on FB nor did I post my drama. Vacation pictures were of scenery and places. Christmas pics were of my kids and gifts. The only pics of my now ex in the last 10 years was probably the yearly veterans day post.
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