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Post by Handy on Jul 9, 2019 15:40:52 GMT -5
FlashJohn
Over the years, my ExRefuser used to say, "You only married me for sex." After about 5 years of this, I started responding with, "Well, if I did, then I am the stupidest person on the face of the earth."
I think some people think having a lot of sex is doing it once a month, so anything more than that is excessive to them Which leads to the refuser saying "all you want is sex."
My W was sort of hot-to-trott in the early days but wound up telling me having sex 4 times a year would be her ideal sexual frequency which triggered her telling me "all you want is sex."
With some people, being approached at a higher frequency than they desire elicits the "all you want is sex" response. So is it bait and switch or did something else happen like hormones, financial difficulties or other problems influence the decrease in desire from the lower drive spouse? I think the answer is some of each and some internal to the individual biological program that influences how they think, feel and act.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 11, 2019 16:04:15 GMT -5
FlashJohn
Over the years, my ExRefuser used to say, "You only married me for sex." After about 5 years of this, I started responding with, "Well, if I did, then I am the stupidest person on the face of the earth."I think some people think having a lot of sex is doing it once a month, so anything more than that is excessive to them Which leads to the refuser saying "all you want is sex." My W was sort of hot-to-trott in the early days but wound up telling me having sex 4 times a year would be her ideal sexual frequency which triggered her telling me "all you want is sex." With some people, being approached at a higher frequency than they desire elicits the "all you want is sex" response. So is it bait and switch or did something else happen like hormones, financial difficulties or other problems influence the decrease in desire from the lower drive spouse? I think the answer is some of each and some internal to the individual biological program that influences how they think, feel and act. You could be right. However, my ExRefuser refused to fuck on the wedding night and the rest of the honeymoon, so I am pretty sure that she intentionally deceived me.
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Post by Handy on Jul 11, 2019 20:46:22 GMT -5
FlashJphn Howeverr, my ExRefuser refused to fuck on the wedding night and the rest of the honeymoon,...
No sex on the honeymoon. Yea, that is SUPER BAD.
I an not bragging but my W was waiting for me to carry her over the thresh hold as soon as we got to the mote after we got married. A quick shower and she put on a negligee, which I quickly removed, and we went to town. Just once that night but the next couple of days I know we had sex 2 times one day and then someone got a little sore so we cut back to 1 or 2 times a day for the rest of the week.
No sex on the honeymoon ought to be a foul/penalty of some sort, just like they have in American football.
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timedelay
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Post by timedelay on Jul 12, 2019 7:01:37 GMT -5
FlashJphn Howeverr, my ExRefuser refused to fuck on the wedding night and the rest of the honeymoon,...No sex on the honeymoon. Yea, that is SUPER BAD. No sex on the honeymoon ought to be a foul/penalty of some sort, just like they have in American football. My husband was 'ill' on our wedding night..and didn't organize a honeymoon so I found a hotel at the last minute..we only had a few days away..it was strained, with no sex..christ I was such an idiot..
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2019 10:45:09 GMT -5
We had bad sex on our wedding night and then zero/nothing on the honeymoon. I think the expectation of sex was too much for her, very stressful given all that I know now.
Not to get religious but no sex on the wedding night/honeymoon is a foul. At least in my own religious tradition if you don't consummate the marriage then there is no marriage. But that's religion, not law.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 12, 2019 14:41:13 GMT -5
No sex on the honeymoon ought to be a foul/penalty of some sort, just like they have in American football. Yes, I should have packed up and went home that same night.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 12, 2019 14:45:11 GMT -5
We had bad sex on our wedding night and then zero/nothing on the honeymoon. I think the expectation of sex was too much for her, very stressful given all that I know now. Not to get religious but no sex on the wedding night/honeymoon is a foul. At least in my own religious tradition if you don't consummate the marriage then there is no marriage. But that's religion, not law. You are right. However, I was under the impression that any marital problems are always the fault of the husband, and I had an obligation to MAKE the marriage work. Yes, it was a very stupid thing to believe, and I paid the price for my stupidity.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 12, 2019 15:34:44 GMT -5
FlashJphn Howeverr, my ExRefuser refused to fuck on the wedding night and the rest of the honeymoon,...No sex on the honeymoon. Yea, that is SUPER BAD. No sex on the honeymoon ought to be a foul/penalty of some sort, just like they have in American football. My husband was 'ill' on our wedding night..and didn't organize a honeymoon so I found a hotel at the last minute..we only had a few days away..it was strained, with no sex..christ I was such an idiot.. Don't feel badly: I didn't get mine until about 10+ years after the fact. By that time, the marriage had long been sexless and I didn't even want to have sex on this "honeymoon.". A trip to the "Virgin Islands" indeed. 🙄
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2019 15:55:24 GMT -5
No sex on the honeymoon ought to be a foul/penalty of some sort, just like they have in American football. Yes, I should have packed up and went home that same night. I have this image in my head now. W: Peck on the cheek, "great day hon", rolls over to sleep. Me: Jumps out of bed, pulls yellow flag and whistle out of thin air, "Breeep, FALSE START, ILLEGAL BLOCK BELOW THE WAIST."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2019 16:01:57 GMT -5
We weren't idiots, we were, if anything, hopeful, idealistic, naive.....nice.
At the beginning of a relationships if your loved one says, "Not tonight, I'm tired/sick/just not into it but maybe tomorrow" then the mature reasonable response is "OK, I hear you and love you." It's still the reasonable response for the moment all these years later. But add 5, 10, 15 years to "not tonight" and those first moments seem like flashing red lights and the 10 year response of "Something's horribly wrong we need to talk" is also the mature reasonable thing.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 12, 2019 16:12:08 GMT -5
Guys, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with some women. Of course, I have my own strange anti sex husband to deal with, so I realize there's plenty of suffering to go around.
Of course, back in the "good old days" women got sold the bill of goods "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? " which I suspect messed up some women and made them permanently sex-averse. Some women are victimized by sex abusers and that takes a toll. . And some women have gynecologic issues which can make sex uncomfortable at times. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Yet... I have had all of the above at times, but it never made me asexual.
Sooooo...I don't know what to say.
😔🌻
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 12, 2019 17:16:05 GMT -5
We weren't idiots, we were, if anything, hopeful, idealistic, naive.....nice. At the beginning of a relationships if your loved one says, "Not tonight, I'm tired/sick/just not into it but maybe tomorrow" then the mature reasonable response is "OK, I hear you and love you." It's still the reasonable response for the moment all these years later. But add 5, 10, 15 years to "not tonight" and those first moments seem like flashing red lights and the 10 year response of "Something's horribly wrong we need to talk" is also the mature reasonable thing. Yes, I thought I was being a nice, understanding husband. However, after dating for 2.5 years with no sex, it is also normal to expect sex at the first opportunity.
Now, I tell people that if a spouse won't fuck on the wedding night, pack up and leave right then, and never look back.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 12, 2019 17:18:05 GMT -5
Guys, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with some women. Of course, I have my own strange anti sex husband to deal with, so I realize there's plenty of suffering to go around. Of course, back in the "good old days" women got sold the bill of goods "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? " which I suspect messed up some women and made them permanently sex-averse. Some women are victimized by sex abusers and that takes a toll. . And some women have gynecologic issues which can make sex uncomfortable at times. Etc. Etc. Etc. Yet... I have had all of the above at times, but it never made me asexual. Sooooo...I don't know what to say. 😔🌻 You are certainly right. Honestly, if my ExRefuser had admitted that she had a problem, and tried to do something about it, I would probably still be married to her. But 6 years of total celibacy along with her sexual insults was entirely too much.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 12, 2019 17:54:00 GMT -5
Guys, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with some women. Of course, I have my own strange anti sex husband to deal with, so I realize there's plenty of suffering to go around. Of course, back in the "good old days" women got sold the bill of goods "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? " which I suspect messed up some women and made them permanently sex-averse. Some women are victimized by sex abusers and that takes a toll. . And some women have gynecologic issues which can make sex uncomfortable at times. Etc. Etc. Etc. Yet... I have had all of the above at times, but it never made me asexual. Sooooo...I don't know what to say. 😔🌻 You are certainly right. Honestly, if my ExRefuser had admitted that she had a problem, and tried to do something about it, I would probably still be married to her. But 6 years of total celibacy along with her sexual insults was entirely too much. Oh no. You were absolutely right to dump her. I think there's another reason some men and women refuse to have sex: they're jerks, to use the medically inappropriate term. And there ain't no curing that. 🙄
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2019 17:55:01 GMT -5
We weren't idiots, we were, if anything, hopeful, idealistic, naive.....nice. At the beginning of a relationships if your loved one says, "Not tonight, I'm tired/sick/just not into it but maybe tomorrow" then the mature reasonable response is "OK, I hear you and love you." It's still the reasonable response for the moment all these years later. But add 5, 10, 15 years to "not tonight" and those first moments seem like flashing red lights and the 10 year response of "Something's horribly wrong we need to talk" is also the mature reasonable thing. Yes, I thought I was being a nice, understanding husband. However, after dating for 2.5 years with no sex, it is also normal to expect sex at the first opportunity.
Now, I tell people that if a spouse won't fuck on the wedding night, pack up and leave right then, and never look back.
Yes and no. I remember what A LONG day the wedding day was! After the entire wedding, dinner, gifts, etc.. then boarding a plane, arriving supper late at a hotel...I did not mind waiting until the next day. Especially since she was a virgin and I was not. The yellow flags was the "one position" and lack of desire ,to do more than the minimum. This went on for several days. It was after getting home and the constant, " I don't like that" to what where normal requests that should have been a deal breaker. My " White Knight syndrome, codependency, strong spirit of I can help you" kept me trapped for decades. ( add children to that too)
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