Hello everyone!!! Is this like a AA meeting? My name is Will and I've been in a SM for 10 years. haha!
I've been reading postings and see many of the same things I've experienced over the last 10 years. My spouse is like many I've read about who has no desire for sex and doesn't care about my feelings, etc around sex. We get along well otherwise. Our sex life went from a few times a month, to a few times a year, to once a year for the past several years. Now we are roommates with little to no touching at all. We've been to marriage counseling a couple times that had very short term improvements. Currently, I'm at the stage of deciding to separate or outsource??? We have two children together and now wouldn't be the best time to separate. I suggested we have a "don't ask don't tell" arrangement, but she hasn't agreed or disagreed to it. I hope to read and chat about experiences people on this site have had with outsourcing.
Well, a "don't ask don't tell" set up by its' very nature is a situation that is not agreed but is rather just ignored. So if you want, take it that your spouse has not disagreed and proceed with the cheating option.
Be aware though that this is the most adventurous option there is and is a guaranteed game changer .... and how it will change the game is largely unknown. Things can spin off at crazy tangents, up to and including collapsing your primary relationship. And whereas the ending of your primary relationship might not ultimately be a bad thing, it sure can get messy if cheating is in play.
Before you do anything, see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you would be my suggestion. Treat this cheating option as seriously as you would a divorce - because that is pretty likely outcome.
ironhamster , and others have had some experience in this option. Reading some of their posts might be useful for you Brother CoastalNC .
Post by ironhamster on Jun 13, 2019 22:31:42 GMT -5
Greetings, CoastalNC. I am sorry for your predicament, but glad you have found your way here.
Odds are high that going with a don't ask don't tell option is simply to make the current situation livable, and that there will be a divorce down the road. You owe it to yourself to visit a lawyer and see how delaying a divorce a few years will affect your settlement. I believe you will find that, as expensive as a divorce would look now, it will be cheap in comparison, but you may be able to plan better. If I could have sent my wife back to work a few years ago, my alimony would be significantly less than it is. In Illinois, a marriage of over twenty years means the alimony is permanent. If I had divorced at ten years, I'd be done paying by now.
I think you will find that your kids are smart, and they know there is a problem in the marriage. Don't stay if the relationship becomes toxic. A home with a toxic relationship is already broken.
Be aware of laws regarding infidelity. Some southern states still have laws and courts that frown on this, even if there is permission given.
Don't ask don't tell is difficult. I had it for a few months, and I don't think she took it seriously, because she finally asked and I told her, and that was when our situation went toxic.
My girlfriend remains married. She has had a "don't ask don't tell" relationship for most of the last decade, so they can be semi-permanent. Occasionally, there is a clue that gets to him, and he makes a rude remark or otherwise creates some stress at home. That is not healthy for the kids. I can't do anything about that, though.
Thanks for the advice, etc!! Reading posts from this site the past few days has been very valuable.
It was suggested to me recently by a lawyer friend to track refusals and successes on a calendar and to save anything I can in writing (text, email). His reason was most judges in my jurisdiction would consider things while deciding if alimony is awarded. He's seen several cases of SM that alimony was denied to the refuser when sufficient evidence was given. I saved some texts over the years that she suggested I get a fwb and not bother her.
I feel bad at times for having an issue with no intimacy or sex because our relationship is good otherwise. When I ignore my needs and not try to initiate, all is well. I'm the one who gets frustrated or angry after being rejected. In a perfect situation, having someone who is also in a SM to talk to and see would be ideal. Of course that is fantasy land.. haha!
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
worksforme2: Since our esteemed governor has declared a state of emergency here in NC (a total of 12 cases so far) the hording of toilet paper has begun. Is diarrhea a part of covid 19? I see Lowes and Home Depot have quick install toilet retro fit bidets.
Mar 13, 2020 10:34:57 GMT -5
petrushka: I've no idea what it is with the toilet paper hoarding. I walked out of a supermarket yesterday and saw a woman with the jumbo sized trolley and some 4x 18 roll packs of toilet paper. Nuts. Completely nuts. Incidentally, a bidet is definitely the way to go
Mar 14, 2020 6:18:43 GMT -5
petrushka: Even her little 5 or 6 year old was questioning her purchase!
Mar 14, 2020 6:25:44 GMT -5
petrushka: One of my favourite quotes for the last 30 years: "don't ever look a sheep in the eyes, the intellectual vacuum may suck your brains out". Well, let's all drink to the sheeple! (besides, alcohol is a good disinfectant).
Mar 14, 2020 6:31:26 GMT -5
frednsa: so...............i'd like to tell her when she "attempts to placate me": have you ever been invited to a party where you knew for certain that you WEREN'T wanted ?
Mar 19, 2020 15:57:05 GMT -5
worksforme2: Former Miss Hawaii tests positive. Being the gallant lad that I am I have offered her the use of my guest bedroom to "shelter in place"..
Mar 23, 2020 20:34:21 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey tamara68, there is a covid19 positive cat in Belgium, watch out for it.
Mar 30, 2020 14:05:56 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme I think I have to be more careful for all infected people. Most likely I already have Covid19
Apr 1, 2020 3:29:42 GMT -5
worksforme2: tamara68.....it's been a couple weeks since you posted you may have the covid19 virus. hopefully you are feeling better and are on your way to renewed health
Apr 11, 2020 5:31:38 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme thanks, yes I am feeling better. How is it in the USA?
Apr 14, 2020 1:57:26 GMT -5
worksforme2: some better and some worse,..virus seems to be slowing down, but people are beginning to refuse to stay inside,...worst thing I see is Biden leading in the election poles,...but that could be fake news
Apr 20, 2020 16:56:22 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Politics? Is that what we want to happen here?
Apr 21, 2020 6:21:24 GMT -5
petrushka: Certainly not American style politics. Toxic echo chambers.
Apr 23, 2020 16:21:52 GMT -5
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5
worksforme2: 19000 days and nights,....damn dude, that's 52 yrs.
Jun 17, 2020 9:19:10 GMT -5
fred: you're a little short works - was thinking this AM, there has NEVER been a day when she indicated desire for me physically (other than for heavy lifting or finance)........LOL...........earlier, i had enough libido for both of us, now i'm left with guilt
Jun 20, 2020 13:11:12 GMT -5
fred: over imposing myself on her rather than simply leaving .....DAMN LOVE ANYWAY !
Jun 20, 2020 13:12:12 GMT -5
mesulina: update everyone, still has not happened. I have now come to accept that I will live with out. It is just different now.
Jun 29, 2020 19:32:31 GMT -5
worksforme2: Sorry mesulina,... but on the positive side you did stock up on toys a short time back,..now might be the time to go for the gusto
Jun 30, 2020 17:42:54 GMT -5