Hello everyone!!! Is this like a AA meeting? My name is Will and I've been in a SM for 10 years. haha!
I've been reading postings and see many of the same things I've experienced over the last 10 years. My spouse is like many I've read about who has no desire for sex and doesn't care about my feelings, etc around sex. We get along well otherwise. Our sex life went from a few times a month, to a few times a year, to once a year for the past several years. Now we are roommates with little to no touching at all. We've been to marriage counseling a couple times that had very short term improvements. Currently, I'm at the stage of deciding to separate or outsource??? We have two children together and now wouldn't be the best time to separate. I suggested we have a "don't ask don't tell" arrangement, but she hasn't agreed or disagreed to it. I hope to read and chat about experiences people on this site have had with outsourcing.
Well, a "don't ask don't tell" set up by its' very nature is a situation that is not agreed but is rather just ignored. So if you want, take it that your spouse has not disagreed and proceed with the cheating option.
Be aware though that this is the most adventurous option there is and is a guaranteed game changer .... and how it will change the game is largely unknown. Things can spin off at crazy tangents, up to and including collapsing your primary relationship. And whereas the ending of your primary relationship might not ultimately be a bad thing, it sure can get messy if cheating is in play.
Before you do anything, see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you would be my suggestion. Treat this cheating option as seriously as you would a divorce - because that is pretty likely outcome.
ironhamster , and others have had some experience in this option. Reading some of their posts might be useful for you Brother CoastalNC .
Post by ironhamster on Jun 13, 2019 22:31:42 GMT -5
Greetings, CoastalNC. I am sorry for your predicament, but glad you have found your way here.
Odds are high that going with a don't ask don't tell option is simply to make the current situation livable, and that there will be a divorce down the road. You owe it to yourself to visit a lawyer and see how delaying a divorce a few years will affect your settlement. I believe you will find that, as expensive as a divorce would look now, it will be cheap in comparison, but you may be able to plan better. If I could have sent my wife back to work a few years ago, my alimony would be significantly less than it is. In Illinois, a marriage of over twenty years means the alimony is permanent. If I had divorced at ten years, I'd be done paying by now.
I think you will find that your kids are smart, and they know there is a problem in the marriage. Don't stay if the relationship becomes toxic. A home with a toxic relationship is already broken.
Be aware of laws regarding infidelity. Some southern states still have laws and courts that frown on this, even if there is permission given.
Don't ask don't tell is difficult. I had it for a few months, and I don't think she took it seriously, because she finally asked and I told her, and that was when our situation went toxic.
My girlfriend remains married. She has had a "don't ask don't tell" relationship for most of the last decade, so they can be semi-permanent. Occasionally, there is a clue that gets to him, and he makes a rude remark or otherwise creates some stress at home. That is not healthy for the kids. I can't do anything about that, though.
Thanks for the advice, etc!! Reading posts from this site the past few days has been very valuable.
It was suggested to me recently by a lawyer friend to track refusals and successes on a calendar and to save anything I can in writing (text, email). His reason was most judges in my jurisdiction would consider things while deciding if alimony is awarded. He's seen several cases of SM that alimony was denied to the refuser when sufficient evidence was given. I saved some texts over the years that she suggested I get a fwb and not bother her.
I feel bad at times for having an issue with no intimacy or sex because our relationship is good otherwise. When I ignore my needs and not try to initiate, all is well. I'm the one who gets frustrated or angry after being rejected. In a perfect situation, having someone who is also in a SM to talk to and see would be ideal. Of course that is fantasy land.. haha!
mirrororchid: Thanks, Isthisit. Celebrating the day we broke from the UK and chose to govern ourselves! Looking like a less good idea the last 50 years, but a little late. The Brits might say, "No backsies."
Jul 7, 2021 18:03:59 GMT -5
Handy: Petrushka, How is your knee replacement recovery going?
Jul 15, 2021 0:22:34 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hope you are OK Tamara 68.....
Jul 16, 2021 11:11:59 GMT -5
petrushka: Handy it is going. Still painful. First session with the physio yesterday and he was enthusiastic about my range of movement, and says many people never even get that far after the full 6 weeks physio. OK, I'll take it ;-) but it still hurts. A lot.
Jul 16, 2021 15:58:37 GMT -5
petrushka: I was concerned about some things, like how far I can [not] lift my leg, straightened, but he allayed my worries on that account. Seems I'm not at all behind the curve.
Jul 16, 2021 16:02:27 GMT -5
Handy: Petrushka, I am happy to hear your range of motion is still decent. My W had knee surgery so I was aware of at least most of her rehabilitation difficulties. Yes, it still hurts big time for you but seeing my W's recovery, it takes time and exercising.
Jul 16, 2021 17:05:15 GMT -5
njsojourner: I hope everyone is well! Thought I would share that I am still having a blast outsourcing. I now have a regular fuck buddy and she is great. Same situation as me but a few years younger. In fact, her sex drive is crazier than mine and stranger.
Jul 16, 2021 21:50:15 GMT -5
njsojourner: Hi all. I thought I’d just share I am still having a blast — I now have a regular fuck buddy. She is younger by 6 years and full of energy and into fetishes-she likes to “force” me to have sex in public places —I love it.
Jul 16, 2021 21:54:49 GMT -5
tamara68: worksforme2: I am ok, thank you. The floods in Belgium are about 50 or 60 miles from where I live. The worst floods in decades.
Jul 17, 2021 8:54:44 GMT -5
Handy: I looked up several pages about the European floods and I saw pictures of what were possibly small streams before the floods but with all of the rain, became fast moving rivers that overflow the river banks and took everything for a wild ride.
Jul 19, 2021 15:13:23 GMT -5
petrushka: Oh man, if a river excavates 20-30 feet DOWN you have a bit of a weather event on your hands all right!
Jul 19, 2021 21:39:01 GMT -5