Post by heathcliff on May 27, 2019 8:43:02 GMT -5
I posted in the Introduction thread on the Welcome board, but didn't want to get lost in there. Mods should feel free to move this wherever they want.
Us: late 40's, married, kids. Marriage is pretty good except for sex.
We are mostly sexless marriage for 20 years with periodic bursts of activity. We are completely sexless for over 4 years. She started the current dry spell, and I realized I didn't miss sex that much and waited to see if she would ever bring it up. Months turned into years.
We recently had another "talk". I told her that I didn't need to have sex with her, and asked her if she simply didn't want to have sex. I actually offered her a wide range of sexual choices, including open marriage, some other things, and "no sex". Not surprisingly, she wouldn't make a decision, but we spent most of our time talking in the area of "no sex".
She should have gotten the message that I can do without sex when I didn't even bring sex up during the current 4 year dry spell. Her reaction to me when I finally brought up the dry spell was to blame me for not being nicer to her, the same response she has had every time I bring the topic up for the last 20 years, which included bringing up inconsequential generalities since she rarely has any specifics. I told her I was not a seal and I do not perform for treats. I also told her that if she simply doesn't want to have sex with me, just say so, and that this is something she should have told me a long time ago. She said "but that isn't fair for you", and I told her that there was nothing less interesting sexually for me than her having sex with me because it was "fair for me". I am sure lots of you have had that talk.
My question is: has anyone in a sexless marriage ever gotten the vibe that their spouse is cheating on them? Right before the dry spell started was probably as sexually active as we had been since we got married. We were experimenting a little with fantasies, which she seemed to like a lot, which makes the dry spell seem stranger. There are periodic gaps in her days (multi-hour shopping trips, working late or after work appointments that seem to happen more frequently than they should) that I don't push her about, but start to add up.
Not sure what I do next.