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Post by flashjohn on May 21, 2019 16:05:04 GMT -5
Not really noteworthy except that she had been away for a week, I missed her, and tried to initiate tonight after she'd been back for a couple of days. And was refused again. This time it was because my body temperature is warm, and it's too hot out. She said o should try in winter. .... This really sounds like bullshit to me. I see that you plan to stay at least until your kids are out of the house. I hope that works well for you.
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Post by nyctos on May 22, 2019 17:51:46 GMT -5
nyctos, she is happy where she is at. You are not. It is your choice as to where this goes. It was only about two years ago that I was coming to grips with my reality, and grieving the death of the relationship. In truth, it was already dead but I never wanted to examine it to know for sure. In my case, it all came in stages. I remember mowing my lawn that summer and realizing that that yard, which was all paid for, was not mine anymore. On and on. I don't know where you will go from here. You can keep hoping she will change, or you can accept that she will not. Either path is painful. Which one do you think leads to your happiness? Honestly, I see no path to happiness. I see the unending pain of a shitty life. Hoping she will change is an empty shell, and accepting she will not is just giving up hope.
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Post by ironhamster on May 22, 2019 18:11:42 GMT -5
nyctos, she is happy where she is at. You are not. It is your choice as to where this goes. It was only about two years ago that I was coming to grips with my reality, and grieving the death of the relationship. In truth, it was already dead but I never wanted to examine it to know for sure. In my case, it all came in stages. I remember mowing my lawn that summer and realizing that that yard, which was all paid for, was not mine anymore. On and on. I don't know where you will go from here. You can keep hoping she will change, or you can accept that she will not. Either path is painful. Which one do you think leads to your happiness? Honestly, I see no path to happiness. I see the unending pain of a shitty life. Hoping she will change is an empty shell, and accepting she will not is just giving up hope. An old 15th century proverb states, "a bird in hand is worth two in the bush." You have one thing. There is risk about giving it up in hope of getting more. I chose to let go and try to improve my life. I will tell you that life in opposite land is not perfect by any means, but I am much happier with the hope I have now.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on May 22, 2019 18:20:31 GMT -5
I am not saying this works for everyone but it has certainly eased my frustration. I am convinced that unmet expectations are what cause our anger, pain and resentment. We feel that they should want to be romantic with us because we agreed symbolically and I guess literally in some sense that we would have intimate relationships with each other through our marriage. Our refusers see it differently and it pisses us off because our expectations (healthy and normal) are not being met. Here is what I have done...I have simply adjusted my expectations regarding my W. I don't expect her to do anything for me...sex, intimacy, doing my laundry, patting my on the back for a job well done....etc. This has given my back some sense of control...it doesn't not take away the physical need for sex...but, psychologically I feel it puts me in a better place. Leaving now is not an option mostly because of my kids...my dad left when I was 9 years old and I swore to myself that I would never do that to my children...so I am stuck for a bit. I have made that decision for myself and I am fully prepared to live with it....I am not trying to be a martyr but just trying to find ways to take the edge off...I don't know if this attitude is for everyone, but it seems to work for me.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 22, 2019 18:35:33 GMT -5
Honestly, I see no path to happiness. I see the unending pain of a shitty life. Hoping she will change is an empty shell, and accepting she will not is just giving up hope. An old 15th century proverb states, "a bird in hand is worth two in the bush." You have one thing. There is risk about giving it up in hope of getting more. I chose to let go and try to improve my life. I will tell you that life in opposite land is not perfect by any means, but I am much happier with the hope I have now. I knew a guy from the UP, Michigan He expanded on the bird proverb to the tune of...."A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, unless within the bush a nude maiden should stand, then a push in the bush is worth 2 in the hand".
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Post by northstarmom on May 22, 2019 18:50:29 GMT -5
firefollower said: "I don't expect her to do anything for me...sex, intimacy, doing my laundry, patting my on the back for a job well done....etc. "
Sounds like you're accepting reality and owning your decision including looking for a way to be reasonably content despite being in a SM. Makes sense to me. You don't sound like a martyr. You sound like a realist.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jun 3, 2019 13:02:45 GMT -5
Not really noteworthy except that she had been away for a week, I missed her, and tried to initiate tonight after she'd been back for a couple of days. And was refused again. This time it was because my body temperature is warm, and it's too hot out. She said o should try in winter. .... This might be the first time I've heard of someone refusing because you are alive.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 3, 2019 19:32:37 GMT -5
nyctos, she is happy where she is at. You are not. It is your choice as to where this goes. It was only about two years ago that I was coming to grips with my reality, and grieving the death of the relationship. In truth, it was already dead but I never wanted to examine it to know for sure. In my case, it all came in stages. I remember mowing my lawn that summer and realizing that that yard, which was all paid for, was not mine anymore. On and on. I don't know where you will go from here. You can keep hoping she will change, or you can accept that she will not. Either path is painful. Which one do you think leads to your happiness? Honestly, I see no path to happiness. I see the unending pain of a shitty life. Hoping she will change is an empty shell, and accepting she will not is just giving up hope. Nyctos, I'm new around here so I'm not too familiar with your particular situation. With that said, you absolutely must not let your happiness depend on her. I was there. It will be slow progress adjusting your mindset to accomplish this, but it will get her attention (in a good way). Early in my SM, I learned a lot from anthol Kay's book. Whether you fully embrace his techniques or not, you will certainly find plenty of good exercises to try out. And the beauty is, regardless if your changes spark her engine, you will come away happier and more confident. Yeah, I'm still unfullfilled sexually, but post self improvement me no longer depends on her for overall happiness. I no longer put her on a pedistal and we have sex more often than before.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Jun 3, 2019 22:39:31 GMT -5
Not really noteworthy except that she had been away for a week, I missed her, and tried to initiate tonight after she'd been back for a couple of days. And was refused again. This time it was because my body temperature is warm, and it's too hot out. She said o should try in winter. .... This is just plain crazy...it just shows that after awhile they can use any excuse no matter how ridiculous. I would probably prefer her saying...no, I am not interested in having sex with you now or at any time...roll over and go to sleep.
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2019 1:01:47 GMT -5
Not really noteworthy except that she had been away for a week, I missed her, and tried to initiate tonight after she'd been back for a couple of days. And was refused again. This time it was because my body temperature is warm, and it's too hot out. She said o should try in winter. .... This is just plain crazy...it just shows that after awhile they can use any excuse no matter how ridiculous. I would probably prefer her saying...no, I am not interested in having sex with you now or at any time...roll over and go to sleep. This bit - "it just shows that after awhile they can use any excuse no matter how ridiculous."
Is right on the money. A good valid excuse that you accept in good faith = no sex for you. A fanciful bullshit excuse that you accept with incredulity and disbelief = no sex for you. A bullshit excuse that you don't accept and start an argument about also results in = no sex for you. So any excuse, bogus or Gods own truth achieves the aim = no sex for you.
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Post by michael on Jun 6, 2019 15:49:56 GMT -5
Not really noteworthy except that she had been away for a week, I missed her, and tried to initiate tonight after she'd been back for a couple of days. And was refused again. This time it was because my body temperature is warm, and it's too hot out. She said o should try in winter. .... Last month my wife told me she’s too cold to take her clothes off. I don’t think winter will work for me.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 7, 2019 17:48:58 GMT -5
Not really noteworthy except that she had been away for a week, I missed her, and tried to initiate tonight after she'd been back for a couple of days. And was refused again. This time it was because my body temperature is warm, and it's too hot out. She said o should try in winter. .... Hey nyctos, the strange excuses are because she doesn't know why she's no longer sexually attracted to you. Don't ask her this though. The key is to raise your sex rank above hers. If your sex rank is below her (betaization will cause this) you will need to raise it above hers. To do this, you'll need to begin injecting alpha into your life. It takes time to get the hang of and might take 6+ months to see results. It can happen quicker though. If you try this approach, and it does help, don't ask her why the renewed sexual interest in you. She won't know why either. If she doesn't respond to these changes in you, other women will (not suggesting you cheat). Continue to tweak and improve your alpha/beta balance. Eventually, you'll leave her if she doesn't come around and there will be women waiting on other side of front door. And trust me, you're happiness will slowly depend less and less on her. I'm not familiar with your relationship history. Was she ever sexually smitten with you?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2019 17:53:04 GMT -5
There are plenty of higher status men I wouldn’t have sex with.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 7, 2019 18:37:09 GMT -5
Is that number equal to lower sex ranked men? I never suggested his wife wants everyone above her sex rank. Trying to give him some other suggestions to try
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Post by loneranger on Jun 22, 2019 19:27:09 GMT -5
Especially if you are contemplating divorce... just imagine how those things could be presented in court?
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