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Post by nyctos on May 21, 2019 4:41:33 GMT -5
Not really noteworthy except that she had been away for a week, I missed her, and tried to initiate tonight after she'd been back for a couple of days.
And was refused again. This time it was because my body temperature is warm, and it's too hot out. She said o should try in winter.
....
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Post by baza on May 21, 2019 6:21:24 GMT -5
Have just been re-reading your back threads from June 2018 and onward Brother nyctos . Has anything in the myriad of suggestions put forward on the comments on your threads been of any value to you at all ?
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Post by sadkat on May 21, 2019 6:59:24 GMT -5
I’m so sorry nyctos, but I have to tell you that I laughed out loud at her excuse. Try in the winter?? Really??
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Post by sadkat on May 21, 2019 6:59:25 GMT -5
I’m so sorry nyctos, but I have to tell you that I laughed out loud at her excuse. Try in the winter?? Really??
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Post by nyctos on May 21, 2019 7:17:21 GMT -5
Have just been re-reading your back threads from June 2018 and onward Brother nyctos . Has anything in the myriad of suggestions put forward on the comments on your threads been of any value to you at all ? Yes, though... I don't know, some of the realities have been really hard to hear and have been incredibly depressing. I know she doesn't want sex with me now, and I have serious doubts over whether she ever did. While I've stopped wondering why quite as much, I can't say it makes no difference. Some reasons would make it a lot easier to accept. Also, after coming here I did manage to have a real discussion about it where she admitted she understood I was upset and that I would have had grounds for divorce a long time ago (but then -- she made no effort at all to change things after that, not even any reset sex? *sigh*).
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Post by jim44444 on May 21, 2019 7:18:05 GMT -5
@nystos, you need to use Google translate on her response. In refuser speak that says "You ain't never fucking me again". She did not even care enough to give you a plausible excuse or reason to hope.
So what should you do? I would suggest quit initiating. Yes it will be tough and you will back slide but if you persevere then you will end up with zero sexual interest in her. At that point she will be happy and will ask for you to do something for her that you will not want to do. At that point just tell her no and to ask again in the winter (or summer or when pigs fly).
If that sounds too passive aggressive then tell her that her response was offensive to you and that your relationship is faltering. Also prepare your exit plan.
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Post by nyctos on May 21, 2019 7:19:56 GMT -5
I’m so sorry nyctos, but I have to tell you that I laughed out loud at her excuse. Try in the winter?? Really?? It's okay -- after she said it I could tell even she realized how ludicrous it was, especially in May.
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Post by nyctos on May 21, 2019 7:33:35 GMT -5
@nystos, you need to use Google translate on her response. In refuser speak that says "You ain't never fucking me again". She did not even care enough to give you a plausible excuse or reason to hope. So what should you do? I would suggest quit initiating. Yes it will be tough and you will back slide but if you persevere then you will end up with zero sexual interest in her. At that point she will be happy and will ask for you to do something for her that you will not want to do. At that point just tell her no and to ask again in the winter (or summer or when pigs fly). If that sounds too passive aggressive then tell her that her response was offensive to you and that your relationship is faltering. Also prepare your exit plan. Actually I quit any real initiation back in July of 2015, the last time we had sex-- so yeah, this was a backside for me. I guess because she'd been away she hadn't been constantly crushing my self-esteem, and I still do have feelings for her when she's not making me feel like shit. An exit would be at least six or seven years away I think, for our youngest to be in college.
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Post by nyctos on May 21, 2019 7:55:18 GMT -5
Oh.
A dark thought has come to me lately. It actually came to me a while ago, but I didn't want to post it here out of fear of judgment.
What I really want is for her to actually *want* to have sex, but I could just force the issue. She'd acqiesce eventually and I don't think it would be traumatizing for her. We've done that sort of play in the past, so it's not a turn-off per se.
Anyway, though, as I said...it's a dark thought and I'm not planning to do that. It smacks a bit too much of marital rape (actually, most would probably consider it exactly that)..
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Post by northstarmom on May 21, 2019 8:03:23 GMT -5
Nyctos: “What I really want is for her to actually *want* to have sex, but I could just force the issue. She'd acqiesce eventually and I don't think it would be traumatizing for her. We've done that sort of play in the past, so it's not a turn-off per se. ”
Is there any chance that what she wants from you is a more aggressive type of sex? Is there a way of getting her to verbalize whether that would be a turn in for her? Playing rape games can be fun if it’s really a game that both have agreed to.
Her latest excuse is so ridiculous that I’m wondering whether she wants you to just take her instead of passively accepting her rejection. You could follow up by saying that you have no plans to wait to have sex til winter. Instead, you plan to just take her because she's so sexy you can’t restrain yourself.
If her response is that she’d call police that would be her signaling that playing rape not ok. If she says something like, “well, you’ll just have to do that, “ that would sound like compliance especially if what happens ends up being like the hot starfish sex I described in a different thread.
That you have previously played such games is a major reason why I’m speculating. Also many romance novels feature such scenes and such romance novels are many women’s porn.
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Post by ironhamster on May 21, 2019 10:13:21 GMT -5
nyctos, she is happy where she is at. You are not. It is your choice as to where this goes. It was only about two years ago that I was coming to grips with my reality, and grieving the death of the relationship. In truth, it was already dead but I never wanted to examine it to know for sure. In my case, it all came in stages. I remember mowing my lawn that summer and realizing that that yard, which was all paid for, was not mine anymore. On and on. I don't know where you will go from here. You can keep hoping she will change, or you can accept that she will not. Either path is painful. Which one do you think leads to your happiness?
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Post by nyctos on May 21, 2019 12:04:16 GMT -5
Nyctos: “What I really want is for her to actually *want* to have sex, but I could just force the issue. She'd acqiesce eventually and I don't think it would be traumatizing for her. We've done that sort of play in the past, so it's not a turn-off per se. ” Is there any chance that what she wants from you is a more aggressive type of sex? Is there a way of getting her to verbalize whether that would be a turn in for her? Playing rape games can be fun if it’s really a game that both have agreed to. Her latest excuse is so ridiculous that I’m wondering whether she wants you to just take her instead of passively accepting her rejection. You could follow up by saying that you have no plans to wait to have sex til winter. Instead, you plan to just take her because she's so sexy you can’t restrain yourself. If her response is that she’d call police that would be her signaling that playing rape not ok. If she says something like, “well, you’ll just have to do that, “ that would sound like compliance especially if what happens ends up being like the hot starfish sex I described in a different thread. That you have previously played such games is a major reason why I’m speculating. Also many romance novels feature such scenes and such romance novels are many women’s porn. It's possible, yes. The time it seemed to turn her in the most is when I'd tied her so she really couldn't escape. Getting her to verbalize it will be a bit trickier.
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Post by jim44444 on May 21, 2019 12:26:58 GMT -5
... Getting her to verbalize it will be a bit trickier. nyctos, before you engage in any bondage, rape play, BDSM or other kink you must get explicit consent from your partner. There must be no ambiguity about limits or intent. Anything less can put you in legal distress.
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Post by h on May 21, 2019 12:52:23 GMT -5
... Getting her to verbalize it will be a bit trickier. nyctos , before you engage in any bondage, rape play, BDSM or other kink you must get explicit consent from your partner. There must be no ambiguity about limits or intent. Anything less can put you in legal distress. And even then, verbal consent is only as good as the paper it's written on...
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Post by ironhamster on May 21, 2019 13:28:16 GMT -5
... Getting her to verbalize it will be a bit trickier. nyctos, before you engage in any bondage, rape play, BDSM or other kink you must get explicit consent from your partner. There must be no ambiguity about limits or intent. Anything less can put you in legal distress. I must concur. I am very serious about this. The legal ramifications of engaging in BDSM activity, even with consent, can land a top in all sorts of legal trouble. Without it, even moreso. Imagine what would happen to me if I am topping for a woman who is tied up and let's say the candle wax I had express consent to use is too hot for her and she has a panic attack just as apartment security is doing their rounds. Before I get her untied and settled down there is a heavy knock on the door and on the other side there are two police officers. I could go on about how a worst case scenario from a consentual exchange might develop, but at least I have some hope that she would not say the wrong thing and land me in jail for the night with five thousand dollars of legal fees in my future. Without permission, I hesitate to think how my future would change.
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