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Post by shamwow on May 24, 2019 6:51:54 GMT -5
First-hand knowledge here of a woman who won’t give consent for her son (17) to get a driver’s permit, because it’s something her ex wants. People can be jerks. (So can cats, but at least they make for funny videos.) sadkat, hopefully he proves the trend wrong. I’d think that a court order wouldn’t come until a judge’s orders at the end of a contested divorce. Just maybe he’ll come around if you start talking to the lawyer again. One idea that’s “iffy” and premature, but sometimes buyers will agree to a lease-back if they don’t need to move immediately. So, you can close the sale and settle the finances - then, H renting the house from the new owners is between him and them; you’re gone. I still have hope he will come around. I can’t imagine he will want to spend the money to go through the court system to keep me in the marriage longer. I’d be willing to wait a couple of months to avoid spending the money myself but I don’t have faith that he will take action then, either. It does keep him in the house longer, right? Keeps two people paying bills longer? Keeps him from having to deal with his own shit longer, right? Keeps him from having to announce to friends and family that his wife is leaving him (with the accompanying shameful reason), right? Keeps him from having to pay support, right? Had someone to help with chores, right? Doesn't have to be alone, right? Lots of reasons to hang on. The real question is why, in the face of this, YOU are hanging on. And we all know the futility of why chasing by now. Pull the band aid off, friend. Oh just for reference? ballofconfusion ex held on with both hands and he is gay.
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Post by sadkat on May 24, 2019 8:47:21 GMT -5
@ Northstarmom- thank you- that is good advice. I have been in contact with several realtors already but did not consider having them come over for an assessment. I do know that staging a house is a must- I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning out and organizing. Some feedback regarding what else may need to be done would be helpful. Yes, I am very well aware that the prime buying season is now- I’ve repeatedly told my husband this and is a huge source of my anxiety right now.
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Post by sadkat on May 24, 2019 8:52:47 GMT -5
I still have hope he will come around. I can’t imagine he will want to spend the money to go through the court system to keep me in the marriage longer. I’d be willing to wait a couple of months to avoid spending the money myself but I don’t have faith that he will take action then, either. It does keep him in the house longer, right? Keeps two people paying bills longer? Keeps him from having to deal with his own shit longer, right? Keeps him from having to announce to friends and family that his wife is leaving him (with the accompanying shameful reason), right? Keeps him from having to pay support, right? Had someone to help with chores, right? Doesn't have to be alone, right? Lots of reasons to hang on. The real question is why, in the face of this, YOU are hanging on. And we all know the futility of why chasing by now. Pull the band aid off, friend. Oh just for reference? ballofconfusion ex held on with both hands and he is gay. Hey! I thought I had already pulled the bandaid off?!? I’m trying my best to get h to cooperate on putting the house on the market. I just don’t want to pay a lawyer a retainer and drag the process out further than I have to. Is that what you meant about pulling the bandaid off? Incidentally, this is the ONLY thing that needs to be done before I can move on. Financially, we make about the same amount of money and we have separate bank accounts (we have since the start of our marriage). There will be no need to fight over money in this separation!
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Post by shamwow on May 24, 2019 9:21:07 GMT -5
It does keep him in the house longer, right? Keeps two people paying bills longer? Keeps him from having to deal with his own shit longer, right? Keeps him from having to announce to friends and family that his wife is leaving him (with the accompanying shameful reason), right? Keeps him from having to pay support, right? Had someone to help with chores, right? Doesn't have to be alone, right? Lots of reasons to hang on. The real question is why, in the face of this, YOU are hanging on. And we all know the futility of why chasing by now. Pull the band aid off, friend. Oh just for reference? ballofconfusion ex held on with both hands and he is gay. Hey! I thought I had already pulled the bandaid off?!? I’m trying my best to get h to cooperate on putting the house on the market. I just don’t want to pay a lawyer a retainer and drag the process out further than I have to. Is that what you meant about pulling the bandaid off? Incidentally, this is the ONLY thing that needs to be done before I can move on. Financially, we make about the same amount of money and we have separate bank accounts (we have since the start of our marriage). There will be no need to fight over money in this separation! The attorney is, indeed, the band aid I was referring to. When he gets difficult like this having an advocate who knows how it works can help the process along. The attorney is your advocate. You direct him/her how much pressure to apply. It might be a light touch is enough to get things moving. He might not move even when nudged. The attorney does this for a living and can advise you what will work. He does this every day. No need to chase whys anymore. They don't matter. Of course two years OUT of my marriage I still wonder "why" sometimes. But I don't chase it anymore since I'll likely never get the answers I'm looking for.
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Post by northstarmom on May 24, 2019 10:40:27 GMT -5
On staging: realtors said it’s essential to have the house interior all painted a light neutral color such as an off white because all rooms will look bigger on video.
They also suggested getting rid of everything on counters (even your coffee maker) and emptying closets as much as possible. We put most of our clothes in suitcases. We live in the deep south of the US so mold is a problem outside. We had our house, roof, and driveway pressure washed.
Where we live, it’s necessary to do sellers’ disclosures listing all repairs, when repairs were made, and the companies responsible. Start collecting that info now.
And fix anything that you know needs fixing. Things you think are minor may turn off a seller. Expect that something big will break before the sale. That has happened each time I sold and it also happened to my partner (3 trees fell on his carport during s hurricane!).
Talk to satisfied former clients of prospective realtors. A big red flag is if a prospective realtor had done no homework before meeting with you. They should come with info about comparables to your house and they should tell you specifics about how they will market your house. They also should measure your rooms not rely on your word. If they have suggestions of work that should be done on your house, they should be able to recommend people who can do it.
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2019 11:47:18 GMT -5
I have just been through selling our home in an area that is a buyer's market. You have to do ALL of these things in a market like that. If you're lucky enough to live in a hot seller's market, you can do almost nothing. If you're a do-it-yourselfer, I'm a fan of using a do-it-yourself multiple listing service. You get in the MLS for $150 and say that you'll pay buyer's commission and realtors seem fine with that and will bring buyers. It saved me seller's commission of about $10K.
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Post by sadkat on May 24, 2019 12:04:39 GMT -5
I have just been through selling our home in an area that is a buyer's market. You have to do ALL of these things in a market like that. If you're lucky enough to live in a hot seller's market, you can do almost nothing. If you're a do-it-yourselfer, I'm a fan of using a do-it-yourself multiple listing service. You get in the MLS for $150 and say that you'll pay buyer's commission and realtors seem fine with that and will bring buyers. It saved me seller's commission of about $10K. The housing market in my area probably leans more toward seller than buyer (if the real estate agents who are offering to sell my home are to be believed). Average list time is a month. One of the key reasons why h is dragging his feet is that he feels our house will sell quickly. I’m not quite so sure. I’m definitely not a “do it myself” kind of person- especially when it comes to selling something. I’m perfectly ok with paying a seller commission to a realtor. Originally, h was totally against paying a seller commission but seems to be open to the possibility now ( much to my surprise). Neither one of us has time to show the house to prospective buyers. Add to the complexity the fact that I work from home. It’s best all around if we get a realtor.
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Post by flashjohn on May 24, 2019 12:49:13 GMT -5
I know it is hard to think of someone you once believed loved you would act like this, but it is true. If a spouse will refuse you the most basic part of marriage, it is obvious that he/she will refuse to cooperate in the divorce. First-hand knowledge here of a woman who won’t give consent for her son (17) to get a driver’s permit, because it’s something her ex wants. People can be jerks. (So can cats, but at least they make for funny videos.) This prompted a memory for me. My ExRefuser would not agree to spend the money for either of my daughters' drivers ed classes, so I found some approved curriculum and taught them myself. I logged their practice hours until they were eligible to take the driving tests. Even though she was a teacher and got off work at 3 pm, she refused to make an appointment at the DPS so they could take the driving test. I had to make the appointments, take off work, and take them to the DPS office myself.
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 31, 2019 22:44:02 GMT -5
My ex 2 years later is still saying that I would come back if I wasnt so stubborn. Not stubborn just DONE!
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Post by sadkat on Jun 1, 2019 19:03:53 GMT -5
Update! The house is on the market! Now, we’ll see how long it takes to sell. I think h has accepted the inevitable. He took the initiative to get the realtor lined up and is being cooperative and helpful in keeping the house straight for showings. He’s actually been pretty easy to live with lately and we are getting along much better. There is now hope for a solid friendship when this is all said and done.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 3, 2019 23:24:18 GMT -5
I’m due for a update so here goes...
The house sold and we closed on September 27. The house was the last financial item that bound us. We split the profit from the sale evenly.
I hit the road on September 28 toward my new zip code and my new life. Now I start the process of rebuilding.
There’s still much left to do on the dissolution of our marriage. H has agreed to file a separation without lawyer involvement. That’s my next step. I didn’t have it in me emotionally or mentally to do it before I left. There was no conflict throughout the entire process of selling the house, separating assets, packing up possessions, and leaving. I believe the separation will go through with little fanfare and I’m not in too much of a hurry to get it done. The only concern would be protection of my financial future should he do something stupid. I highly doubt he will but it’s better to be safe than sorry, as they say.
I’ll admit to being very conflicted and very sad when the day finally came to say goodbye to the home where I raised my son, to the city where I lived the majority of my adult life, and most especially to the man I married 26 years ago. This was not easy and I could never have done it without the help of those of you on this forum. To those who have been with me every step of the way (you know who you are), I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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Post by isthisit on Oct 4, 2019 1:19:58 GMT -5
I’m due for a update so here goes... The house sold and we closed on September 27. The house was the last financial item that bound us. We split the profit from the sale evenly. I hit the road on September 28 toward my new zip code and my new life. Now I start the process of rebuilding. There’s still much left to do on the dissolution of our marriage. H has agreed to file a separation without lawyer involvement. That’s my next step. I didn’t have it in me emotionally or mentally to do it before I left. There was no conflict throughout the entire process of selling the house, separating assets, packing up possessions, and leaving. I believe the separation will go through with little fanfare and I’m not in too much of a hurry to get it done. The only concern would be protection of my financial future should he do something stupid. I highly doubt he will but it’s better to be safe than sorry, as they say. I’ll admit to being very conflicted and very sad when the day finally came to say goodbye to the home where I raised my son, to the city where I lived the majority of my adult life, and most especially to the man I married 26 years ago. This was not easy and I could never have done it without the help of those of you on this forum. To those who have been with me every step of the way (you know who you are), I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Congratulations sadkat on your strength and resolution to make a new life for yourself. You deserve every success and I am in awe of you. Now go and find a Mr Wonderful and start backfilling the previous couple of barren decades 😃.
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Post by baza on Oct 4, 2019 2:10:48 GMT -5
It is interesting to look at the members original post I reckon. Yours, Sister sadkat , was on August 2 2018 and the difference between that post and your current is pretty startling. Good on you Sister. I'm betting that your August - October 2020 situation is going to be even better.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 4, 2019 8:00:11 GMT -5
sadkat I was just going to email you. Congratulations you are out! I know it is all so hard that's what makes it such an accomplishment . I didn't rush to divorce either not because I was wavering but just having a separate address was so much better the paperwork was the small easy part. I have to say I didn't cry when I got the final papers.. I hope things just continue to get better to the point you can't hardly wipe the smile off your face,! Welcome to post ILlASM!
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Post by workingonit on Oct 4, 2019 8:31:50 GMT -5
Yay sadkat ! I think it is normal and probably good for you to feel sad with this change. Mourning should be part of a healthy reponse to the end of a relationship and the start of a whole new reality. You are a brave, strong, loving woman and I am excited to read all about what will unfold in the next year!!
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