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Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2019 11:07:58 GMT -5
firefollower: "However, many men are very hesitant to seek treatment for sexual problems because admitting this makes them feel less than manly. "
I suspect that most men would rather seek help than to be permanently "less than manly." With the plethora of commercials addressing ED treatments, and the variety of well known men who have endorsed ED products, my belief is that a man who would prefer to have ED or no libido to seeking help probably never enjoyed sex that much. And if he does nothing (including doing nothing to provide any type of sexual fulfillment to his partner) despite his romantic partner's complaints, then he doesn't have much love or concern for his partner.
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 7, 2019 9:46:32 GMT -5
New member, just wanted to say I'm glad someone created a forum about this issue. The only people who seem to understand are others in the same situation. So, I'm relatively stuck in a sexless marriage. Met my husband online, married in 2015. I'm from Canada and he's from the US. Moved down to the US to be with him, now we've got 2 children aged 2 1/2 and 8 months. I'm a SAHM and financially dependent on him. Early on the sexual chemistry wasn't great -- I was always initiating, but due to the border issue we were only seeing each other once a week, so I didn't get a good picture of how things would be once we were married. I asked about sexual compatibility before we married, and he led me to believe we'd have a regular active sex life. He lied. Eventually I just got tired of initiating. I felt undesired. So I stopped, and then no sex. My husband says his libido has just really decreased the past several years and that he used to have an active sexual life with previous girlfriends. He's in his late 40s, I'm in my mid-30s. First marriage for both of us. Of course I've initiated the talk several times, often in tears, wanting him to at least see a doctor to check if there may be a hormonal imbalance. Finally he did, and the blood draw revealed his testosterone was low. This I had long suspected because he has a cluster of symptoms -- no sex drive, fatigue, irritability. As of yet he won't do anything about it. The doctor recommended some hormone therapy to rebalance hormone levels. My husband doesn't refuse me -- if I initiate he will make an effort, but it's passionless and he's just going through the motions. I'm not interested in that. I want to be desired, I want him to be excited to be with me. So as to being stuck. I am quite literally stuck. I'm in the US now, no family or friends nearby, with 2 young kids and I don't know how to drive in a car dependent area. (I'm from a large city and never learned). So I couldn't move out right now even if I wanted. What's keeping me in the marriage right now is that I don't want to be a single mother and full-time bread winner as well. I'd rather be celibate than have that kind of stress. My emotions are up and down. I'll be coping fine for a while, and then something will trigger upset about the sexless marriage and I'll get into a depressed funk for a few days. Of course like many of you here, I've rehashed in my mind over and over what I can/could/should do. I've gone over many different scenarios in my mind. Right now what feels best to me is staying for 15 years until my oldest is 18 and my youngest is 16. I'll be about 49 or 50 years old then. The idea of being a struggling single mother scares me, nor do I want to stay forever in this marriage if nothing changes. But the middle road could be doable. I also wouldn't inflict a divorce on my children mid childhood. Of course my husband might decide to have his hormone levels treated someday, increasing his libido, and improving the situation. That would change things sexually, but I know he doesn't really care for me so a lot of my feelings are gone now. Someone who can see their spouse in pain and do nothing doesn't love their spouse. Other things: when I was heavily pregnant with my second, I caught him watching porn once. He said my belly made me too big to have sex with, and that he really hadn't been watching it much. I also strongly suspect he's not attracted to me, and maybe never was. I think Low T is maybe 80 to 90% of the problem, and porn/no attraction is the other 10 to 20%. I once asked my husband if I could have my needs discreetly met elsewhere, and he said no. Yay celibacy... What gets me through now is biding my time until I can leave, planning what I'll get up to once I'm on my own again. I do know I don't want to marry again. At any rate that's my situation. Thank you for listening and I look forward to interacting with you all. Ps. It's funny how when you mention the situation to other people, everyone has a different reaction. Some people feel sorry for you, some judge you for getting into the marriage in the first place, some tell you to stay, some tell you to leave. It's like there's 100 different opinions on the subject of SM. Hi, I'm wondering how you are doing now? I'm glad I've found this forum now too but I'm a lot older than you. I wish I had understood, been better informed or found forums like this when my children were the same age as yours. I understand your rationale for staying in your marriage until you're 50 but I can't advise you to do that based on the details you've given here. I'm 49 this year and still in my 'deal' as it's called by some here. I'm wondering, what type of person is your husband? Is he kind to you, mostly? Does he treat you with respect around your children? Is he of a generous, caring, giving disposition especially toward your little ones? Does he show them love consistently? Have you talked about the kind of life you both wish for them? Can you see yourself and your husband maintaining the pretense that your family life is a 'good' one for the next 15yrs? Have you both agreed on a plan for how your unhappiness will be hidden from them for all those years? The reason I ask all this is because spending nearly 30yrs in a sexless relationship has made me reassess, well, pretty much every single thing that most of us were raised to believe. I'll focus on the children for now though. No matter how hard some of us work to protect our kids from the effects of a sexless/loveless marriage they are human beings with all the powers of intuition as ourselves. They will FEEL that things are not right and imo when their sense of something not being quite right seems to have no culturally/socially validated visible evidence to support it, this will lead to them not trusting their own judgment later in life. Reading threads in the forums here has brought it home to me that a large number of people, including myself, have been guilty of this during our SM. I did not trust my own intuition about what was not 'quite right' with my relationship; there was always an excuse/reason/explanation but never the hard truth, until very recently. Do not do this to your own children. I am also only now realizing just what a disservice I've done my 17yr old by being too good at acting for all these years. I intend to address that now. Separation/Divorce is not always the worst outcome for children, especially ones as small as yours are right now. Loving your kids through challenging times and keeping them close to you on a shared journey toward a joy filled life will serve them far better in the long run. If there is some way you can work with your husband on keeping your children as the top priority despite splitting up, please at least consider that as an option. I understand there are many practicalities and logistical issues involved. I understand being a single mother is hard. Do you have friends or family back in Canada? Can you go back on a visit and line up an appointment to receive legal advice while there? Think of it as arming yourself with as much information as possible; it doesn't have to mean anything more than that. Find out about your rights as a Canadian citizen with children born in the usa. In the meantime, learning to drive is definitely a step in the right direction. Have you made any friends nearby where you live? I hope you've been finding the support network that fits you best. Feel free to PM if you want to talk. |
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 9, 2019 13:59:54 GMT -5
Hi itme the short answer is that EVERYthing about my relationship with their father has impacted, in one way or another how I have parented my children. My children have also had a large role in teaching me that so much of my own upbringing was mired in nonsensical 'rules'. I think the long answer would well and truly hijack this thread :-) but I'm sure I could talk for hours on this subject so maybe we should start a new thread or chat privately? |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 9, 2019 18:40:52 GMT -5
timedelay a lot of people would benefit from your wisdom. You should start a thread and add to it as you can.
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timedelay
Full Member
Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 12, 2019 7:06:36 GMT -5
timedelay a lot of people would benefit from your wisdom. You should start a thread and add to it as you can. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to call it 'wisdom' but it's nice to get a compliment. I think maybe I'm not so good when facing a blank page; the words come more easily when responding to another person. I'm sure I will start a thread some day ;-) |
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Post by h on Jul 15, 2019 8:39:59 GMT -5
timedelay a lot of people would benefit from your wisdom. You should start a thread and add to it as you can. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to call it 'wisdom' but it's nice to get a compliment. I think maybe I'm not so good when facing a blank page; the words come more easily when responding to another person. I'm sure I will start a thread some day ;-) Instead of wisdom, just call it experience. No deep insights there, just facts about what you have been through that someone may relate to. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 15, 2019 15:51:55 GMT -5
paddlingalone Sorry you ended up here. I was going to say if you are determined to stay you could outsource but not driving would make that hard. Plus you risk an outcome you don't want to deal with. It took me 15 years to get out. I will say I regret not doing it sooner. I'm so happy but would have been nice to be younger and in better shape! Also just food for thought I left when I was 52 after I had already told him and started the ball rolling I had a stroke. I'm fine but it was an eye opener it could have went differently and I would have lost my chance to move on and be happy. But for now my suggestion. Make an exit plan. Start squirreling away money. Learn to drive. Do some online classes and join some mommy and me groups so you have other moms to go out and do things with don't let this define your life. If you are determined to stay for now by some toys and satisfy yourself. And do things that make you happy. Dress up and go out with friends Its easy to let youself go and sink into depression.
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Post by paddlingalone on Jul 22, 2019 18:00:17 GMT -5
Thanks for the recent replies.
In my recent talk with my husband he agreed to see a specialist (this is, at least on the surface, a low T issue), but now we've hit a very annoying delay. In March we moved from one state to another, and I didn't know there was a 60 day "open enrollment period" to sign up for new medical covg. I was compiling documents and getting forms signed but things went too slowly and long story short, my husband now can't see a doctor until January. No coverage available for preventative or pre-existing conditions (emergency only). Very frustrating, but I've waited this long, I can wait some more.
I think if he refuses treatment, decides he doesn't want to see a doctor or whatever, I'm going to be talking to a lawyer about my next steps towards leaving. I previously wanted to wait it out but I think I'm too angry/depressed. I feel exactly like a prisoner.
I don't think anything will change before January, so I'll update you all sometime in the new year. Hoping for a good prognosis for his libido from T therapy. Thanks all.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 22, 2019 18:09:08 GMT -5
What are your requirements of him since your have to wait 6 months? DRs appointment for January 2nd? written treatment plan?
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 22, 2019 18:15:18 GMT -5
paddlingalone, how much would it cost to pay out of pocket for a private consultation? If you can afford it, surely it’s worth it.
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Post by baza on Jul 22, 2019 18:51:57 GMT -5
There's certain things you can control in this situation, and there's certain things you can't control. You could, right now, see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would likely shake out for you. You could start putting together an exit strategy within those legal parameters, and have until January to knock that into shape. You could, if you chose, get a jump start of 6 months on your preparations Sister paddlingalone . Now, whether you acted on your prepared state in January is of course another matter, but you "could" be at least somewhat prepared by then.... this is a matter where you can be in control - if you choose to be. What your spouse does or does not do is not under your control at all. |
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Post by paddlingalone on Sept 17, 2019 11:17:19 GMT -5
There's been a small development of sorts. Long story short, knowing his habits, I put two and two together and realized he'd been taking care of his own needs at night once I had gone to bed. I don't know whether porn was involved (it's been blocked, so I don't know how he got into it if he did) but I know him well enough to know this and confronted him about it.
He didn't deny it. He was just quiet. He looked found out and embarrassed. (Of course I wouldn't care about this unless he's replacing me).
I told him he has zero interest in fixing our problem, and zero empathy for me suffering in a sexless marriage. I told him I took off my rings as apparently he views me as a roommate, housekeeper, and nanny, and doesn't seem to need or want me for more than that.
And I also stopped kissing him goodnight.
Now after all this, this is what astonishes me: he's acting like nothing happened, and everything is business as usual. He hasn't brought up our discussion, hasn't expressed any concern over my lack of ring wearing, nothing. I don't understand this at all. I would define what's happening to us now as a crisis, and I would be scrambling to do anything I could to make things right.
This also further confuses me, because I don't know if the problem is truly low testosterone, or that he prefers masturbation, or that he's just not attracted to me. Maybe a combination of all of the above.
I know you're all probably wondering why I'm in this situation. The problem is I don't want to be a single mother with young children in a foreign country with no support of any kind. I am hundreds of miles away from any family. I do not want to go back to my family and take my children away from their father, and vice versa.
I am working on studying for my written driving test, but it's slow going. I don't want to leave until I am confident behind the wheel, given that I will be driving with young children, and I am very nervous about driving.
5 days later and I am still not wearing my rings, and husband is inviting me to watch TV shows with him in the evening like nothing happened.
I suspect his T is low, but not reducing his libido to zero. For whatever remaining drive he has, I think he prefers to take care of by himself. Not sure if T therapy is worth pursuing in the new year, as it's apparent there are problems in this relationship far greater than the lack of sex.
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Post by sadkat on Sept 17, 2019 12:25:43 GMT -5
paddlingalone- this is classic “head in the sand” behavior. He is ignoring the issue in hopes it will go away and you will resume your current role in his life. My h did this every time I confronted him with his porn use. Every time I ended up staying, it reinforced his perception that he could continue to ignore the issue and I would let it go. Until, one day, I didn’t. By then, it was far too late. I understand your reasons for staying and I’m going to be the last one to tell you what you should and should not do. In my opinion, if he’s masturbating, he doesn’t have low T. He’s just not into you- I’m sorry to be so harsh but you are doing yourself no favors by making excuses for him. He will continue to do exactly what he’s doing until you leave.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 17, 2019 12:47:50 GMT -5
paddlingalone. My ex always pretended nothing was wrong after the blow outs. I also took my ring off and various things. What it came down to is he didn't think I would leave and that was all he cared about. He had a maid, accountant and cook. He wasn't alone. He ran up debt to make sure I couldn't leave. He tells me all the time he would have tried to fix it but he thought he had time. Your H knows you can't or won't leave. He will start worrying (maybe) when you get close to being able to be independent there. Not because he cares but I'm guessing he doesn't want to be alone or lose his kids or lose his maid. Or maybe it's about keeping up the front for him.
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Post by paddlingalone on Sept 18, 2019 15:27:22 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies ladies.
He did initiate last night, which was nice, but I also realize it's part of a larger pattern/cycle. Dry spell -> venting -> sex -> dry spell. On and on. I told him I didn't want it if he was just initiating because I was mad, and he denied that, but I know it's not just a coincidence.
While lack of attraction certainly could be the issue, I'm not convinced it's the problem in most cases that involve porn. Men fall into porn use not because they are not attracted to their wives, but because it offers something nobody can compete with -- namely, unrealistic bodies and effortless gratification. It's easier, and involves no work. In some individuals' minds, looking at images is akin to the real thing -- while for others it can never replace a real body. It's a certain type of individual, I think.
Again though I don't know if that's what my husband is doing. It could be an attraction issue, and if that is the case, he's done us all a great disservice by marrying someone he's not attracted to. I left my family, country and job for this...
At any rate, I'm still working on exit plans should they need to be executed. When I reach the point that I just want to go - NOW - I want to be able to go without the worry that I can't live independently here.
I don't feel as worried now, nor as powerless. Despite these unusual obstacles, I think I will be able to get out when/if it becomes apparent there is no solution.
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