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Post by ironhamster on May 14, 2019 13:12:27 GMT -5
Back to you: You have to figure out whether the companionship and concern and other benefits you get from being with your wife outweigh the stress, depression, low self esteem, etc. of being with her. For me, when I decided to divorce, it was like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I radiated so much joy that acquaintances asked me what was going on in my life that was causing me to be so happy! I have never regretted my divorce. Not one time. The only time I missed my ex was one time when I wished he were around to change a ceiling light bulb. Then, I remembered the stepladder and forgot all about my ex. Thank you. Other than finances I can think of no benefits from being with my wife. I’m happier when she’s not around, much happier. I have feelings of sadness when I come home and she’s there. I make excuses not to be home. That should be enough. I have no doubt that I won’t regret my divorce in the long run, and mostly not even in the short term. I just need to keep telling myself that and move forward. Finances are a judgement call. There is a right answer to this but it is specific to you. One of my best friends will retire soon, and spend the rest of his life wanking to porn in the spare bedroom while his wife blisfully sleeps in the master suite oblivious to his frustration. This is what is right to him. In my case, I can scarcely afford the apartment I now live in which some people might refer to as "pretty ghetto." Life is far from perfect but am happier than I have ever been. This was the right choice for me.
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on May 14, 2019 15:10:10 GMT -5
I was going to write a big post about being 8 months out, but this is a better place to put it. Simply put
Its WAY better out.
Regards the decision process that got me here
10 years before split the penny dropped Several years of why chasing Several years of angst Waiting for kids to graduate Planning, lawyer etc Fear Several WTF moments Therapy Left
Really, it's not as bad as it is to actually leave as it is in your head.
You are standing on the edge, but jumping is not that bad
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Post by worksforme2 on May 14, 2019 19:29:30 GMT -5
I never had what you call a "moment of clarity" if you are seeing it as some sort of epiphany. And it sure wasn't a "statement of hope". For me what it was was a recognition that I had reached "deal breaker status" and I was done with the why chasing, done with the quarterly resets, done with the pretense and fakery of being "happily married". I was out of gas and could go no further. One thing your post made me remember was my parking at the entrance of the driveway and just sitting in my truck because I didn't want to go in. Several times different neighbors stopped and asked if I was all right. Hard to answer that on a daily basis. They had to wonder if I was going off kilter. It was then that I saw the attorneys and began cobbling together my exit plan. Needless to say the actual sit down and vocalization of the "D" work wasn't how I had it pictured. Neither was the actual process of retaining the attorney, working out separation agreement, helping her find another place to live, living together while the loan and closure process inched along. Of coarse I had 2nd thoughts, doubts and self crimination for my part in the marriage not working. But now, after 3 and 1/2 yrs. out I know it was the right choice for me. After 6-8 months I felt secure in the decision. The right choice and how you go about implementing it will likely look far different. And to answer your last question, will that moment of clarity ever occur? To a greater or lesser degree, yes. It's just hard to say when.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 14, 2019 20:41:12 GMT -5
Thank you. Other than finances I can think of no benefits from being with my wife. I’m happier when she’s not around, much happier. I have feelings of sadness when I come home and she’s there. I make excuses not to be home. That should be enough. I have no doubt that I won’t regret my divorce in the long run, and mostly not even in the short term. I just need to keep telling myself that and move forward. Finances are a judgement call. There is a right answer to this but it is specific to you. One of my best friends will retire soon, and spend the rest of his life wanking to porn in the spare bedroom while his wife blisfully sleeps in the master suite oblivious to his frustration. This is what is right to him. In my case, I can scarcely afford the apartment I now live in which some people might refer to as "pretty ghetto." Life is far from perfect but am happier than I have ever been. This was the right choice for me. I had some thoughts about not wanting to be home anymore when my spouse was present, and then I thought about finances. Near the end of things their came a time when my W (Now ex) was going to be gone on a work trip for a week. She seemed all 'concerned' about how things were going to be handled while she was gone? It actually was more about her fear of losing any control. I told her " go right ahead, we will do just fine without you. I will continue to take the kids everywhere, buy all the groceries, do all the maintenance, look after your dad, etc... you just take your computer with you and pay the bills, we will be just fine." My kids agreed with me. My ex's detachment blead over into the whole family. So I wasn't the only one who realized she had become ' a paycheck'. Half of my kids still cling to their mother, sadly the reality is that most of it revolves around 'money'---- for now. That too will change as they get older, get more independant, and meet other people who share more of their own life journeys with them. They will continue to learn, what things in life are worth holding on too and what to let go of.
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Post by iceman on May 15, 2019 9:29:46 GMT -5
I never had what you call a "moment of clarity" if you are seeing it as some sort of epiphany. And it sure wasn't a "statement of hope". For me what it was was a recognition that I had reached "deal breaker status" and I was done with the why chasing, done with the quarterly resets, done with the pretense and fakery of being "happily married". I was out of gas and could go no further. One thing your post made me remember was my parking at the entrance of the driveway and just sitting in my truck because I didn't want to go in. Several times different neighbors stopped and asked if I was all right. Hard to answer that on a daily basis. They had to wonder if I was going off kilter. It was then that I saw the attorneys and began cobbling together my exit plan. Needless to say the actual sit down and vocalization of the "D" work wasn't how I had it pictured. Neither was the actual process of retaining the attorney, working out separation agreement, helping her find another place to live, living together while the loan and closure process inched along. Of coarse I had 2nd thoughts, doubts and self crimination for my part in the marriage not working. But now, after 3 and 1/2 yrs. out I know it was the right choice for me. After 6-8 months I felt secure in the decision. The right choice and how you go about implementing it will likely look far different. And to answer your last question, will that moment of clarity ever occur? To a greater or lesser degree, yes. It's just hard to say when. I frequently just sit in my car in garage. I pull in and turn off the motor but don’t get out for awhile. Sort of girding my loins for what lies ahead before I head into the house
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Post by flashjohn on May 15, 2019 10:11:02 GMT -5
I’m curious. When you made the decision to actually leave and divorce your spouse was it a ‘big bang’ realization, a moment of clarity when it was absolutely clear what you needed to do or was it a decision where proceeding forward was more a statement of hope that your doing the right thing but with a good deal of doubt that you might be fucking up your life in monumental fashion? I find myself in the latter situation. I have moments when I feel certain of the path I must take but within a few hours or a day doubts start creeping in. I have a plan. I’m waiting for my daughter to graduate from high school next month before pulling the trigger. I dont want the ensuing turmoil to affect her final days of schoolwork nor make her graduation an awkward affair with warring parents overshadowing what should be a very happy time for her. The last time I wrote I was going to see a lawyer to find out just how financially painful a divorce would be for me. It was about what I thought. My state is pretty squishy about such matters but his best guess was that I’ll be on the hook to provide her with about $3500/month until I retire. Painful but doable. I feel like I’m moving forward but I lose momentum. I start thinking about how much easier it would be to stay. How much better off I’ll be financially. How I won’t have to tell the kids. How at least I would have a companion to go thru life with even though our relationship is utterly unsatisfying. There’s no guarantee that I’ll be able to find somebody new. What if my cancer comes back and i m all alone? And then my resolve sets in again and I feel like I’m getting back on the right track. Sort of a two steps forward and one step back scenario. I want to have that moment of clarity but it’s nowhere to be found. Is this normal? My decision was building for years. In my joke of a marriage, my ExRefuser would only fuck 6-8 times a year for the first 22 years, then she cut me off completely. For the last 6, if I would ask about sex, she would tell me that my penis didn't even work anymore. My breaking point came after my youngest daughter had been gone to college for 6 months. She asked why I had been so down and I told her that it was because I had not had sex in 6 years and it looked like I never would again. She told me it was all my fault and to be married to her, I had to be happy and fulfilled in a marriage where we never had sex ever again. I decided that was not acceptable and started making an exit plan. I moved out about 6 weeks later.
I went back and forth many times over the years. Even after I moved out, I vascillated, but I never went back. After about 2 months, the feelings that I was not doing the right thing really started to lessen. After a full year, I realized all the ways I had been mistreated. Now, I realize that she had distorted my perspective to the point that I felt her abuse was normal, but I try not to think about it because it makes me angry.
If you decide that leaving is the right thing, keep on going. As for your kids, there is no good time to divorce because it will affect them. My daughters were 19 & 25 at the time & they were both very upset. However, that was more from the initial shock. Now their perspective is different and they understand. They also get along with my new wife.
When you said you sometimes stay in your car to get yourself ready to go in the house, it really hit home with me. I would stay late at work, or go to the gym, etc, just to stay away from my ExRefuser. So I could never even relax in my own home that I had paid for.
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Post by northstarmom on May 15, 2019 11:29:31 GMT -5
Iceman said: “What if my cancer comes back and i m all alone? “
What if your wife dies before you and you have had to spend years being her caregiver? That’s what happened to my mother after she refused to leave a miserable marriage. By the time my father died, mom was so tired and bitter that every night she prayed to die.
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Post by iceman on May 15, 2019 14:05:36 GMT -5
Iceman said: “What if my cancer comes back and i m all alone? “ What if your wife dies before you and you have had to spend years being her caregiver? That’s what happened to my mother after she refused to leave a miserable marriage. By the time my father died, mom was so tired and bitter that every night she prayed to die. Excellent point!!
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Post by Handy on May 15, 2019 22:05:29 GMT -5
Iceman said: “What if my cancer comes back and im all alone?
Some spouses would put you in a care facility, rather than care for you at home. Don't ask me how I came by that information.
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