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Post by workingonit on May 12, 2019 19:27:18 GMT -5
Quick recap if you have not been following: we are going to divorce but due to family issues and financial issues we are still in the same house. The path forward is not clear and there is no clear timeline. MISTAKE!
My h is spiraling downward. His mental health is really suffering and his physical health. It is unbelievably hard to watch. In addition to it just being really difficult to live with someone in blatant crisis it also challenges my own deep seated co-dependency pattern. I keep feeling like I have to fix this for him, make him feel better. I find myself making sure all of his favorite healthy foods are available, checking in with him about his work and his assignments, giving him lots of attention and caring. This is the oldest, deepest, worse pattern between us- he makes himself helpless and I step in to take care of him. It is both of our worst and most problematic patterns from childhood- me believing I am strong and need to take care of everyone and everything, him believing he is helpless and a victim. This is the real death of our relationship, I believe.
Anyway, he is a hot mess. This weekend he is away and the feeling of relief is tremendous. He has been having physical symptoms as well. And putting on weight like it is his mission. He admitted to me via text and he feels like he is walling himself off from emotional connection and the weight is a physical symbol of that. I actually had this sudden flash that he was suicidal despite that not being something he has said nor does he have any diagnosed mental illness.
He (wisely) said it was killing him to live with me. It hurt so much to hear that as I have always tried to be a source of support for this man. I spent a day feeling like a failure, wallowed in self pity.
Then I pulled on my big girl pants and sat with a friend to brainstorm ways to financially and practically get him out of the house. Obviously my priority is my son and making sure he is safe and stable in as much as it is within my power to do so. We generated an excellent list. I will attempt to broach these with him, hoping he is stable enough to engage the conversation.
And I believe I should work on my codepedency in therapy. At least I am self aware enough to recognize it.
And, dear friends, it is time to have that legal consult I have been putting off.
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Post by sadkat on May 12, 2019 19:45:00 GMT -5
Good for you workingonit! I can relate to how challenging it is to continue to live under the same roof after you’ve decided to divorce. It is very easy to fall back into old patterns- you constantly have to be vigilant. Having good friends to keep you sane is a necessity! Going to therapy is a great idea- you’ll definitely benefit from it. Thanks for the update and please continue to keep us posted. Good Luck!
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Post by workingonit on May 12, 2019 19:45:20 GMT -5
Curious if anyone else had successful strategies for that in between time when you are still living together and still married but both aware it is over. northstarmom ? I know you had that with your ex but you were both pretty checked out, no? Anyone else?
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Post by workingonit on May 12, 2019 19:47:49 GMT -5
Good for you workingonit ! I can relate to how challenging it is to continue to live under the same roof after you’ve decided to divorce. It is very easy to fall back into old patterns- you constantly have to be vigilant. Having good friends to keep you sane is a necessity! Going to therapy is a great idea- you’ll definitely benefit from it. Thanks for the update and please continue to keep us posted. Good Luck! Thanks! Yes, I like that suggestion. My friends and I are all very supportive of each other and I can let them know I am struggling and send a SOS text! That will get me at least some accountability. I think part of what is so hard is that I do love him. Because the romantic part of our relationship has been dead for so very long this does not feel much different. It is hard to change those patterns that have been there all along.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2019 20:09:27 GMT -5
Can I share a little something with you @workingonit? I feel like I too, am going through something similar right now.
My 18 yr old son just came home from two weeks of rehab. He was severely depressed from coming off a bipolar high. So his situation IS mental and to much extent, out of his control. He also gained 30 pounds in 2 weeks. This from my highly athletic, very thin, (bruce Lee like) son -no joking!
In short he is going to need help. I can provide some of it, but nothing like in the past. In the past I put myself dead last. My kids, and my family, always, always came first!
Financial help is a whole nother story, my wealthy ex assisting our son, very little , especially when it comes to money. Yes he is 18, an adult. But this latest new development ( his bipolar) is a real game changer for him ,and his future plans.
The times( and conditions) are changing. I am starting a new career any day this upcoming week, I am right in the middle of repairing and upgrading my rental property,I will be screening new tenants, I am also dating a wonderful woman.
All these things are for me. My life, my joy, my future, my responsibilities. No one else is going to do them for me. That also means I am less and less available to be constantly doing for everyone else, like in the past.
My family is going to have to adapt to these changes.
I believe you and your family, will and can do the same. Adapt to you no longer serving everyone, and putting yourself last.
It wont be easy,but if you don't quit you can't lose. Continue to set an example ( a hard, but needed one) of looking out for YOURSELF while cutting back on being a doormat and forcing others to be more and more responsible for themselves.
Tough love my friend, tough love.
On a side note: I can only imagine the joy and shock you will discover when you are able to give ( share yourself) with a man who is self sufficient, self confident, self supporting, and wants to give things to you, do things with you, simply be seen with you, because you are wonderful, sexy, and special!
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Post by northstarmom on May 12, 2019 21:06:30 GMT -5
Workingonit, WTG! You now have a plan to divorce not just a dream of divorce..
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Post by baza on May 12, 2019 21:10:38 GMT -5
Quoting you here Sister workingonit - "And, dear friends, it is time to have that legal consult I have been putting off" Yeah, in an overall position like yours where there is uncertainty on several fronts, the legal facts will provide some certainty, at least in regard to how a divorce would shake out for you. And the legal facts are what the rest of the picture is built upon. The matters of genuine uncertainty - pertaining to your spouse and kid - are not matters under your control. You can only manage your role in those dynamics. You can't manage your spouse/kids role in the respective dynamics, that's their job. You ARE going well Sister. This is a far from simple situation. Any one of the assorted issues in your life would be a challenge. Bearing in mind you are dealing with three of them running concurrently, you are actually going great.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 12, 2019 22:03:36 GMT -5
Curious if anyone else had successful strategies for that in between time when you are still living together and still married but both aware it is over. northstarmom ? I know you had that with your ex but you were both pretty checked out, no? Anyone else? Honestly? The in between time, was the time of DETACHMENT. Much more for me than for her. She had detached herself, long ago. Just more refusing on her part ,is the way I see it. Getting the legal advice, and knowing what steps to take, and how to take them, all helped me to detach correctly, as the process was manipulated and drawn out more and more by my ex. Not so that we could stay together, instead she was doing everything (including illegal) to keep as much control ( money) as possible. Some of my best strategy was avoidance, and directing any and all attempts of my ex, manipulating things more and more , through online communication ( which recorded everything) straight to my attorney.
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Post by workingonit on May 13, 2019 8:48:19 GMT -5
Workingonit, WTG! You now have a plan to divorce not just a dream of divorce.. Touche 😉
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Post by sadkat on May 13, 2019 8:53:36 GMT -5
workingonit- another suggestion- when you go to therapy, be very specific about the help you need. When I first saw my therapist, I knew I needed to get out of my marriage but didn’t know how. The first words to my therapist were “I need help getting out of my marriage”. A good therapist will help you identify the patterns you and your h have established over time. He/she will help you develop solutions and work-arounds to try. Make sure you do your homework, no matter how daunting it seems. Give yourself time and know you will make mistakes- the important thing will be to learn from those mistakes. Ask your friends to be honest with you and to tell you when they think you are off base about something- it’s kinda like feeling your way in the dark- it’s much easier getting guidance from those you trust. Share your frustrations with friends- no matter how trivial they seem. The last several weeks have been challenging for me as I’ve disconnected more and more. I find myself quick to anger and feel like I’m being less reasonable. These are the kinds of things I speak about with my friends and support system. It’s helped me understand why I reacted the way I did to a situation. Good Luck!
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Post by solodriver on May 13, 2019 20:59:33 GMT -5
Quick recap if you have not been following: we are going to divorce but due to family issues and financial issues we are still in the same house. The path forward is not clear and there is no clear timeline. MISTAKE! My h is spiraling downward. His mental health is really suffering and his physical health. It is unbelievably hard to watch. In addition to it just being really difficult to live with someone in blatant crisis it also challenges my own deep seated co-dependency pattern. I keep feeling like I have to fix this for him, make him feel better. I find myself making sure all of his favorite healthy foods are available, checking in with him about his work and his assignments, giving him lots of attention and caring. This is the oldest, deepest, worse pattern between us- he makes himself helpless and I step in to take care of him. It is both of our worst and most problematic patterns from childhood- me believing I am strong and need to take care of everyone and everything, him believing he is helpless and a victim. This is the real death of our relationship, I believe. Anyway, he is a hot mess. This weekend he is away and the feeling of relief is tremendous. He has been having physical symptoms as well. And putting on weight like it is his mission. He admitted to me via text and he feels like he is walling himself off from emotional connection and the weight is a physical symbol of that. I actually had this sudden flash that he was suicidal despite that not being something he has said nor does he have any diagnosed mental illness. He (wisely) said it was killing him to live with me. It hurt so much to hear that as I have always tried to be a source of support for this man. I spent a day feeling like a failure, wallowed in self pity. Then I pulled on my big girl pants and sat with a friend to brainstorm ways to financially and practically get him out of the house. Obviously my priority is my son and making sure he is safe and stable in as much as it is within my power to do so. We generated an excellent list. I will attempt to broach these with him, hoping he is stable enough to engage the conversation. And I believe I should work on my codepedency in therapy. At least I am self aware enough to recognize it. And, dear friends, it is time to have that legal consult I have been putting off. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this my friend.
I suspect that if I told my wife I was planning a divorce but didn't have the exit plan ready to execute, she would "suddenly" start having physical and/or mental problems that she currently doesn't have. I don't care what happens AFTER I leave. That sounds cold but I think you understand what I mean and why. Plus telling her I'm going to divorce but having to leave it open ended would as baza says "shred my cred". As angry as she makes me, I'm trying to maintain self-control and keep my distance, both physically and emotionally.
Make sure to take your financial data with you when you have your consult. It can make all the difference as to when you can execute your exit.
And as your are trying to take care of your family, make sure to take time to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, physically and mentally. Sounds like a rough storm ahead and you can't do it if you let yourself burn out and not having any reserves.
And remember that you are AWESOME, STRONG and deserve all the happiness that you are seeking. I hope that will happen soonest!
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Post by shamwow on May 13, 2019 21:40:03 GMT -5
Curious if anyone else had successful strategies for that in between time when you are still living together and still married but both aware it is over. northstarmom ? I know you had that with your ex but you were both pretty checked out, no? Anyone else? I told my ex I was leaving in the end of January. Our divorce finalized in mid July. Here's the kicker. We sold our house and both moved in with my parents for several weeks. I got my rental and she actually stayed with my folks another month or so. Here is the thing. This divorce? It is the last real thing you will do together. Each of us getting a lawyer gave us both concrete steps to do and kept things moving forward. At the same time I bent over backwards to keep thing amicable. Forward, deliberate motion with a smidgen of kindness got us through it. Of course after the divorce was over that veneer completely evaporated, but it was enough to get us done. It isn't your job to make sure he's OK. You are divorcing him. If that is truly what you want see an attorney about how to do that as quickly and painlessly as possible. Then do it.
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Post by tirefire on May 14, 2019 4:56:37 GMT -5
Curious if anyone else had successful strategies for that in between time when you are still living together and still married but both aware it is over. northstarmom ? I know you had that with your ex but you were both pretty checked out, no? Anyone else? I'm in this very situation for another couple of months (fingers crossed). I deal by having something that makes me feel strong. For you that could be your favorite activity maybe, volunteering, helping someone else, the gym? Hopefully you have something in your life like that. Embrace it. Get more time outside, preferably in nature. Keeps you focused for any crap from the ex. Good luck. Keep reaching out if it gets hard to deal.
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Post by ironhamster on May 14, 2019 6:37:59 GMT -5
I am blown away by your compassion and patience, and not happy or understanding of how some spouses seem to avoid being grownups. idgaf96 has a similar problem with her husband, which is no PhD grad student for sure. She will be teaching him how to pay bills, do laundry, and cook anything more complex than a hotdog. She is also resolved to this misery while the divorce proceeds along.
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Post by iceman on May 15, 2019 9:48:07 GMT -5
Curious if anyone else had successful strategies for that in between time when you are still living together and still married but both aware it is over. northstarmom ? I know you had that with your ex but you were both pretty checked out, no? Anyone else? Remaking civil with each other and keeping everything very light seems to work for us. No deep serious conversations unless it’s absolutely necessary. The interactions between my wife and me are almost entirely transactional in nature. They are about what needs to done in the house, groceries to buy, or about our kids. Very little about ‘us’. Those conversations have already happened and there’s no point in venturing down that rabbit-hole again.
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