Just found this gem...

I found this great piece by ZINCORE and felt it was a valuable one to be shared on here...


Wishful Thinking

Being sent to a place that is both very far away and very hot every time we raise the subject of intimacy can be confusing and devitalizing in the long run. Being asked to travel or otherwise reassemble in hell is somewhat hurtful too if for no other reason that we are already there and do not need to be reminded. Indeed when we turn to our partners, with our smiling faces and slightly ingratiating ways, we are hoping for a way out of our suffering and are understandably left disheartened when they respond with contempt and indifference.

Make no mistake, your partner knows precisely the suffering and misery you are experiencing among the souls of hell, yet they CHOOSE to remain indifferent to your pain and plan to do absolutely nothing to alleviate it. There is no failure on your part to effectively convey your anguish and misery. It is very often not a question of semantics, you do not need a mediator, a therapist, a psychiatrist, an astrophysicist or any other “professional” to help you make him or her understand; they understand you perfectly. Indeed it is you who do not understand. Language is one of the more distinctively human cognitive features; it comes natural to us. The problem is often not one of effective communication but rather of unreturned love.

A veil has been pulled over your eyes:

Unfortunately the root causes of a loveless marriage is often multifaceted and masquerades as its symptoms. The absence of dependable, soul-enriching lovemaking will have cascading effects that will impact almost every aspect of your life. Your career, social relationships, mental (and to the extent to which you are prone to psychosomatic disorders) physical well-being will all be affected. It is natural to be drawn to the symptoms as they manifest as localized pain and are likely to be what has drawn you to these pages in the first place. In turn this triggers a cycle of trial and error strategies aimed at easing the pain and sadness, fostering communication with someone who is already saying all there is to say and that generally leads nowhere.

Many will try or have tried one of many strategies centered on altering their behavior in order to elicit a desired response in their partners. Some will go to the extent of paying someone, a “therapist” or “consultant” blinded by promises that if they just follow the [insert number here] steps or learn to speak the [insert number here] languages of love or try the [insert number here] prescribed exercises like lying naked without touching each other for [insert number here] minutes per day you will miraculously alter your partner’s neurochemistry, override their own will and desires and finally make them see how charming and desirable you truly are; they will be stunned and unable to keep their loving hands away from your body cursing themselves for having lost so much time ignoring you but pledging to the heavens to make it up to you in every possible way for the rest of their lives.

However there is strong epidemiological evidence in these pages suggesting that reversing your partner indifference towards you through behavioral strategies and talking therapies is ineffective. Moreover adherence to these strategies is poor as life’s little ups and downs often get in the way. Many will cycle through a series of strategies using a trial and error approach hoping to randomly find one that works. You may try to be nicer, back off for a while and not mention sex (often to the delight of the refuser) try to improve your communication, buy gifts, shed a few pounds, be more attentive, make more money, get a better job, change religion, find a sport or hobby, change the way you dress etc… There may be a little spike in response to any acute change that many identify with statements such as “promising”, “early days but encouraging”, “seems to work” etc… This is a natural trend but likely to be an artefact; generally it does not last. You will soon find yourself back where you started, armed with a new strategy to try out and renewed hope and all the work still ahead of you.

While you cycle through the list of available strategies your best years will slowly go by and you will forget how enriching it is to live in a relationship where you are alive, desired, wanted, respected and loved. Your adaptive mechanisms eventually kick in, and you slowly desensitize you to love; you become numb and disconnected slowly believing that perhaps this is the best you deserve: the abnormal will slowly become normal, what you once thought would be unacceptable becomes acceptable, you will forget what you once knew, what you once desired and how you once thought your romantic life would unfold.


The negative effects of a sexless relationship permeate deep into the very fabric of your life and erode your soul from the inside, progressively and relentlessly. Every day it becomes a little more difficult to delineate cause from consequence. It is a dark venom that distributes itself through the capillaries of your soul and immobilizes you into your loveless relationship while it slowly wraps around you tighter and tighter until escape is almost impossible. Left unattended, it will consume you, your best years will quickly go by and all that remains will be a mere shadow of the person you once were. The strength of spirit that once you believed would enable you to delineate cause from consequence will eventually be defeated and you may find yourself journeying through the meanders of this sexless marriage universe, scouting these pages asking the fatidic “why”.

Fix your relationship vs. Reset and Rebuild

A sexless marriage cannot generally be fixed because your partner is likely to be happy with the status quo and everything is in perfect homeostasis; your complaints being now a normal part of the overall balanced equation. His neglect towards you has very likely been reinforced and rewarded by your acceptance of it; your attempts and efforts to reverse his indifference often viewed as flattering and reassuring that you will not disturb his status quo; they have you exactly where they want you. Counter intuitively is when you stop trying and caring the refusers get concerned. This is generally be accompanied by somewhat theatrical enactments that include shedding of tears where refusers will try to elicit pity and buy more time hoping you will soon forget about this nonsense of leaving them.

If you don’t have the strength to divorce just yet, one potential strategy is to stop everything you are trying. Stop communicating, stop being nice, stop backing off and stop asking for more, don’t threat to leave and don’t pledge to stay. Consider stripping down your relationship to its bare bones. Reset and rebuild. Leave for a few days and when you come back set new terms for your relationship that are clear and measurable. This will also give you a baseline to set realistic objectives and latency allowing you to set a time limit. If within the next 100 days from this point you do not see a significant trend towards your minimum emotional and physical needs being met, then this should inform your exit strategy, safe in the knowledge that you have given it everything. Moreover, you will also have an opportunity to understand and meet your partner needs so you will both have a common goal to works towards. If you successfully survive these 100 days then you can monitor progress at longer intervals.
ZincoreZincore 36-40, M