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Post by lessingham on Apr 17, 2019 4:46:16 GMT -5
Many years abo men were broken by years of hard labour in factories. Women were destroyed by years of childbirth. They looked broken down and ancient by 40. Nowadays we are better. Women look amazing well into their 60s. This idea of a 50 sonething woman not being desirable and sexy is as outdated as hand washing clothes and scrubbing floors. I know I have zero self esteem, but hey: flaunt it, rock it and own it
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Post by h on Apr 17, 2019 11:18:24 GMT -5
Have you considered.... A) he is addicted to jerking off and there is nothing left in the tank B) he is having an affair and therefore regular sex C) he is gay/asexual D) there is a physical condition preventing enjoyingable sex for him It’s not you. There will be a magnitude of men out there who would fuck you gladly I have considered these and have looked into all of them. Still don't know what the deal is. Maybe I could find someone else who wants me but I doubt it and I really hate to be a cheater. If your profile picture is actually the real you, you're going to have no trouble finding a new guy. Unless you have no contact with the outside world, there will be many guys who find you attractive. You may not know it because they don't come right out and say it, but you have nothing to worry about.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 17, 2019 11:56:44 GMT -5
Jesse, were you able to get off during that hour long sex?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2019 12:42:05 GMT -5
The low self-esteem you're feeling is a result of your situation. The reality is that you're a desirable person. One of the principal challenges of a SM is removing how it makes you feel from your true worth as a person. It's not easy. I spent years, decades really, scouring my life for the whys of my sex life, where I went wrong, what could I do to improve it, ad infinitum. Most of what you read about why chasing is thoroughly bullshit. "Communication is key" "Try doing more housework" whatever. Those are sidelines if you're here on this forum.
You have to let that all go and move on with being the best version of yourself that you can be. Maybe that's with him after a crazy amount of work, probably mostly on your part, or maybe it's without him.
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jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Apr 17, 2019 17:05:39 GMT -5
Jesse, were you able to get off during that hour long sex? No I didn't. I could tell he was somewhere else. I'm a lot of things but a selfish lover isn't one of them. I want more than anything for my partner to feel pleasure even above my own.
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 17, 2019 18:31:17 GMT -5
Have you considered.... A) he is addicted to jerking off and there is nothing left in the tank B) he is having an affair and therefore regular sex C) he is gay/asexual D) there is a physical condition preventing enjoyingable sex for him It’s not you. There will be a magnitude of men out there who would fuck you gladly I have considered these and have looked into all of them. Still don't know what the deal is. Maybe I could find someone else who wants me but I doubt it and I really hate to be a cheater. And that’s the issue. Your morals (I’m the same by the way) prevent you from having what is being refused elsewhere. Funnily enough, sex is almost the only thing that you are simply not allowed to do with someone else. You could have dinner, go shopping, go out running, have a spa day with someone other than your partner and it counts as nothing. No big deal. It’ll even be readily permitted. Sex is a different story though. Why is that? Because sex is a hugely significant act but out partners have removed our right to this hugely significant act. It’s criminal.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 17, 2019 18:38:14 GMT -5
rejected said: " And that’s the issue. Your morals (I’m the same by the way) prevent you from having what is being refused elsewhere. Funnily enough, sex is almost the only thing that you are simply not allowed to do with someone else. You could have dinner, go shopping, go out running, have a spa day with someone other than your partner and it counts as nothing. No big deal. It’ll even be readily permitted. Sex is a different story though. Why is that? Because sex is a hugely significant act but out partners have removed our right to this hugely significant act. It’s criminal."
Wrong. Refusers have only removed their spouses' right to have sex with them. Their partners can choose to make themselves available to others via outsourcing or divorce.
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Post by baza on Apr 17, 2019 18:49:50 GMT -5
An obvious question then arises.
Is your moral code helping - or hindering - your life ?
Does your moral code need a revision in light of the factual situation you are dealing with ?
Is taking the moral high ground making you happy ?
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Apr 17, 2019 18:52:07 GMT -5
rejected said: " And that’s the issue. Your morals (I’m the same by the way) prevent you from having what is being refused elsewhere. Funnily enough, sex is almost the only thing that you are simply not allowed to do with someone else. You could have dinner, go shopping, go out running, have a spa day with someone other than your partner and it counts as nothing. No big deal. It’ll even be readily permitted. Sex is a different story though. Why is that? Because sex is a hugely significant act but out partners have removed our right to this hugely significant act. It’s criminal." Wrong. Refusers have only removed their spouses' right to have sex with them. Their partners can choose to make themselves available to others via outsourcing or divorce. Yes, it is criminal...two people get married with the understanding that there is an agreement to meet each others needs. You are not allowed to get those needs met by anyone else or that would violate the agreement. When one decides that your needs are no longer important and they do not feel any need to meet them, they have violated the agreement...maybe I will sue my W for not having sex with me...we need a precedent here.
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Post by baza on Apr 17, 2019 19:17:48 GMT -5
It is not (at least in my jurisdiction) a crime to refuse sex. And, if you want, you can seek sex outside the marriage. It is not a crime to do so in my jurisdiction. Further, in my jurisdiction there is a mechanism where you can if you choose, get out of your marriage if you feel your spouse has violated the agreement.
Your spouse IS allowed to sexually refuse you. You ARE allowed to "get those needs met elsewhere". You ARE allowed to end your marriage. These things are NOT illegal (at least in my jurisdiction).
The precedents already exist.
The rest of it is a matter of your choice.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 17, 2019 21:03:19 GMT -5
firefollower said: "Yes, it is criminal...two people get married with the understanding that there is an agreement to meet each others' needs. You are not allowed to get those needs met by anyone else or that would violate the agreement. When one decides that your needs are no longer important and they do not feel any need to meet them, they have violated the agreement...maybe I will sue my W for not having sex with me...we need a precedent here."
I'm not aware of any jurisdiction in which a person would face legal charges for not having sex with their spouse. While there are some jurisdictions in which people committing adultery can be imprisoned or even stoned to death I doubt that's the case in areas where most posting here live. There are jurisdictions in which one can sue one's spouse for not having sex. But what would that accomplish? You might get money but still wouldn't get a spouse who willingly engages in sex with you.
Unless you are in a jurisdiction that forbids divorce, if you want a spouse who has mutually pleasurable sex with you, divorce and finding a compatible partner is the only solution. And that is in your hands and -- when it comes to finding a compatible partner -- luck also will play a part as will how much energy and thought you put into finding such a partner.
Expecting the law to somehow make your spouse fuck you is a waste of your time and energy.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Apr 17, 2019 21:58:36 GMT -5
firefollower said: "Yes, it is criminal...two people get married with the understanding that there is an agreement to meet each others' needs. You are not allowed to get those needs met by anyone else or that would violate the agreement. When one decides that your needs are no longer important and they do not feel any need to meet them, they have violated the agreement...maybe I will sue my W for not having sex with me...we need a precedent here." I'm not aware of any jurisdiction in which a person would face legal charges for not having sex with their spouse. While there are some jurisdictions in which people committing adultery can be imprisoned or even stoned to death I doubt that's the case in areas where most posting here live. There are jurisdictions in which one can sue one's spouse for not having sex. But what would that accomplish? You might get money but still wouldn't get a spouse who willingly engages in sex with you. Unless you are in a jurisdiction that forbids divorce, if you want a spouse who has mutually pleasurable sex with you, divorce and finding a compatible partner is the only solution. And that is in your hands and -- when it comes to finding a compatible partner -- luck also will play a part as will how much energy and thought you put into finding such a partner. Expecting the law to somehow make your spouse fuck you is a waste of your time and energy. yes, I was sort of joking about suing...but it does bring up an interesting conversation on grounds for divorce and the subsequent division of assets. I live in a no fault state which always perplexed me. A marriage certificate in the eyes of the law where I live is considered a contract hence the division of assets upon dissolution. Clearly, if one spouse is at fault...it should factor in the division of assets. Although it would be your word against your spouses and they could always lie and say you are having sex 5 times a week. I make this argument with a grin knowing full well that it would never happen.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 17, 2019 22:23:11 GMT -5
One argument against “outsourcing”...
There are an increasing number of cases (and jurisdictions?) where the refuser has sued the affair partner for damages due to breaking up the marriage, and also for the amount of monies spent on the affair / AP by the refused. Especially in the case of long-term affairs, those amounts can become quite substantial.
If memory serves, North Carolina is one such jurisdiction, but I think there are many others. Back to the old saw, “get legal advice and find out where you *really* stand”.
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Post by baza on Apr 18, 2019 1:09:55 GMT -5
Adding to what Brother DryCreek says (above). In my jurisdiction these matters of suing someone for damages would be civil actions. Not tied in to a "divorce" action. Check it out with your lawyer as DC suggests.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 18, 2019 5:34:41 GMT -5
Money spent on an affair partner in Illinois is considered "depleting marital resources", and will result in extra money going to the refuser if it is proven. In some states, an affair can result in the loss of alimony.
It is so important to know where you stand, and what the likely repercussions are.
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