I think any "advice" or "suggestions" need to be based on the narrative the member writes.
For example, if you looked at Brother timeforliving2 it would be stupid to suggest he leave. His narrative does not support such a suggestion. But another example, say Sister elynne , it would border on negligence to suggest she stayed in her shithole.
To take a position that leaving (or staying) is the right course of action, irrespective of the members narrative serves no useful purpose. Each needs to be looked at on its' merits.
The facts are however, that in this group there is a paucity of stories that suggest the ILIASM deal is recoverable. They invariably describe basket case deals. Whereas one might say - erring on the optimistic side - that there are about 5 members here with credible claims to having had a 'turnaround' they are outnumbered 10 to 1 or more by members who's method of resolution was to part company.
Now that, does not make leaving "right in all cases" but it certainly makes it "right" for those who chose that. And that's what it comes down to. Staying can be the right choice for some. Cheating can be the right choice for some. Leaving can be the right choice for some.
Like baza I’ve read too many relationship books to count. What I’ve found to be the most helpful is the articles I find after googling. Some examples: How to live life without human touch? My husband doesn’t touch me ever. How to talk to a narcissistic? Am I being gaslighted? Is my husband gay? My husband is repulsed by me. Dismissive avoidant. Touch avoidant husband? How to deal with a manipulative spouse? Detachment in marriage. Apathy in marriage. Divorce attorneys. The best search by far, was the last.
We have a similar search history. 😅 I could add: ‘Why doesn’t my husband love me?’ ‘Does my husband hate me?’ and all sorts of iterations on that theme.
Then the whole ‘parenting with a narcissistic spouse’ phase.
By far the most helpful phase has been the searches dealing with how to get out. Even thinking about life post-divorce gives me a light and happy feeling.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
petrushka: Thank you! Had a great party with the boardgamers group (and BBQ, cakes and cards!)
Jan 18, 2020 20:14:00 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! Sounds like a wonderful way to celebrate
Jan 18, 2020 22:10:28 GMT -5
frednsa: yaaaaiiiiiieeeeoooooouuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk ! OK, if feel better now.....
Feb 29, 2020 18:14:01 GMT -5
petrushka: Glad you got that off your chest ;-)
Mar 6, 2020 23:35:38 GMT -5
worksforme2: It is a sad day here in my small town, the only cinema has closed...it's probably close to 30 miles to get to one now...
Mar 7, 2020 19:48:28 GMT -5
worksforme2: Since our esteemed governor has declared a state of emergency here in NC (a total of 12 cases so far) the hording of toilet paper has begun. Is diarrhea a part of covid 19? I see Lowes and Home Depot have quick install toilet retro fit bidets.
Mar 13, 2020 10:34:57 GMT -5
petrushka: I've no idea what it is with the toilet paper hoarding. I walked out of a supermarket yesterday and saw a woman with the jumbo sized trolley and some 4x 18 roll packs of toilet paper. Nuts. Completely nuts. Incidentally, a bidet is definitely the way to go
Mar 14, 2020 6:18:43 GMT -5
petrushka: Even her little 5 or 6 year old was questioning her purchase!
Mar 14, 2020 6:25:44 GMT -5
petrushka: One of my favourite quotes for the last 30 years: "don't ever look a sheep in the eyes, the intellectual vacuum may suck your brains out". Well, let's all drink to the sheeple! (besides, alcohol is a good disinfectant).
Mar 14, 2020 6:31:26 GMT -5
frednsa: so...............i'd like to tell her when she "attempts to placate me": have you ever been invited to a party where you knew for certain that you WEREN'T wanted ?
Mar 19, 2020 15:57:05 GMT -5
worksforme2: Former Miss Hawaii tests positive. Being the gallant lad that I am I have offered her the use of my guest bedroom to "shelter in place"..
Mar 23, 2020 20:34:21 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey tamara68, there is a covid19 positive cat in Belgium, watch out for it.
Mar 30, 2020 14:05:56 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme I think I have to be more careful for all infected people. Most likely I already have Covid19
Apr 1, 2020 3:29:42 GMT -5
worksforme2: tamara68.....it's been a couple weeks since you posted you may have the covid19 virus. hopefully you are feeling better and are on your way to renewed health
Apr 11, 2020 5:31:38 GMT -5
tamara68: @worksforme thanks, yes I am feeling better. How is it in the USA?
Apr 14, 2020 1:57:26 GMT -5
worksforme2: some better and some worse,..virus seems to be slowing down, but people are beginning to refuse to stay inside,...worst thing I see is Biden leading in the election poles,...but that could be fake news
Apr 20, 2020 16:56:22 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Politics? Is that what we want to happen here?
Apr 21, 2020 6:21:24 GMT -5
petrushka: Certainly not American style politics. Toxic echo chambers.
Apr 23, 2020 16:21:52 GMT -5
petrushka: However, I feel that sexual politics, including political moves that impact the relationships between gender (misogynist, misandrist, etc) definitely deserve room in this context.
Apr 23, 2020 16:22:59 GMT -5
fred: just calculated that i've spent somewhere near 19,000 days (& nights) as a "rejectee".AND that allows for 2,000+ days (& nights) on business travel apart from her. i've chosen to "stay" .....would never do that again, and can't as you see doing the math
May 15, 2020 18:01:15 GMT -5