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Post by JMX on Mar 17, 2019 0:32:03 GMT -5
Eventually, you will find yourself here.
If I could put a big arrow, pointing to me, in my locale, in my situation - saying “you are here” I would.
There was a time I pined (sp?)for my husband. In ILIASM time - it wasn’t that long ago.
I don’t anymore.
I do love him - in a familial way. But I don’t really want him anymore. I always consider - it may come back. It never does.
Trips to see your friends might re-enforce this. I am not them and they are not me. However, I did want to be home after a bit, even to see him. I still took away some tidbits...
They have been my friend since I was 9. They fucking know me. Sometimes, more than I know myself.
Friend of friend: “So-and-so says you’re the cool one.” He meant open.
“I am. I am also the dark one.”
He nodded.
I came home after a fun weekend and was glad to be here! It wore off after a day. The warmth I feel from him is friendly - but not the same as my girls.
He has really taken to video games even more. About 5 hours a night. Truth is - I don’t care what HE does anymore and I realized it tonight. I am thankful he has his “thing”.
And me not caring barely wears off anymore. Just an interesting revelation I had after feeling this way for months.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 17, 2019 0:57:15 GMT -5
Oh yes I found myself here about 3 months ago. I've lost all hope for my marriage and I don't want to try or for her to try. If she does I will tell her I don't love her that way any more. I love her like a sister and that's it. And that's the way I will treat her for the remaining time I'm here.
It was very sad when I came to terms with the fact that there was no "us" anymore. That still stings but I'm hoping as time goes away the sting will stop.
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Post by baza on Mar 17, 2019 5:03:23 GMT -5
There's a couple of really good things that are evident here Sister JMX . #1 - you've been all the way through the process to the end, bar the final step. It shouldn't be unfamiliar territory if you are of a mind to re-activate your option to take that final step. #2 - you seem to know exactly where you are at this moment. That's priceless information. #3 - you've made the transition to 'indifference' It appears to be done, and is now just a matter of formalising that fact when you want, if that's what you want.
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Post by workingonit on Mar 17, 2019 8:12:54 GMT -5
I was there too JMX . I am numb now. Not sad, no guilt. We will divorce when we are able. For now we are amicable siblings. Sad place to go through but so very clear.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 17, 2019 12:40:45 GMT -5
I was there too JMX . I am numb now. Not sad, no guilt. We will divorce when we are able. For now we are amicable siblings. Sad place to go through but so very clear. I got there in my SM too. Luckily, it wasn’t too long before we were able to go our separate ways and I could start feeling and living again. Sending hugs to those of you who need to endure this for longer than you want to.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 17, 2019 13:26:03 GMT -5
Yep I got to that point too. I preferred he was anywhere else doing anything else. He could screw a friend in our bed I wouldn't of cared. I got to the point we were visiting my sister and the bed was only a full size and it dipped in the middle. I slept holding onto the frame on my side. I changed with the door locked. That's how you know it's over. And he STILL can't understand why I can't try again.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 17, 2019 13:43:22 GMT -5
JMX, not to make light of it, but here’s a theme song for you...
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Post by solodriver on Mar 17, 2019 16:19:01 GMT -5
Thank you DC. When I first saw this post, this was what I immediately thought of. I've used this in other posts in the past.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 17, 2019 20:44:51 GMT -5
JMX, I think you are taking a healthy path. I won't speculate what the next move is, but it will probably be a better thought out move in apathy than mine was in animosity.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 18, 2019 9:29:30 GMT -5
I got into a car accident in January and totaled my car. During my time in the hospital I found out I had an existing medical condition after a brain scan, and have been dealing with that. My job at the time had a lot of travel involved and I found out that it wouldn’t be possible for me to do it anymore. So, he paid most of the bills in February while I started a new job that didn’t involve traveling. We have separate bank accounts. I got promoted last week and that came with a considerable raise. Ive always made more money than him, and now I do again. So, it’s not like I totaled my car, and decided to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. He paid around 70% of the bills for one month. One month. During that month I never asked him for a dime. He just paid the normal regular bills we have every month. A few days ago he was telling me how I’m the reason he doesn’t have any money. Bc in February he had to pay so much of the bills and he hasn’t been this poor since he was in his 20s. Our bills are nothing. They total around 900 a month. That includes EVERYTHING. So, I told him that if he’s so broke to get rid of his cats, or cancel his internet. His response was to tell me that he needs to get rid of the dead weight that’s me and that he loves his cats. He loves his internet. He tolerates me bc I owe him money and knows if he kicks me out he’ll never see any of it. His words didn’t even sting. Not even a little bit. I. Don’t. Care.
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Post by Handy on Mar 18, 2019 15:39:05 GMT -5
Smith227 told him that if he’s so broke to get rid of his cats, or cancel his internet.
Well, that was a big insult in my opinion. Yes, I like my Internet (the W has the cats and feels the same way your H does=the H goes a long time before the cats go) but aren't people's needs more important?
I hope you are recovering from your car accident.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Mar 28, 2019 17:41:37 GMT -5
Yep I got to that point too. I preferred he was anywhere else doing anything else. He could screw a friend in our bed I wouldn't of cared. I got to the point we were visiting my sister and the bed was only a full size and it dipped in the middle. I slept holding onto the frame on my side. I changed with the door locked. That's how you know it's over. And he STILL can't understand why I can't try again. I find myself here as well. As for him not understanding why you can't try again...here are my thoughts...we (the refused) associate sex and intimacy as being a profound experience of connection requiring a certain level of vulnerability. For us, sex at its' essence is an emotion full of wonderful ways to express ourselves to our partners and enjoy their expression to us as well. For them (refusers)...sex is akin to going to the grocery store, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash...you get the point. There is no emotion, no connection to the other person...it is merely an emotionless activity that can be relegated to routine and mundane. IMHO...that is why he cannot understand why you just cannot give it a whirl. You are normal...we are normal...we are using sexual intimacy the way it was intended to be used.
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Post by Handy on Mar 28, 2019 17:56:48 GMT -5
Firefollower sex is akin to going to the grocery store, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash...you get the point. There is no emotion, no connection to the other person..
Firefollower, I am going to take an exception to what I bolded. I have read women's forums that didn't like sex with their H for various reasons. Most were somewhat revolted at the thought of being entered, didn't like the man they married when kissing, couldn't stand the H touching her. IOW there was a lot of negative emotions these women had when it came to their H. Us refused feel the negativity so I think many refuse's also feel the negativity when put in a intimate situation.
Yes sex is a chore for many refusers but there must be plenty of negative emotions attached to the chore. With some people, the more you do for them, the less they like you. I am guessing some refusers follow that pattern. Many counter refusers have said they can't stand their spouse after being refused for so many years.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Mar 28, 2019 18:00:16 GMT -5
Firefollower sex is akin to going to the grocery store, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash...you get the point. There is no emotion, no connection to the other person..Firefollower, I am going to take an exception to what I bolded. I have read women's forums that didn't like sex with their H for various reasons. Most were somewhat revolted at the thought of being entered, didn't like the man they married when kissing, couldn't stand the H touching her. IOW there was a lot of negative emotions these women had when it came to their H. Us refused feel the negativity so I think many refuse's also feel the negativity when put in a intimate situation. Yes sex is a chore for many refusers but there must be plenty of negative emotions attached to the chore. With some people, the more you do for them, the less they like you. I am guessing some refusers follow that pattern. Many counter refusers have said they can't stand their spouse after being refused for so many years. Well done Handy...I see your point. Anger is clouding my judgement.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 28, 2019 18:44:29 GMT -5
@ firefighter the worse part is our sex life was good and frequent our sitting on the couch snuggling kind of wound down when the kids got to be school aged. I will admit I used sex to get the attention I wanted. Then he discovered porn and got addicted . We not only didn't have sex he didn't eat with the family we didn't go to bed together. The kids and I only seen the back of his head for years. I was very verbal he knew how unhappy I was. I even made him a cassette of lonely women songs. I warned him when I quit yelling I was done. That's when he panicked and cut back his porn time to go to bed with me. We didn't have sex because he already took care of that. He devastated me emotionally. I'm sorry doesn't fix that. We had no affection, intamacy or relationship to speak of. I've been out since June of 2017 he still emails me saying he didn't realize I was so unhappy. Ughhh
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