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Post by smith227 on Mar 15, 2019 18:34:20 GMT -5
I replied to a post in another section about being indifferent and am just curious. How many of you are so incredibly indifferent that staying doesn’t even matter. I’m choosing to stay right now bc I don’t have a better option and leaving would leave me homeless. I’m hoping to have a plan by the end of the year, but I’m the meantime? I’m just so damn indifferent that my roommate could bring a woman home every night and have sex with her right in front of me and I wouldn’t bat an eye. I simply don’t care anymore. It’s no longer love, and it’s no longer hate or frustration. It’s NOTHING. And I sit and think about how many marriages are like mine and it’s mind blowing bc I know it’s more than people think. I actually believed I was unique and my sexless death trap until I found this place. I had no idea. And when I think about getting out now that I’ve hit this huge indifference, I no longer think about finding a fulfilling relationship. I fantasize about how peaceful it would be just to be alone. I daydream of being alone now. It’s amazing what this situation will do to a normal healthy person.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Mar 15, 2019 18:45:57 GMT -5
Smith227...........your words resonate with me...I too have feelings of being alone with myself as a better option to my current situation. Perhaps it is our way of recovering the control of our lives we once thought we had. The thought of being alone for me is not unhealthy but merely a way for me to recover and rehabilitate. I also find the thought of trying to find someone else tiresome and probably not worth the effort. This might be my destroyed self-esteem talking but I take pleasure in imagining a life with no expectations and no unmet desires...we might be odd...I just wanted to tell you that your are not alone in feeling this way.
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Post by baza on Mar 15, 2019 18:54:22 GMT -5
I remember a respected Brother on the old EP site - @cczinc - who wrote a piece on this subject a few years back. Whereas the popular view is that the opposite of "love" is "hate", he argued that in truth, the opposite of "love" is "indifference". Here's the rationale. If you "love" someone you are invested in them and they occupy your thinking in a mostly positive way. OTOH if you "hate" someone, they still occupy your thinking, albeit in a mostly negative way. But in both scenario's you are still emotionally invested in them. If however you are "indifferent" to them, you are no longer emotionally invested in them and they do not occupy your thinking a real lot. I think that's a pretty sound bit of logic. If you truly "hate" your spouse, then the deal is in terminal decline. If you truly are "indifferent" to your spouse, then the deal is dead. In my case Sister smith227 , I think I hit indifference in my ILIASM deal about 3 years before I got out.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 15, 2019 18:59:42 GMT -5
Smith227...........your words resonate with me...I too have feelings of being alone with myself as a better option to my current situation. Perhaps it is our way of recovering the control of our lives we once thought we had. The thought of being alone for me is not unhealthy but merely a way for me to recover and rehabilitate. I also find the thought of trying to find someone else tiresome and probably not worth the effort. This might be my destroyed self-esteem talking but I take pleasure in imagining a life with no expectations and no unmet desires...we might be odd...I just wanted to tell you that your are not alone in feeling this way. Thanks for responding. I actually don’t think we’re unhealthy at all in our desire to just be alone at this point. I agree with you about the effort and not dealing with unmet needs. It all just seems like a hassle when I can throw myself into work or get a new hobby. It’s so strange to feel this way bc I know before all of this I loved having a good parntner, but now I can’t even imagine myself with anyone bc I’ve been forced to become this asexual being and I’ve started to get used to it. It’s like I’ve hit this wall and changed fundamentally to cope, and I’d hate to, and never would make anyone else romantically deal with what I’ve become.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 16, 2019 13:39:00 GMT -5
I replied to a post in another section about being indifferent and am just curious. How many of you are so incredibly indifferent that staying doesn’t even matter. I’m choosing to stay right now bc I don’t have a better option and leaving would leave me homeless. I’m hoping to have a plan by the end of the year, but I’m the meantime? I’m just so damn indifferent that my roommate could bring a woman home every night and have sex with her right in front of me and I wouldn’t bat an eye. I simply don’t care anymore. It’s no longer love, and it’s no longer hate or frustration. It’s NOTHING. And I sit and think about how many marriages are like mine and it’s mind blowing bc I know it’s more than people think. I actually believed I was unique and my sexless death trap until I found this place. I had no idea. And when I think about getting out now that I’ve hit this huge indifference, I no longer think about finding a fulfilling relationship. I fantasize about how peaceful it would be just to be alone. I daydream of being alone now. It’s amazing what this situation will do to a normal healthy person. I completely understand because I'm in the same situation. But I'm trying to find a way forward to at least leave in a few months.
I don't want to be alone, I want to have someone who wants to share love, joy, sex and all the good things that a wonderful relationship can bring. Right now I'm "alone" in this marriage and have been for many years. I have to do everything for myself and for the house to keep it from falling apart. Since I'm already "alone" in this marriage, I'd rather be alone somewhere else since I can take care of myself anyway, with the hope that someday soon I will find someone to share those needs I have and I can give back to their needs and enjoy life again. As I have said for awhile now, my reality is:
I have NO hope of sex, love or joy if I stay here.
I have HOPE of it if I leave.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 16, 2019 13:48:35 GMT -5
Smith227...........your words resonate with me...I too have feelings of being alone with myself as a better option to my current situation. Perhaps it is our way of recovering the control of our lives we once thought we had. The thought of being alone for me is not unhealthy but merely a way for me to recover and rehabilitate. I also find the thought of trying to find someone else tiresome and probably not worth the effort. This might be my destroyed self-esteem talking but I take pleasure in imagining a life with no expectations and no unmet desires...we might be odd...I just wanted to tell you that your are not alone in feeling this way. Thanks for responding. I actually don’t think we’re unhealthy at all in our desire to just be alone at this point. I agree with you about the effort and not dealing with unmet needs. It all just seems like a hassle when I can throw myself into work or get a new hobby. It’s so strange to feel this way bc I know before all of this I loved having a good parntner, but now I can’t even imagine myself with anyone bc I’ve been forced to become this asexual being and I’ve started to get used to it. It’s like I’ve hit this wall and changed fundamentally to cope, and I’d hate to, and never would make anyone else romantically deal with what I’ve become. smith227 This post strikes me as you being very hard on yourself. Your situation is making you unhappy and likely depressed. But it’s due to the situation, not because of who YOU are. Cut yourself some slack. And also, realize that if you were truly turning asexual (rather that just forcibly celibate against your will) then you wouldn’t even care enough to post here. And you do care. Being unhappy means you care. And that’s a good thing IMO. Be gentle with yourself during this hard time. You can choose to not have it always be like this. Here’s hoping that your opportunities will shift soon.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 16, 2019 16:09:25 GMT -5
[/quote] smith227 This post strikes me as you being very hard on yourself. Your situation is making you unhappy and likely depressed. But it’s due to the situation, not because of who YOU are. Cut yourself some slack. And also, realize that if you were truly turning asexual (rather that just forcibly celibate against your will) then you wouldn’t even care enough to post here. And you do care. Being unhappy means you care. And that’s a good thing IMO. Be gentle with yourself during this hard time. You can choose to not have it always be like this. Here’s hoping that your opportunities will shift soon. [/quote] Thank you for responding. I don’t know that I am depressed. I just got a promotion at work and a considerable raise with it, and I’m thrilled. I spoke with a woman about an apartment today, that’s affordable and only 3 blocks from my job. It’s just that I read what other people write on here, and how a lot of them still masturbate, fantasize, and even think about outsourcing. I do none of that. I look at pretty much all men as someone who could possibly put me right back in this situation if given the opportunity, and shut down. It’s like I’m no longer interested in giving anyone the power to literally break me again once I am finally free of the absolute bullshit I’m currently in. I don’t know. Maybe it will shift or change once I’m free, but as for right now I feel like the only person I can trust is myself. My biggest fantacy is to be alone in my own peaceful space.
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Post by dannyc on Mar 19, 2019 13:13:04 GMT -5
I stay because the sexual problems I am having with my wife would most likely crop up again with someone else. Also financially it would a disaster as my wife runs the company I have worked for for 30 years. That and I don't want to live in a bachelor apartment in a lousy part of town like I did before I was married- and without my kids. Staying really was the only option for me.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 19, 2019 13:30:01 GMT -5
“stay because the sexual problems I am having with my wife would most likely crop up again with someone else”
What are those problems? Have you sought treatment? If it’s occasional ED, that happens with most men as they age but can be adapted to. My post sm partner has it but we still have an enjoyable sex life.
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Post by flashjohn on Mar 20, 2019 16:01:37 GMT -5
I replied to a post in another section about being indifferent and am just curious. How many of you are so incredibly indifferent that staying doesn’t even matter. I’m choosing to stay right now bc I don’t have a better option and leaving would leave me homeless. I’m hoping to have a plan by the end of the year, but I’m the meantime? I’m just so damn indifferent that my roommate could bring a woman home every night and have sex with her right in front of me and I wouldn’t bat an eye. I simply don’t care anymore. It’s no longer love, and it’s no longer hate or frustration. It’s NOTHING. And I sit and think about how many marriages are like mine and it’s mind blowing bc I know it’s more than people think. I actually believed I was unique and my sexless death trap until I found this place. I had no idea. And when I think about getting out now that I’ve hit this huge indifference, I no longer think about finding a fulfilling relationship. I fantasize about how peaceful it would be just to be alone. I daydream of being alone now. It’s amazing what this situation will do to a normal healthy person. Yes, it is terrible. I was numb most of the time and would retreat into my own mind. I hope you are ok with your situation.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on Mar 27, 2019 8:48:36 GMT -5
Smith227...........your words resonate with me...I too have feelings of being alone with myself as a better option to my current situation. Perhaps it is our way of recovering the control of our lives we once thought we had. The thought of being alone for me is not unhealthy but merely a way for me to recover and rehabilitate. I also find the thought of trying to find someone else tiresome and probably not worth the effort. This might be my destroyed self-esteem talking but I take pleasure in imagining a life with no expectations and no unmet desires...we might be odd...I just wanted to tell you that your are not alone in feeling this way. Thanks for responding. I actually don’t think we’re unhealthy at all in our desire to just be alone at this point. I agree with you about the effort and not dealing with unmet needs. It all just seems like a hassle when I can throw myself into work or get a new hobby. It’s so strange to feel this way bc I know before all of this I loved having a good parntner, but now I can’t even imagine myself with anyone bc I’ve been forced to become this asexual being and I’ve started to get used to it. It’s like I’ve hit this wall and changed fundamentally to cope, and I’d hate to, and never would make anyone else romantically deal with what I’ve become. "Getting used to it" I believe encapsulates what we are feeling. It is classic conditioning that we are responding to...when you don't get the reward eventually the behavior becomes extinct. I think another thread discussed "chore play". I would have conversations with my W where she would tell me that..."if you just helped around the house a little more, I would feel more romantic and not be so tired". I have always done my share but when I increased my efforts with the thought there would be a reward and there wasn't, I stopped. I believe the "beaten dog" analogy applies here...eventually, the dog goes into the corner and does not respond...no more pain, no anger...just acceptance and indifference.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 27, 2019 9:53:14 GMT -5
Smith said: “I fantasize about how peaceful it would be just to be alone. I daydream of being alone now. It’s amazing what this situation will do to a normal healthy person.”
Nothing at all unhealthy about such thoughts. Virtually anyone in a sm would benefit from having some time living alone so they could focus on themselves, reclaim themselves and heal. If being single is more appealingly than remaining married, that’s a big signal that you are ready to divorce.
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Post by awkward71 on May 28, 2019 20:27:07 GMT -5
Yes it's amazing how many people are in this situation. I too no longer care and don't plan on pursuing anyone after I leave next year. It's too hard finding that compatibility with someone. The one guy from my college days that i thought i might end up with turned into another heartbreak. So alone it is.
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Post by northstarmom on May 28, 2019 20:45:56 GMT -5
awkward71 said: "I too no longer care and don't plan on pursuing anyone after I leave next year. It's too hard finding that compatibility with someone."
This definitely makes sense in the short term, and "short term" may mean a few years. Most people who've been in sexless marriages could benefit from some time focusing on themselves and reclaiming, healing and discovering themselves as people independent of having a partner.
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firefollower
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Post by firefollower on May 28, 2019 20:50:01 GMT -5
Yes it's amazing how many people are in this situation. I too no longer care and don't plan on pursuing anyone after I leave next year. It's too hard finding that compatibility with someone. The one guy from my college days that i thought i might end up with turned into another heartbreak. So alone it is. I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
From Walden by Henry Thoreau Each of our interpretations might be different but I take from this that you need to understand and love yourself before you can offer anything to anyone else. SM's do a number on our self esteem and it is hard sometimes to see through the fog...hang in there, you are worth it.
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