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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Mar 12, 2019 0:16:07 GMT -5
My wife does this thing that bugs me, she's the only person I know that does this. It's her usage of "I", "we", and "you".
When she wants someone else to do something she uses "we". For example "When are we going to clean out the garage" actually means "When are you going to clean out the garage".
Sometimes she turns it around "I spent all day yesterday cleaning that room and now it's a mess" when in reality we spent the all day cleaning that room.
I called her out on that last one the other day. She said "I spent all day yesterday cleaning that room and now it's a mess!" I responded "We." She says "We what?" I replied "We spent all day yesterday cleaning that room, it was a group effort, everyone participated including the kids." She started pointing out what she cleaned and then I pointed out what I cleaned. She got this nasty look on her face and left to go to work. Apparently my comments struck a nerve as her mother mentioned to me about an hour later how upset my wife was about that.
Anyone else live with someone who can't use I, we, and you correctly?
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Post by baza on Mar 12, 2019 1:08:11 GMT -5
Yep. That was in place in my ILIASM days. Example - Visitor says - "The paint job in the living room came up well" Mrs baz - "Yes, we did a good job on that" Fact - she had done NOTHING, made NO CONTRIBUTION to the project at all. Not even to bring me a coffee during the several days it took. To expand on the theme Brother lifeinwoodinville .... the use of the term *us* in an ILIASM context. In an ILIASM context, there is no *us*, there is no *team* or *partnership* There is you, with your agenda (which looks nothing like your spouses' agenda) And there is your spouse, with their agenda (which looks nothing like your agenda) And it is this very thing, the incompatible agenda's, that produce ILIASM shitholes. |
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Post by Handy on Mar 12, 2019 1:34:39 GMT -5
lifeinwoodinville, I have a similar thing going on in my house. My W says "we" need to _________________ but I do all of the planning, paying for the supplies and I am the one that does the work. To put some icing on the cake (not) my W wants to now when the project is going to be finished but rarely asks much about the steps it takes to get everything working together.
I think my W watches too many home remodeling programs on TV where the plans are made, the demolition work ids done, and the new work is all accomplished in an hour.
The when the project is going to be finished part irritates the most.
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Post by workingonit on Mar 12, 2019 5:45:39 GMT -5
I have that problem a bit in reverse.
When I am talking to someone about my son I realized I always say "We are looking for a new therapist" or "we are homeschooling him." But there is no we. It is just me making all decisions, doing all the work. I do similar language juijitsu with housework, projects, getting my older son through college applications. He did nothing. I say we did it.
I wonder why I do that. I think it is automatic- like I have been shielding the world and myself from seeing my marriage for so long I have forgotten how to use those very words.
I don't take credit for things he does. And I very rarely ask him to do anything anymore so the original question seems like a no for me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 12, 2019 8:52:21 GMT -5
My 2 cents? It sounds like more manipulative control. Years of conditioning that you blindly accepted. Like their refusal of sex and intimacy. Just because someone is a manipulative controller doesn't mean that they do it in blatant, obnoxious, rude, demanding words and actions. Some are very cunning and sly in their tactics. Slowly chipping away at your self esteem, and self defense.
Not surprising that she is 'offended' by the truth. Or should I say, "caught off guard". The sad part is it will not change her stance. Instead she will find 'other ways' to prove in her mind that ' she can do no wrong'.
I remember my ,now ex, replying to my statement that " I did/do 100% of all the labor regarding the rental properties,including purchasing them, with my inheritance money". Her response was, " You don't remember me helping you?".
I said, " no, when did you help do any of it?" She said, " I helped you replace the ceiling fan". I told her" I don't even remember that. You probably did. So. That's , maybe 1% . Meanwhile I've been doing the other 99% " She had no response.
I also recall the incident when I asked her to start trying for sex once a week. She responded " I don't think I will ever be ready for that!!". ( more "I" only) I told her, " that doesn't surprise me. You were sure ready when you wanted to procreate".
She then told me " I was being disrespectful". I responded " me being disrespectful?" What about you?" You have been disrespecting my needs, words, and actions for years!". She said " take me home, I won't discuss it anymore."
Lots of "I's" when it fits her agenda.
Think of it this way ( I Know it's hard too , until it actually happens) If you where dating someone new and they talked that way ( the I, WE, and YOU) would you notice it ? Would you point it out? Would you give them a chance to correct it? How many chances? How long? Would it be a red flag for you? It will be for me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 12, 2019 9:09:32 GMT -5
I wonder why I do that. I think it is automatic- like I have been shielding the world and myself from seeing my marriage for so long I have forgotten how to use those very words. I don't take credit for things he does. Bingo! It's a big part of the 'conditioning'. Marriage was going to be a 50/50 deal. meanwhile you accepted the fact that their will be times that it can go 90/10, but that's okay! people get ill, loose jobs, make mistakes, etc... things happen, on both sides. But when that scale has been 90/10 for years, it's time to go it alone and free yourself of that excessive burdon. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 12, 2019 10:38:42 GMT -5
Sure, I am in this club too. In relation to family responsibilities where I have been a hidden single parent within a marriage for most of my children's lives I default to the 'we' as a conditioned response. This was almost certainly as part of my wider denial about the state of our relationship.
H is really good at home improvements, and has worked very hard over many years on many properties to our family's benefit. I would happily point out his endeavours to others as 'H has done...' Monumental muppet that I am.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Mar 12, 2019 10:49:11 GMT -5
I also recall the incident when I asked her to start trying for sex once a week. She responded " I don't think I will ever be ready for that!!". ( more "I" only) I told her, " that doesn't surprise me. You were sure ready when you wanted to procreate". She then told me " I was being disrespectful". I responded " me being disrespectful?" What about you?" You have been disrespecting my needs, words, and actions for years!". She said " take me home, I won't discuss it anymore." Think of it this way ( I Know it's hard too , until it actually happens) If you where dating someone new and they talked that way ( the I, WE, and YOU) would you notice it ? Would you point it out? Would you give them a chance to correct it? How many chances? How long? Would it be a red flag for you? It will be for me. I can completely relate to the part about procreation. My wife somehow managed to find a way to have sex numerous times when we were trying to get pregnant but can't manage anything since then. And, yes, if I looking for a potential partner again in the future I will be looking for the we, I, you thing. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 12, 2019 20:49:28 GMT -5
Apparently my comments struck a nerve as her mother mentioned to me about an hour later how upset my wife was about that. Sounds like 'triangulation". The old, two against one, when someone refuses to admit that they could be wrong. Another manipulative tactic that a controller uses. I first read about it in the book " Boundaries in Marriage" There is a chapter about the negative influence that grandparents can have in a marriage. How a marriage is supposed to be independent of one's parental influence, and is two adults who can solve their own problems by communicating with each other. Another red flag! www.boundariesbooks.com/articles/boundaries-in-marriage/outside-parties-disrupt-relationships/ |
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Post by lessingham on Mar 13, 2019 5:09:23 GMT -5
A few years ago there was a gardener talking. He had started life as an apprentice gardener in a stately home. The extensive gardens were managed by a group of men. One afternoon he was weeding near a laen where her ladyship and her friends were taking tea. They were complimenting her in her gardens and she was saying how much work she had put in. Like many, she absolutely believed saying "do this" was her working.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Mar 13, 2019 7:55:24 GMT -5
Apparently my comments struck a nerve as her mother mentioned to me about an hour later how upset my wife was about that. Sounds like 'triangulation". The old, two against one, when someone refuses to admit that they could be wrong. Another manipulative tactic that a controller uses. I first read about it in the book " Boundaries in Marriage" There is a chapter about the negative influence that grandparents can have in a marriage. How a marriage is supposed to be independent of one's parental influence, and is two adults who can solve their own problems by communicating with each other. Another red flag! www.boundariesbooks.com/articles/boundaries-in-marriage/outside-parties-disrupt-relationships/Actually my mother in law and I get a long better than my wife and I do. My wife thinks her mother is crazy, I think my mother in law is the only one in their family with her head screwed on correctly. I actually have two mother in law's as my father in law got remarried after divorce. Both my mother in laws are amazing. I got lucky in that aspect. |
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