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Post by tirefire on Mar 17, 2019 16:27:40 GMT -5
Ok, so I'm not the only one. I feel a little better about it now. Thank you, everyone. I almost didn't post it because it made me feel like a weirdo.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 17, 2019 20:09:22 GMT -5
Glad you posted it tirefire, you just expressed what others in here feel but haven't shared. That's the beauty of this group. There is truly understanding and support which we can't find anywhere else.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 17, 2019 20:12:41 GMT -5
There appears to be overwhelming evidence (of which the linked article forms a part) of the theraputic effects of touch. I can't recall ever reading some research that said touch was a bad thing. On a more personal note - and based on the latter stages of my ILIASM deal - it was weird. We actually adopted a position where we would go out of our way to avoid touch. Actually make an effort to step back out of the way if we were about to go through a door to avoid even accidentally touching. The weird shit that one did in the pressure cooker environment of an ILIASM deal when I look back on it. OMG funny that you say that. Just yesterday twice I found myself moving to one side so my wife could go by without us bumping into each other. I probably do this now without thinking.
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 18, 2019 17:28:24 GMT -5
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Post by caballotierra on Mar 20, 2019 12:18:14 GMT -5
Oh wow. This thread makes me want to cry.
I had the same experience with haircuts, with massage, with acupuncture, with cupping, at the dentist. I knew the pain and desperation was there. But i didn't realize the extent of the damage until I actually communicated that I wanted a divorce.
Now, I realize just how starved I was for years.
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Post by flounder on Mar 20, 2019 19:28:07 GMT -5
Ok, so I'm not the only one. I feel a little better about it now. Thank you, everyone. I almost didn't post it because it made me feel like a weirdo. I think it just means you were lonely. Like a lot of us really.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 20, 2019 22:05:02 GMT -5
This will sound stupid but I used to look forward to getting a haircut for this very reason. Just a few minutes of touch. Any female touch. It feels so sad now looking back. I looked forward to it as well. Sometimes I even had to choke back the emotion while she massaged my head during shampooing. It’s not stupid at all. This was part of why I outsourced. If I was so starved for touch that I was almost crying when at the hair salon something obviously had to change. Almost crying...I can relate, choosinghappy.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 20, 2019 22:11:08 GMT -5
I think it's so unfortunate that most men are socialized (I think) that non-sexual touch is unmanly. They may also be concerned about what may be non-sexual touches being misinterpreted as sexual and getting sued or fired, which is also unfortunate.
We need to raise all of our children to be more comfortable with appropriate, non-sexual touches. I think this is more of an issue that hurts men than women, who are socialized to hug more.
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Post by Handy on Mar 20, 2019 22:55:04 GMT -5
Saarinista, since the 1980 and maybe before, I have heard of social setting and workplace touching leading to legal battles. Some people are so militant against men touching anyone it bordered on minor fear of being sued for me. Even when I was in some college classes in the early 1990's, I had women get upset with me because I opened an outside door for them going to one of the major buildings on campus where classes where held. OTH, now if I don't open or hold the door for some women, I wonder if they think I am a jerk.
On another level, I have an acquaintance that has severe memory issues and he is in a memory care facility. I always touch him somewhere on the arm or shoulder when I visit with him. I know he misses being home, even if he couldn't get there on his own even if his life depended on it. He is heavily medicated because he wants to go home so the best thing I can do is listen to his words that rarely make sense and play along. I know he knows me even if he can't remember my name. What I see in his eyes when an old friend visits him makes up for what he can't verbalize. I can imagine touch does something similar and replaces words he can't come up with no matter how hard he tries to say what is on his mind.
My friend isn't the only person in the memory care facility that benefits from touch. A former music teacher is also in the same place and she always wants to hold my hand for a few minuets when I see her in the dining room. Sweet lady. Sometimes she is with it and some days are not as good. I believe there is an emotional connection to a deeper level of the brain and maybe the brain stem, which is the last part of the brain to fail with most memory care clients.
edit to add
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 21, 2019 6:11:19 GMT -5
I think it's so unfortunate that most men are socialized (I think) that non-sexual touch is unmanly. They may also be concerned about what may be non-sexual touches being misinterpreted as sexual and getting sued or fired, which is also unfortunate. We need to raise all of our children to be more comfortable with appropriate, non-sexual touches. I think this is more of an issue that hurts men than women, who are socialized to hug more. I agree. Reading that article theexplorer posted above was interesting and also made me sad. It’s so true. It made me think about two of my brothers-in-law; in that family they were raised to give a fleeting peck on/near the cheek when saying hello. I’m a hugger. So every single time I see them I give them a hug and they give me a crappy air kiss. The awkwardness is palpable and it makes me laugh. It also makes me sad for them that there are no hugs in that family. They are definitely two examples of the platonic-touch deprived men referred to in the article.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 21, 2019 7:27:14 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 21, 2019 21:02:25 GMT -5
Thank you for posting this! Being a stay at home dad ( raising 4 boys and 2 girls) I couldn't agree more with everything in this article. Add to that a SM, and a refuser, I felt like I was blessed with the knowledge and gift of touch and only the dog to share it with. My divorce (and a new girlfriend) is changing that. It also is/will change how I interact with others and my now adult children.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 22, 2019 10:04:28 GMT -5
I went back and read the article again after reading more of the comments about the haircuts on here. I worked as a barber for a while in my 20s and 30s and I always made sure to damn near caress my clients heads when spraying their hair to get it wet before cutting the top after shearing the sides and back. Or all of it if it was a scissor all over cut. We always did the rinse after to wash away loose hair. I can’t even begin to tell you how many men loved it. It wasn’t sexual at all in nature, but it established a connection so to speak. I’ve always loved rubbing my so’s head and playing with his hair. Not my current roommate. I’ve actually never touched his head. He refuses to even let me cut his hair. He does it himself and it always looks terrible. I do cut most of his friends hair, and his dads hair and our neighbors hair. But that man that married me? I’m not allowed to touch him. Not even for a free, professional haircut. I can’t wait to get out of this weird, ridulous, stupid situation.
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Post by Handy on Mar 22, 2019 14:31:39 GMT -5
Smith227, I loved it when we were first married, my W would give me a trim to make things look neater. It turned me on and we usually had sex when we went to bed.
Right now I would even go for a bad haircut if a woman I liked was into me.
I used to use playing with my W's hair as foreplay and during sex. I could tell that she liked it but it relaxed her more than got her sexually excited.
BTW, you could touch me all over the place IF were were an item.
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 22, 2019 20:12:42 GMT -5
Touch hunger can be sated in many ways as shown by the replies here. I am fortunate in that I have 4 grandchildren local that are touchers. This week I drove 10 hours to visit my nonlocal daughters and my 6 month old grandson. My daughters are huggers and touchers so the baby has learned to accept it. I have been playing with and snuggling him this week. As greeneyedlady72 phrased it on EP in a similar thread "I am filling up my love tank".
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