muzack
Junior Member
Posts: 75
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Post by muzack on Mar 8, 2019 17:17:53 GMT -5
Sorry. It stinks that he wasn't actually "The One". Hopefully he was actually "One who was part of the short road that led me to 'The One'".
Happiness is out there and you will find it. Focus on being a happy, self confident single person who has a great life without "The One".
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 8, 2019 17:33:01 GMT -5
Maybe it will help to not think of finding The One. Not only are there many people we could be compatible with, but our potential compatible partners change as we ourselves evolve. He may have been a good fit as you adjusted to leaving your marriage but may not be now. I also agree with some here who have suggested that now may be a good time to focus on learning about yourself and operating as an independent woman without having to take into account a significant others’ desires. This is something you haven’t had much opportunity to do since you married and had kids so young.
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Post by Handy on Mar 8, 2019 18:36:59 GMT -5
Re: the one.
I don't believe in "The One" but go along with NorthStarMom's idea that there are people less to more compatible to your / our lifestyle.
I know for me just evaluating the compatibility factor among male and female friends, what looks/feels good at first for me is sometimes really not all that tasty water because being super thirsty (needing somethings that were in zero or very short supply) for so long, anything that doesn't hurt us is better than the nothing or next to nothing we experienced for a long time.
After some of the thirst is satisfied we realize the water has issues and will not do long term, so we look for better water and if we find better water, we start thinking about settling down there.
IE some people fill part of a need but not all of a need so we move on and keep looking.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 12, 2019 10:48:20 GMT -5
@ surfergirl sorry to hear that. I feel your pain. I'm still with my guy but I will be the first one to say it hasn't been easy. We both are out of SM it does a number on you for sure. We both came away dragging some heavy baggage. We are both over sensitive and I over analyze everything. I think maybe both being from the same shit hole makes it easier to understand why we are sabatoging things. He is not a comunicato but I force us to. I will say after getting out and starting over I am so worried about making sure that I'm not settling for less than I deserve. But no one is perfect and he goes over and above if I point something out. A lot of times I have to bounce issues off my best friend because I have issues judging if I'm making an issue where there isn't one. You will get there you will find your person. We will just be a work in progress for awhile. Best of luck to you.
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Post by surfergirl on Mar 18, 2019 18:03:36 GMT -5
Not to add to the drama, but I thought I'd update this post and say that the breakup with the psychiatrist was brief. We got back together post-haste. And slow down shamwow ? LOL Yesterday, we went SKYDIVING! I freaking jumped out of an airplane. None of my kids believed me. But I did it. I am looking at fear in the face and JUMPING. It's funny, because the people who know me best NEVER believed I would actually do it, but you guys on this forum think I'm ballsy and 110 mph. Anyone on the edge? I'm so HAPPY I said HELL YES to my life!
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Post by baza on Mar 18, 2019 21:16:59 GMT -5
I feel like I am at Flushing Meadows observing the tennis Sister surfergirl . Watching an endless rally that goes on from one end of the court to the other, back and forth, to and fro. But that skydiving interlude reads like a real hoot.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 18, 2019 21:29:15 GMT -5
Not to add to the drama, but I thought I'd update this post and say that the breakup with the psychiatrist was brief. We got back together post-haste. And slow down shamwow ? LOL Yesterday, we went SKYDIVING! I freaking jumped out of an airplane. None of my kids believed me. But I did it. I am looking at fear in the face and JUMPING. It's funny, because the people who know me best NEVER believed I would actually do it, but you guys on this forum think I'm ballsy and 110 mph. Anyone on the edge? I'm so HAPPY I said HELL YES to my life!I'm glad to see you're moving forward, but I still stand by my perspective of slowing it down a tad.
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Post by surfergirl on Mar 18, 2019 22:48:18 GMT -5
shamwow -- For our next date, we shall go canoeing in your honor. On a serious note, I was in one relationship for 24 years, a virgin on my wedding night, and a stay-at-home homeschooling mother for 20 years-- hardly a picture of instability.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 19, 2019 7:52:28 GMT -5
shamwow -- For our next date, we shall go canoeing in your honor. On a serious note, I was in one relationship for 24 years, a virgin on my wedding night, and a stay-at-home homeschooling mother for 20 years-- hardly a picture of instability. I was also in one relationship over the course of 22 years. A virgin when I met her, etc... I've skydived, bungee jumped, owned an ultralight, ran marathons / ultra marathons, totaled a motorcycle, even canoeing... All lots of fun (except for the motorcycle part - that hurt). But adrenal highs only last so long. My point to you isn't about skydiving per-se (which is fun as hell). My point is that after observing your posts for over a year, there seems to be a pattern of shooting from the hip, shooting yourself in the foot, and then being decidedly miserable with the results. Slow down...
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 19, 2019 8:42:15 GMT -5
I have mixed feelings about the " slow down" advice. I could use the same advice for myself. My one year divorce anniversary was on March 5th. I am now having more sex with my one person ( in the past 4 months) than I have had in my entire life! Including numerous sexual firsts for the both of us! So.... maybe I should slow down? Maybe not! I also kissed a few frogs along the way. LOL. Had I'd "slowed down" too much I may have missed a very good opportunity. ( To the bold go the prizes) There is the side of me who is still , very worried, very cautious, about giving someone my trust. And the other side that very strongly wants to experience all the benefits of being with someone ,who also needs and wants to give me their trust. I am guessing (hoping... I should say) that their is a lot more behind the scenes to this story? You, shamwow , have shared much of that . ( meeting each other's family, STBX, helping with legal issues, kids sports etc..) All a very important part of the other side of a meaningful relationship! I try to share a lot of that as well. Me and my girlfriend spend time shopping, trimming trees, cleaning, filing taxes, applying for jobs, evicting tenants, cooking, entertaining guests, walks, bike rides, swimming, reading posts on ILIASM, etc... surfergirl briefly mentioned "He is soooo good to me. I've self-sabotaged our relationship a few times, just because my nervous system is used to contempt and abuse." This ^^^ is a part I would like to hear/read more about. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Trusting again, is a HUGE victory!
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Post by shamwow on Mar 19, 2019 9:47:12 GMT -5
I have mixed feelings about the " slow down" advice. I could use the same advice for myself. My one year divorce anniversary was on March 5th. I am now having more sex with my one person ( in the past 4 months) than I have had in my entire life! Including numerous sexual firsts for the both of us! So.... maybe I should slow down? Maybe not! I also kissed a few frogs along the way. LOL. Had I'd "slowed down" too much I may have missed a very good opportunity. ( To the bold go the prizes) There is the side of me who is still , very worried, very cautious, about giving someone my trust. And the other side that very strongly wants to experience all the benefits of being with someone ,who also needs and wants to give me their trust. I am guessing (hoping... I should say) that their is a lot more behind the scenes to this story? You, shamwow , have shared much of that . ( meeting each other's family, STBX, helping with legal issues, kids sports etc..) All a very important part of the other side of a meaningful relationship! I try to share a lot of that as well. Me and my girlfriend spend time shopping, trimming trees, cleaning, filing taxes, applying for jobs, evicting tenants, cooking, entertaining guests, walks, bike rides, swimming, reading posts on ILIASM, etc... surfergirl briefly mentioned "He is soooo good to me. I've self-sabotaged our relationship a few times, just because my nervous system is used to contempt and abuse." This ^^^ is a part I would like to hear/read more about. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Trusting again, is a HUGE victory! Coastal, if you read back to my comments, I'm not saying one should necessarily slow down on the romance side. You usually HAVE to kiss a few frogs. My case was unusual. My advice to surfer girl is not to slow down on going skydiving. It's to slow down on major life decisions (ie build house 5 down from ex and then you don't like who you see coming and going). Or tell the kids you're leaving then staying then leaving. That kind of shoot from the hip hurts other people, not just yourself. You have had some adventures over the past few months. You've had fun and in retrospect I'm sure you did some stuff perfect and some stuff you might want a do-over. But your decisions primarily impact you and have seemed well considered. My advice to surfer girl to slow down is to avoid the dramatic high and lows she seems to experience. It's really hard to see that from the pinball's perspective. Them whacks of the flipper really hurt sometimes. It fucking sucks to be the pinball. It's easier if one slows things down a tad.
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Post by surfergirl on Mar 19, 2019 12:54:31 GMT -5
Not being disagreeable with your general point.
But I stand by my decision to build on the same street as my ex. It is turning out best for the kids. He travels to his girlfriend's house, so I haven't had the problem of not "liking who I see coming and going". And who cares if I did? It is best for the kids.
Also, prematurely telling the kids was done by my ex, not me. It's true that he "reset" me, but I never told the kids until weeks after the (real) divorce was final.
I'm staying in therapy-- weekly -- and kicked my alcohol habit. That was first.
The second thing I did was date a lot of men at the same time (while being picky about sex). It gave me the confidence that good men aren't scarce. This was key for me because I wasn't overly invested in one person. Now that things have heated up, I've stopped dating around, but I have a strong network to fall back on if things go south (not that I am planning it to). I'm not sure how or why....but this was the key for me. It put me in the driver's seat, so to speak, instead of the beggar position like I was in my marriage.
My new boyfriend took me to a strip club for my birthday....lol....and I realized a few things about myself-- that I didn't like being in the "lower" position as a customer, and that I am really enjoying my confidence as a woman who is a prize. He loved watching all the women hit on me, so I liked that. But I really like that all the power to change is inside of my head and in my control. I am beautiful and worth having, and just because my ex didn't appreciate that doesn't mean all high-value men agree.
There's more. But that's all I have time for now.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 19, 2019 20:37:41 GMT -5
The image I have of you surfergirl is a canned snake. When you open the top and snake comes flying out, I think that is you. You are flying out and free and enjoying your life. I'm happy for you.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 20, 2019 0:40:54 GMT -5
shamwow -- For our next date, we shall go canoeing in your honor. On a serious note, I was in one relationship for 24 years, a virgin on my wedding night, and a stay-at-home homeschooling mother for 20 years-- hardly a picture of instability. Glad you're having fun. Since you spent so many years married and tied to kids and homeschooling, though, you might consider spending a bit more time playing the field and meeting lots of people. And I agree with shamwow. Give yourself time to see how things work out with different people. You've done so much stuff in a very short period of time. Though you're obviously a high achiever, I think it's impossible for anyone to get perspective on long-term outcomes based on short- term experiences. Unless there's some reason to rush back into a marriage, my inclination would be to mess around, have fun, and live without goals for a while. That may be impossible for you, but try it. You might like it, and might benefit from it too!
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