The shifting of the sums
Feb 21, 2019 12:34:45 GMT -5
via mobile
DryCreek, solodriver, and 5 more like this
Post by workingonit on Feb 21, 2019 12:34:45 GMT -5
Hi all. I have not given an update lately so thought I would vent a bit and give an update at the same time.
My son, who is 15 and suffers from mental illness, has taken a turn for the worse. Drug use, police and state involvement, suicidality, etc. Without details I am sure you can at least somewhat fill in the gaps. Just picture absolute hell and you will get how I am doing right now.
It is interesting that before this latest crisis my h and I were on the same page- marriage cannot be saved, lets build new dynamic so we can both be there for kids, plan on selling house and divorcing next summer/fall when oldest son is in college. He moved to guest bedroom. Relationship has been pleasant and similar to always but there was a relief that we were not pretending to have something we don't.
Now the current crisis is making me redo my "sums" as baza would say. I cannot put energy into divorce right now. I cannot sell this house right now. I cannot further destabilize my 15 year old.
Also, I cannot put energy into a new relationship- I am not even interested.
My son's issues are not short term. I know that I will not give up my life for him forever. But I also know that right now it is the right decision to stay with my h (as we are now- not trying to fix our marriage). He is not entirely helpful but just having another body in the house to check on my son and not leave him alone is critical right now.
I think the admission that we are over has taken the charge out of co parenting together. My h has been able to talk about how triggered he is and always has been by my son. He has been able to admit he has left me to deal with everything and has sincerely apologized. I was able to forgive him (sort of). We have been talking things out about my son, trying to make decisions together (sort of). He still puts it all on me but just acknowledging that truth makes me respond without anger.
My ultimate sum is the same- this marriage as a marriage is over. But we will stay in this roomate/ business relationship until either my son is stable enough to handle it or he is old enough to handle it. I don't know when this will be. I just know that mothering is my #1 reality right now.
I am still on the forum everday, making a few comments, etc. I draw strength from all of you and feel empowered to choose and live my best life when I am here. Thanks all!
My son, who is 15 and suffers from mental illness, has taken a turn for the worse. Drug use, police and state involvement, suicidality, etc. Without details I am sure you can at least somewhat fill in the gaps. Just picture absolute hell and you will get how I am doing right now.
It is interesting that before this latest crisis my h and I were on the same page- marriage cannot be saved, lets build new dynamic so we can both be there for kids, plan on selling house and divorcing next summer/fall when oldest son is in college. He moved to guest bedroom. Relationship has been pleasant and similar to always but there was a relief that we were not pretending to have something we don't.
Now the current crisis is making me redo my "sums" as baza would say. I cannot put energy into divorce right now. I cannot sell this house right now. I cannot further destabilize my 15 year old.
Also, I cannot put energy into a new relationship- I am not even interested.
My son's issues are not short term. I know that I will not give up my life for him forever. But I also know that right now it is the right decision to stay with my h (as we are now- not trying to fix our marriage). He is not entirely helpful but just having another body in the house to check on my son and not leave him alone is critical right now.
I think the admission that we are over has taken the charge out of co parenting together. My h has been able to talk about how triggered he is and always has been by my son. He has been able to admit he has left me to deal with everything and has sincerely apologized. I was able to forgive him (sort of). We have been talking things out about my son, trying to make decisions together (sort of). He still puts it all on me but just acknowledging that truth makes me respond without anger.
My ultimate sum is the same- this marriage as a marriage is over. But we will stay in this roomate/ business relationship until either my son is stable enough to handle it or he is old enough to handle it. I don't know when this will be. I just know that mothering is my #1 reality right now.
I am still on the forum everday, making a few comments, etc. I draw strength from all of you and feel empowered to choose and live my best life when I am here. Thanks all!
