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Post by RumRunner on Feb 15, 2019 20:47:11 GMT -5
A few years ago, I came to ILIASM and read all the great posts that people were writing when it was on EP. Since then, I have come and gone but always come back to here.
My mood tonight is pretty low, it happens sometimes when you realize your life is s**t. That's not saying my wife is bad by no means, she just has absolutely no romantic desire at all. We don't celebrate Valentines Day, and haven't for many many years! Our marriage has now been sexless for 18 years as of yesterday! There is no changing it, that part of our marriage is dead and decomposed to dust years ago. I did meet a lady from here, but after a period of time and having met her twice; we decided it would be better if we were only friends, and truthfully I was okay with that. I had discovered that affairs are not for me, and I realize that I would never be able to make a woman happy after all this time. It is great when you can think you can do all these sexy things that you really would love to do, but when it comes to practice; fail miserably. So.... that leads me to acceptance of my current situation.
Acceptance is probably one of the hardest things to do. But the realization of knowing that starting over would be too daunting of a challenge. Starting over would be financially catastrophic for both the spouse and I, and I wouldn't want my spouse to struggle anyway. Also, starting over would mean when you do get with someone else, you have to learn all the habits they have, good and bad and vice versa (I have plenty of bad habits of my own!) . You will find things won't be perfect there either. Truth is, no relationship is perfect! Ever! I think the key to any successful relationship though is compromise and the willingness to make it work; even if it is a sexless relationship. (These are just my thoughts)
I have chosen to keep myself busy with hobbies in order to stay sane. Sometimes that approach works really well! Having the ability to be alone with nature while on an adventure somewhere is probably one of the best coping tools I have. I am glad I have such time to be able to do just that!
Best wishes to everyone here.....
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Post by baza on Feb 15, 2019 21:26:18 GMT -5
You posted the following in April 2016 Brother RumRunner . "To dream is to be unrealistic. To hope for something better in life is a dream, a fantasy. So why dream in the first place if you will only to be disappointed? My whole married life has been a disappointment. So why do I feel so ashamed? Maybe sex is a dirty little deed that I need to remove from my screwed up little head. I think that maybe I have expected too much from a partner. I know I probably should resign to my fate and live this celibate life to the death because I don’t see any hope of this ever changing. After 30 years, I think I am too screwed up to change anything anyway"So really, your position has remained pretty consistent. Todays post reads very similar to that of nearly 3 years ago. Actually, you've moved from - "resigning yourself to your fate" (in April 2016) to "accepting the situation" (in February 2019) which is actually a bit of a leap forward. To some extent at least, you've taken ownership of your choice to stay....and taking ownership of your choice (whatever that choice is) is a good thing. Good to see you checking in again RumRunner .
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Post by carl on Feb 16, 2019 6:50:54 GMT -5
There always has to be a plan B. I am guessing plan A for most would be to find a better relationship. But there are those who like yourself wouldn’t be certain enough of a good outcome. Equally it depends on how much damage one would cause by leaving. I think that if there is a lot of stress and disruption over a separation then the new relationship already has to fight from a weak spot. And so a new partner would be in a tough situation from the start. I stay and accept mainly. Due to circumstances. The difference now though is that I do get momentary glimpses of a different feeling where I could move on. Did you ever feel at any time you could move on ?
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Post by baza on Feb 16, 2019 7:41:33 GMT -5
I think there's something to keep in mind here.... If the case to leave does not stand up all by itself (that is to say that you feel you'd be better off single than you are in your ILIASM deal) then the leaving option is probably a non-starter.
There is not - and cannot be - any guarantee about a future relationship in your life. That's an entirely different issue to the stay/leave choice.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 16, 2019 11:38:59 GMT -5
FWIW I decided to divorce when I realized I’d be happier permanently single and sexless than remaining in my sm. I believe that unless a person feels that way they should remain in their sm. Divorce doesn’t guarantee sex or a compatible partner.
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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 17, 2019 3:45:27 GMT -5
From my experience, Baza is right. I found out that until I left and re-discovered my true self, I wasn't in a place to meet anyone else. For me, being single, free and sexless far outweighs the misery of my abusive SM. But I suspect if my ex had been reasonable and not abusive I may well have chosen to stay. Acceptance of the situation is key, as is self awareness. And loving yourself enough to be happy whatever your choice is.
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mar615
New Member
It has been a long time since I have been here and posted. I am still in a SM, going on 4 years!
Posts: 8
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Post by mar615 on Feb 22, 2019 18:43:34 GMT -5
What makes me sad is when I watch loving couples on TV or in real life who show loving affection for each other. I don't feel that way at all right now. I know H is trying but I can't seem to get past all the past hurts and being so angry with him that I lose respect for him. I even asked my H once if watching sex on TV shows (The Americans, for example) if it makes him feel bad about the Peyronies and that we aren't having sex. He always says yes. But he will NEVER bring it up. I am the one who has to drag it out of him. The experts say that communication is crucial. They are correct. And one sided communication sucks even more.
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Post by baza on Feb 22, 2019 19:01:29 GMT -5
"The experts say that communication is crucial" - you note Sister mar615 . And that is completely true. However, if your spouse is communicating something you'd sooner not hear, it is still perfectly true. All communication is not positive. Sometimes (actually quite often in ILIASM situations) your spouse IS communicating very clearly with you by their actions / inactions. But it is not what you want to hear. It is not positive and inclusive. Indeed it is rather unpalatable and upsetting. But it's true.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 23, 2019 21:26:44 GMT -5
I stay for the same reasons. It would be devastating financially for both of us. I agree with you about a new mate too. I know him and his habits. There’s comfort in that. Also there is an odd thing, I like the way he smells.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 23, 2019 21:47:29 GMT -5
A few years ago, I came to ILIASM and read all the great posts that people were writing when it was on EP. Since then, I have come and gone but always come back to here.
My mood tonight is pretty low, it happens sometimes when you realize your life is s**t. That's not saying my wife is bad by no means, she just has absolutely no romantic desire at all. We don't celebrate Valentines Day, and haven't for many many years! Our marriage has now been sexless for 18 years as of yesterday! There is no changing it, that part of our marriage is dead and decomposed to dust years ago. I did meet a lady from here, but after a period of time and having met her twice; we decided it would be better if we were only friends, and truthfully I was okay with that. I had discovered that affairs are not for me, and I realize that I would never be able to make a woman happy after all this time. It is great when you can think you can do all these sexy things that you really would love to do, but when it comes to practice; fail miserably. So.... that leads me to acceptance of my current situation.
Acceptance is probably one of the hardest things to do. But the realization of knowing that starting over would be too daunting of a challenge. Starting over would be financially catastrophic for both the spouse and I, and I wouldn't want my spouse to struggle anyway. Also, starting over would mean when you do get with someone else, you have to learn all the habits they have, good and bad and vice versa (I have plenty of bad habits of my own!) . You will find things won't be perfect there either. Truth is, no relationship is perfect! Ever! I think the key to any successful relationship though is compromise and the willingness to make it work; even if it is a sexless relationship. (These are just my thoughts)
I have chosen to keep myself busy with hobbies in order to stay sane. Sometimes that approach works really well! Having the ability to be alone with nature while on an adventure somewhere is probably one of the best coping tools I have. I am glad I have such time to be able to do just that!
Best wishes to everyone here.....
I'm in the same boat as you. 20 years in a SM and my refuser has completely shut down that part of our relationship for the duration for her own selfish reasons. The difference is once I accepted that my refuser wife wasn't going to change so we could both possibly have a happier life at this age, I decided I wasn't going to spend the next 10+ years of my life alone in a SM without giving myself a fighting chance to have another sexually and romantically fulfilling relationship before it's too late for me. Getting divorced is probably going to be very hard on me financially but hopefully if I can find someone whom I can love and loves me back, that my financial situation can be worked out. But if I stay I will NEVER have a chance of experiencing the love, romance and sexual connection that I'm so deeply need to be filled. Separating and divorcing will at least give me the HOPE that it can happen.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 20, 2019 22:39:07 GMT -5
RumRunner you say you feel that you couldn't make another woman happy if you divorced and tried to make a go of it with someone new. Why do you believe that? How do you know? Just wondering.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 24, 2019 10:58:31 GMT -5
RumRunner and any man who is getting older and out of practice so long that they couldn't now. My bf also out of a SM he found out when he finally could have sex that things didn't work like they used to. But guess what there are pills for that and they work great and fast forward the bottle now just sits in the drawer doesn't even need it. Not even for multiple times a day or late at night. That being said there is a lot to be said for affection I think we enjoy that just as much And even not being in a relationship beats being rejected by someone you married.
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Post by RumRunner on Mar 25, 2019 20:49:12 GMT -5
RumRunner you say you feel that you couldn't make another woman happy if you divorced and tried to make a go of it with someone new. Why do you believe that? How do you know? Just wondering. It had been many years since I had done anything, and when I had the chance with a one and only affair, it just didn't work out for many reasons. Having this one experience convinced me that I am too old and too much time has passed. This is why I say that.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 25, 2019 21:01:06 GMT -5
Run runner said: “It had been many years since I had done anything, and when I had the chance with a one and only affair, it just didn't work out for many reasons. Having this one experience convinced me that I am too old and too much time has passed. This is why I say that.”
When I divorced, i was 61, married for 34 years, completely sexless for 8 straight years and for many other individual years. To my surprise, I ended up in a sexy romance that has now lasted 6 years. One can’t predoct the future. An unsuccessful brief affair doesn’t mean you can n bet make a woman happy or, more importantly, the right woman won’t make you happy.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 26, 2019 9:34:35 GMT -5
RumRunner you say you feel that you couldn't make another woman happy if you divorced and tried to make a go of it with someone new. Why do you believe that? How do you know? Just wondering. It had been many years since I had done anything, and when I had the chance with a one and only affair, it just didn't work out for many reasons. Having this one experience convinced me that I am too old and too much time has passed. This is why I say that. Dude. You are younger than I am. Would you tell ME to give up on ever having sex again?
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