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Post by smith227 on Feb 15, 2019 20:29:22 GMT -5
I’m at a loss. I recently moved into the guest room and my husband seems relieved? I have an exit plan in place, but it’s gping to take several months to prevent being homeless, which is fine. I’ve done this for a while now. The thing is, today my husband told me that the reason there’s no sex or affection or intimacy is bc he’s always on pins and needles bc he doesn’t know what to expect for me. This came after I moved a table in the living room today. A few days ago a guy that he works with left him a vinyl record at the door in the middle of the night, which I thought was weird. We stay up late and were up when he left t at the door. Why couldn’t he knock? Well, my husband was fucking giddy. Then he proudly displayed it on a table in the living room. He didn’t put it away with all his other records, he displayed it on a table like he’d just been given fresh flowers. I actually have made my living as an artist for most of my life. I have painted this man at least 10 pieces. None had made it to a wall or at the very least A TABLE. All have laid where I gave them to him until, I threw all of them away last month. He never even noticed. But a guy he works with leave him a record on the doorstep? My God that must be displayed. So, I took the whole table down. Which lead to the talk of how I’m the reason. He doesn’t know what he’s going to get with me, so he doesn’t try. Evidently all of his previous relationships were FLUSH with sex, affection and intimacy, so it’s just specific to me. I tried to talk but he’s a spin doctor, and I don’t play that game anymore. It ended with him saying he’s going to message my ex on Facebook to talk with him about my behavior. Sorry, if this is unreadable and rambling. I should go back and edit, but I don’t have it in me right now.
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Post by smith227 on Feb 15, 2019 20:38:08 GMT -5
Just to be clear I’m not why chasing, I know I need to get divorced, and that this man is not a part of my future. I’m just frustrated that he’s adding insult to injury at this point and am trying to cope for the time being.
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Post by baza on Feb 15, 2019 21:07:13 GMT -5
Your course is set Sister smith227 . Your role is to make your choices based on what is in your longer term best interests. What he does is not particularly relevant to you at this point. Of course what he can make relevant is to be an obstructive adversarial prick through the process, and make your life as difficult as he can. But that can only work to the extent that you allow. His boyfriend left him a record ? So what ? Irrelevant. He is going to message your ex on farcebook ? So what ? Irrelevant You are in 'coping' mode presently. Save your 'copes' for things that you can control (your exit stategy etc etc etc) Don't waste your 'copes' on him or his strange behaviours (you can't do anything about them anyway). Keep at it Sister. This is all about you now. He has behaved his way straight into irrelevancy.
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Post by smith227 on Feb 15, 2019 21:58:10 GMT -5
Yeah, I wish I would have just posted on here before I moved the table to another room just so I could put the precious record away. It’s just so damn insulting. I get that I shouldn’t care, I get that his actions are no longer relevant to my situation and usually I’m very good at staying neutral at this point. I can even hang out with him and laugh and joke around, then retire to my separate bedroom. We watch tv together, I still cook for him when I cook for myself. I’m actually quite impressed with how good I’ve been dealing with this, but it reaches a breaking point sometimes. I’ll find a better way to deal with it from now on. Thanks for chiming in Baza.
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Post by sadkat on Feb 15, 2019 23:20:42 GMT -5
You’re in a challenging environment right now and you can’t expect to let everything roll off your back. Some of the things he will say and do will really hurt you. It’s human nature and I’m sure he knows you well enough to know what buttons to push. Try not to let it get to you too much and give yourself some love and care over the next few days. I’m sending virtual hugs your way and hope you have a better day tomorrow!
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 15, 2019 23:21:19 GMT -5
Dayum! Just, wow. It is amazing what we see when we finally look. What a gift he had in you.
Congratulations on moving forward. Some day, soon, you are going to know what it is like to be appreciated.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 16, 2019 10:44:37 GMT -5
From everything I experienced and read they all seem to be master manipulators. Good at making it our fault. I've left and he wants me back he messages me he knows it's his fault but then claims he didn't know I felt like that and blames me for not trying harder and not being willing to try again. It never changes What needs to change is you taking anything he says to heart. You are leaving. It's over it no longer matters who's fault it is. You know your truth let his words roll off. And on another note... Are you sure he's not gay? On the down low. I think a man leaving another man a gift on the door step a little odd and him acting like a school girl a red flag. Just food for thought.
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Post by smith227 on Feb 16, 2019 12:16:12 GMT -5
From everything I experienced and read they all seem to be master manipulators. Good at making it our fault. I've left and he wants me back he messages me he knows it's his fault but then claims he didn't know I felt like that and blames me for not trying harder and not being willing to try again. It never changes What needs to change is you taking anything he says to heart. You are leaving. It's over it no longer matters who's fault it is. You know your truth let his words roll off. And on another note... Are you sure he's not gay? On the down low. I think a man leaving another man a gift on the door step a little odd and him acting like a school girl a red flag. Just food for thought. Yes, I’m pretty confident he is gay. It would kill his parents, so he tends to keep a wife. I’m his second marriage but before his first one he had a very special male roommate who tragically died from complications of type 1 diabetes. I know this bc my husband has kept everything thebild roommate owned and made a room in the house a memorial room to him complete with a shrine. There’s also a dresser in the room full of the roommate’s T-shirt’s, underwear, and and old cum rag I found. I mentioned that maybe that was his boyfriend once and was met with emotion I’ve never seen out of my husband. Complete with him telling me he should beat the shit out of me for even mentioning something like that. Who knows? I don’t care anymore.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 16, 2019 12:52:52 GMT -5
This " shrine" (as you so accurately labeled it) sounds like a huge red flag! Some things are acceptable and healthy to keep as memories. It's when they become front and center idols ,and a controler values memories over reality, it's time to get out and run!! Physical abuse (threats) are also major red flags!! Not something to EVER be taken lightly. Document it and move forward towards escaping.
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Post by tirefire on Feb 17, 2019 18:21:27 GMT -5
"There’s also a dresser in the room full of the roommate’s T-shirt’s, underwear, and and old cum rag I found." In your house? Wth? That feels more than just gay, it's on the weird/creepy side. I'd accelerate that leaving process as much as possible.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Feb 17, 2019 23:44:48 GMT -5
smith227, have you ever talked to his ex wife and gotten her side of the story about what their marriage was like and why they split up? (Also, curious what she thought about the shrine to the old roommate.) Might be interesting perspective/food for thought.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 18, 2019 8:38:26 GMT -5
smith227, have you ever talked to his ex wife and gotten her side of the story about what their marriage was like and why they split up? (Also, curious what she thought about the shrine to the old roommate.) Might be interesting perspective/food for thought. I'd be less inclined to get the scoop on the old boyfriend / item of worship and more inclined to know how he fights a divorce. Look forward, not backward.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 18, 2019 8:58:43 GMT -5
Smith237 said: “Evidently all of his previous relationships were FLUSH with sex, affection and intimacy, so it’s just specific to me.”
You’ll be happier if you assume he is lying about his previous sex life. You also probably will be accurate.
Focus on your future happiness after you no longer have to live with him.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Feb 18, 2019 12:17:35 GMT -5
smith227, have you ever talked to his ex wife and gotten her side of the story about what their marriage was like and why they split up? (Also, curious what she thought about the shrine to the old roommate.) Might be interesting perspective/food for thought. I'd be less inclined to get the scoop on the old boyfriend / item of worship and more inclined to know how he fights a divorce. Look forward, not backward. Good point shamwow about looking forward. Not that smith227 needs any further justification for leaving, but knowing a little more history could be helpful to understanding that it’s NOT her (referring to the title of her thread and her OP). Husband is likely repeating old patterns. Sometimes a little validation can be helpful. And, as you point out, knowing how he fights a divorce could be helpful. What the ex divulges could point to areas to be cautious of.
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Post by twotimesone on Feb 21, 2019 10:53:50 GMT -5
I always get excuses from my W. I seem to be the first person to hear that she is on her period. The other day she accused me of buying the tissues that I did not approve of. I told her that I didn't buy this and she was apparently pissed of the tone. Not that I care anymore.
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