|
Post by choosinghappy on Apr 12, 2019 6:11:00 GMT -5
Good for you elynne! Go show him once again that you are not the doormat he had previously been treating you as. I just reread DryCreek’s great advice in the comment above. Seems like really good reminders before you meet for mediation. Good luck! For your sake I hope today is the end of it but if not, stick to your guns!
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Apr 12, 2019 9:59:23 GMT -5
You go girl!! Stay strong.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Apr 12, 2019 15:12:00 GMT -5
I stood my ground. I stayed calm, reasonable and focused. I didn’t let his tirades and personal attacks fluster me.
We have the rudiments of an agreement in place. He wants to get a personal adviser to look it over.
I have the feeling that of the two professionals in our mediation sessions - the actual mediator is a bit of a waste of space. She doesn’t add much to the conversation and tends to react in a way that acknowledges and justifies STBX’s ridiculous statements. (He insisted on 50-50 custody of our children. But then thinks it’s unfair and imbalances that he is responsible for the children 50% of the time?!!!!) I should take them when it’s too much for him or if they are sick. And I should do all the dentist, doctor, hair appointments. The teacher conference. I should help him out with kid’s sporting events on his weekends but not vice versa. Whatever, dude.
So the mediator asks “what would make that feel less imbalanced for you?”
He goes into a spiel about how unfair it is. How he has to work and earn money for everyone and then has responsibilities on top of it. And maybe he has to work less. He’ll go to a 70% or 80% work week- unless I take the children if they’re sick during his weeks.
I said very matter of factly - you wanted 50% custody (Least expensive option for him). But if you can’t handle it then we can revisit that. What would work better for you? 30-70? 40-60?
And if you go to working 3 days a week, if the kids are sick on one of your work days you still have the same problem to solve.
He had tried a version of this threat before: “Divorce me and I’ll stop working altogether. Then you want get anything.”
I didn’t bite. Offered to rearrange custody. He dropped it.
I have a sense that the finance guy sees through all the STBX’s bullying, playing the victim, and berating me and thinks that STBX is a major dickwad. (He is). I catch him giving me sympathetic glances and small tight-lipped embarrassed smiles.
In three more weeks - one more meeting. If he’s not willing to come to accept my terms he can see how lucky he is with a judge.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Apr 12, 2019 16:21:30 GMT -5
High five, elynne - you did excellent! Fantastic that you had a finance guy in the room, and I agree the mediator doesn’t seem to be adding much value. Perhaps, doing her job to find a common ground, not necessarily a fair split. (I seem to recall hearing this about mediators before.) A finer detail to be wary of in the math... look at the tax liability attached to the assets you split. E.g., something that is tax-deferred will have taxes due on it later, so it’s not all “spendable” money; maybe not by a lot. This is a common thing for retirement accounts in the US. It can also happen with real estate investing. You’ll have to ask local advisors, of course; you just want to avoid the case where you take one $100K account and he takes another, only to find that his was tax-free and yours will lose a big chunk to taxes later. Good work!
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Apr 12, 2019 16:53:55 GMT -5
Elynne said: "I stood my ground. I stayed calm, reasonable and focused. I didn’t let his tirades and personal attacks fluster me. "
WTG! You have come a very long way in how you respond to your infuriating husband!
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Apr 12, 2019 23:02:03 GMT -5
Elynne said: "I stood my ground. I stayed calm, reasonable and focused. I didn’t let his tirades and personal attacks fluster me. " WTG! You have come a very long way in how you respond to your infuriating husband! I credit a very good therapist for helping me to heal the painful spots that the stbx used to use to manipulate me. Early on in this process, a wise woman ( northstarmom) recommended a good therapist. The one I’m with now, ironically because the STBX was pulling some weird manipulation- “if you don’t switch therapists, I’ll divorce you,” has been instrumental in my calm and in control state of mind. When I first went to her I was in complete distress. I spent 80 to 90% of my waking hours thinking about my marriage, worrying about the stbx and his reactions to everything. I was walking around in a constant state of worry/fear/anxiety. Once the papers are actually on their way to the court I can speak a little more freely - but for now I’d just like to say that life is good. I’ve had a very long period where I’ve been like a field laying fallow. This difficult phase of working towards a reasonable settlement with a narcissist is like the hard work of plowing the field, tilling the soil. I’m almost ready to plant.
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Apr 13, 2019 1:43:46 GMT -5
Glad you are almost there!
|
|
|
Post by elynne on May 4, 2019 12:06:35 GMT -5
Glad you are almost there! A little update: STBX and I came to an agreement yesterday!!! The mediator is drawing up the contract. We’ll both have our advisors review it and then if all goes well - within 4 weeks we sign it and it gets sent to the court. 6 weeks later we’re divorced!!!! Today the stbx pulled some new crap. He said - I forgot x. That’s €7,000 that you still need to contribute towards x this year. So instead of getting €30,000 you’ll get 23,000. I just said, “No. I’m not discussing this with you outside of mediation. I accepted the bare bones of what I need. If you start trying to whittle it down we’ll end up breaking our agreement. I’m not doing that. We can discuss it with mediators present.” We had an agreement. Done and dusted. If you forgot something- that was your mistake. Live with it. Motherfucker has a good job, earns a lot of money, keeps the house and guesthouse and meadow on the river. I’m bound to a small town where I can’t work in my old field, I’ll be hustling my ass off to create income. Quibbling over 7k that I desperately need to get back on my feet - fuck off.
|
|
|
Post by jim44444 on May 5, 2019 18:53:14 GMT -5
Standard negotiating tactic by assholes. Once you get an agreement comeback for something extra. They hope the other party is tired of the hassle and will agree to give up something.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on May 6, 2019 12:40:24 GMT -5
Standard negotiating tactic by assholes. Once you get an agreement comeback for something extra. They hope the other party is tired of the hassle and will agree to give up something. I had the gut reaction of - oh! That’s unfair! He even sent a letter to the mediators saying he wanted the extra 7k. I gave it a day and replied - saying I wasn’t going to discuss this point with Stbx without additional guidance from the mediators. But needless to say I had a different opinion on the matter than stbx. I’ll see if they reply - but my opinion - the agreement was a package deal. It’s not acceptable to try to change things piecemeal afterwards.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on May 6, 2019 13:11:37 GMT -5
Elynne said" " I’ll see if they reply - but my opinion - the agreement was a package deal. It’s not acceptable to try to change things piecemeal afterwards."
You are right. Meanwhile, I'm concerned that you seem to have accepted a bare minimum settlement in the deal that was agreed to. That was unfair to yourself. Consider taking your h's move as an opportunity to up what you will get in the settlement. This not only would be fighting fire with fire, it would be giving you more of a settlement that would be fair to you instead of a settlement that is unfair and forces you to have to go through the stress of squeezing every nickel. Keep in mind that right now, you may have good health, but that's not guaranteed for the future. Get a settlement that you know you can live on even if health or other problems happen.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on May 6, 2019 16:33:15 GMT -5
Standard negotiating tactic by assholes. Once you get an agreement comeback for something extra. They hope the other party is tired of the hassle and will agree to give up something. elynne Elynne I definitely would not make any off the cuff sidebar agreements with your stbx. I imagine he's hoping to catch you in an unguarded moment. I haven't followed your situation closely, so I'm not certain, but doesnt your attorney or financial advisor have to be present, even in mediation sessions? My view-and again I haven't read everything so forgive me-but if a lawyer didn't say it or write it, it didn't happen. I'm afraid you're so worried about being fair that you might give in and give him the farm. I'm glad you have a therapist though, who hopefully will advise you against that.
|
|