|
Post by carl on Mar 2, 2019 22:14:00 GMT -5
angeleyes65 and carl, I have managed to stay in contact with and on friendly terms with my past lovers. I only fell in love once. It nearly killed me to end the relationship. He is a widower. The odds were against me, I don’t believe he felt the same love I did. I did what I had to do. He still contacts me every few months to see how I am. Twice we have met to walk in a beautiful place and talk. It’s as if no time has passed, the companionship is so comfortable. He does not love me but he likes me and enjoys talking to me. I’ll take that and treasure it. rhapsodee I imagine it must have been quite painful to end that relationship but it sounds like you have a good companionship left. I kind of assume really that companionship is a safer ground when I am in a sexless marriage because it’s more sustainable. There’s no real reason you’d have to break it and if you did you can sort of go back to it easier.
|
|
|
Post by njsojourner on Mar 25, 2019 6:18:19 GMT -5
I, too, tried everything with my wife to move our sexless marriage back to the way it used to be years ago. After years of frustration, sadness, anger and confusion, I came to accept it will never change. Other than the lack of sex, we have a pretty good life together. We have great kids and grandchildren, we travel together, talk, laugh, and generally have a solid marriage...except for the lack of physical intimacy. After therapy I came to accept it is what it is. But I also knew I was not ready to end my sex life. I began exploring outsourcing. It took a lot to get me there but away I went. I haven't been this happy in years. I keep it to myself. I am very careful all around. It's not for everyone: I wrestled with my own sense of personal ethics for quite a while. But in the end, for me, the path forward was quite clear. I have found other married women in the same situation and we get each other. I once was with a single lady but after two meetings she was getting too clingy so I ended it. I spent most of life following all the rules--work hard, always do the "right thing," don't make waves in my marriage, etc. This part of my life is for me. Selfish? Perhaps. But if we aren't intended to be fulfilled on this deep personal level then why do we exist? More than two years into my outsourcing, I feel alive again.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Apr 17, 2019 3:39:00 GMT -5
njsojourner, I also started outsourcing, looking specifically for married women. I figured that married women in the same situation would understand, and, married women want different things than single women. They'd also be less likely to make waves in my personal life, since they would have as much to lose. Of course, that all fell apart when I had a weekend trip planned with my long distance AP, I was out of excuses as to why I would be out of town, and my give-a-fuck was broken. The thought of giving that up was far more devastating to me than the thought of blowing up the marriage.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2019 6:59:24 GMT -5
I tried EVERYTHING - therapy, talking to his doctor about his erectile issue (he insists he has no issues), books, forums, crying, screaming, begging, coldness, affection, walking around naked, completely hiding my body.... you name it I tried it. I chose to stay. I chose to accept him as he is. I chose to let go of anger. I chose to take responsibility for my own happiness. My choices have made our marriage companiable. So far, I’m still glad I did. I like my life. I like my husband. I love him. I like having someone to come home to. He gives me freedom to pursue my interests. He is always happy to see me and talk to me. He welcomes me home with a smile when I return from dancing or hiking or some other outing with my girlfriends. I think he suspects that I have a lover but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. He mentioned in passing that I will get past this need of mine and settle down. I know that eventually my body will change and the need for sex will start to become less of an issue. I will have the affection that my husband gives me. I’m very careful to not get involved with any man that I socialize with. I avoid single men, they are too needy. I never tell anyone about my secret life, not even my closest friend. I delete all messages and keep no calendar. When I am with my friends and family, my lover does not exist. When I am with my lover I am all his. Does this make me happy? I’m not unhappy. I am excited and look forward to being with my lover. It fills a void. I still have a longing for a true-love, passionate connection but I know that longing is immature. If I had left I would be living hand to mouth, working full time. I would be out every night in an emotional turmoil trying to find someone to connect with. There is the risk that I will be found out. The longer it goes on the more likely it will happen. 6 years and counting..... I could have written this. Thank you, Rhapsodee for putting into words what I couldn't.
|
|
|
Post by njsojourner on Apr 18, 2019 20:50:56 GMT -5
The challenge for me has been finding women who are not too far away and open to such a relationship. Can't trust many websites so it has been a chore but worth it when it happens. I don't want my marriage to crash and burn but I know I need sex, the warmth and touch of a woman, and the connection no matter how fleeting. That make sit worth the risk.
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Apr 21, 2019 8:04:42 GMT -5
I tried EVERYTHING - therapy, talking to his doctor about his erectile issue (he insists he has no issues), books, forums, crying, screaming, begging, coldness, affection, walking around naked, completely hiding my body.... you name it I tried it. I chose to stay. I chose to accept him as he is. I chose to let go of anger. I chose to take responsibility for my own happiness. My choices have made our marriage companiable. So far, I’m still glad I did. I like my life. I like my husband. I love him. I like having someone to come home to. He gives me freedom to pursue my interests. He is always happy to see me and talk to me. He welcomes me home with a smile when I return from dancing or hiking or some other outing with my girlfriends. I think he suspects that I have a lover but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. He mentioned in passing that I will get past this need of mine and settle down. I know that eventually my body will change and the need for sex will start to become less of an issue. I will have the affection that my husband gives me. I’m very careful to not get involved with any man that I socialize with. I avoid single men, they are too needy. I never tell anyone about my secret life, not even my closest friend. I delete all messages and keep no calendar. When I am with my friends and family, my lover does not exist. When I am with my lover I am all his. Does this make me happy? I’m not unhappy. I am excited and look forward to being with my lover. It fills a void. I still have a longing for a true-love, passionate connection but I know that longing is immature. If I had left I would be living hand to mouth, working full time. I would be out every night in an emotional turmoil trying to find someone to connect with. There is the risk that I will be found out. The longer it goes on the more likely it will happen. 6 years and counting..... I have been away from this board for a while, I just wasn't feeling it anymore. I decided to drop in and this was one of the first things I found that I can completely agree with. I have been with my AP for 6 years as well. Yet, I am still married and I can honestly say I am not "unhappy". It is not a perfect arrangement - but no compromise is - nobody gets everything they want. The best advise I have is to keep EVERYTHING with your AP separate. Separate phone, separate email and scheduled meeting times on a separate calendar. What happens if the affair ends? Well, I'm kind of a slut - so, I would find another fairly soon - it's only about sex anyway. As an aside, I have a new doctor to whom I have confessed my wandering lust. My wife also came to this same doctor who suggested to her she may want an HIV test. She confronted me with it asking why he would suggest it. I told her that in my profession it is only sensible to be tested frequently and that being my partner means she also should get checked. All of which is true, but not the only reason for her to be checked.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2019 9:17:39 GMT -5
Snowman said: “, I have a new doctor to whom I have confessed my wandering lust. My wife also came to this same doctor who suggested to her she may want an HIV test. ”
Assuming that you’ve been tested and are HIV negative why would your wife need to be tested unless she’s having affairs, too? Maybe your wife brought the subject up to you to see if the doctor asked you to get tested and therefore you suspected your wife’s faithfulness.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Apr 21, 2019 11:25:38 GMT -5
snowman12345...My question would be what made the doctor feel free to suggest an HIV test to your W? Did she not think to ask him? If the Dr. was concerned about your W being exposed to an STD he should have 1st spoken to you about it and what you were doing to protect her. If he wasn't satisfied with the answer then he could have spoken with your W.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Apr 21, 2019 13:53:30 GMT -5
This seems to prove a point why having separate doctors is a good idea. That's the case with my refuser and I - we have completely separate doctors in different towns.
|
|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 21, 2019 16:54:48 GMT -5
snowman12345, my lover contacted me today. He screwed up. Royally. He told me that his wife had found the STD screening that he had gotten last summer. He is going dark until he can find a way talk his way out of it. He has been carrying on with other women for 25 out of their 40 year marriage. They just bought a house in Idaho and are moving there at the end of May. His wife has a high paying job as a lecturer and is the major source of their income. She doesn’t need him to support her.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Apr 21, 2019 19:05:03 GMT -5
snowman12345 , my lover contacted me today. He screwed up. Royally. He told me that his wife had found the STD screening that he had gotten last summer. He is going dark until he can find a way talk his way out of it. He has been carrying on with other women for 25 out of their 40 year marriage. They just bought a house in Idaho and are moving there at the end of May. His wife has a high paying job as a lecturer and is the major source of their income. She doesn’t need him to support her. I guess the term "Oh Crap" fits in here.
I bet that tip from the doctor tipped her off (pun intended)
|
|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 21, 2019 21:48:48 GMT -5
baza sorry for the confusion. Bill is a relationship I had before I met my current lover.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Apr 21, 2019 23:27:30 GMT -5
Rhapsodee, that’s awkward. Especially if he tested positive for something he didn’t tell her about. I’ve had an STD panel done at random times when having blood drawn for an annual checkup. No cause for me to need one, but it was kind of like “I’m here, we’re drawing blood for baseline / comparison anyway, let’s see if there’s anything to be learned.” (And wouldn’t it have been awkward if I discovered W had some explaining to do.) W doesn’t have a sense of privacy, so of course she looks at my labs and was curious. My response was simply, “Why not?” Then again, mine was part of a routine checkup; if your AP got just the STD panel at a walk-in lab, that might be harder to explain.
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Apr 24, 2019 7:17:49 GMT -5
Snowman said: “, I have a new doctor to whom I have confessed my wandering lust. My wife also came to this same doctor who suggested to her she may want an HIV test. ” Assuming that you’ve been tested and are HIV negative why would your wife need to be tested unless she’s having affairs, too? Maybe your wife brought the subject up to you to see if the doctor asked you to get tested and therefore you suspected your wife’s faithfulness. In my profession I am exposed to blood and body fluids on a daily basis. I may be exposed and not know it. My wife being an intimate partner (albeit infrequent) she too could be exposed. It is not just a matter of having affairs.
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Apr 24, 2019 7:23:22 GMT -5
snowman12345 , my lover contacted me today. He screwed up. Royally. He told me that his wife had found the STD screening that he had gotten last summer. He is going dark until he can find a way talk his way out of it. He has been carrying on with other women for 25 out of their 40 year marriage. They just bought a house in Idaho and are moving there at the end of May. His wife has a high paying job as a lecturer and is the major source of their income. She doesn’t need him to support her. Unless you specifically state that you want ANY test results mailed to you (or sent by any other means) - it is a HIPPA violation. All tests and visits are protected information. He should talk to his healthcare provider's staff and change any thing that may compromise his privacy.
|
|