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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 12, 2019 0:09:10 GMT -5
baza. Hello, I was waiting for you. No. I have no back up plan. I’ll end up in the same place I would have if I had left. The way I see it, I lose if I stay and I lose if I go. I’ll be 60 in a year and a half. I know my body will change and I will become settled. It’s my world and I’m living in it.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 23, 2019 14:34:52 GMT -5
I don't agree with all affairs get caught I was with my af partner for 6 years. I was careful but I honestly my ex didn't pay much attention to me unless it affected him ... Also I don't think he wanted to know so didn't go out of his way to find out. I don't think he would have left if he would have figured it out anyway unfortunately. But I didn't want him to think I was leaving for someone else I was leaving for me and to get away from the situation I was living in
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Post by baza on Feb 23, 2019 20:55:01 GMT -5
You're right (as far as I know) Sister angeleyes65 that "not all affairs get caught". I was just googling around looking at some stuff and found this on a site called "Bustle" That site reckoned that the odds of getting caught are pretty low - like less than 10% for women and a bit under 20% for blokes. That looks real low to me, but hey, it's on the net so it must be right !!! Of those who do get caught, this www.bustle site reckons that - 39% are outed by their text messages being found 22% are outed by their emails being discovered 20% are outed by lying about their whereabouts 14% by being spotted with the AP somewhere 5% by a friend of your spouse informing on you As I said, not too sure about the credibility of this bustle site.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 23, 2019 21:59:33 GMT -5
@ baza Yeah not saying no one gets caught. In my opinion I don't think the refuser wants to think about sex or that it's a problem. So I think less likely to get caught in a sexless marriage. In my case my ex didn't want a divorce I mean he was happy he had a maid, secretary, cook, accountant and my presence /support in social situations. So I think he purposely didn't Snoop. I will say every once in awhile he would ask me who I was texting. But that was pretty close to the end. Of course I would give a snippy answer and he let it go.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 23, 2019 22:49:53 GMT -5
You know I can't help but wonder how many of us who left just might have stayed if our partners had been willing to accept a "don't ask, don't tell" approach to addressing a SM. Had my X gone along with me having a FWB I might still be married to her. I'm pretty confident I could have kept my emotions in check and just pursued the sex. It would have been such an easy fix, at least in the short run.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 23, 2019 23:10:59 GMT -5
My refuser will not accept me having an outsourcing partner and would try to crucify me if I did, even though she won't try to meet my needs either. It helped make my choice easier.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 24, 2019 7:50:09 GMT -5
My refuser will not accept me having an outsourcing partner and would try to crucify if I did, even though she won't try to meet my needs either. It helped make my choice easier. Ditto....One can understand somewhat a situation where one's partner simply is not interested in sex. I think there are coping mechanisms one can employ to help make peace with that scenario. But there are no reasons a disinterested partner should insist on celibacy for both parties when one party clearly doesn't want that for themselves.
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Post by elkclan2 on Feb 25, 2019 13:34:23 GMT -5
I never got caught.
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 25, 2019 14:47:35 GMT -5
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 25, 2019 14:55:51 GMT -5
solodriver. What did you do, ask permission? Did she ask your permission when she decided to refuse you? Of course she will not accept you having an AP or lover or FWB or whatever you want to call it. In her mind and in the minds of all our refusers we sexually belong to them. It is a powerful bond that can be either cherished or abused or used.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 25, 2019 21:23:00 GMT -5
Rhapsodee, lol no I didn't ask. She made a statement to me a long time ago that if I ever cheated on her she would hurt me in the divorce that would follow. But I do agree with your statement and appreciate the thought.
No she didn't ask my permission to refuse me. And I'm not going to ask her permission when I initiate the separation.
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Post by carl on Feb 26, 2019 14:31:51 GMT -5
You're right (as far as I know) Sister angeleyes65 that "not all affairs get caught". I was just googling around looking at some stuff and found this on a site called "Bustle" That site reckoned that the odds of getting caught are pretty low - like less than 10% for women and a bit under 20% for blokes. That looks real low to me, but hey, it's on the net so it must be right !!! Of those who do get caught, this www.bustle site reckons that - 39% are outed by their text messages being found 22% are outed by their emails being discovered 20% are outed by lying about their whereabouts 14% by being spotted with the AP somewhere 5% by a friend of your spouse informing on you As I said, not too sure about the credibility of this bustle site. The affairs that don’t get caught are those which end first. I’ve heard that can be as painful as any other split. More so if the relationship comes to an unnatural end. Imagine that on top of a sexless marriage - not a bunch of laughs.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 26, 2019 17:11:21 GMT -5
@ Carl I had 2 end it wasn't fun but wasnt devastating either I was not in love. I am still friends without benefits with both. My current bf is my former AP 6.5 years( while married) didn't end or get caught but we both left our SM we will hit our 8 year mark in April. 😍
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Post by carl on Feb 26, 2019 17:52:29 GMT -5
angeleyes65 I don’t think I could give anyone the love they deserve from a relationship after my marriage if it fails let alone from an affair. I couldn’t live with myself if I made somebody unhappy. I could be friends without benefits because I could honour that for as long as needed.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 27, 2019 11:56:52 GMT -5
angeleyes65 and carl, I have managed to stay in contact with and on friendly terms with my past lovers. I only fell in love once. It nearly killed me to end the relationship. He is a widower. The odds were against me, I don’t believe he felt the same love I did. I did what I had to do. He still contacts me every few months to see how I am. Twice we have met to walk in a beautiful place and talk. It’s as if no time has passed, the companionship is so comfortable. He does not love me but he likes me and enjoys talking to me. I’ll take that and treasure it.
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