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Post by lightbeam3076 on Mar 12, 2022 15:34:00 GMT -5
I love this post. Windsister is spot on. In the end the only person carrying the hurt, resentment bitterness and stories is yourself. The sooner you let go of them all the sooner you can make head and heart space for the things that will help you thrive, not just survive be it alone, or with someone else.
Forgiveness is healing for yourself, no matter how badly you've been treated.
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Post by nyartgal on May 2, 2022 9:11:27 GMT -5
I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here, but in September I saw my ex for the first time in 9 years! My mom died in August a couple months after a bad stroke—she was 83 but mentally still 100%, but with ongoing heart problems that led to her stroke. Anyway, I sent an email to a bunch of people to notify them, including my ex, and he wrote back immediately with a very sweet letter about my Mom, also telling me his mom had died a couple years earlier, and that he was going to be in NY on vacation in Sept and could we see each other?
We wound up emailing a bit and he not only attended the online memorial service, he came wrapped in the patchwork quilt my mom has made him when we were married (she made them for all loved ones and for babies in a local NICU), AND he spoke about her emotionally in front of everyone! I was so surprised. He didn’t have to do any of those things, and it reminded me of everything I liked and admired about him when we met.
A month later he was in NY and we had lunch and a long walk. We spent most of the time catching up on our lives, but we didn’t talk about our marriage, or that both of our moms had personality disorders that we only realized once we were married/divorced. And which probably drew us together on some level. We kept it light.
He is the same guy! More mature in certain ways maybe, but he never married, is still trying to make it in the same cutthroat part of the tech industry, still living the life of a 30 year old single guy, going to cocktail bars and on vacations with groups of friends. I enjoyed seeing him, it felt in some ways like old times in the good ways. Our friendship was always the best part of our marriage.
I told my therapist about it—same one I had when we divorced, I went back to her when my mom was dying—and she said she wasn’t surprised at all that he didn’t remarry. She said that he didn’t have the capacity to be truly emotionally vulnerable with anyone. That he’d tried it with me, and when that didn’t work out he wouldn’t take the chance of failing again.
I always assumed that after me he would find someone much more conventional, from his background (Korean-American and affluent), and settle down in a nice suburban life while I would be a single artist traveling the world. Hahaha little did I know I would be the one to settle down and start a family!
He’s not a bad guy at all, and in his way, I think he is happy with the life he chose. I’m sad for him because I know he really wanted kids, and he would be a great dad in many ways. But I’m glad that he seems ok and he’s living a life that suits him.
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Post by shamwow on May 2, 2022 16:23:32 GMT -5
When people's energy goes into trashing their ex, they aren't healed from their former relationship and aren't ready for a new one. If that's all they can talk about, they also aren't the kind of people I want in my life even for a same sex friendship. I'm glad to be divorced. I wish my ex well. By the last years of our 34-year marriage, we simply weren't compatible. I would agree with this. It is strange, though, that even after we've moved on, a revelation bubbles up from our subconscious regarding the marriage. Usually, it's along the lines of "Dear God, how could I not have seen that at the time and how am I only realizing that now." The test then is how long you hang onto that revelation and what you do with it. In the early days after my divorce I would dwell on these things. Fortunately, at the time I was in AA and going through the 12 steps. That process helped me sort through that baggage in a healthy way. Nowadays, I still have thoughts occasionally bubble up, but they pass pretty quickly. That chapter of my life is over and I'm in a far better place today.
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Post by catlover on May 9, 2022 12:28:54 GMT -5
Reading these replies and wondering why my son's ex can't just be a good person. She is spiteful, nasty, malicious, and I think, epitomizes the word narcissist. I truly worship the ground that is coming to her. I Call her Satan's Daughter
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