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Post by LITW on Apr 29, 2016 10:01:10 GMT -5
Last night I lay in bed, alone, after a fight with my wife. It was a silly fight--I overreacted to a comment she made about me, and she overreacted to my overreaction. It could have gotten a lot worse, but we both chose to give ourselves a timeout rather than escalate. Things are peaceful again today, but as I lay in bed, alone, it occurred to me that this is probably the reason that every older couple I know has separate bedrooms--its easier to just not deal with someone else's bullshit. I could picture myself as an old man, alone in my bedroom watching porn on my laptop because that's the only kind of sex im going to get. It was a sad picture, but less stressful than worrying if someone is going to misconstrue and overreact to something I said. See - I am sure that you and your wife "talk" but this is part of my problem with my H. I didn't want to retreat to different bedrooms to cool off. I want to have it out and either come to a compromise or lose the argument. I want to make up afterwards. People misconstrue and overreact all the time! When the communication breaks down and you retreat to separate bedrooms, that continues the issues. I want my next partner to fight with me. WITH me!! I want to work it out. I don't want to be further disconnected. That is the best answer .... to work it out We did discuss what happened the next day, but emotions were running high for both of us in the moment, so we needed the cooling off period. My natural reaction to conflict is to run away, which does not help... I am working on that. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 29, 2016 10:36:50 GMT -5
See - I am sure that you and your wife "talk" but this is part of my problem with my H. I didn't want to retreat to different bedrooms to cool off. I want to have it out and either come to a compromise or lose the argument. I want to make up afterwards. People misconstrue and overreact all the time! When the communication breaks down and you retreat to separate bedrooms, that continues the issues. I want my next partner to fight with me. WITH me!! I want to work it out. I don't want to be further disconnected. I'am with you JMX. But when you are " talking" with a manipulative controller , who's no means no, and will give you broad sweeping, change the subject, avoiding answers, in a cool calm reasonable manner. They can misconstrue your words, not compromise at all, change the subject, pointing the finger back on you about a whole different topic. When your, yes, or no means nothing and they ride over them like a tank, and disconnect themselves from you, well.... Your own room sounds pretty tempting! |
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 29, 2016 10:38:11 GMT -5
OK. My experience is that I need time to cool off. As long as my partner understands that we will resolve the issue when we are both more calm I don't see a problem with a strategic retreat. Believe me, when I lose my temper I am very scary - not violent but a danger to myself and my relationship as I can become irrational and impulsive.
Kudos to anyone who knows what works for them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 11:32:08 GMT -5
Being sexually lonely, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, is very difficult to cope with, especially if you have sought relief from the situation outside the marriage and have had no luck there either. I'd be interested to hear from other people how they cope not just with the lack of skin to skin contact with another person but also the sense of hopelessness that it may never happen, which in some ways is even harder. I tried an affair and a sex toy. The sex toy worked better. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 11:32:19 GMT -5
I don't know what's worse having a sexless marriage where there is a lot of arguing and bad feelings or one like mine where we rarely argue and never about the lack of sex. The house is quiet and serene and the marriage is good except there is no sex and hasn't been for decades. Sometimes I think a sexless marriage where the couple argue and dislikes each other may be easier to leave.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 16:20:38 GMT -5
I don't know what's worse having a sexless marriage where there is a lot of arguing and bad feelings or one like mine where we rarely argue and never about the lack of sex. The house is quiet and serene and the marriage is good except there is no sex and hasn't been for decades. Sometimes I think a sexless marriage where the couple argue and dislikes each other may be easier to leave. You'd think that would be the case, but it wasn't for me. We argued every single day for 25-years. Asking the time could set off conflict. It's a horrible way to live, and yet it took 25-years to leave. God knows that I must be a glutton for punishment. I'm sure he wasn't happy either. What a waste of two lives. |
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Post by deleted on Apr 29, 2016 17:53:58 GMT -5
If I have to take one path in a sexless marriage, I'll take minimal conflict for $100, Alex!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2016 19:08:57 GMT -5
If I have to take one path in a sexless marriage, I'll take minimal conflict for $100, Alex! Minimal Conflict it is: "Let's discuss this next week". |
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Post by deleted on Apr 29, 2016 21:17:16 GMT -5
Things that will never happen?
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Post by itsjustus on Apr 29, 2016 22:48:47 GMT -5
I don't know what's worse having a sexless marriage where there is a lot of arguing and bad feelings or one like mine where we rarely argue and never about the lack of sex. The house is quiet and serene and the marriage is good except there is no sex and hasn't been for decades. Sometimes I think a sexless marriage where the couple argue and dislikes each other may be easier to leave. You'd think that would be the case, but it wasn't for me. We argued every single day for 25-years. Asking the time could set off conflict. It's a horrible way to live, and yet it took 25-years to leave. God knows that I must be a glutton for punishment. I'm sure he wasn't happy either. What a waste of two lives. 32 years of unhappiness for both her and I. I can't decide either which would be worse Jasonl, but I can tell you it's amazing, and speaking for myself, at times sad, what the human spirit will put up with for way too long. What a waste of two lives indeed.... |
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Post by LITW on Apr 30, 2016 8:05:51 GMT -5
At first it was direct refusal, but over time it became indirect refusal--or deflection: I would ask, she would give me excuses or non-answers until the window of opportunity was closed. Then she would say she wanted to reschedule for later. (This gave her "plausible denyability" because she could claim "I never said no") But, later never came. Then I would ask again a few days later, and the process would repeat.
Eventually, I just stopped asking her for sex because when that happens repeatedly, and you realize that your request has a very,very small chance of yielding any sort of success, your incentive to keep asking goes away. And with it, your sexual desire for your spouse.
And now here is the "magic" part: because I stopped asking her for sex, she has labeled ME as the refuser.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 30, 2016 8:39:20 GMT -5
Eventually, I just stopped asking her for sex because when that happens repeatedly, and you realize that your request has a very,very small chance of yielding any sort of success, your incentive to keep asking goes away. And with it, your sexual desire for your spouse. And now here is the "magic" part: because I stopped asking her for sex, she has labeled ME as the refuser. This is the same thing that happened with me. He even told me (on separate occasions in counseling) that I shouldn't feel rejected when he always say no, and he thought I didn't like sex because we never had it. Way to shift the blame, dude. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2016 9:47:55 GMT -5
I'm post-SM, so I'm not looking at it from that standpoint. I'm looking at it from the standpoint that I may never find the level of connection that I'd like to have with someone. Sometimes it's very difficult...I guess I try not to dwell on it. Casual sex is meaningless to me, and I don't have a lot of time or energy to devote to trying to find someone right now, so I just deal with it. But I'd like to think that I will be ready to put myself out there, once some other parts of my life fall into line. EXACTLY!!! That level of connection!!!! I cant have casual sex or one night stands, I need a connection!! I practised serial monogamy until I got married. I had found that connection. I fear I will never find it again, married or not. |
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Post by angryspartan on May 5, 2016 12:52:40 GMT -5
refusers are not ok with the other finding something on the side because to them, intimacy isn't a legit need. If they recognized it as something important, there wouldn't be anyone here.
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Post by ggold on May 5, 2016 14:23:04 GMT -5
I don't know what's worse having a sexless marriage where there is a lot of arguing and bad feelings or one like mine where we rarely argue and never about the lack of sex. The house is quiet and serene and the marriage is good except there is no sex and hasn't been for decades. Sometimes I think a sexless marriage where the couple argue and dislikes each other may be easier to leave. We've been ignoring the elephant in the room that is our SM for years. Only recently we began having more conversations about it and it's only because I "outsourced" once. My house is relatively quiet and right now it's the same as it's always been. We can only talk about it when the kids aren't around. I thought my marriage was good, but in reality has not been for a long, long time. I wish I had communicated more, even argued about it in the past with him. I may be legally married, but emotionally and in my heart and soul I am no longer. I am moving on. Wishing you all the best. |
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