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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2016 1:42:52 GMT -5
Being sexually lonely, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, is very difficult to cope with, especially if you have sought relief from the situation outside the marriage and have had no luck there either. I'd be interested to hear from other people how they cope not just with the lack of skin to skin contact with another person but also the sense of hopelessness that it may never happen, which in some ways is even harder.
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Post by darktippedrose on Mar 29, 2016 17:35:49 GMT -5
I struggle a lot with this. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be loved. Sometimes I feel like its because of my ethnicity (my husband is black. and I'm half white and half arab. Sometimes i'm too white or not white enoough, not a real arab or why are you acting arab?). Sometimes I just feel unlovable.
I'm on anti-depressants and my first counseling session is this weekend. I exercise. I dance. I take care of my kidz. My kidz cuddle with me. I might do other private stuff for stress management. My husband would consider it cheating but otherwise I would go crazy.
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Post by sand5280 on Mar 29, 2016 17:59:35 GMT -5
Especially if you have sought relief from the situation outside the marriage and have had no luck there either. What happened with me, this was a long time ago, I tried the outsourcing method. She was married and miserable, I was single and lonely for ages. But when the two of us finally got real close, I felt like I would end up being the one to ruin her marriage, I could not really continue. This was ridiculous now that I realize it, she was in the process of leaving anyway. I didn't feel rejected, but unworthy if this makes sense. |
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Post by wewbwb on Mar 30, 2016 9:53:35 GMT -5
I struggle a lot with this. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be loved. Sometimes I feel like its because of my ethnicity (my husband is black. and I'm half white and half arab. Sometimes i'm too white or not white enoough, not a real arab or why are you acting arab?). Sometimes I just feel unlovable. I'm on anti-depressants and my first counseling session is this weekend. I exercise. I dance. I take care of my kidz. My kidz cuddle with me. I might do other private stuff for stress management. My husband would consider it cheating but otherwise I would go crazy. The only thing you're "too" of is - GOOD FOR HIM! And as the other private stuff, I'm developing tennis elbow. |
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Post by sand5280 on Mar 30, 2016 16:23:47 GMT -5
I struggle a lot with this. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be loved. Sometimes I feel like its because of my ethnicity (my husband is black. and I'm half white and half arab. Sometimes i'm too white or not white enoough, not a real arab or why are you acting arab?). Sometimes I just feel unlovable. Kind of a vague and difficult question: Are your first assumptions for the situation the ethnic difference? Or have you searched for reasons, including this one, and settled on this one? Just curious and looking for more information is all, not being too forward I hope. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Mar 30, 2016 17:42:58 GMT -5
I struggle a lot with this. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be loved. Sometimes I feel like its because of my ethnicity (my husband is black. and I'm half white and half arab. Sometimes i'm too white or not white enoough, not a real arab or why are you acting arab?). Sometimes I just feel unlovable. Kind of a vague and difficult question: Are your first assumptions for the situation the ethnic difference? Or have you searched for reasons, including this one, and settled on this one? Just curious and looking for more information is all, not being too forward I hope. My husband is a bit racist. And he's made lots of back handed comments like that on and off throughout the marriage. he says I'm racist. Like I said he's very racist and can't get over a lot of stuff. Hes in denial. I'm not searching for it. It came up shortly after we got married but he played it off as a cultural difference. |
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Post by whisperingthunder on Apr 1, 2016 21:54:24 GMT -5
I'm post-SM, so I'm not looking at it from that standpoint. I'm looking at it from the standpoint that I may never find the level of connection that I'd like to have with someone. Sometimes it's very difficult...I guess I try not to dwell on it. Casual sex is meaningless to me, and I don't have a lot of time or energy to devote to trying to find someone right now, so I just deal with it. But I'd like to think that I will be ready to put myself out there, once some other parts of my life fall into line.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 2, 2016 22:23:19 GMT -5
I'm post-SM, so I'm not looking at it from that standpoint. I'm looking at it from the standpoint that I may never find the level of connection that I'd like to have with someone. Sometimes it's very difficult...I guess I try not to dwell on it. Casual sex is meaningless to me, and I don't have a lot of time or energy to devote to trying to find someone right now, so I just deal with it. But I'd like to think that I will be ready to put myself out there, once some other parts of my life fall into line. I also have felt that level of connection issue. Not just in my sm but with friends as well. I wonder if that is a side effect. Glad your post sm, just be open to it happening. (A connection, i mean) |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 6, 2016 16:41:49 GMT -5
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 6, 2016 22:00:10 GMT -5
Being sexually lonely, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, is very difficult to cope with, especially if you have sought relief from the situation outside the marriage and have had no luck there either. I'd be interested to hear from other people how they cope not just with the lack of skin to skin contact with another person but also the sense of hopelessness that it may never happen, which in some ways is even harder. I can relate to this. I tried to seek a relationship outside of marriage but that quickly ended before it even really got started. I am convinced that it will never happen and truthfully it is not meant to be. So to that end, I try not to think about it and concentrate heavily on my hobbies. Being creative allows me to escape sometimes..... |
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 6, 2016 22:17:10 GMT -5
Kind of a vague and difficult question: Are your first assumptions for the situation the ethnic difference? Or have you searched for reasons, including this one, and settled on this one? Just curious and looking for more information is all, not being too forward I hope. My husband is a bit racist. And he's made lots of back handed comments like that on and off throughout the marriage. he says I'm racist. Like I said he's very racist and can't get over a lot of stuff. Hes in denial. I'm not searching for it. It came up shortly after we got married but he played it off as a cultural difference. If your husband cannot accept you for who you are, then you really are better off without him. This goes beyond that of a SM, but deeper issues of discrimination due to race and culture. To love someone, is to love that person for who they are; race and origin should have nothing to do with it. IMHO |
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Post by darktippedrose on Apr 7, 2016 16:11:34 GMT -5
My husband is a bit racist. And he's made lots of back handed comments like that on and off throughout the marriage. he says I'm racist. Like I said he's very racist and can't get over a lot of stuff. Hes in denial. I'm not searching for it. It came up shortly after we got married but he played it off as a cultural difference. If your husband cannot accept you for who you are, then you really are better off without him. This goes beyond that of a SM, but deeper issues of discrimination due to race and culture. To love someone, is to love that person for who they are; race and origin should have nothing to do with it. IMHO I agree. I did not find out the REAL reason that he married me until maybe 8 or so years after we got married. (my marriage was arranged, if that makes a diff) |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 16:59:40 GMT -5
If your husband cannot accept you for who you are, then you really are better off without him. This goes beyond that of a SM, but deeper issues of discrimination due to race and culture. To love someone, is to love that person for who they are; race and origin should have nothing to do with it. IMHO I agree. I did not find out the REAL reason that he married me until maybe 8 or so years after we got married. (my marriage was arranged, if that makes a diff) So what was the real reason? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 22:52:38 GMT -5
I actually left the marriage for a few months and it was worse. I was living like a college student in a run down 1 bedroom apartment and STILL not getting any sex despite doing everything I could think of. So in the end I thought if I am never going to have sex again I might as well live in a nice place under the same roof as my kids. But it is still hard. Keeping busy helps a bit. The worst times are at night when I get horny and depressed. As your experience showed you, not all who leave their SM will find intimacy or a relationship. Some do, and some don't. It's not guaranteed. Some may be worse off in many ways, and still be without intimacy, sex, love. It's a roll of the dice. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 16:17:18 GMT -5
I actually left the marriage for a few months and it was worse. I was living like a college student in a run down 1 bedroom apartment and STILL not getting any sex despite doing everything I could think of. So in the end I thought if I am never going to have sex again I might as well live in a nice place under the same roof as my kids. But it is still hard. Keeping busy helps a bit. The worst times are at night when I get horny and depressed. Situations like this are the reason why outsourcing/open relationships/etc. need to be a lot more socially acceptable than they are. If your refuser would just look at it the right way, it could be a win-win. You would be getting your needs met - and she wouldn't have to do it herself. |
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