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Post by solodriver on Jan 8, 2019 1:42:09 GMT -5
For those of you who have left your SM, what changes did you have to make to adjust to the new lifestyle (financial, social, parental, etc.)?
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 8, 2019 2:10:35 GMT -5
I had to sell my house. It was too big for one person and the mortgage and heating bill were too high for me to continue to pay. If I had remained married, I still would have wanted to sell the house because it was also too big for two people (It had been perfect when our kids were small, but they had grown up and left.) However, I would have been able hang onto it longer and make more of a profit.
I ended up living with my post SM boyfriend in a house and neighborhood that I didn't like. If I hadn't done that, I would have bought a small house in a neighborhood that I liked.
I also had to return to work, which meant working a job that I loathed.
No changes in my social life, however, except for exploring dating sites and getting a boyfriend (who wasn't from a dating site, but was a longtime acquaintance through a theater group I was in). A big reason that there were no other major changes in my social life was that for the last 5 or so years of my marriage, I had gotten involved in activities and made friends and socialized without my husband. I didn't enjoy being around him. I also saw that he impeded my making new friends because he'd monopolize conversations talking in detail about impersonal things that didn't lead to friendships. I joined book clubs, theater groups, spiritual groups, and political groups and developed friendships that had nothing to do with my husband. Thus, when I divorced, I had a support system and a social life.
Was the divorce worth the changes? Hell, yes! When I decided to divorce, I realized I'd be happier living in a small rented room than remaining with my husband in my dream house. I still feel that way. Living in a house I'm not particularly fond of is a trivial concern compared to existing in a miserable marriage. I'm also not dealing with the job problems any more. I was able to get a better job, held that for two years and then retired. While I'm not well off, my finances are better than they were when I was married because we had run up a lot of credit card debt, something that I stopped doing after my divorce. With the divorce proceeds, I paid off my share of the debt and have been debt free since. My partner and I also are planning on moving later this year to a place where we can live comfortably on our retirement income.
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Post by baza on Jan 8, 2019 2:42:59 GMT -5
I left in Oct 2009. Initially I had to adjust to having very little money for the first 6 months (until we mutually split up our joint assets) which meant living very frugally indeed. I also moved up country by about 300k from the State Capitol as I could not afford to stay in the city. I knew a handful of people where I moved to, but it was fairly socially isolating. One of my kids was still a minor at that time. Contact with them was limited to the phone for the first couple of months. Materially, it was pretty tough going. Funny thing is, I was happy. For me, dealing with these issues and problems was much much more preferable than dealing with the problems and issues of a dysfunctional marriage. I volunteered at a local Charity shop, which was a good networking move, expanded my social base and led me to getting a job, rented a house etc. My ex missus and I gradually formed a new relationship based on the reality of the situation. I visited the kids regularly once I was back on my feet. The kids came up and stayed with me sometimes. Still, I was happy. I got involved in assorted community activities. Gradually as the weeks passed, living in a small country town became my new "normal". I would say Brother solodriver that the biggest adjustment I had to make was social. I was quite isolated for some weeks - but this (I found) was not a negative at all. It gave me a chance to genuinely reflect on things and see the past much more clearly and objectively than I otherwise could have. Bear in mind mate, that I am writing this from 8+ years out, and my recollections of just how disruptive this period was may have had the edges dulled a bit by time. It wasn't a real lot of fun, but I was still happy. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 8, 2019 4:45:42 GMT -5
My whole world is new.
With the laws in Illinois as punative as they are against the money making spouse, I knew I could not stay where I was. Working long hours for my family was something I could do happily, but not to support a lazy exwife. There is precedence that alimony can be calculated off of a new income if the job change is for reasons other than reducing income. I made a significant but needed change.
I live half way across the country in more mild weather, and for a company that bases its work week on only 40 hours. My job is significantly less dangerous. Instead of a lakefront home, I have a modest apartment. I live a couple hours drive from my girlfriend instead of a day's plane ride away, and have plans to move closer as I clear some professional hurdles.
I do not get to see my kids much, but we keep in touch electronically. That would be not much different if I had stayed, as I would be working so much overtime just to have a roof over my head.
The cost of my divorce seems extravagant, but it is actually cheaper for me in the long run. My ex had no interest in getting a job and burned through every dime I brought home. When she threatened divorce, I stared at her with astonishment and asked, "you can't make it on my whole paycheck. How are you going to make it on half?!" At least what I have left is mine to spend, save, or invest how I choose.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 8, 2019 10:29:16 GMT -5
There where a lot of changes. That's a good thing! Bring em' on, I wanted it, and my family needed it!
Most of it was similar to a job transfer, like moving to a new state. Or, as has been stated before - zip code therapy.
You know, tha basics. Annoying ,time consuming hassles, that once they are done it's done. You change mailing address, you change your driver's license, you change banks and accounts, you change doctors, insurance companies, taxes change, wills, investments, phone numbers, business cards, school information, churchs, online addresses, etc.. You can redecorate! Out with the old, and in with the new! Things that YOU like.
You might change careers, hopefully for the better.
You change your exercise and personal grooming habits, hopefully for the better.
You adapt to this new freedom. You get used to the concept of " it's no longer what he/she wants, it's what I want"
You change friends, relatives, and acquaintances.
You deal with loneliness and isolation. Then again, you remind yourself, " I was lonely and isolated in my marriage, I can handle it!"
Parental? That varies. For the most part, you are very thankful to have the opportunity to show to your kids, " dad/mom is not a bad person. These are my ways, we can have trust and communication, things are better and will continue that way."
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jan 8, 2019 18:22:01 GMT -5
So much changed!
I moved into my own place, got a new job, and had to set up all of the bills in my name (which I changed after the divorce and then had to change my name on *everything* again haha)
I kept most of our mutual friends, and think I am closer to them than he is now. I also lost some friends that I knew through him. Joining Meetup was a great way to meet new people and go out for activities with great people that I may not have tried on my own
I no longer live with the stress and anxiety generated by both the SM and his anxious tendencies.
Finding myself and remembering the strong, independent woman I lost in the midst of the SM was one of the best things that happened.
Although I am still searching for that special someone, leaving was definitely a positive move for me!
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Post by sadkat on Jan 8, 2019 19:45:30 GMT -5
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 8, 2019 22:20:38 GMT -5
One of the 1st things I did following her moving out was to begin redecorating my house. Her color schemes were all built around "brown", and it was a primary color through out the house. I am more of a proponent of cool colors, so I repainted in yellows, greys and cranberry. I also replaced some of the brown colored furniture with cherry stained wood and black metal. Eclectic maybe, but it works for me. I bought a motorcycle and got back to riding. I had forgotten just how enjoyable riding is. And I frequently make new acquaintances when I am out and about on my bike. It's easy to strike up a conversation with other riders. It wasn't something I did intentionally, but I started sleeping better. I also do more volunteering through my church. I enjoy baking so it gives me a chance to practice on new recipes and feed those less fortunate than me. Financially there's only about half the money coming in as there was. She earned almost as much as me. So I do way less flying and traveling. I hope to be able to do a bit more in 2019. My youngest son has purchased a soft tail Harley and he wants to do some weekend excursions. Leave on a Friday and return on Sunday. That sounds like a winner to me. One of the bigger negatives is that I have to do all the house work and maintenance now. Looking after this place consumes a lot of time. There are times when I miss having the X here. Generally speaking we were pretty copasetic. But when I weight everything else in the mix, I know I made the right decision.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 15, 2019 6:33:15 GMT -5
I redecorated the house and now I'm planning to move. If the Brexit housing market ever sorts itself out...
I don't see my son every day - that's a downside.
I don't have to parent every day - that's an upside.
Money wise - I'm pretty frugal. No money for foreign holidays - which kinda sucks because I finally have someone I'd like to take them with. :-)
I have a new partner - someone who is actually wonderful to me. Home is chill now. But hot - if you know what I mean... we are almost 20 months into this relationship and still having sex more than once a day on average.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2019 8:19:11 GMT -5
Love Life: I got married in 1997. From what my ex tells me, she contracted HPV from a hot tub on our honeymoon and needed laser surgery to burn the warts off. She then used this as an excuse to say that sex was excruciating and that was that (other than during baby making time when the pain mysteriously faded just long enough to take care of her desire for kids). She was the only woman I had ever been with and until the age of 44, I thought that all sex was painful misery for women or that I just didn't know what the hell I was doing. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure she was faking it every time just to get it over with. I thought that I was a terrible lover and had a thousand "whys" to chase on that front. Two days after my divorce papers were signed, ballofconfusion came to visit me. She is everything I want and everything I need. To say our love life is satisfying is a crazy understatement. Slow, fast, rough, tender, we seem to know what the other one wants without having to beg for it or even ask for it. Because we both know what it's like to go through decades of bait-and-switch marriage from the start, we have been ideally suited to heal each other. We live 1300 miles apart. We each have a youngest that needs to get out of high school before we can be together. So we fly to each other. We have a 3 year plan. When her youngest graduates, she will move to Houston in what I refer to as "Operation Shackup". It involves 77 plane trips. We just completed number 38 yesterday. In a week and a half I head back again and that will put us over the halfway point. We spent almost this entire past weekend in bed and each of us have a pretty pleasant soreness. We are best friends, co-conspirators, and best friends. Oh, and that first part of the plan? Operation Shackup? She will move to Houston and we will be here for 2 years until my youngest graduates. After he's off to college, we plan on traveling the world and living abroad. It truly is an amazing life we have planned. Kids: Before I left, I saw my kids every day. I was active in their lives, coached their sports teams, taught them to drive, etc. But as far as really having an influence on what values they were taught, that was completely in their mom's court. She is a classic helicopter mom who was shielding them from the world to such an extend that when they finally get out there, they will be overwhelmed. They had no idea how to cook, do laundry, or even pick up after themselves. Their idea of money management was to tell mom that they were out and mom would fill up their debit card and send them back on their way. They were taught that everyone and everything existed to serve them. Now, I don't see them as often (every other weekend and every Thursday evening). But when I see them, we not only have fun, but I get to teach them the lessons that I know are important to make it in this world. As a result of me leaving, they will be far more prepared for life than had I stayed. Mom gets her say too, but at least they get both sides now. Materially: Before I left, I lived in a 4,100 square foot house. I had a 37,500 gallon pool with a hot tub that seated 15 comfortably. I had about half an acre of land with a garden bigger than my first apartment. Hell, I built a 40 foot sand beach next to the pool. I was just a few years from having it completely paid off. After I left, I rent a house a bit over half that size. I drive a 9 year old car whose front bumper is wired to the frame to hold it on. My biggest expense is child support which means for the first time in my life I have to keep and stick to a budget. But every dime I spend is my decision. There isn't anyone to give me shit if I want to spend money on something or save it. There also is not a monthly hemorrhage of money on "stuff" that we didn't need or even use because it was "on sale". Also, I've discovered the pleasures of not having to MAINTAIN all of that crap. Do not underestimate this piece. The American Dream of more and more stuff takes a lot of work to take care of. Social / Emotional: Before I left, my routine would be to get up, go to work, get home, grab a beer / drink, and watch TV. I'd help with laundry or dishes. I would go to bed. On weekends, I would be informed of the schedule and be told what it was I needed to do and where I needed to go. I had one real friend who I would ride motorcycles with on some weekends (provided I got up early enough to not interfere with the plans made for me). I was not consulted on vacations. Hell, I was not invited on about a third of them. That was OK, though, because I returned the favor with her. I was a functioning alcoholic who drank to cope with the bleak marriage from which there seemed no escape. I'd literally picked out the tree that I wanted to crash my motorcycle in so it would look accidental enough for life insurance to pay. Now, I have been sober two years. I have an entire group of guys I can call day or night. From these men, I've learned not just how to stay sober, but how to live. Family: ballofconfusion and I are both working hard to integrate our families at the pace they can handle. Because I go out there more (has to do with flight times, and available vacation time), I am much more tightly integrated with her family than she with mine. But we are making more of the effort for her to intertwine with my family as well. I also find myself closer to my own family than I have been in years. My ex kind of directed everything towards her family to the exclusion of mine. She also didn't really engage with mine despite their attempts to engage with her. When my brother in law met BOC, he told my sister "That was fucking weird". My sister in concern asked what was wrong. He said "Nothing was wrong. She spoke to me." So, essentially, the biggest downside has been material. But that also seems to be a setback that would be temporary if I want it to be so. However, I find myself surprised to be happier with less than I would have imagined. My life is fuller and richer in just about every area than had I stayed. Hell, by now I'd either have wrapped my motorcycle around that tree or probably had (and knowing me, botched) an affair. Just the thought of that life now is a fading nightmare. Thank God. Edit: just for the curious I looked it up. Today is T-Plus 552 😁😁😁😁
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Post by baza on Jan 15, 2019 19:41:32 GMT -5
Brother solodriver 's original question drew responses from people who took the "leave" option. It is not co-incidental (in my opinion) that of these respondents, approximately NONE of them report being unhappier *out* of their ILIASM deal than they were *in* it. This is NOT to suggest a stampede to the exit is a great idea for all. But it does strongly indicate that your risk of being unhappier if you leave is not terribly high. It also needs to be noted however, that reaching - and carrying out - the choice to leave is a guarantee that your short term unhappiness level is going to go through the roof. Short term pain, long term gain.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 15, 2019 22:52:31 GMT -5
Brother solodriver 's original question drew responses from people who took the "leave" option. It is not co-incidental (in my opinion) that of these respondents, approximately NONE of them report being unhappier *out* of their ILIASM deal than they were *in* it. This is NOT to suggest a stampede to the exit is a great idea for all. But it does strongly indicate that your risk of being unhappier if you leave is not terribly high. It also needs to be noted however, that reaching - and carrying out - the choice to leave is a guarantee that your short term unhappiness level is going to go through the roof. Short term pain, long term gain. Truth, brother baza. Lots of short term acute pain for long term gain. For many that is a good trade-off. For others not so much. Of course the staying side has its pain as well. It just happens to be of the dull, chronic, soul-sucking variety.
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Post by warmways on Jan 15, 2019 23:46:14 GMT -5
This is a great question. I moved out of our house so I had to live with my parents for a couple months. I got to know them better especially got closer to my dad. Then I moved into the house of an old coworker and had to live in an unfamiliar house where I couldn’t even do laundry. I felt like it was an adventure all part of the process towards a happier future. I stayed a couple months. Then I moved where I am now. An apt right above a busy street that has plenty of space for me to paint, read, and it’s steps to the library, shops etc. financially. I’ve had to be really careful as my husband makes so much more than me. It feels good to be independent though. Social and emotional - I have felt kind of lonely and isolated but I know I’ll make more friends eventually. I do feel less alone than when I was alone in the marriage. Emotionally I did (to a lesser degree now - I left in August) have some strong emotions of sadness guilt and of missing him that were unexpected in how hard they hit me. . It was tough but I always knew it was just necesssary stuff I had to feel and get through and amazingly you start havin better days. I relied on talking to friends, a counselor, this site, insight timer, treating myself really gently and kindly and thinking this too shall pass. After a while I let go and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable and allow painful emotions, the messiness of the divorce and then it slowly gets better. That was just my experience of course. I don’t have children so that takes a huge chunk of worry out of my situation. I knew deep down that I had to leave the marriage as it was toxic.
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Post by petrushka on Jan 18, 2019 18:34:23 GMT -5
Brother solodriver 's original question drew responses from people who took the "leave" option. It is not co-incidental (in my opinion) that of these respondents, approximately NONE of them report being unhappier *out* of their ILIASM deal than they were *in* it. This is NOT to suggest a stampede to the exit is a great idea for all. But it does strongly indicate that your risk of being unhappier if you leave is not terribly high. It also needs to be noted however, that reaching - and carrying out - the choice to leave is a guarantee that your short term unhappiness level is going to go through the roof. Short term pain, long term gain. Truth, brother baza . Lots of short term acute pain for long term gain. For many that is a good trade-off. For others not so much. Of course the staying side has its pain as well. It just happens to be of the dull, chronic, soul-sucking variety.
Totally depends. I was simply not able to leave for years and years - because a split of assets would've wiped both of us out. Now, I've downsized from 750 acres to 12 ... I could pay her off, if I wanted. But the thing is: we've gone and built my dreamhouse, I was prominently involved in designing it. She painted it inside and out ... hard work! Her behaviour towards me has completely turned around in the last 10 years. Affectionate, caring, supportive. Yes, no sex, but I'm practically past it anyway {crooked grin}. Relief is easy to get, anyway. But: I am enjoying the hell out of life in my new house, my great workshop, living near a town. Hosting a meetup group at my house once a fortnight. Looking for volunteering jobs now that I'm on the pension. Seriously: some sex the last 15 years would've been *nice*, but, I am not unhappy that I stayed. Plus, I have a free pass to find a fwb, if I want to (nobody I'd be interested in taking up with has crossed my path, sadly). Life goes on.
peace, -P.
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Post by baza on Jan 18, 2019 19:24:11 GMT -5
You weighed up the options, did the homework, and made a fully informed choice Brother petrushka . Essentially the exact same difficult and challenging process that people who choose to leave go through. In your situation, the sums added up to staying. Someone else's sums in that same situation may have been the choice to leave. And you would both have made the "right" choice. Stay/Leave.....they are each perfectly legitimate choices. The secret is in following the process and then making a fully informed choice, owning it, and living it....just like you have done. And having done the work, followed the process, made the choice and taken ownership of it, the obvious answer emerged for you. And there is a huge level of serenity to be had as a result. I really admire people who do the work, follow the process, make the horribly difficult fully informed choices and own them. It is quite an ordeal whether you end up staying, or leaving.
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