|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 30, 2018 9:43:28 GMT -5
You think you know how much sex you want? But do you really know?
I'm throwing this out there because I am pondering this question for myself. I don't have the answer.
My 2+ years on here regularly, have shown many answers to this question. Many think all the time, daily, 2 to 3 times a week, once a week, etc... Then there are stories of, I wanted it daily or every weekend. Then after having that much sex, I am now happy with once or twice a month.
Then there are those of us who have our past memories to go on, and desperately want that back again. Well that IS the past. What about TODAY? Or the future?
Does wanting and having sex just come natural, or does it depend on your circumstances? ( kids in the house, 12 hr work days, a nagging H or W, the house is freezing cold, the bills are not paid, you or your spouse has gained x amount of extra pounds, etc...)
When you have been deprived of sex for decades, are you now conditioned to do without it? Are you at a point where your high level of sex drive ( testosterone level) is so used to deprivation that it will or won't be the same again?
You claim that you and your spouse were never on the same level of sexual desire. Your needs where neglected and rejected. What has happened to them over the years? You think it's the same, but is it? You masterbate every other day, is that what defines your sexual desire? How different is it when you are actually around someone with a high sex drive?
How are you going to know until you actually experience it again?, with someone who is willing to go through your new adjustment with you?
Side note: Shortly after arriving in opposite land, I had my first sexual encounter. A memorable experience! Things I have not done in over 30 years, all in one night! The next opportunity I had, my partner wanted it NOW. In short, there was some travel involved, it took some planning. NOW was not an easy option. I actually found myself saying " tomorrow would be better, can't it wait". ( due to circumstances). I NEVER thought I would be saying that to sex! I wasn't saying no to sex. I was saying no to the time, the day, the place, the other people who would be around, etc...- This is an example of the positives of scheduling sex and 'just do it'. in a relationship.
Back to knowing how much sex you want. I found this video the other day and wanted to share it, (I don't think it's been posted before). About 2/3rds of the way through she talks about women who also have a high sexual desire and are not getting their needs met. That the problem is there for woman as well.
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 30, 2018 14:57:27 GMT -5
All good advice.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Nov 30, 2018 17:32:10 GMT -5
I like this video- I agree that it has some very useful information.
I’ve wondered a lot about how frequently I would desire sex. I’ve been sexless for so long that I honestly don’t know. For me, sex is very different from masterbating. Masterbating just takes the edge off whereas sex is so much more. I crave the affection and intimacy that comes with sex. In my mind, even if I wasn’t in the mood at the time but we started being affectionate with one another, I’m pretty sure that would get me in the mood pretty quickly. And I’m always in the mood to be affectionate! I do agree that sometimes we women should be willing to “just do it”. It’s like exercise- there are days I just don’t feel like exercising but I “just do it” and am always happy I did after the fact.
Also- If I were lucky enough to find a partner who would take the time to learn what it takes to turn me on, I don’t think he’d have a hard time getting me in the mood for sex.
So that just leaves me with the question of what if I want sex more frequently than my partner? That’s a scary thought given my current situation.
Timing is an issue, you are right. There are times when I might be involved with something and not want to take the time right then. But, asking for a rain check and keeping that commitment would be important in my book.
And the bottom line for me- because of my current situation- if I’m fortunate to have a long term sexual partner in the future- I simply won’t refuse him unless something completely drastic happens (like a deathly illness).
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 30, 2018 19:52:20 GMT -5
How much sex I would want would partly depend on how much was involved, such as how much time the woman took to be satisfied to get her "O" and how many "O"s she needed. Someone that needs 2 hrs to get there would make sex seem more lie work. Someone that got there in 30 min, that wouldn't be work and much easier for me to do it more often.
I like pleasing a woman but it also depends on how easy she is to please. Maybe I have tried to please for too many years and it became sort of not worth trying with someone that rarely is satisfied.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 30, 2018 20:52:32 GMT -5
How much sex I would want would partly depend on how much was involved, such as how much time the woman took to be satisfied to get her "O" and how many "O"s she needed. Someone that needs 2 hrs to get there would make sex seem more lie work. Someone that got there in 30 min, that wouldn't be work and much easier for me to do it more often. I like pleasing a woman but it also depends on how easy she is to please. Maybe I have tried to please for too many years and it became sort of not worth trying with someone that rarely is satisfied. Part of what Mrs. Arndt spoke of in her video, was that men want sex to relieve stress ,tension, and to relax. To forget their worries. That's not going to happen If sex turns out to be a 2 hr performance, or as you say "work". Nor will you be experiencing relief from stress, tension or relaxing when your partner is rarely satisfied. Instead ,I would think, it makes you feel like a failure, and who wants that? More of the " never good enough" control issues. What Mrs Amdt also said was woman's response to men wanting sex for relief from tension and to relax. Woman say " that's crazy". I would have liked her to expand more on what she learned from her research and 35 yrs. of counselling, and tell what women do want from sex.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Nov 30, 2018 21:48:06 GMT -5
First, this woman is hilarious, on top of being spot-on and informative. My only critique is that she could balance the scales and discuss male refusers a bit more. (Though she did, the general tone was very stereotypical female refuser.) I thought it was particularly clever / insightful of her to play “man in the middle” and pose issues from one camp as questions to the other. So that just leaves me with the question of what if I want sex more frequently than my partner? That’s a scary thought given my current situation. When you’re starving, it feels like you could eat the whole buffet, even though you know better. I’m not sure there’s a way to know your real appetite until you’re in it. One gauge might be, after a great emotional connection, how long until you’re needing a top-up? If it’s amazing, will you be more satisfied, or crave more? Is your partner the same way? I suppose as long as one is an _enthusiastic_ participant (not just “willing”) at least as often as the other is wanting it, it’s still a workable match. I’ve read stories about high-libido couples who’ve shared a 1-2x/day appetite for multiple years. That seems unsustainable, but it worked for them. And others who are happy with a really good session once a week.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 30, 2018 21:54:32 GMT -5
So that just leaves me with the question of what if I want sex more frequently than my partner? That’s a scary thought given my current situation. Timing is an issue, you are right. There are times when I might be involved with something and not want to take the time right then. But, asking for a rain check and keeping that commitment would be important in my book. Now that I am in opposite land finding out my partner's desire for frequency verses mine is something that needs to be established pretty soon. The fear of going back to another sexless situation is not acceptable. With that being said, I also need an idea of how much frequency ( and the quality of it- I might add) I am going to want. I do know how much I value it, how important it is to me, and what a disaster it is to remain married without it. I'd like to know more of your thoughts about " sex being a stress reliever, a time to forget about the days issues and to relax". And why some women would think " that's crazy"?
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Nov 30, 2018 22:58:28 GMT -5
So that just leaves me with the question of what if I want sex more frequently than my partner? That’s a scary thought given my current situation. Timing is an issue, you are right. There are times when I might be involved with something and not want to take the time right then. But, asking for a rain check and keeping that commitment would be important in my book. Now that I am in opposite land finding out my partner's desire for frequency verses mine is something that needs to be established pretty soon. The fear of going back to another sexless situation is not acceptable. With that being said, I also need an idea of how much frequency ( and the quality of it- I might add) I am going to want. I do know how much I value it, how important it is to me, and what a disaster it is to remain married without it. I'd like to know more of your thoughts about " sex being a stress reliever, a time to forget about the days issues and to relax". And why some women would think " that's crazy"? Well, GC- We women are all different in how we approach sex. I’ll give you my perspective with hopes that the other women on this forum will also add their thoughts. The simple answer to your question is that I don’t look to sex to relieve stress. Sex for me is a validation of the love and appreciation my partner has for me. I want to be wooed with tender caresses and all that mushy stuff before the actual act. I don’t believe men who use sex for the specific purpose of relieving stress are capable of doing the kind of wooing that I would need in order to enjoy the sexual experience. I think you need to approach sex as a mutual experience- make sure you both are getting what you need. The result will be the same- you’ll still relieve the stress. I’m an extremely sexual woman but I gotta tell you, if my partner approached sex with the sole purpose of relieving stress instead of focusing on and enjoying the pleasure he gave me, I wouldn’t like it very much. I think that’s why some women say it’s crazy- they’re not enjoying sex with their stressed partners.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Nov 30, 2018 23:06:07 GMT -5
First, this woman is hilarious, on top of being spot-on and informative. My only critique is that she could balance the scales and discuss male refusers a bit more. (Though she did, the general tone was very stereotypical female refuser.) I thought it was particularly clever / insightful of her to play “man in the middle” and pose issues from one camp as questions to the other. So that just leaves me with the question of what if I want sex more frequently than my partner? That’s a scary thought given my current situation. When you’re starving, it feels like you could eat the whole buffet, even though you know better. I’m not sure there’s a way to know your real appetite until you’re in it. One gauge might be, after a great emotional connection, how long until you’re needing a top-up? If it’s amazing, will you be more satisfied, or crave more? Is your partner the same way? I suppose as long as one is an _enthusiastic_ participant (not just “willing”) at least as often as the other is wanting it, it’s still a workable match. I’ve read stories about high-libido couples who’ve shared a 1-2x/day appetite for multiple years. That seems unsustainable, but it worked for them. And others who are happy with a really good session once a week. I agree- I don’t think I will know until I’m actually in it. And, believe me- I’m quite sure I’ll be an enthusiastic participant. That is if I ever get out of this dry spell I’m in!!
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Nov 30, 2018 23:26:39 GMT -5
Several of Bettina Arndt videos are about feminist bashing men and about trying to reverse the idea that women are usually the victims to the idea that some things that women do encourage men to be sexually bold. This topic is often about men and women on university campus getting drunk, having sex and the often default position of the woman was a victim. She says both were drunk so the question of victim-hood is over played.
At 4:26 in the video "Bettina Arndt - Sex matters to men" she shows a chart comparing the overall male VS female sexual interest levels. I wish she had shown a chart about how some women have a higher sexual interest than their regular male partner, like we have on ILIASM forum.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Dec 1, 2018 8:18:26 GMT -5
First, this woman is hilarious, on top of being spot-on and informative. Good luck Mr.Goorsky! You know that look your wife gets in her eye when she wants sex? No, me either!
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Dec 1, 2018 8:25:15 GMT -5
Handy Mrs. Arndt did say that 1 out of 10 of the women who kept journals (in her survey) where juicy tomatoes. (had a strong sexual labido-desire) So 10%. That's depressing. I hope I don't encounter to much of that as I move forward through the dating world of women my age.That's one of the reasons I want to be as upfront about it as possible ,from the beginning. So I can find that 1 out of 10. Something I wish I knew more about when I was much younger.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Dec 1, 2018 10:31:26 GMT -5
Now that I am in opposite land finding out my partner's desire for frequency verses mine is something that needs to be established pretty soon. The fear of going back to another sexless situation is not acceptable. With that being said, I also need an idea of how much frequency ( and the quality of it- I might add) I am going to want. I do know how much I value it, how important it is to me, and what a disaster it is to remain married without it. I'd like to know more of your thoughts about " sex being a stress reliever, a time to forget about the days issues and to relax". And why some women would think " that's crazy"? Well, GC- We women are all different in how we approach sex. I’ll give you my perspective with hopes that the other women on this forum will also add their thoughts. The simple answer to your question is that I don’t look to sex to relieve stress. Sex for me is a validation of the love and appreciation my partner has for me. I want to be wooed with tender caresses and all that mushy stuff before the actual act. I don’t believe men who use sex for the specific purpose of relieving stress are capable of doing the kind of wooing that I would need in order to enjoy the sexual experience. I think you need to approach sex as a mutual experience- make sure you both are getting what you need. The result will be the same- you’ll still relieve the stress. I’m an extremely sexual woman but I gotta tell you, if my partner approached sex with the sole purpose of relieving stress instead of focusing on and enjoying the pleasure he gave me, I wouldn’t like it very much. I think that’s why some women say it’s crazy- they’re not enjoying sex with their stressed partners. I appreciate your feedback! We are probably in much agreement. Sometimes just a word or two can be misinterpreted. Being an articulate writer/communicator is not my best feature. So help me understand this better. "I don't look to sex to relieve stress" got it. "sex for me is validation of the love and appreciation my partner has for me". So , is it fair to say that, receiving validation is a stress reliever? What about the opportunity to GIVE that love and appreciation to your partner? Giving it and knowing it is appreciated, doesn't that relieve the stress and anxiety that comes with not having any sex? "I want to be wooed with tender caresses and all that mushy stuff before the sexual act". I totally agree. I need a lot of that to relieve the stress of having to perform on demand. I don't like a "lets get it over with "quickie attitude". In fact I look forward to having a partner that I can do ( all that mushy stuff) with all day long with, leading up to the final act, and the intimacy that comes afterwards. It sure does help/make a difference, when knowing that it IS going to happen at the end of the day, doesn't it? Now where talking frequency and sex drive levels. Think of how stressful it is to want to lead up to sex at the end of the day, by "wooing" someone (giving and sharing any of the 5 love languages) and then being rejected? Here's another thought about sex being a relaxer. Getting totally naked with someone else. You are both submitting. You are both exposing your true self ( no pun intended) to scrutiny. You are asking that person " do you like what you see, feel, smell, and do you like my touch?". That in itself can produce a lot of stress. You are opening yourself to rejection. So why do we do it? For the complete opposite effect. Knowing that your partner does desire you and you desire them. Knowing that you will be accepted and they accept you relieves all that stress. It's a relaxing , intimate feeling. Side note: I remember going dancing a few months ago. Not a stress free event. A lot of stress in just deciding " I am going to go and meet someone". What's the crowd like? Am I too old? Am I too young? Am I over or under dressed? Going to a bar. Something I never do. Going to dance. It's been 30 yrs. Meeting a table full of women for the first time. Lots of anxiety. Asking a table full of women " do any of you like to dance? Do any of you know how to do a swing? The electric Slide? a Rumba?" Then actually dancing on a crowded floor again. Seeing who can dance, and who can't, then asking that one person to dance with you. someone I have been introduced to and spoken with before. More anxiety, more risk of rejection. Slowly the fear and anxiety goes away. This person knows how to dance. This person knows how to turn when you raise her arm, and steps back when you step forward. This person is complimenting you, and smiling at you constantly! By the 3rd or 4th song you have become unaware of the other hundreds of people in the room. Many of those old steps you haven't done in decades are coming back to you. You feel more relaxed, more confident. Then, finally, a slow song is played. You feel relaxed, and confident enough to trust this person. You place their arms around your neck. Your new found partner looks at you and says " i've been wanting you to do that". Your partner tells you " all the other ladies at the table are watching you and giving you a thumbs up". My mind is not on anyone else but the face that is one foot away from mine. For me, that takes being relaxed, feeling no more stress, no more anxiety (compared to when I first decided, I'm going to go to this group dance) I have also achieved a level of acceptance. I then pull my partner in close against me. I flex my chest muscles against her. I am testing the waters. I am relaxed enough to make myself vulnerable to rejection. I take the risk. My actions are accepted and valued! It gives me the confidence that was thrown away from years of rejection. I feel far more relaxed and stress free than I have in years!
|
|
|
Post by isthisit on Dec 1, 2018 17:09:03 GMT -5
So that just leaves me with the question of what if I want sex more frequently than my partner? That’s a scary thought given my current situation. Timing is an issue, you are right. There are times when I might be involved with something and not want to take the time right then. But, asking for a rain check and keeping that commitment would be important in my book. Now that I am in opposite land finding out my partner's desire for frequency verses mine is something that needs to be established pretty soon. The fear of going back to another sexless situation is not acceptable. With that being said, I also need an idea of how much frequency ( and the quality of it- I might add) I am going to want. I do know how much I value it, how important it is to me, and what a disaster it is to remain married without it. I'd like to know more of your thoughts about " sex being a stress reliever, a time to forget about the days issues and to relax". And why some women would think " that's crazy"? I'm with Sadkat here too, the idea of being viewed as a potential source of stress relief is a big turn off, and would make me run an mile (and probably be pretty offended to boot). After all, stress can be relieved through exercise, reflective discussions with colleagues and friends- heck even squishing one of those stress relief balls. Of course, intimacy and sex provides a lovely dose of all those gorgeous hormones which make us all feel too wonderful to care about the nonsense of life which often causes stress. I guess the crucial bit is whether the perception is that stress relief is the primary goal or a happy byproduct of intimacy. In relation to the question of frequency, given the choice of frequency or quality of sex I would always opt for quality- however, the 'or' word is generally a bummer. I have been lucky enough to experience high frequency, off the chart quality sex for a long time (prior to my H's libido vanishing to levels akin to that of a sedated panda) and I was the happiest person on the planet. Having experienced that once, I guess that's where the bar rests for me, so I suppose my honest answer is that I am greedy and want both. For quite a long time I lived with the belief that this 'greed' would be problematic in future relationships making me appear demanding and possibly result in difficulty finding a future partner. The shared experiences on this forum have helped me to understand that there are other women who share my perspective and that by extension I am normal (whatever that is), and that there are men who would welcome this aspect of the deal that is me. I hope this answers your question GC.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Dec 1, 2018 17:37:05 GMT -5
greatcoastal- In answer to your question about receiving validation being a stress reliever. My answer is - not really- Validation makes me feel good about myself and my partner. The endorphins released during sex and orgasm give me a natural high followed almost immediately by bone deep contentment. Stress Relief is a by-product of all those things. When a man is asked why he likes sex so much and his first response is because it relaxes him and relieves stress, I would probably think he’s crazy too. It certainly wouldn’t be my first answer. I also wanted to address another comment you made about only 10% of women enjoying sex. I think the number is larger than that. Women have a hard time identifying and communicating what they want. I think there is a group of women who would genuinely enjoy sex if they could better understand their sexuality. Have you read the book “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski? If not, it might be worth your while. I learned a lot about myself reading this book.
|
|