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Post by isthisit on Feb 19, 2019 22:28:21 GMT -5
I don’t know if a woman “should” have sex in marriage. I don’t really know how women feel about it. But there is one thing that’s for sure which is that most men do need sex and their wives reaction can make the difference between heaven and hell. I can help you out there carl , there is no difference for the girls. Intimacy and sex is the single point of difference between a spousal relationship and any other. It is the glue which binds a marriage (or equivalent) and is equally as important to women as men. Currently social constructions have it (still) that sex is most important to men and women simply tolerate this activity to become mothers. Despite being outdated and illegitimate, there is evidence of this line of thought here on ILIASM. Look at how many newly arrived men express surprise that they find women here sharing this horrible way to live. Thankfully we have them enlightened pretty quickly. In summary: it’s every bit as soul destroying for women, with an added side order of less understanding. I totally felt entitled to a lifetime of sex when I got married, as I imagine we all did. |
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Post by carl on Feb 20, 2019 21:17:36 GMT -5
isthisit “there is no difference for the girls.” That’s refreshing to know. And uplifting, I think. But a bit depressing on another side if you know what I mean. It must be soul destroying for a woman and take some strength of mind to keep things in perspective and not relate what’s going on to the rest of the world. Most women are attractive so yeah depends on confidence. I would have loved to have really connected with someone in that way. And it’s sad sometimes to think I might have.
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Post by isthisit on Feb 20, 2019 23:47:53 GMT -5
isthisit “there is no difference for the girls.” That’s refreshing to know. And uplifting, I think. But a bit depressing on another side if you know what I mean. It must be soul destroying for a woman and take some strength of mind to keep things in perspective and not relate what’s going on to the rest of the world. Most women are attractive so yeah depends on confidence. I would have loved to have really connected with someone in that way. And it’s sad sometimes to think I might have. Sure carl I understand your point completely. I work in a female dominated profession and am constantly subjected to hearing conversations between women about what a nuisance it is to have to repeatedly decline their spouses attempts at affection, intimacy and sex. The older women become a font of knowledge in the overt and covert art of refusal for women of a younger generation. And there I am a women with a HL, sexually generous and imaginative thinking ‘how come I get less than lady pandas?’ How the Hell did that happen? My time is coming. |
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Post by carl on Feb 26, 2019 16:58:34 GMT -5
isthisit when you say that you hear a lot of female colleges talking about excuses they give to their partners it make me think that I have never heard a similar conversation amongst men. So that’s confusing - do you think a lot of women knock their partners back or have a lower sex drive. Do you think that women are perhaps more heterogeneous than men when it comes to sex drive ? If that’s the case then women like you are kind of lucky as are your partners or at least they should be ?
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Post by isthisit on Feb 26, 2019 17:44:10 GMT -5
isthisit when you say that you hear a lot of female colleges talking about excuses they give to their partners it make me think that I have never heard a similar conversation amongst men. So that’s confusing - do you think a lot of women knock their partners back or have a lower sex drive. Do you think that women are perhaps more heterogeneous than men when it comes to sex drive ? If that’s the case then women like you are kind of lucky as are your partners or at least they should be ? Well carl , I'm not sure what is going on as I don't get to hear the equivalent male conversations. My guess is that there is a fair bit of blokes BS-ing to their mates about what is/is not happening in their sex lives, as folks may feel the need to fit to a stereotype perhaps? There are certainly an awful lot of women in my profession who are highly skilled in avoidance and refusal, and are most generous in sharing these skills with another generation. Quite why they deprive themselves of the loveliness I'm not sure. Their conversations suggest that sex is for securing a man to provide financial security and babies only... but this may be conforming to type. You would have to ask my STBX whether he feels lucky to have had a W with a decent libido. At the moment the answer is likely to be a firm no, he is struggling with our separation a fair bit still. In terms of me, there are times when I do feel blessed to have a healthy libido, and at other times given H's panda like tendencies when it felt like a royal pain. Hopefully it will come good for me, and someone will have quite the surprise when sensible and quiet isthisit turns out to be not quite what they expected! |
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Post by carl on Feb 26, 2019 18:21:32 GMT -5
isthisit I’ll be honest, i can’t help thinking that with the right guy you’d be really happy sexually. And so would the guy .... I would say your chances of finding great sex are very high. As far as I am aware there are nice blokes around and single or heading that way who would find a woman who has a good personality and sex drive very attractive. Lucky you’re married - you’d be eaten alive.
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Post by Handy on Feb 26, 2019 18:54:40 GMT -5
Carl
a lot of female colleges talking about excuses they give to their partners it make me think that I have never heard a similar conversation amongst men. I heard one guy say his XW wanted sex 2 to 4 times a day and he had trouble finding the time for sex and working. He was a big rig truck mechanic so I imagine he had to work 40 to 48 hrs a week. He told me it might sound like a person was lucky to have a W want sex that much but it soon got to be his W was interfering with him earning a living. OK, I just remembered another guy 35 to 40ish, that needed Viagra. He talked like he was a sexual dynamo but his W talked otherwise. I know one 75 yr old woman that said when her H could get it up many years ago, they had sex fairly often. Every other woman (older group) I talked with seemed to be OK with a lower frequency than what the H wanted. This was actually information from the H.
One thing I gleaned from forums and people is never turn a woman down if you are in a LTR with her if she is a good person and you have some chemistry for each other. Tired is not an excuse most women will live with for any length of time.
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Post by isthisit on Feb 27, 2019 8:55:11 GMT -5
isthisit I’ll be honest, i can’t help thinking that with the right guy you’d be really happy sexually. And so would the guy .... I would say your chances of finding great sex are very high. As far as I am aware there are nice blokes around and single or heading that way who would find a woman who has a good personality and sex drive very attractive. Lucky you’re married - you’d be eaten alive. Well carl I'm technically married, but morally single, and I can assure you I am not being eaten alive! The point here is that you never really know, if you could we all would have made different decisions about our spouses and partners surely? Many of the refusing and avoidant women I referred to are dressed and act in a very sexualised way on a night out- but this is clearly an illusion. My style in clothes and behaviour? Nothing of the sort. IF you knew me better you would come to another impression of me I am sure, but thanks for the compliment anyway. |
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Post by workingonit on Feb 27, 2019 10:14:04 GMT -5
carl and isthisit I see often on this forum that men hold this belief that women will have no problem finding another relationship if they leave their marriage. Actually I don't think that is true. In fact, if you are older there are simply more women than men bc men statistically die younger! I think the best advice is the notion repeated here that we all work on being happy with ourselves first and foremost. Like choosinghappy says, I would rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone that should love me. I want an intimate relationshio, I want hot sex and real affection. But I know I will be happier alone without that than I am in my marriage.
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Post by Handy on Feb 27, 2019 10:30:51 GMT -5
Workingonit, what I have observed in the over 60-65 age groups is men "orbiting around" women but both the men and women want their own autonomy so the orbiting often does not result in a landing zone being found.
It is sort of similar to: I like her/him except for _________ (fill in the blank) and I don't want anyone to tie me down.
I suspect people under 55 or 60 don't have as much of this going on in their mind but I think it is still there. I think most women could get a man if they wanted to put up with substandard men or good men that do not fit their lifestyle.
I know good men and women. I think the women I observe have women friends that match the women's life style better than the selection of men they could choose from. OTH if the single man has $$$ and is relatively decent, the vacancy is filed fairly fast.
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Post by isthisit on Feb 27, 2019 10:35:57 GMT -5
carl and isthisit I see often on this forum that men hold this belief that women will have no problem finding another relationship if they leave their marriage. Actually I don't think that is true. In fact, if you are older there are simply more women than men bc men statistically die younger! I think the best advice is the notion repeated here that we all work on being happy with ourselves first and foremost. Like choosinghappy says, I would rather be lonely alone than lonely with someone that should love me. I want an intimate relationshio, I want hot sex and real affection. But I know I will be happier alone without that than I am in my marriage. Agree with every word of this @workingonit . That really was the final straw for me, when the prospect of being alone and lonely no long held any fear for me.... as I was there already. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 27, 2019 10:41:05 GMT -5
I'd rather live alone in an empty house,
Than in a house with an empty spouse .
It's going on a year now of being officially 'single'. Yes, there are those days of boredom, depression, and feeling isolated and, perhaps, no longer desired by anyone. Then I remind myself of the months, years, I had being alone while single. I still had friends and acquaintances, but no one to have physical/emotional intimacy with.
I also see that as an 'opportunity' to make the best of it. I use it as time to work on rebuilding myself. Let's face it.... decades of rejection, gaslighting, being manipulated and controlled, leaves you with a shell of your existence. Pile on top of that decades of giving 100% of your time and efforts to 'the family' makes you forget what your true self really is. And you forget how to actually receive from others.
I also view 'being left with only a shell and a hollowed out/empty inner self' as an opportunity to have a second chance. Like being born again! Or like a second virginity!
Receiving has become easier, now that I have rid myself of my toxic environment, and surround myself with others who live a much more balanced life of giving and receiving. That even meant saying goodbye to some of my ( now adult) children.
Life is full of hard decisions. ( to thine own self be true)
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Post by elkclan2 on Feb 28, 2019 12:24:24 GMT -5
I was two years 'single' before I got with my partner. And even though that was lonely and hard in many ways - it wasn't as hard as being lonely with another person in the house who also just made me feel like crap all the time. I had to leave with the assumption that I might never find an appropriate partner. But I did find someone way better, who does appreciate my high libido and I sure appreciate his! We are now almost two years into our relationship so I have to assume we're past the 'fuck like bunnies' stage... we have less sex than we used to, for sure. We now have one or two days in a week where we don't have sex, but we still have days where we have sex more than once. Maybe we average 5-7 times a week depending on what's going on in our lives?? Anyway, I recently told my man that I'd be happy if we had a bit more sex and I'd be just as happy if we had a little bit less. It's good.
Funnily enough we were talking about this the other day and I said I feel like there are loads of men out there that would appreciate a woman with my sex drive - he's not unique in that - but there are a lot fewer men who appreciate the whole package of me and our relationship - because y'know no one is everyone's cup of tea.
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Post by carl on Mar 2, 2019 23:24:28 GMT -5
isthisit that’s ironic that you say you dress modestly when there are refusers that dress more sexually. Thats not such a surprise to me. So maybe your strong sexual quality is being almost turned against you. By being in a sexless marriage. I think some people might be a bit jeleous if they knew that you were good with sex and others would wish they were with you. @workingonit said, it must be hard to find a good relationship for anyone men and women but the sexual part at least from your side is sorted so that’s good. At least you’d know that wouldn’t be holding you back. I think about being lonely alone as apposed to being in a lonely relationship. Well a lonely second relationship anyway. I am not convinced there are many like you to go round.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 3, 2019 16:21:34 GMT -5
carl - if you leave, you must make sure you don't make the same mistake twice. There are people who have landed themselves in TWO sexless relationships. I think my stepfather did. Yes, refusal is on the refuser, but choosing TWO refusers (as he did apparently, though I don't know the ins-and-outs) means you have to take some responsibility, too. Therapy and a couple of self-help books really helped me with that. In the dating phase, you have to be prepared to not settle. I settled before, this time - even though the odds were against me, I refused to settle.
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