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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 19, 2018 18:12:35 GMT -5
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 19, 2018 20:22:49 GMT -5
WTF is she smoking.
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Post by jamesbonding on Nov 19, 2018 21:21:31 GMT -5
Did you watch the video? She's on our side. She says women should have sex with their husbands.
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Post by baza on Nov 19, 2018 22:20:59 GMT -5
"Should" is a pretty piss weak arguement.
In this very group it is a generally held view that one's spouse "should" have sex with you.
Yet, the whole group is about people who's spouse won't have sex with them.
If I didn't want to have sex with my spouse, someone - like the chick on the video - telling me that I "should" (want to have sex with my spouse) would not cut any ice with me....you can't manufacture desire.
There are probably many things in life we "should" do.
That doesn't mean we'll do them.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 19, 2018 22:43:34 GMT -5
"Should" is a pretty piss weak arguement. In this very group it is a generally held view that one's spouse "should" have sex with you. Yet, the whole group is about people who's spouse won't have sex with them. If I didn't want to have sex with my spouse, someone - like the chick on the video - telling me that I "should" (want to have sex with my spouse) would not cut any ice with me....you can't manufacture desire. There are probably many things in life we "should" do. That doesn't mean we'll do them. The word "should" is ONLY used in the title. The word "should" is NEVER said in the entire video. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 20, 2018 9:51:07 GMT -5
It sounds like she was describing duty sex.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 22, 2018 6:06:01 GMT -5
Ugh! That's really awful and I believe in 'duty sex'. Is this person even married?? In my relationship I choose not to say no unless I have a 'GOOD REASON' to say no - because I know that I have strong reactive desire and so I know I'll get into it even if I start out feeling 'meh'. Heck, I'll even have sex if I have a headache (but not without taking drugs first) because I know it will probably help. I do not have sex when I have a migraine, but to be honest if I have a migraine it's so bad that any sexual partner's reaction has been to help me get medication and take care of me (well maybe not my ex) but certainly no one wanted to have sex with me mid-migraine, so I've never had to turn any offers down.
The article she refers to in the video and criticises so harshly - well I read the article... the author describes a really awful sexual relationship in which she complained about the lack of emotional intimacy to the point where she insisted on counselling and he knew she wasn't into it but persisted on having sex with her anyway without working on the emotional intimacy issues - which is basically another kind of refusal in marriage. Now reading that article I'm quite sure that she contributed to the awful state of their marriage, but he sounds like an asshole, too. Most of the guys on this forum complain about starfish sex - the sex in the author's marriage was so bad that she would even read a book while he was fucking her, but he carried on - even though - and maybe BECAUSE he knew she didn't like it. His insistence was - yes, abuse.
Frankly the whole video is full of really bizarre and antiquated notions of gender roles and reinforced the 'men always want and women always say no' line which is so harmful. It has kept men in this group from confronting the lack of sex in their marriage in some cases - because why bother - women always say no. And it only rubs ground glass in the wound of any refused woman. Men always want it right? So I must be so awful that the man I married doesn't want it from me.
Now do some women want less sex and their husbands want more? Yes. Are there men who are being refused in this group? Absolutely. But the last time I saw a complaint about sex in a non-sexual women's chat forum was a woman who did have small children, a job, etc etc and her husband wanted sex all the time and she was exhausted. But she wasn't so much complaining about the frequency of sex (and she was a little) but her husband's strong preference that she do sex in a vigorous woman on top way. I'm thinking - dude, have some consideration! Frankly I'd be pretty pissed off if that's what was expected of me all the time - and I like that and that kind of sex and that's what we did this morning!
I do think there is also a lot of worry women have about bodily autonomy. Even though I choose to never say no in my relationship, it's my choice. I'm cool with that. And I always caveat it with 'without a good reason'. In 18 mos I think I've said no once because I really didn't feel well. In that time, I've hinted countless times that I probably wasn't into it just then and he picked up on it. He does that to me, too - he checks in with me on his sexual mood with things like "I'm probably feeling more cuddly than sexy" or "I'm borderline, I could go either way tonight." or he's defo 'in the mood'. It's not an issue because he doesn't feel rejected and I don't feel rejected and we have sex more than once a day on average anyway - and neither of us feels deprived. Our only issue is that I'm more of a night person for sex and he's more of a morning person, we manage.
So yes, I do believe that partners in a marriage or long term relationship should definitely be looking out for each others' sexual needs. No question. That's ONE of the things that makes a relationship good. But that means not just giving in to duty sex but supporting each other's pleasure. And no I don't think this video is helpful.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Nov 27, 2018 14:39:43 GMT -5
Great talk. Doesnt help me much but I still liked it. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Nov 27, 2018 14:42:53 GMT -5
"Should" is a pretty piss weak arguement. In this very group it is a generally held view that one's spouse "should" have sex with you. Yet, the whole group is about people who's spouse won't have sex with them. If I didn't want to have sex with my spouse, someone - like the chick on the video - telling me that I "should" (want to have sex with my spouse) would not cut any ice with me....you can't manufacture desire. There are probably many things in life we "should" do. That doesn't mean we'll do them. I agree with you totally but she is making a generalization from the point of view that women aren't making the effort because they dont feel like they have to. In her scenario she is saying (imho) quite being lazy and put some effort into your marriage to make it work better. |
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Post by Dan on Jan 31, 2019 8:36:18 GMT -5
At timepoint 4:00 in the video she states: "one of the primary reasons men get married is so they can have access to sex." Sounds like a bit of a generalization... but in my case: true!
I was raised with very liberal social views, but still pretty conservative views about sex and marriage. As in: sex should only be in marriage.
I met someone who I felt was physically attractive, who had similar social views, and similar religious background. (Not only were we each raised in the same religion as each other, but we both converted to a the same second religion before meeting each other!) We had the same ideas about sex: it is best served inside a marriage.
So we got married... and felt this would lead to a great, long term sexual relationship. Yes: I entered in to the marriage -- in part -- so I could have access to sex.
Wind the clock forward: sex dwindled, now sexless. (Found out the hard way: shared belief in "sex is for marriage" is not the same as compatibility of views on the quantity and variety of sex in the marriage, nor does it mean you place the same importance on it.) Due to the her sexual drought: I'm no longer interested in her, sexually. I have gone outside the marriage in the past... but I'm no longer interested in an intimate relationship as a "side activity", either.
But I am still interested in sex. I'm interested in being in a relationship that has all manner of physical intimacy. So my best option -- or so it seems at this point -- is to leave the marriage, so I can seek it.
Ergo -- in a super-ironic twist -- I entered the marriage so I could "have access to sex"... and I'll be leaving it for the same reason!
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Post by baza on Jan 31, 2019 18:24:55 GMT -5
This is interesting Brother Dan . If the basis of your reasoning was "to have access to sex" then ideally, you have to put yourself in a position that gives you a good shot at achieving that. At the time you (quite reasonably) thought that putting yourself in a position of being married would give you a great shot at the aim of having access to sex. That's pretty sound logic under normal conditions. Turns out that your specific circumstance was not normal. Now, if the agenda remains "to have access to sex" then being married to your missus is NOT a position that gives you a great shot at that aim. Probably, quite the reverse applies. Like you say, you got married to have access to sex and ironically you may have to get unmarried to have access to sex. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 31, 2019 23:29:34 GMT -5
I find this video perplexing. The question of "should women have sex with their husbands?" should be unasked.
Instead, there should be a simple, forceful statement that in marriage, there is an expectation both partners desire sex with each other.
I you aren't down with that maybe marriage isn't for you... Regardless of your gender.
Personally I found this video sexist as fuck (pun intended)
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 4, 2019 19:42:01 GMT -5
I find this video perplexing. The question of "should women have sex with their husbands?" should be unasked. Instead, there should be a simple, forceful statement that in marriage, there is an expectation both partners desire sex with each other. I you aren't down with that maybe marriage isn't for you... Regardless of your gender. Personally I found this video sexist as fuck (pun intended) I like the way you worded that-“in marriage, there is an expectation both partners desire sex with each other” - that is exactly 100% spot on! Also it’s expected that you should make your spouse FEEL wanted and desired! If they can’t do this then they shouldn’t be your spouse. |
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Post by lessingham on Feb 18, 2019 11:25:46 GMT -5
I would be happy in a marriage where tbe expectation is "yes", not a duty to have sex. Getting a "no" in a healthy sex life is not a big deal. Nor is two or three. But when every single ask is replied with no, then we are in a whole different ball game.
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Post by carl on Feb 19, 2019 20:16:31 GMT -5
I don’t know if a woman “should” have sex in marriage. I don’t really know how women feel about it. But there is one thing that’s for sure which is that most men do need sex and their wives reaction can make the difference between heaven and hell.
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