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Post by sadkat on Nov 20, 2018 13:20:06 GMT -5
Hope. I maintained hope. I rationalized. I avoided thinking about what I should have known. I prayed. I accepted bad advice from trusted advisors, and I accepted her lies. I told myself my desire would wane and hers would wax and we would be on equal footing. I lost twenty five years of my life to a woman that never lived up to her vague promises. Hope gets us through tough times, but misplaced hope traps us in misery. I agree with this 100%. I too had hope for many, many years. The lack of intimacy and affection ate at me and turned me into a person I no longer recognized. I lost all hope and became someone I no longer liked. It’s taken people from this forum, my therapist, and a great deal of strength to regain hope for a new future- without my husband. Please consider your long term future happiness. Things are highly unlikely to change from the way they are now.
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Post by javba on Nov 20, 2018 14:34:37 GMT -5
Hope my friends was the last evil that came out of Pandora's box, I would encourage you to MAKE your OWN HOPE - that's the type you can count on. NOT the type you expect OTHERS to make happen.
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Post by baza on Nov 20, 2018 17:16:25 GMT -5
javba makes a telling point Sister frustrated . In these situations, there is not a lot that you can do about your bf's attitude, behaviour, or his issues. They are his responsibility and only he can address them. *You* can't. They are not your issues to fix. If you are pinning your future on hoping that your bf will want to (and be capable of) changing his attitude and behaviour then you have effectively passed control over the situation to him. You become a spectator in your own life rather than an owner of it. And, human nature being what it is, your bf is likely to choose to run the situation on a basis of what's in his best interests, not yours. That, is likely to in turn compel you to make some difficult choices of your own, based on your best interests.
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New here
Nov 20, 2018 20:00:36 GMT -5
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Post by frustrated on Nov 20, 2018 20:00:36 GMT -5
I guess I haven’t made myself clear from all the responses I’m reading. My bf and I talk about this, we have great communication on this topic. He wants to change, and made an appointment today to see a doctor for probable low testosterone. I have no reason at all to be hopeless at this point. Not sure this group is for me. I feel lots of criticism and judgement which I wonder if it comes from your resentment towards your so. Grateful I choose to find out if our issue can be fixed first.
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Post by Handy on Nov 20, 2018 20:09:07 GMT -5
frustrated, it could be your BF will fix things and change. What the people here are expressing is Most people don't change or if they do it is only temporary. The general concept that people are who they are and change for most people takes a lot of ongoing work and often the changes can not be maintained.
Long term relationships work best when people act natural without changing and both people like the the partner as they are.
It is up to you to decide what you can live with if there are only minor changes or the changes are temporary. Kids and lots of mingled property complicates breaking up.
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Post by choosinghappy on Nov 20, 2018 21:07:34 GMT -5
I guess I haven’t made myself clear from all the responses I’m reading. My bf and I talk about this, we have great communication on this topic. He wants to change, and made an appointment today to see a doctor for probable low testosterone. I have no reason at all to be hopeless at this point. Not sure this group is for me. I feel lots of criticism and judgement which I wonder if it comes from your resentment towards your so. Grateful I choose to find out if our issue can be fixed first. You sound exactly like many of us when we first joined the forum. It takes a while to lose the blinders and see your reality for what it truly is. Criticism and judgment is not what we go for here. Harsh reality is. Some people are not ready to hear it and internalize it, some are, but most take a while when they first get here. Even if it has not come across in these responses, we do all hope for the best for your relationship but sadly, we’ve also been where you are and want to warn you on where this is likely going. Our intentions are good; we’d like to spare you from how bad it can get. I know you hope to be that 1% who can turn her relationship around. We all do/did. But that harsh reality I mentioned is that the odds are not in your favor. Read the threads here. Hopefully they can be a help to you.
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Post by baza on Nov 20, 2018 21:13:12 GMT -5
Well Sister frustrated, the new information in your post (that he has now made an appointment with a medico) moves this from where he wasn't actually doing anything about his issues, to where he might be about to start that process. So you are going to see in the fairly near future whether your hope is well founded or not. His actions over the next few months will give you that answer.
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Post by h on Nov 20, 2018 21:49:42 GMT -5
I guess I haven’t made myself clear from all the responses I’m reading. My bf and I talk about this, we have great communication on this topic. He wants to change, and made an appointment today to see a doctor for probable low testosterone. I have no reason at all to be hopeless at this point. Not sure this group is for me. I feel lots of criticism and judgement which I wonder if it comes from your resentment towards your so. Grateful I choose to find out if our issue can be fixed first. Him actually going to the doctor to get checked out is a huge difference from what many of us see. Action is a good thing. You can have the best communication in the world but it doesn't mean a thing if there's no action to follow it. I sincerely hope that he finds the problem and chooses to do something about it. If he does, then great! What I worry about is him going to the doctor, getting a clear diagnosis, and still doing nothing about it. Keep the momentum moving forward. Don't let him backslide.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 20, 2018 21:52:58 GMT -5
Or get married and end up like me, in a SM for the past almost 20 years.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 20, 2018 21:59:25 GMT -5
I agree with h . It is hard to look back that long and think of all the things that could have gone differently. IF you have a chance of making it, it will be because he is willing to do the HARD work of figuring out how to love you the way you need to be loved. And maybe even let himself need it too. If that happens you do have a chance. It sounds like he is willing to make an effort. If so, it may be worth working with him and trying to make it work for both of you. Some thoughts: -Do NOT diminish your needs as "just sex" and something you should get over. You are who you are. You need a certain level of desire and affection coming your way. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. If you start putting your needs aside you will end up resenting him. - DO NOT have children at this point. I had kids right away in my marriage. I do NOT recommend it. - Avoid marriage. This adds a layer of complication you do not need right now. - Be willing to be brutally honest with yourself and with him. You do him no favors by holding in thoughts in order to keep from hurting him. That will not work. Don't lie to yourself with the "but he s so great with ....." Be clear with what you are not getting. Feeling loved is really important in any relationship. If you, like SO MANY PEOPLE, need some level of being sexually desired to feel loved that is NOT WEIRD and not something to write off. Keep posting. There is a wealth of experience and advice here. It can be hard to hear as there is the brutal honesty of years of suffering behind our words. But we are not mean, I promise. We are just kind of experts in dealing with this shit.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 20, 2018 22:01:47 GMT -5
Oops, just remembered you are 58 so kids are probably not on your agenda at this point! (not always impossible but unlikely!) Sorry I missed that the first time around!
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 21, 2018 2:35:13 GMT -5
I guess I haven’t made myself clear from all the responses I’m reading. My bf and I talk about this, we have great communication on this topic. He wants to change, and made an appointment today to see a doctor for probable low testosterone. I have no reason at all to be hopeless at this point. Not sure this group is for me. I feel lots of criticism and judgement which I wonder if it comes from your resentment towards your so. Grateful I choose to find out if our issue can be fixed first. Please don't take my words as being harsh. I am speaking the truth as gently as I can, but I will not lie to you. At least your boyfriend claims he wants to change. This is a good sign. Making and keeping doctor appointments is a good sign. You have reason to have hope things will get better. Maybe they will, but maybe they won't. Hope for the best, but be prepared for it just not happening.
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Post by baza on Jan 20, 2019 22:53:37 GMT -5
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Post by frustrated on Jan 21, 2019 5:57:52 GMT -5
Thanks for asking baza. Despite many other life issues right now, things are okay. My bf has been taking T shots weekly for about 6 weeks now. Although it hasn’t produced any miracles, I still feel hopeful. Our communication is wide open about the subject and that allows us to be comfortable in talking about all subjects as well. One nagging thought is this: I have repressed my sexuality. I feel like a different person than I use to be. I no longer initiate sex ever because I don’t want the rejection. But the bottom line is, the feeling of rejection is daily anyway. So my dilemma is - do I start trying to be the affectionate sexual person I really am towards him and feel the rejection? Or stay in this repressed state and feel the rejection? Does that make any sense at all?
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New here
Jan 21, 2019 10:00:02 GMT -5
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Post by jim44444 on Jan 21, 2019 10:00:02 GMT -5
Thanks for asking baza. Despite many other life issues right now, things are okay. My bf has been taking T shots weekly for about 6 weeks now. Although it hasn’t produced any miracles, I still feel hopeful. Our communication is wide open about the subject and that allows us to be comfortable in talking about all subjects as well. One nagging thought is this: I have repressed my sexuality. I feel like a different person than I use to be. I no longer initiate sex ever because I don’t want the rejection. But the bottom line is, the feeling of rejection is daily anyway. So my dilemma is - do I start trying to be the affectionate sexual person I really am towards him and feel the rejection? Or stay in this repressed state and feel the rejection? Does that make any sense at all? Your question makes perfect sense because the two types of rejection are different. When you do not initiate and he does not either then the rejection is a mental exercise. The "what ifs" plague the mind. When you do initiate and get rejected then it is physical and immediate. Your hormones have already geared up for sex and you then suffer the drop of unfullfillment. The "Why not" plague the mind. Which to chose? Personally I chose to initiate because that then sets the burden on her to reject. That allows me to shift the blame on her whether that is true or not.
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