Post by workingonit on Oct 7, 2018 8:38:44 GMT -5
This is going to be a bit of a rant. I need to vent.
As most of you know, I have a kid with mental health issues. He is VERY difficult at times.
About 2.5 years ago when my son was 13 he had to be pulled from school, was suicidal, was hurting himself, etc. I was distraught. He was in a therapeutic day program that was not working. I was given lots of advice about hospitalizing him but as a nurse I had been in adolescent in patient psych facilities and they are not what he needed. Instead I saw a therapist that could train me in helping him. I read book after book, article after article, I joined support groups. I followed the guidance that I should just BE with him- clock as many hours with him as possible- reach into the dark place he inhabited and just BE with him there. And it helped! My son's ability to communicate with me improved, my ability to hear him improved, he began to get better, to want to live again. It took time, and patience, and me learning new ways to communicate and understand him, me putting in the time to just lay on his bed and listen to him, but we have had remarkable results. And as a result he and I have become very close.
During that time my h and I were, of course, in our SM deal. I invited my h to everything I did. I begged him to read the books I read, the articles. I hi-lighted chapters or passages that I found helpful and begged him to just read those parts. I tried to explain how my perspective on my son had changed so he could share in that as well. My h would not even read one word. He would not help at all. He flat out refused me. Not unlike the way he refused sex with me - just said he could not do it. He ignored my tears, he ignored my pain and would sigh heavily and walk away.
My h and I have discussed this time in therapy. I know and he knows that I will really never forgive him for how he treated my son and how he abandoned me. Our therapist has worked with lots of parents of kids with special needs and actually has a son with similar needs as my son. He explained to us the way that working with a child like this will expose weakness in the foundation of the marriage. YUP!
So now here we are in another, different crisis with that same son. He is not suicidal but he is smoking pot and discovering drugs which is not a good thing for him. He is refusing therapy, refusing meds, not taking care of himself, etc. It is a crisis in a different way. So now I am on him again- spending time with him, using my communication skills and listening, making sure we are having fun together so it is not just me telling him what to do, etc. I have joined a support group and had a sit down meeting with a adolescent drug counselor to gather resources available in my state in case I need them.
I have invited my h to be a part of all of this. I have even told him this could be a good chance to change the old story. I have told him everything I am doing and invited him to do that as well, or go in his own direction to help our son (start with a google search, I suggested). He has done nothing. He rarely even asks me about him and has close to NO interactions with our son. Recently my h described in detail the "well known phenomenon of a son putting a wedge between the parents to oust the father from his place." He went on and on about triangulation and how my son is a barrier between my h and I.
I was and am fuming mad about this. F*ck you! You had so many opportunities for us to be side by side dealing with this child together and you refused. YOU LEFT US hanging in the breeze on our own. YOU LEFT ME so I had to find support elsewhere! YOU LEFT YOUR SON to be handled by anyone BUT you! And NOW you are complaining that you feel like you are on the OUTSIDE!?!? (Yes, I said all of this to him. He admits he was wrong and did not act appropriately but still maintains his read on our son)
I wonder if even after 9 years of neglect I could have found it in me to forgive my h and work on our relationship now if it were not for the way he abandoned me in the most stressful parenting time of my life. Maybe. Too bad we will never know. And too bad he is doing it again. You just really cannot change people.
As most of you know, I have a kid with mental health issues. He is VERY difficult at times.
About 2.5 years ago when my son was 13 he had to be pulled from school, was suicidal, was hurting himself, etc. I was distraught. He was in a therapeutic day program that was not working. I was given lots of advice about hospitalizing him but as a nurse I had been in adolescent in patient psych facilities and they are not what he needed. Instead I saw a therapist that could train me in helping him. I read book after book, article after article, I joined support groups. I followed the guidance that I should just BE with him- clock as many hours with him as possible- reach into the dark place he inhabited and just BE with him there. And it helped! My son's ability to communicate with me improved, my ability to hear him improved, he began to get better, to want to live again. It took time, and patience, and me learning new ways to communicate and understand him, me putting in the time to just lay on his bed and listen to him, but we have had remarkable results. And as a result he and I have become very close.
During that time my h and I were, of course, in our SM deal. I invited my h to everything I did. I begged him to read the books I read, the articles. I hi-lighted chapters or passages that I found helpful and begged him to just read those parts. I tried to explain how my perspective on my son had changed so he could share in that as well. My h would not even read one word. He would not help at all. He flat out refused me. Not unlike the way he refused sex with me - just said he could not do it. He ignored my tears, he ignored my pain and would sigh heavily and walk away.
My h and I have discussed this time in therapy. I know and he knows that I will really never forgive him for how he treated my son and how he abandoned me. Our therapist has worked with lots of parents of kids with special needs and actually has a son with similar needs as my son. He explained to us the way that working with a child like this will expose weakness in the foundation of the marriage. YUP!
So now here we are in another, different crisis with that same son. He is not suicidal but he is smoking pot and discovering drugs which is not a good thing for him. He is refusing therapy, refusing meds, not taking care of himself, etc. It is a crisis in a different way. So now I am on him again- spending time with him, using my communication skills and listening, making sure we are having fun together so it is not just me telling him what to do, etc. I have joined a support group and had a sit down meeting with a adolescent drug counselor to gather resources available in my state in case I need them.
I have invited my h to be a part of all of this. I have even told him this could be a good chance to change the old story. I have told him everything I am doing and invited him to do that as well, or go in his own direction to help our son (start with a google search, I suggested). He has done nothing. He rarely even asks me about him and has close to NO interactions with our son. Recently my h described in detail the "well known phenomenon of a son putting a wedge between the parents to oust the father from his place." He went on and on about triangulation and how my son is a barrier between my h and I.
I was and am fuming mad about this. F*ck you! You had so many opportunities for us to be side by side dealing with this child together and you refused. YOU LEFT US hanging in the breeze on our own. YOU LEFT ME so I had to find support elsewhere! YOU LEFT YOUR SON to be handled by anyone BUT you! And NOW you are complaining that you feel like you are on the OUTSIDE!?!? (Yes, I said all of this to him. He admits he was wrong and did not act appropriately but still maintains his read on our son)
I wonder if even after 9 years of neglect I could have found it in me to forgive my h and work on our relationship now if it were not for the way he abandoned me in the most stressful parenting time of my life. Maybe. Too bad we will never know. And too bad he is doing it again. You just really cannot change people.
