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Post by loveless1 on Sept 30, 2018 11:21:43 GMT -5
In a separate thread, @shynjdude mentioned to winter123 : I would seriously consider telling him tonight that you are moving to another bedroom. Tell him that feeling rejected every night while with him is too painful. And if he is really sexually attracted to you he can visit you in your room for sex. Otherwise, it is off limits. You can gain a lot of clarity this way. I seem to feel that, for me, moving to a separate bedroom would clearly mean "we are past the point of no return. I'm done even feel like pretending we'll ever have an intimate life together again." But let's assume that's just me. Can others who have "moved to the spare bedroom" share WHEN they decided to do this, and how that step triggered future developments -- either toward reconciliation or further separation? My husband moved out to the spare bedroom several times just to come back because of the mattress issue and back pain. He always moves out with the complaint of unable to get rest and I demand too much of him at night. I'm a very affectionate person and love to cuddle while he prefers to sleep on his stomach with covers and pillows as a barrier. I do feel the last time he moved out of the bedroom our marriage really changed for the worse. I fell like we are more roommates than anything.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 30, 2018 11:42:19 GMT -5
I guess he is. We discussed it in couple's counseling, but he refused to admit that "was his thing". He insisted he just wants me to be happy, and if I choose to go elsewhere to get my needs fulfilled, that's fine with him. It's working okay, as far as I can tell. It's okay with me, it gives me a break from the house and the baby, plus I get the sex, and other kink play. He doesn't seem bothered by it at all. In fact, he usually asks about once a week how my FetLife friends are, and makes sure to remember any plans I make, puts a reminder in his phone. Do yeah.... I guess it's working. I'm not angry all the time like I was a year ago, when I joined this forum. We sleep in the same bed, and he is more affectionate than he was a year ago. What is working for me wouldn't work for everyone, but I hope other people have the option I have. If I had to sneak around, I don't think it would work for me. I'd feel guilty. I'm glad he is understanding, or a secret cuck, or whatever he is. tiredoftears: I’m really glad you have found what works for you!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 1, 2018 9:51:00 GMT -5
One thing I have found is that moving out of the bedroom and having some "space" has provided a lot of relationship clarity or so it seems. Im curious if others have felt this way while still living under the same roof.
I suppose its symptomatic of lack of intimacy and forced enotional distance.
That and the constant churning in my head is also triggering a series of flashbacks to incidents where she felt wronged in the near and distant past. The triggering of previously dormant flashbacks seems highly transformative and relevant.
Im inspired to write more on this in my main thread in the interest of not hijacking
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Post by saarinista on Oct 2, 2018 2:43:05 GMT -5
I didn't formally move out of the bedroom until the divorce was announced to everyone. My stbx let me buy a cheap camping air mattress in my study with an old but fetching star wars comforter my son no longer used. After a month, I said fuck it and bought a several hundred dollar aerobed. However, prior to that I was the flip side of @elle 's ex. I stayed up at night drinking and would quite often pass out on the couch watching TV. I would sometimes stay there all night. Other times I would wake up around 2 or 3 am to take a piss, stumble down and re-pass out in our bedroom. That last chapter started, let's say 16 or 17 years into the marriage and 3 to 4 years before it ended. Prior to that I just went to bed and laid there in quiet desparation. Jesus, reading those last few pathetic paragraphs, I'm glad beyond words that I will never again have to go through the bullshit of feeling run out of my own bed and bedroom. Your stbx "let you buy" a cheap camping mattress? Alrighty then. What a bitch! Glad you bought a better one. Also glad you're not self medicating and lying there in quiet desperation. May all of us create such happiness for ourselves, whether we move back to the big bed or out of our marriages entirely.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 2, 2018 6:36:33 GMT -5
I didn't formally move out of the bedroom until the divorce was announced to everyone. My stbx let me buy a cheap camping air mattress in my study with an old but fetching star wars comforter my son no longer used. After a month, I said fuck it and bought a several hundred dollar aerobed. However, prior to that I was the flip side of @elle 's ex. I stayed up at night drinking and would quite often pass out on the couch watching TV. I would sometimes stay there all night. Other times I would wake up around 2 or 3 am to take a piss, stumble down and re-pass out in our bedroom. That last chapter started, let's say 16 or 17 years into the marriage and 3 to 4 years before it ended. Prior to that I just went to bed and laid there in quiet desparation. Jesus, reading those last few pathetic paragraphs, I'm glad beyond words that I will never again have to go through the bullshit of feeling run out of my own bed and bedroom. Your stbx "let you buy" a cheap camping mattress? Alrighty then. What a bitch! Glad you bought a better one. Also glad you're not self medicating and lying there in quiet desperation. May all of us create such happiness for ourselves, whether we move back to the big bed or out of our marriages entirely. Actually, that's not exactly right. I said that since I was going to be sleeping in the bed for several months I would go buy a decent aerobed since the room was my study and really didn't have room for an additional permanent bed. I worked from home quite a bit at the time so still needed the work environment. I also didn't want to get a smaller bed since I planned on getting a king sized bed when I moved out (I'm a big guy). She offered to go out and buy the aerobed that I saw at bed bath and beyond. And then she returned with a coleman camping piece of shit from the sporting goods store. After a week I would have to fill it up at least once or twice in the middle of the night. After a couple months I couldn't take it any more. I went out and got a separate credit card and an actual aerobed was the absolute first thing I purchased. Night and day. She still made me take it down and put it away every day lest someone wonder why I was sleeping in a different room. I had not yet found my voice to simply say "uh because we are getting divorced." It's strange how it was easier to get the courage to leave well before I was able to summon my own voice. I wonder if that's common? In the end, it turns out the aerobed got a good workout last year as well when (for several months) I took in a family who had lost their home in Hurricane Harvey. So two reasons the aerobed was a great purchase. 😁
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Post by saarinista on Oct 2, 2018 12:11:45 GMT -5
shamwow so glad you got woke, So to speak. I slept on an inflatable mattress for quite a while while caring for my aging mother and it's always a bummer when you wake up in the middle of the night and you find that you've sunken into the floor, so to speak. Very deflating and certainly not a very sexy feeling for sure. Two thoughts: I've uduly found bed bath and beyond to be overpriced. Every sofa should be a foldaway bed.
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Post by itsmytime2be on Oct 3, 2018 23:44:47 GMT -5
I moved out of the bedroom I shared with my ex, when our daughter was in elementary school(she's 22 now). I wasn't sleeping well, anyway. His snoring was terrible, and I was scratching myself to death, due to a medication I was taking. He'd wake me up to tell me I was scratching, and I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep. The guest room was a welcome relief for me, and became my sanctuary, to avoid being around him as much as possible! God, I wish I'd have left years before I finally got the guts up to actually do it! I wasted far too much of my precious life on him!
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Post by Black Eagle on Oct 6, 2018 11:48:09 GMT -5
I moved to a separate bedroom over 13 years ago and we’ve been married for 37 years. The public reasons back then was because of my snoring her need for TV at night and other socially acceptable reasons but the real reason was no sex or intimacy between us! Prior to that we were only having sex once or twice a year since the late 90’s. We talked about the fact that we only had sex when she needed it and that sleeping 💤 beside her and living in a sexless marriage was no longer bearable- so I set up the man cave as my room. We first discussed the negative impact the master bedroom brought so we talked about using the guest room as our date place - like all talks about sex it never happened. We evolved to where we are today with sex not ever happening or ever being discussed. I honestly believe we have no interest in each other in this arena but she won’t talk about it and would probably say it’s all on me and that could be true I don’t know anymore but I do know that I would love to share intimacy with someone but I won’t get a divorce at this stage of our life. We travel well together and have a lot of friends and we pretty social with other couples. We’re both retired and still eat some meals together. On the outside people think we’re all good and our kids (all ALDI Ltd with lives of their own) accept our current living arrangements. I don’t recommend this as a answer but we’ve carved out a life that has more ups than downs just no intimacy or sex.
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Post by baza on Oct 10, 2018 20:11:38 GMT -5
In a separate thread, @shynjdude mentioned to winter123 : I would seriously consider telling him tonight that you are moving to another bedroom. Tell him that feeling rejected every night while with him is too painful. And if he is really sexually attracted to you he can visit you in your room for sex. Otherwise, it is off limits. You can gain a lot of clarity this way. I seem to feel that, for me, moving to a separate bedroom would clearly mean "we are past the point of no return. I'm done even feel like pretending we'll ever have an intimate life together again." But let's assume that's just me. Can others who have "moved to the spare bedroom" share WHEN they decided to do this, and how that step triggered future developments -- either toward reconciliation or further separation? For me - and at the time - when I moved out of the bedroom I think I was "making a grand gesture" and hoping she would interpret this grand gesture as a pretty clear indication that she needed to lift her game. And that might have had some impact had I also said something along the lines "I am highly unsatisfied with our sex life and am not returning to the boudoir until such time as you lift your game". However, I didn't do this. What happened is that when she challenged me on it (a week or so later) I wimped out big time and said something along the lines of - "you complain about my snoring, I complain about your snoring so this fixes that". In other words I told her a bullshit story....still hoping she'd get the *real* message without me having to confront her. I have not seen telling bullshit stories ever helping to bring ILIASM deals to resolution, and nor did it in this instance of mine either. I certainly did not move it "toward reconciliation" but may in some way edged it further toward "separation". But really, I don't think it actually did anything to any significant degree....other than put a dent in my cred. As you can see, my "grand gesture" was pretty empty. I had nothing I was prepared to say (or do) to back it up at that time.
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Post by JMX on Oct 10, 2018 22:44:00 GMT -5
In a separate thread, @shynjdude mentioned to winter123 : I seem to feel that, for me, moving to a separate bedroom would clearly mean "we are past the point of no return. I'm done even feel like pretending we'll ever have an intimate life together again." But let's assume that's just me. Can others who have "moved to the spare bedroom" share WHEN they decided to do this, and how that step triggered future developments -- either toward reconciliation or further separation? I didn't move into the guest room, she did. This occurred a few months after I basically checked out of the marriage. She whined one time too many about being crowded by our small children in our bed (a King size), so I kicked her out of the master bedroom. She could have all the room she wanted sleeping alone in our guest queen while the kids could come over and sleep in the "big" bed if they wanted to. She wasn't "allowed" in the master bedroom anymore except to make the bed and clean it. Made it kind of awkward for a couple of years when guests would come over and she'd have to sleep on the couch or in one of the kids' rooms. The worst thing about separating has been that I don't really get the closeness of sleeping next to my children anymore except for those few nights that they have stayed over at my new apartment. I really miss that. To answer your question, by the time I booted her out of our bedroom into the guest room, our marriage was essentially over and nothing was going to fix it. I find this... interesting. Are you saying YOU were the one that preferred co-sleeping and not your refuser wife? 🤔
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Post by JMX on Oct 10, 2018 22:51:00 GMT -5
I moved out - twice. One when I was obviously trying to get his attention, and the other while I was sincerely trying to divorce him.
I caved (honestly) the first time thinking it would change.
I caved (honestly) the second time thinking - why not? It kind of changed but not enough. But enough to keep me from divorcing him.
He has since turned my “room” into the gaming room.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Oct 11, 2018 14:55:29 GMT -5
I didn't move into the guest room, she did. This occurred a few months after I basically checked out of the marriage. She whined one time too many about being crowded by our small children in our bed (a King size), so I kicked her out of the master bedroom. She could have all the room she wanted sleeping alone in our guest queen while the kids could come over and sleep in the "big" bed if they wanted to. She wasn't "allowed" in the master bedroom anymore except to make the bed and clean it. Made it kind of awkward for a couple of years when guests would come over and she'd have to sleep on the couch or in one of the kids' rooms. The worst thing about separating has been that I don't really get the closeness of sleeping next to my children anymore except for those few nights that they have stayed over at my new apartment. I really miss that. To answer your question, by the time I booted her out of our bedroom into the guest room, our marriage was essentially over and nothing was going to fix it. I find this... interesting. I can't imagine why? Yes. I love my kids, you couldn't ask for better ones. They go to sleep in their bedrooms and if they wake up and want to sleep in the big bed, I have no problem with that, at least at their current ages. Honestly, it's just one more way that I get to be close to them and I'll take it for as long as it lasts. That giant king bed was going to waste, since there was a huge gulf between us that she filled with blankets and pillows. If she needed that kind of separation between her and me or the kids, then she could fuck off to the guest bedroom and sleep alone there. Her insistence on sleeping in the same bed was just empty reassurance to her that our marriage was still okay. Kicking her out of the bedroom was a signal that, nope, things aren't okay and you are no longer a priority in my life.
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Post by JMX on Oct 11, 2018 15:07:25 GMT -5
I find this... interesting. I can't imagine why? Yes. I love my kids, you couldn't ask for better ones. They go to sleep in their bedrooms and if they wake up and want to sleep in the big bed, I have no problem with that, at least at their current ages. Honestly, it's just one more way that I get to be close to them and I'll take it for as long as it lasts. That giant king bed was going to waste, since there was a huge gulf between us that she filled with blankets and pillows. If she needed that kind of separation between her and me or the kids, then she could fuck off to the guest bedroom and sleep alone there. Her insistence on sleeping in the same bed was just empty reassurance to her that our marriage was still okay. Kicking her out of the bedroom was a signal that, nope, things aren't okay and you are no longer a priority in my life. Fair. I only find it interesting because co-sleeping has been cited many times as a reason for the SM, and usually by men as a frustration (or intentional roadblock) from their wives using the kids as an excuse.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Oct 11, 2018 15:14:47 GMT -5
I can't imagine why? Yes. I love my kids, you couldn't ask for better ones. They go to sleep in their bedrooms and if they wake up and want to sleep in the big bed, I have no problem with that, at least at their current ages. Honestly, it's just one more way that I get to be close to them and I'll take it for as long as it lasts. That giant king bed was going to waste, since there was a huge gulf between us that she filled with blankets and pillows. If she needed that kind of separation between her and me or the kids, then she could fuck off to the guest bedroom and sleep alone there. Her insistence on sleeping in the same bed was just empty reassurance to her that our marriage was still okay. Kicking her out of the bedroom was a signal that, nope, things aren't okay and you are no longer a priority in my life. Fair. I only find it interesting because co-sleeping has been cited many times as a reason for the SM, and usually by men as a frustration (or intentional roadblock) from their wives using the kids as an excuse. oh, okay, makes sense. Our bedroom was dead long before we had children, so their presence contributed nothing to its demise.
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 11, 2018 15:55:58 GMT -5
I moved out - twice. One when I was obviously trying to get his attention, and the other while I was sincerely trying to divorce him. I caved (honestly) the first time thinking it would change. I caved (honestly) the second time thinking - why not? It kind of changed but not enough. But enough to keep me from divorcing him. He has since turned my “room” into the gaming room. So by turning your room into the gaming room he is effectively telling that you must stay in the marital bed because there is not another room for you.
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