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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 26, 2018 0:08:36 GMT -5
So Im at a point where Im mulling over placing an ad for an AP. Here is what I came with for a strawman profile. I would like to get comments if you are so inclined. Bonus if you are experienced in this game and you are a female.
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47 ,M4F, City, Sexless Situation, married for married, looking for casual connection with FWB potential
Dipping a toe into this.
Me. 47, HL married but sexless, dead bedroom relationship, whatever you care to call it. If I have to explain it then its probably not a good match. To be clear, I am not looking to break up my family and would prefer someone in the same boat. Mentally and emotionally though, the (relation)ship has sailed. Physically, 5'11 mild dad bod (not by much) but heading in the right direction. Im not too bad on the eyes. Well established in my career, DDF, non smoker, social drinker. Well travelled. Known to be witty and a decent conversationalist. On the sexual experience scale, Im fairly experienced (above average) and confident but Im by no means a sex god.
You. F, married (not looking to leave) 35-50ish. Exasperated with the dead bedroom experience. Looking for something more to drown out the silent loneliness of the daily SM grind. You are DDF. Physically - I have no preferences. With regards to age, appearance, personality, I believe it's all about the connection and chemistry.
If this resonates with you, dont be shy and reach out. From what I can tell, online connections are a shit show. But I also know there are good people in bad situations too.
Im on KiK. Lets chat and see what develops. I would love to share some of the literotica Ive written about my past experiences. Could lead to casual friendship and conversation or something beyond. My preference is for someone within 2hr radius for a potential encounter. But I wouldnt discount an online buddy if the energy is right.
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Post by flashjohn on Sept 27, 2018 10:32:06 GMT -5
Just a suggestion. Don't mention your literotica before you meet someone. Just say you would like to chat for a bit and maybe meet for coffee and see if there is any chemistry.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 27, 2018 10:58:25 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback. You are not the first to mention that. I thought about it and decided to leave it in. It is who I am and if it scares (filter) people away, so be it. That may change mind you. But you are right about chatting and coffee/tea if the vibe is right. Thats the idea. So far I did get a few hits on an ad I placed. But my word, AP search really is a shit show Just a suggestion. Don't mention your literotica before you meet someone. Just say you would like to chat for a bit and maybe meet for coffee and see if there is any chemistry.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 27, 2018 11:59:29 GMT -5
I also suggest including your weight, race, eye/hair color and whether you have a full head or are balding. "Not too bad on the eyes" is meaningless. What celebrity do you have any kind of resemblance to.
I also suggest that instead of saying you're not a sex god, say what kind of sex practices you like. Are you mainly vanilla? Enjoy oral on her? Into role playing? Spanking? B&D? If I were a woman looking, I'd particularly be interested in a man who enjoyed foreplay and otherwise giving a woman pleasure.
I suggest raising the age of women you'd consider. First, it's harder for men than women to find affair partners. Second, by saying "fiftyish' (which I assume means about 50-53) you may be ruling out sexy older woman whom you'd find attractive. When I divorced at age 61, men 12-15 years younger were trying to date me. I also was matched on stage in a noncougar role with a guy 15 years younger who convincingly played my same fiance.
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Post by Dan on Oct 1, 2018 16:42:35 GMT -5
I think the mention of "I like writing steamy stories; ask me for a link to my stories on Literotica.com" is a GREAT intro. But I would 100% leave off the part "written about my past experiences"!!! (What woman wants to get to know you by knowing details of your former women?) Please: leave that to HER imagination... maybe these are your fantasies, maybe these are past experiences... or maybe she'll project herself in to the stories. I think "AP" is somewhat jargonish: use it ONLY if it is on a dating/hookup site where that term is common. I think FWB is much more common. If you must: "I'm not looking to date more than one woman; I'm seeking a exclusive FWB relationship so I can get to know you, and we can experience many levels of friendship and intimacy". And, frankly, I'd invert the whole "Me" paragraph: - Lead with "Known to be witty and a decent conversationalist" and "Well travelled"; tell of your personal interests.
- Next, add your physical description (taking northstarmom 's comments to heart).
- Then mention the "HL married but sexless" and seeking an FWB.
I'd leave off the generic "I'm fairly experienced (above average) and confident but Im by no means a sex god". For a few reasons: 1) same comment that NSM made about your looks; it is meaningless because there is no absolute scale, 2) too many men over-estimate their sexual prowess and you ranking yours would be a yellow-flag to me, 3) hey, you have to leave a LITTLE mystery for the third and fourth emails, no? I mean, you know, when you get to listing the "kinky stuff you've done, and have yet to try".
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 2, 2018 2:55:24 GMT -5
Maybe more about the relationship you wish to establish - that you really do want to be friends and not just the benefits (if that's true). And how often you'd be aiming to meet up.
I would avoid the literotica thing. I'd be worried I'd be wank-story fodder esp. when you mention past experiences.
I'd say more about the kind of woman you'd be happy with - clever, fun, etc.
The main thing that was a big turn-off for me when I was looking for an AP was feeling that I was just a body to fuck. I wanted someone who LIKED me and who wanted to fuck me. I ended up with an AP that lasted around 5 years. Never busted. No regrets. It helped me be readier for a real relationship.
Good luck.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 2, 2018 6:21:40 GMT -5
I think the mention of "I like writing steamy stories; ask me for a link to my stories on Literotica.com" is a GREAT intro. But I would 100% leave off the part "written about my past experiences"!!! (What woman wants to get to know you by knowing details of your former women?) Please: leave that to HER imagination... maybe these are your fantasies, maybe these are past experiences... or maybe she'll project herself in to the stories. I think "AP" is somewhat jargonish: use it ONLY if it is on a dating/hookup site where that term is common. I think FWB is much more common. If you must: "I'm not looking to date more than one woman; I'm seeking a exclusive FWB relationship so I can get to know you, and we can experience many levels of friendship and intimacy". And, frankly, I'd invert the whole "Me" paragraph: - Lead with "Known to be witty and a decent conversationalist" and "Well travelled"; tell of your personal interests.
- Next, add your physical description (taking northstarmom 's comments to heart).
- Then mention the "HL married but sexless" and seeking an FWB.
I'd leave off the generic "I'm fairly experienced (above average) and confident but Im by no means a sex god". For a few reasons: 1) same comment that NSM made about your looks; it is meaningless because there is no absolute scale, 2) too many men over-estimate their sexual prowess and you ranking yours would be a yellow-flag to me, 3) hey, you have to leave a LITTLE mystery for the third and fourth emails, no? I mean, you know, when you get to listing the "kinky stuff you've done, and have yet to try". This is VERY good feedback. I agree with all these points.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 2, 2018 6:31:30 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for the feedback. It is all veeeeeeeeerrry good. I have an updated profile I will post when I have a little more time. Ill try to give glimpses of what I experienced evry now and again
Also this is turning out to be quite the adventure. An interesting experiment in human behavior.
At the suggestion of a fellow ILIASMer, I also setup a female profile to get a sense of what the other side sees. Oh my...no words
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Post by shamwow on Oct 2, 2018 6:40:20 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for the feedback. It is all veeeeeeeeerrry good. I have an updated profile I will post when I have a little more time. Ill try to give glimpses of what I experienced evry now and again Also this is turning out to be quite the adventure. An interesting experiment in human behavior. At the suggestion of a fellow ILIASMer, I also setup a female profile to get a sense of what the other side sees. Oh my...no words You should post the female profile and a representative sample of replies. Under the sexually speaking area I'd guess. ballofconfusion and I were having a discussion on what it is like to be a woman recently. It would be interesting to see, especially for someone like myself who is not so.... Aggressive.... With the ladies.
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carries
New Member
Posts: 3
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by carries on Oct 2, 2018 6:42:15 GMT -5
Nicely written! Just add the additional info that members have suggested like weight, height, etc... I'm in the same boat as you. Wondering if enough is enough and time to find an AP. Tough decision for sure.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 2, 2018 7:27:58 GMT -5
@daddeo- I have to ask you this question so please forgive me in advance for the concern. Are you sure you want to do this? From your other posts, it sounds like you are married to a very volatile woman. Have you considered (and accounted for) what might happen in the event you are caught? In my state, a spouse can get a contested divorce for desertion/adultery. I don’t know if it is the same in your state. It would be awful if you lost the very thing that you are staying in the marriage for- protecting your kids. That being said- if you want to pursue the AP route, I agree with everything shamwow told you. I grew up around Latinos- I know that being a good lover is embedded in your DNA. You learn it at a very young age- lol! Anyway, I digress- keep the “past experiences” out of the profile. I don’t think I’m very different from any other woman- especially those of us that are sex starved- I would want to know what you can do for me- not what you’ve done for other women. Good luck with this!
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Post by shamwow on Oct 2, 2018 7:47:44 GMT -5
@daddeo- I have to ask you this question so please forgive me in advance for the concern. Are you sure you want to do this? From your other posts, it sounds like you are married to a very volatile woman. Have you considered (and accounted for) what might happen in the event you are caught? In my state, a spouse can get a contested divorce for desertion/adultery. I don’t know if it is the same in your state. It would be awful if you lost the very thing that you are staying in the marriage for- protecting your kids. That being said- if you want to pursue the AP route, I agree with everything shamwow told you. I grew up around Latinos- I know that being a good lover is embedded in your DNA. You learn it at a very young age- lol! Anyway, I digress- keep the “past experiences” out of the profile. I don’t think I’m very different from any other woman- especially those of us that are sex starved- I would want to know what you can do for me- not what you’ve done for other women. Good luck with this! A contested divorce simply means you don't agree on the terms. It doesn't mean you will lose the kids. However it often does mean that things are harder than necessary for the kids than necessary as they see their parents battling it out. And like it or not if you get caught you will likely get painted with the "bad guy" brush. But neither of us are lawyers. The best advice is to go see one in your area and see how things would shake out. Every state is different.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 2, 2018 9:18:01 GMT -5
So some initial stats and relevant commentary if you care to humour me.
"Real" male profile. Online 1 day In box messages: 8 (Although Im sure half are fake, the other half are profiles I viewed and I suppose are checking back)
Fake FEMBOT profile: online 10 hrs Inbox messages: 75 ...have not had a chance to view messages but will post anything amusing
I am told that there is a "new" profile effect where people only search the latest profiles. So Im guessing things die down a bit after the inital surge.
Initial observation is a 10 to 1 ratio even though the female profile has been up less than half the time.
This is remarkable considering that males have to pay to send messages while females do not, ensuring a barrier to communication biased against men. The cards are clearly stacked against the men.
It would be interesting to do a similar experiment on a free site where that bias does not exist. Maybe when I have some free time.
The other observation is that generalized ratios of male to female response rates probably vary from city to city.
As a closet anthropologist who is an avid observer of human behavioour in its natural element, this is all very entertaining and a welcome distraction from SM life.
Hope you find the same
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 2, 2018 9:52:11 GMT -5
Your observations are valid if not filtered through the lens of missing context. Volatile seems too strong a descriptor although I can see why others would see it that way. And certainly there is cultural context involved. My wife is a fiery latina in the style of rosie perez/sophia vergara/michelle rodriguez and others with the thick accent and all. It is both a curse and a blessing. When she wants to be vicious she will be and when she wants to be loving she is as equally passionate. Extremism latin style. I have thought about this for almost 2 years, I have done extensive research, talked to both men and women, some on this forum about their experiences. So while I cannot know how this will turn out, I cannot say that it is a misinformed or worse, impulsive reaction. The following response I sent to another male SMer who is probably a few grief cycles behind me might illustrate some further context. " someone mentioned either you change your expectations or she does. In my case, I moved on. I accepted the reality that she doesn't want to fuck me. And this brought huge peace of mind. The "whys" of that dont matter in the end. Sure you can get the ocassional duty sex (even some good duty sex in my case) if you play the game right. But I decided I didnt want to play that game any longer for the simple reason it created too much imbalance in the relationship dynamics. Furthermore, its repulsive to me that a spouse needs to will herself to have sex. At the heart of marriage is the covenant pledge of fidelity From where I sit, a spouse that refuses sex breaches the covenant of fidelity in marriage as much as a spouse that decides to be unfaithful. Mind you Ive been married 20 years, the db started to creep in about 6 years ago and progressively worse. So what did I do? I moved out of the bedroom, started to work on myself, my wellness. This changed the dynamic and created emotional distance. I became a counter refuser on the few ocassions she did initiate. Eventually I stumbled my way into some online affairs that boosted my self esteem immensely. I now feel ready for a physical affair. YMMV Before you judge, you should know that this is not what I signed up for and I dont take my actions lightly and without due consideration. For me, it is this or my sanity. Because fuck resentment." @daddeo- I have to ask you this question so please forgive me in advance for the concern. Are you sure you want to do this? From your other posts, it sounds like you are married to a very volatile woman. Have you considered (and accounted for) what might happen in the event you are caught? In my state, a spouse can get a contested divorce for desertion/adultery. I don’t know if it is the same in your state. It would be awful if you lost the very thing that you are staying in the marriage for- protecting your kids. That being said- if you want to pursue the AP route, I agree with everything shamwow told you. I grew up around Latinos- I know that being a good lover is embedded in your DNA. You learn it at a very young age- lol! Anyway, I digress- keep the “past experiences” out of the profile. I don’t think I’m very different from any other woman- especially those of us that are sex starved- I would want to know what you can do for me- not what you’ve done for other women. Good luck with this!
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Post by sadkat on Oct 2, 2018 11:47:01 GMT -5
@daddeo- I couldn’t tell if the “before you judge” statement was from you or your friend. I would be the very last person to judge you on this- believe me. I’ve had my share of angst about my situation and agree with your friend’s assessment. But- coming on the heals of your post on Saturday, I was a tad bit concerned. You don’t need a nasty court battle over your kids because your wife thinks you’ve “wronged” her. I really can’t wait for some of the responses you’ll be getting. You and greatcoastal putting yourselves out there for us has been very interesting and educational and I appreciate your efforts.
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