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Post by cclulu on Sept 8, 2018 13:39:52 GMT -5
Today I said it to myself again, i’ll file for divorce. But sadly not yet.
I’m 36/M professional, married 8 years to 31/F. 2 kids, aged 5 and 6. Son’s about to have important school interviews in 3 mths, so i’ll wait for 3 mths before seriously considering divorce.
Wife was always emotional. All the red flags. I was weak, so i caved into gaslighting almost everytime, she trained me into her atm machine.
Quiet days with kids are what i enjoy now. Sex currently almost non-existent.
I feel i’m going to divorce her sooner or later. But i fear the fight. I don’t want to be burdened so much financially so much so i can never be free of debt again.
2 mths ago i woke up and realized i wanted a divorce. Now i jog 8 km daily, lift weights daily, and do 1 hour yoga daily. All the hard physical trainning has toughened me up, so i hold boundaries better, and little things like wife’s screaming do not bother me as much.
But today wife flipped and really screamed and threw away my stuff. Nothing important, just some card games. I’ve confronted her b4 when she screamed. But i was tired today. I felt a headache, i wasn’t strong enough. I let her bully me around, and it happened in front of the kids. I feel like such a looser.
Like i lost a fight. Like all the physical and mental training wasn’t good enough, or wasn’t good enough yet.
So now i feel so down and feel like wanting to stay fucking depressed. I lifted instead of coz. But then night came and i’m feeling restless and sleepless.
I’m a believer of personal growth now. The question is, how can i find the strength to carry on?
And how will i know when i’m strong enough to file for divorce?
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 8, 2018 14:07:24 GMT -5
How can you find the strength to carry on?
Individual therapy could help as could developing supportive platonic friendships.
As for “
I feel i’m going to divorce her sooner or later. But i fear the fight. I don’t want to be burdened so much financially so much so i can never be free of debt again.”
See a lawyer to find out how that would shake out. For instance, in some states, once you are married for 10 years, your spouse is entitled to half your assets including your retirement.
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Post by baza on Sept 8, 2018 17:57:19 GMT -5
I'll stick to one aspect Brother cclulu .... the financials. It reads like you are in your 40's which would mean you probably have 20-25 years left in which to repair your financial position once you offload your missus and pay the short term financial cost of that. That 20-25 year window ought be more than adequate to achieve this - presupposing that you have a solid plan you are working to and you are disciplined enough to follow it and endure some short/medium term discomfort. When you see a lawyer (and do that a.s.a.p.) it might be smart to also engage a reputable financial planner to help you develop and institute your path to returned financial health. Only thing is, *time*. The sooner you get started on this (divorce and paddling your own financial canoe) the better your result will be. The longer you leave it the worse your result will be. PS - I see that you are 36. That gives you 29 years. If you start now you could be looking at a vastly improved situation by 2023. Really making headway by 2028. Be well on top of it by 2033, and sitting pretty by 2038. But there is not a day to lose. |
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 9, 2018 16:22:16 GMT -5
Today I said it to myself again, i’ll file for divorce. But sadly not yet. . . . I’m a believer of personal growth now. The question is, how can i find the strength to carry on? And how will i know when i’m strong enough to file for divorce? I just read a post on another forum that dealt with moving on in life from an abusive relationship. The author wrote in part " Maybe that’s why we become hopeless: we think we already have all the sources of strength we’ll ever have. When they don’t seem powerful enough for our healing, we assume we’ll never find more, so our brokenness seems permanent." Others have advised you to get legal, financial and personal guidance - do it because then you will see that you have the sources of strength to heal yourself. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 10, 2018 5:44:07 GMT -5
Today I said it to myself again, i’ll file for divorce. But sadly not yet. . . . I’m a believer of personal growth now. The question is, how can i find the strength to carry on? And how will i know when i’m strong enough to file for divorce? I just read a post on another forum that dealt with moving on in life from an abusive relationship. The author wrote in part " Maybe that’s why we become hopeless: we think we already have all the sources of strength we’ll ever have. When they don’t seem powerful enough for our healing, we assume we’ll never find more, so our brokenness seems permanent." Others have advised you to get legal, financial and personal guidance - do it because then you will see that you have the sources of strength to heal yourself. Wow jim44444 that quote blew me away. Such a good point by that author. |
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 10, 2018 10:56:21 GMT -5
Take it from someone whose W did the same crap as your W did, I know what it is like to be in your shoes. Of course, there's the option 1 which is divorce. It is costly but you will get out with your sanity intact. Or you can be like me who stayed.
Obviously, her behavior is inexcusable and she won't listen to you because she believes that you're the problem in her marriage. In my situation, the people who ultimately talked her down was their side of the family. In my case, my W's relatives believe that she and not me is the problem. Why don't you talk to their relatives about this issue?
I used to take my W's crap and shut up about it, but sometimes I have to be an ahole in order get my voices heard. If she is being unreasonable, then you should be an ahole and yell at her for it. If you are being too nice, she will step all over you and have no respect for you. If you stand your ground, at least next time she tries to confront you, she will think twice before doing that. Sorry ladies, I used to treat women with respect but I learned over the years that sometimes you have to stand up for something you believe in otherwise they will run all over you.
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Post by flashjohn on Sept 10, 2018 15:06:46 GMT -5
But today wife flipped and really screamed and threw away my stuff. This is unacceptable. You need to think about why you are letting yourself be treated this way. That is what I did, and it took me a lot longer than you. |
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 10, 2018 16:43:41 GMT -5
But today wife flipped and really screamed and threw away my stuff. This is unacceptable. You need to think about why you are letting yourself be treated this way. That is what I did, and it took me a lot longer than you. The worst thing is that his W is probably badmouthing their kids about him. As the result, the kids probably won't respect him either. Divorce or not, he really need to grow a backbone, no offense. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 11, 2018 17:44:58 GMT -5
I'll stick to one aspect Brother cclulu .... the financials. It reads like you are in your 40's which would mean you probably have 20-25 years left in which to repair your financial position once you offload your missus and pay the short term financial cost of that. That 20-25 year window ought be more than adequate to achieve this - presupposing that you have a solid plan you are working to and you are disciplined enough to follow it and endure some short/medium term discomfort. When you see a lawyer (and do that a.s.a.p.) it might be smart to also engage a reputable financial planner to help you develop and institute your path to returned financial health. Only thing is, *time*. The sooner you get started on this (divorce and paddling your own financial canoe) the better your result will be. The longer you leave it the worse your result will be. PS - I see that you are 36. That gives you 29 years. If you start now you could be looking at a vastly improved situation by 2023. Really making headway by 2028. Be well on top of it by 2033, and sitting pretty by 2038. But there is not a day to lose. I'm not sure if it applies to his situation or not but if the spouse is the big spender just cutting off that tap via divorce can make a huge difference. It is amazing the pure loads of crap that my ex bought. Of course if he is the spender.... But in that case he's screwed anyway. |
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Post by baza on Sept 14, 2018 3:15:23 GMT -5
Yeas Brother shamwow . If it is *you* who is trashing the joint finances, then *you* are indeed heading for a hard landing. And most likely, you'll take the marriage down with you. |
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Post by csl on Sept 14, 2018 12:41:40 GMT -5
Quick question - I seem to recall that one spouse can make a legal declaration that they are no longer responsible for the other spouse's debt, accrued in the future. Is that a real thing, or is my rememberer malfunctioning?
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Post by baza on Sept 20, 2018 23:19:47 GMT -5
Not so common these days Brother csl (in my jurisdiction at least) The law of "joint and several liability" applies. Say you were married to a spendthrift, and you were silly enough to let them have a joint card with you. You will be personally be held responsible for any debt accrued. So will your spouse. So will you both be. "Who" pays it (you alone - or her alone - or both you jointly) the creditor (or the law) doesn't care. Different matter if the spendthift has a card in their name alone. Then the liability is theirs alone. Take Brother h 's set up. Apparently he pays off the card debt (plus some arrears) and then she loads the card up to the max again. She's on the hook for that, as are they both, as is Brother h . In practical terms (given that Mrs h doesn't have any money) that leaves Brother h holding the baby. The reality is that if you let someone else have a joint card then you assume liability for whatever they run up on it. The law figures that if you made the choice to let someone else tap into your money in this way, then that's your choice, and you assume the consequences of that choice. If it's a problem, you have the option of cancelling the spendthrifts card (but up until you do, you wear the debt). Again, this is in my jurisdiction. "Saying" (even by public notice) that you are *not responsible for person X's debt from X date* doesn't mean jack. If they still have a card that lets them access your money, you will still wear it. |
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 21, 2018 6:53:09 GMT -5
“The worst thing is that his W is probably badmouthing their kids about him. As the result, the kids probably won't respect him either. Divorce or not, he really need to grow a backbone, no offense.”
No, the worst thing is that the kids are witnessing her out of control behavior. They may be suffering from ptsd. They may be assuming that hers is the kind of behavior they should expect in a love relationship. She also may be physically or verbally abusivr to them.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 21, 2018 6:59:33 GMT -5
Baz said: “Different matter if the spendthift has a card in their name alone. Then the liability is theirs alone.”
I’m pretty sure that when I divorced in Florida all debts and assets except inheritances were assumed by the court to be joint. This was the case for long term marriages of 10 or more years. During some point in the divorce proceedings the accumulation of debt amount was frozen as counted for the division of assets. That way neither spouse could vindictively stick the other with responsibility for much more debt.
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Post by javba on Sept 21, 2018 7:16:41 GMT -5
Good morning, at some point the kids start realizing how bad things are. The children are not immune to what is going on, and uninformed they're likely to assume worst.
We are living in a time when the divorce rate is 50%, guess which half of the gender ends up taking care of the kids?
If situations are that toxic it is a question of balancing spousal as well as children's Mental Health damage versus single / co-parenting
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