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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 13:08:06 GMT -5
gettinbetter.com/needlove.htmlThis is a long article, it is packed with psychological advice. You may need to take several days to read it and want to come back to parts of it again. it's very helpful at describing codependency, its origin and what keeps you there.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2018 16:41:43 GMT -5
"Do you love to be needed? Or need to be loved?"
The answer to that question may depend on why one would be needed.
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Post by solodriver on Aug 26, 2018 17:27:48 GMT -5
In my case - both
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Post by sadkat on Aug 26, 2018 20:55:57 GMT -5
That is a long read. It will take me some time to process. One topic that did resonate with me on my first pass through the article is that I do feel like I need to earn someone’s love. Can’t really relate it back to my childhood yet. That’s what I’m gonna have to ponder a little more. 🤔
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 26, 2018 21:04:26 GMT -5
That is a long read. It will take me some time to process. One topic that did resonate with me on my first pass through the article is that I do feel like I need to earn someone’s love. Can’t really relate it back to my childhood yet. That’s what I’m gonna have to ponder a little more. 🤔 The more you read it the more examples it gives to childhood events. Some will apply more than others, it covers a lot of ground. But it is a lot to take in, it's right at the edge of my paygrade  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 8, 2018 21:18:58 GMT -5
That is a long read. It will take me some time to process. One topic that did resonate with me on my first pass through the article is that I do feel like I need to earn someone’s love. Can’t really relate it back to my childhood yet. That’s what I’m gonna have to ponder a little more. 🤔 My one and only 'recent" experience in opposite land was with a woman who desired me. Just being me, no matter what that was, was enough " I want some hot stuff baby this evening I want some hot stuff baby tonight!" ( that song is playing as I type this!! LOL) More than once I found myself thinking and acting out " I need to earn it". I literally said " I don't feel worthy" thinking, "I'm being honest , humble, and showing my gratitude". The other side of that coin, the more you see yourself that way ,the harder it is for someone else to believe in you and receive a boost from being with you. Her response? "Oh stop that! That just comes from years of what your ex did to you, we are going to fix that." Yes be honest, but not full of negatives at the wrong time!! Then on another night, she once again ,invited herself into my bed. What did I do? I again said (among other things) " I want to earn it first". Now, part of that is me wanting to take it slow, build up to "the mood" praise, compliments, touch, sharing, a gift, giving intimacy etc.....( part of that goes into codependency and childhood) Inviting a woman to sit with me outdoors on my front porch, under open moonlit skies ,listening to the distant ocean is one of the greatest pleasures I yearn to share with the right woman....THEN proceed to the bedroom. However, how much time do you spend "earning it?" Does it ever end? What have they done for you, to earn it? Given you a crumb? Maybe I am wrong, I still feel like I have to earn it. I am working on how to be a receiver! Feeling and acting worthy is a NEW experience! I hope this is somewhat close to what you are going through. It's time to start taking (receiving) and reminding yourself I deserve it. I am SEXY, I am to be cherished and desired! |
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Post by DryCreek on Sept 9, 2018 0:56:28 GMT -5
greatcoastal, apparently she did think you “earned it”, maybe for reasons that aren’t obvious to you. Her opinion is really the one that matters. Maybe “too easy” is a red flag, just like “too difficult” is a dealbreaker, but as they say, “When you’ve made the sale, stop selling”.
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Post by sadkat on Sept 9, 2018 14:37:03 GMT -5
greatcoastal- I’ve been thinking about this a lot and am realizing that, for me, it goes a lot deeper. I was a very sensitive young child and was raised in a strict family. I learned quickly that being a good girl brought approval and prevented hurt feelings. I think that is how I developed the need to be accommodating and seek approval from those who are important to me. My teenage years were not kind to me. I was not an attractive teenager by any stretch of the imagination. I was a late bloomer- the classic ugly duckling. That’s where I developed a low self esteem. I didn’t start blooming until my early 20’s. By the time I started getting male attention, I was dating my h. So I entered married life with a strong need for approval and thinking how grateful I was to have the opportunity for the husband and children I dreamed of having and thought was out of reach as an ugly teenager. I honestly think the need to earn love and affection came from that. This became the norm in our relationship over the next 25 years. It’s ingrained and unraveling all of this will be my biggest challenge. I’m hopeful my new online friends ( and counseling) will help me succeed.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 9, 2018 15:48:15 GMT -5
Dear sadkat, being open and honest about your fears, and willing to confront them, sounds like a HUGE step forwards in the right direction. Reminds me of a song " learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all" Here's to new beginnings, Trial and error, for every one step back take, two steps forward, you can do this!! |
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Post by Handy on Sept 15, 2018 0:08:26 GMT -5
I always think a guy has to give something or work towards improving a situation to make the relationship move along smoothly. In a way I need to be needed in a way where I do my part to be loved. If I do too much giving and doing it without results, then I feel used and almost like an under or un-paid servant. In a way both people need to be needed in the correct amounts and with what ever each person needs the most. The book "The Five Love Languages" brought out why good people fail at relationships. If you are a 'gifts person' but your partner is an 'acts of service person', you giving your partner a gift doesn't carry much value. They would rather that you give them some 'acts of service' activity. Since most of our members are 'physical touch and sexuality deprived' That is what we desire and value. So I say most of us want to be loved in a manner that we value. Of course wanting to be needed for sex adds to the sexual excitement and pleasure.
In a final analysis, I admit to both, I want to be loved and needed in moderate amounts so I admit to being codependent, inter dependent, and independent. It depends on the situation.
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