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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 20, 2018 23:06:17 GMT -5
I don't have an article to print on this but i would like to read a few! I think I have read some in the past, but I can't find them.
I personally think it's a bad idea, until things are quite serious. I consider (quite serious ) as more than going steady, especially if you are older (like myself, and major life changes are going to happen, selling homes, getting married, moving, blending families etc.....)
I don't want my daughters to have to constantly stress over worrying about, " is this going to be our new mother? Do we have to like her? Are you going to abandon us for her? Does she have kids,are we now suddenly getting more brothers and sisters? " That's a lot to put on teens who have enough on their plate. Meanwhile I know this relationship could end, so why include them until things are much more certain?
Someone was recommending the book "Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey.
In his book Steve says" the way a man introduces you gives good insight into the status of your relationship. If a man introduces you as a friend, or says your name with no tittle at all, Steve says you have nothing".
That may be real good information when you are first getting married, but other things have to be considered when involving your kids/teens.
So what is that going to be like when you are single again and you do start meeting men/woman , dating, getting your sex and intimacy needs filled, but you're certainly not ready to get married right away after what you went through? What if your partner starts wondering (to soon for you), aren't you going to tell others about us?
It seems like a whole new set of boundaries and circumstances when you start being FWB and still leading two seperate lives.
My thoughts go much stronger on NOT involving the kids/teens.
I once asked my soon to be 16 yr old daughter about this ( ithink I posted it here once and I can't find it) "If I go out with a woman on a date, do you want me bringing her home and introducing her to you?" She said " not really, because I don't want to get too caught up in thinking that this is going to be another mother, and wonder if it's really going to happen".
I liked to read more about it and find articles that word it much better than I can.
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Post by baza on Aug 20, 2018 23:41:38 GMT -5
I think Brother greatcoastal , that you are pretty unlikely to hook up with some total dud of a woman - particularly now you've been fired in the crucible of an ILIASM shithole and been exposed to the lessons that came with that. Chances are, you are likely to associate with fairly normal women. Among the many normal women out there. She'll probably have some baggage (just like you, just like me) but at heart be a decent honourable person. Point I am trying to get around to here, is that you are unlikely - when the time comes - to be introducing some head-case person to your kids. Is that the question ? - "When the time comes" to introduce a new love (or at least like) to your kids ? Personally (and one of my kids was still a minor at the time) I didn't introduce Ms enna to either of my kids until I was sure our deal had legs and a future. We shacked up together in April 2010. I didn't introduce my kids to her until about November that year. My youngest is still a little "stand offish" toward Ms enna (but he's pretty much like that with everybody) but they all get on fine with each other now. Bear in mind there's the reverse angle with this. You being introduced to her kids. Ms enna threw me into that situation real early on. Naturally my winning charm and extreme modesty won them over in an instant !!!!!!! - not !!!! But those relationships have become real solid over the years, on an adult to adult basis. Mate, I don't think you have much to worry about in this situation. You're a good bloke, chances are whoever you hook up with will be a nice chick. Your kids are pretty normal aren't they. The (as yet unmet) chicks kids might be pretty normal too. The peripheral stuff of developing realationships - when the time comes - will likely work its' own way out. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 21, 2018 7:09:44 GMT -5
Don’t think casual dates and fwbs should be introduced to one’s kids. I think one should know the person well and have been dating them frequently in person at least 6 months. “Knowing” someone through Internet charting doesn’t count as dating.
Single mothers of minor children need to be especially careful as their children can be targets of pedophiles. Many children also are physically abused by their mother’s boyfriends and live-ins. I shuddered when my massage therapist told me her boyfriend of a month gets along well with her young kids. She told me he is an ex con who recently violated his parole but she knows he has turned his life around because they met at church.
Sweet talk and sex can cloud one’s judgment, so know a romantic partner well - even do a background check — before having them meet your kids.
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Post by javba on Aug 21, 2018 16:50:47 GMT -5
Don’t think casual dates and fwbs should be introduced to one’s kids. I think one should know the person well and have been dating them frequently in person at least 6 months. “Knowing” someone through Internet charting doesn’t count as dating. Single mothers of minor children need to be especially careful as their children can be targets of pedophiles. Many children also are physically abused by their mother’s boyfriends and live-ins. I shuddered when my massage therapist told me her boyfriend of s month gets along well with her young kids. She told me he is an ex con who recently violated his parole but she knows he has turned his life around because they met at church. Sweet talk and sex can cloud one’s judgment so know a romantic partner well - even due a background check — before having them meet your kids. Agreed 100%, Also the info to be shared needs to be on the level of understanding of the child - i.e. a 4 year old does not need the info a 14 year old does, likewise be ready to respond in a non confrontational but available manner if you want things to progress well and not get stuck with the kid/s |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 22, 2018 16:49:47 GMT -5
Does anyone think that by not bringing a date to your house, when the kids are there that you are again putting the children first? That your date will get the impression that you are going to do the same thing to them, put them last and the children first?
So many questions as I step into opposite land!
Do you think my teens could and should accept the fact that I am going to have new friends too? including woman, and can have them over the house and introduce them , 'cordially' to my family.
I am certainly meeting my teens boyfriends and girlfriends and know to not ask much and not embarrass them!
Would I have sex at my house with teens there? No! Would I show some intimacy and affection in front of my teens? Maybe-- I think it could be good for them. It certainly was lacking in my marriage.
So many questions!
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 22, 2018 17:08:05 GMT -5
"Does anyone think that by not bringing a date to your house, when the kids are there that you are again putting the children first? That your date will get the impression that you are going to do the same thing to them, put them last and the children first?"
Of course your children should come first before a romantic partner. This particularly is true if one has minor children. One of my friends was dating a man who after his divorce moved from Asia to the U.s. to be with my friend. He left behind a daughter who was about 13. He told my friend that he could do that because he'd left his ex wife the house, and at 13, his daughter didn't need him any more. My friend -- who was childless -- thought that was fine. I thought he seemed to not take his parenting responsibilities seriously and I wouldn't want a man like that. It ended up that my friend broke up with him because he was very selfish. If a date expected you to put the date first, I'd see a problem with that. They may not be willing to have your children in their lives.
Dating someone is not the same as being married to someone.
"Do you think my teens could and should accept the fact that I am going to have new friends too? including woman, and can have them over the house and introduce them , 'cordially' to my family. "
It will depend on your teens' personalities. Some mature adults can't accept the fact that after being widowed for several years, their parents want to date.
Still, I don't suggest introducing your teens to someone until you've been in a serious relationship of at least 6 months. And 6 months after your divorce is final seems very early to me to expect teens to adjust to your not being wtih their mother.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 22, 2018 19:48:08 GMT -5
Of course your children should come first before a romantic partner. This particularly is true if one has minor children. Dating someone is not the same as being married to someone. "Do you think my teens could and should accept the fact that I am going to have new friends too? including woman, and can have them over the house and introduce them , 'cordially' to my family. " It will depend on your teens' personalities. Some mature adults can't accept the fact that after being widowed for several years, their parents want to date. Still, I don't suggest introducing your teens to someone until you've been in a serious relationship of at least 6 months. And 6 months after your divorce is final seems very early to me to expect teens to adjust to your not being wtih their mother. You and I probably get different information from different sources. That can be a good thing. There will always be opinions, examples, different circumstances, etc.... That's why I want to be open minded about this. It may just come down to trial and error. I do like the approach in this article, and I have lived through a terrible marriage of "kids first". And I was the one who did the majority of the kid raising. My teens are going on 15,16 , 18,19, 20 and 21. Yes dating someone is not the same as being married to someone, and my teens who are dating (all but one of them) realize this too. They introduce me to their friends moms. Divorced single woman. They see other woman speak with me at church. This has been going on all of my years of being " Mr Mom" only now it's different. Honestly I really can't see me feeling comfortable with any more than "being on a date, bringing a woman to my home, showing her my home, introducing her to my daughters and son, (briefly and cordially-like I do with any adult that is coming in our house) sitting on the front porch, or sitting on the back deck, ( for a short while) maybe showing her some of my paintings, and pretty much leaving and go someplace else". Knowing that the following week I have my home all to myself. One thing that is eventually going to happen is this. My daughters are going to go back to there moms home and tell her " dad has a girlfriend, dad went on a date". That coin has two sides, the same will/could happen to me. Now ,one of my daughters,may never even care to tell her mother. There's a lot of things my daughter realizes, " mom doesn't understand like dad does" and she tells me things about her boyfriends that mom will never know. My other daughter gossips and blabs about everything! My take on the 6 months being to soon? I also take into account the two years of the family knowing we were getting divorced, ( and the two years before that of my ex detaching herself from the marriage) watching my ex's toxic behavior, and getting feedback from my teens that they don't blame me and think everyone is better off. (not counting my 2 detached older sons). |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 22, 2018 20:33:58 GMT -5
"
Honestly I really can't see me feeling comfortable with any more than "being on a date, bringing a woman to my home, showing her my home, introducing her to my daughters and son, sitting on the front porch, or sitting on the back deck, maybe showing her some of my paintings, and pretty much leaving and go someplace else". Knowing that the following week I have my home all to myself."
Why are you bringing a casual date back to your home with your daughter and son there? If you are still in the getting to know you stage or if you are in the fuck like bunnies stage, what would be the point of introducing the date to your kids?
As for the idea that you meet your kids' date: That's being a good parent. Of course, you as the parent want to see what kind of people your children are dating. You want to make sure those people are appropriate. You want to talk to your kids about their relationships so as to guide them. Your kids don't have that responsibility over you, and you don't want to give them that responsibility or have them think that's their responsibility.
"One thing that is eventually going to happen is this. My daughters are going to go back to there moms home and tell her " dad has a girlfriend, dad went on a date". That coin has two sides, the same will/could happen to me. Now ,one of my daughters,may never even care to tell her mother. There's a lot of things my daughter realizes, " mom doesn't understand like dad does" and she tells me things about her boyfriends that mom will never know. My other daughter gossips and blabs about everything!"
Do you want your wife to know about your casual dating or would you rather her know after you're really in a serious relationship?
"My take on the 6 months being to soon? I also take into account the two years of the family knowing we were getting divorced, watching my ex's toxic behavior, and getting feedback from my teens that they don't blame me and think everyone is better off. (not counting my 2 detached older sons)."
Everyone may be in reality better off but that doesn't mean your kids have adjusted to the divorce or to the idea of their parents dating and having sex with other people. You'd been thinking about divorce a long time and planning for it. It's important to realize that your kids may have seen the problems in the marriage but that didn't mean they thought it really would end. Let them adjust to the major changes in their lives before introducing them to your dating.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 22, 2018 21:13:10 GMT -5
greatcoastal, I’d suggest that the timing is good to introduce a girlfriend to your kids when they ask why they haven’t met her yet. And not necessarily all on the same timeline. Keeping early relationships away from the house when the kids are home isn’t about priorities, it’s about shielding them from details (and potentially, volatility) of your dating life. When you cross a milestone of many months’ exclusivity, then the risk and volatility is greatly reduced. And she’ll want to get a better picture of what she’s getting into as well.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 22, 2018 21:33:33 GMT -5
" Why are you bringing a casual date back to your home with your daughter and son there? If you are still in the getting to know you stage or if you are in the fuck like bunnies stage, what would be the point of introducing the date to your kids? Do you want your wife to know about your casual dating or would you rather her know after you're really in a serious relationship? Everyone may be in reality better off but that doesn't mean your kids have adjusted to the divorce or to the idea of their parents dating and having sex with other people. You'd been thinking about divorce a long time and planning for it. It's important to realize that your kids may have seen the problems in the marriage but that didn't mean they thought it really would end. Let them adjust to the major changes in their lives before introducing them to your dating. Most important, is me thanking you for taking your time ,and sharing your thoughts and advice with me. It is greatly appreciated! Why bringing the date back? Well even if I am in the "fuck like bunnies stage" I am (as you described me before) not a NSA guy. That means that there will already have been several dates and days of communicating and soul bearing. Brutal honesty. Through our conversations my kids have hinted to me that they are pulling for me, and would actually like to see me happy with a woman, as long as it doesn't affect them too much. And that's the way i would want it. Letting them know that dad has a social life, dad has peace and joy again, and dad is not some assexul like their mom is. The teens don't want to be like there mom! There's a lot my kids know and talk to me about. They are on the brink of adulthood and need to be treated that way. (except the one youngest) But even she seems happy when she asks me " are you going on a date? When are you going to date somebody?" Mom just goes out with the other old women". Would I want my ex to know? Casual or serious? Heck yes!! What a "in your face! after what you did to me for decades!" (i'm sorry if I offend any of you ladies with this next comment) let her know and at the same time it's none of her F'ing business! She threw that away a long time ago. And, and, practically every woman I have met or had the slightest chance of being with has been far more attractive than my ex. I want my kids to see that. She is going to be a noble woman too, I want them to see that too! And tell my ex about it. Maybe it would motivate my ex to TRY to find a man? Whatever makes her happy, yet i feel sorry for the next victim! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 22, 2018 21:43:22 GMT -5
greatcoastal , I’d suggest that the timing is good to introduce a girlfriend to your kids when they ask why they haven’t met her yet. And not necessarily all on the same timeline. Keeping early relationships away from the house when the kids are home isn’t about priorities, it’s about shielding them from details (and potentially, volatility) of your dating life. When you cross a milestone of many months’ exclusivity, then the risk and volatility is greatly reduced. And she’ll want to get a better picture of what she’s getting into as well. You word that so well! Thank you for putting good motivational thoughts in my head! "And she'll want to get a better picture of what she's getting into as well" That is a big motivator for my thoughts of showing the house and introducing the family. Ironically the opposite is happening. My daughter is connecting with the single, divorced moms at church. They want to adopt her, and my daughter loves them. She's a big hugger, mature, and loves getting the woman attention that her mother was a failure at. Then my daughter is introducing them to her single ,divorced father! So some of these woman my teens already know. These women come and sit next to my daughter and the next thing I know they are speaking to me and telling me their names and more about themselves. I have to be careful. Either not to play too much into it, or not to miss a big hint. (life is fun) All new ground for me as I press forward, all new ground. |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 22, 2018 22:00:15 GMT -5
greatcoastal, if she already knows them, then telling her that “Miss Z and I have gone on a few dates”, but still I wouldn’t loop her in too quickly, as she might share things she shouldn’t in her attempts at playing matchmaker. And you need to sort out your own decisions without undue attachment or objection from the kids. That’s perhaps the second most important reason not to share the details early - you’re not looking for someone who loves kids / the kids love her. That’s important too, but more important first is that the two of you work.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 23, 2018 7:33:58 GMT -5
greatcoastal , if she already knows them, then telling her that “Miss Z and I have gone on a few dates”, but still I wouldn’t loop her in too quickly, as she might share things she shouldn’t in her attempts at playing matchmaker. And you need to sort out your own decisions without undue attachment or objection from the kids. That’s perhaps the second most important reason not to share the details early - you’re not looking for someone who loves kids / the kids love her. That’s important too, but more important first is that the two of you work. I like this approach! However recently I found myself in a double bind. A woman who thinks, "if you are not introducing me to your family after a few dates but are willing to have sex with me, then you are ashamed of me and just using me.." Totally dismissing her part in all of this and how strong she came onto me and let me know of her desire for me, before meeting my teens. (some heavy love bombing going on) Meanwhile this same person wants to date other people and is very willing to end things at, what she sees as " me having too much trouble in taking the lead". Just more manipulative Mind F going on! I am always learning, and will continue to, as I put my foot in the dating pool, and how to handle raising the family at the same time. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 24, 2018 1:26:30 GMT -5
GC said: “I like this approach! However recently I found myself in a double bind. A woman who thinks, "if you are not introducing me to your family after a few dates but are willing to have sex with me, then you are ashamed of me and just using me.." Totally dismissing her part in all of this and how strong she came onto me and let me know of her desire for me, before meeting my teens.”
Thus, you quickly learned she was not compatible with you. Your values differed. You also may have sexual incompatibility.
I would not introduce my kids to someone until I had been in a romantic relationship with a person for at least severest months. To consider myself in a romantic relationship, I’d have to have had sex with them and consider the person sexually compatible with me. Someone who wanted to meet my kids before having sex with me would not be a person I’d consider for a romantic relationship. Someone who would conclude that I was ashamed of them because I wanted to have sex with them before introducing them to my kids has logic that baffles me. D also wonder if they considered having sex with someone as meaning one was headed for marriage with that person.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 24, 2018 1:34:45 GMT -5
gag said: “My daughter is connecting with the single, divorced moms at church. They want to adopt her, and my daughter loves them. She's a big hugger, mature, and loves getting the woman attention that her mother was a failure at. Then my daughter is introducing them to her single ,divorced father!
So some of these woman my teens already know. These women come and sit next to my daughter and the next thing I know they are speaking to me and telling me their names and more about themselves. I have to be careful. Either not to play too much into it, or not to miss a big hint. (life is fun)”
Do you have any concerns about what would happen if you dated someone from church and it didn’t work out? I had those concerns about dating someone from my theater troupe. Things would get awkward if we broke up. I still dated him, however, but I had never viewed the troupe as a place to look for dates. In a theater group, dating around the troupe members wouldn’t be a big dal. If you were to go on dates with several women from your church would your church look askance? Is it against premarital sex?
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