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Post by baza on May 4, 2019 19:40:04 GMT -5
It remains of concern that your clock, initially at 344 days (back in August 2018) has ticked off another 274 days and is now down to 70 days plus change, but still no legal advice (which everything else hangs off) Brother solodriver . It might be a good idea to consult with your launch director to discuss whether it is possible to get everything done that needs to be done within the limited 70 days now available....or whether the countdown needs to be revised. Anecdotally in this group, the clock usually runs at 90 days. That is to say, from the day you get your legal advice, it takes about another 90 days from then to work out the finer detail of when and how you are going to drop the bomb - THEN the hard practical work of putting your exit strategy into action begins. You are down to under 90 days (by your original schedule) That, is going to be real tough to achieve.
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Post by solodriver on May 5, 2019 1:08:12 GMT -5
Thanks baza. Good thoughts to think about.
I will confirm this information during the attorney consult but, in the state I live in, I was told there is a 6 month waiting period from filing to court date. So at T-Minus 0 launch, it will be to have "The Talk", relocate myself and start a new life while awaiting the final divorce. I don't have to wait for the final divorce to do that; examples being shamwow, ballofconfusion, tirefire, choosinghappy, flashjohn and others.
On the other hand, if because of financial or logistical support system failures or both, I'm unable to leave on launch day, I will put the countdown clock on hold until those issues are cleared up to the point that the countdown can be resumed again. I'm feeling there is also a possibility that I may have to scrub the date and reset the date if I can't get the support I need to start the mission or, after the attorney consult, he/she feels I can't financially do this at this time.
Regardless, my plan is continue the countdown and move forward with the launch.
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Post by baza on May 5, 2019 2:34:00 GMT -5
I think that scrubbing the present clock would be the smart play Brother solodriver . Then, re-start it on the day you actually get your legal advice. Everything else, and all the little nuances of what is possible and legal, hangs off it.
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Post by saarinista on May 5, 2019 12:51:32 GMT -5
solodriver When it was time for me to see a lawyer and I needed the breakdown of the income/expenditures, this is how I did it: I told my then-H that someone I knew (coworker/friend/whomever) was having some health problems and it made me realize that I felt uncomfortable being in the dark about our finances because if, god forbid, something happened to HIM, I wouldn’t know where we stood financially, how to access certain accounts because I didn’t have the passwords, etc. He agreed and one afternoon we sat down and typed up a chart on everything and made sure I had access to it all. Done. I had a tidy little chart to bring to lawyer consults and hadn’t tipped my hand to him. Bit of a sidebar here, but IMHO EVERYONE should have access to all of their essential documents and account information in one secure place. I'm talking all their passwords, photocopies or originals of essential documents like marriage licenses, driver's licenses, birth certificates, government IDs passports, etc. Also, you want all of your investment accounts, insurance accounts, retirement accounts, contracts, warranties... you get the drift. Be very careful with this information and securely password protect it if you have it in digital format. Put the physical copies of this stuff in a safe if possible, or at least all of it in one place. It will save you loads of time frustration and possibly the nightmare of identity theft to do this, irrespective of any divorce plans. shamwow You are a techie organized type I believe. Can you recommend or would you recommend using one of those password-protecting programs which keeps all of your passwords safe using just one password? I'm vacillated between using LastPass and Keepass, I think are the two that I've seen most recommended. What do you think of those? Would you recommend one over the other, Etc? Keep moving on everything, solodriver !
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Post by Handy on May 5, 2019 14:20:09 GMT -5
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Post by saarinista on May 5, 2019 15:49:02 GMT -5
Handy do you use and, if so, are you happy with LastPass? thank you for the links.
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Post by baza on May 5, 2019 19:12:44 GMT -5
To the wider point raised by Sister saarinista ..... *Everyone* needs to know their financial situation, their spouses financial situation and their joint financial situation. That is so whether your marriage is an ILIASM shithole or a marriage made in heaven. It is a basic responsibility of every adult, as all marriages (yep, ALL of them) end due to divorce or death. And, you need to know this "NOW" - not be scrambling about trying to find out under the extreme pressure of a divorce / deceasement. Further, if your spouse exhibits any reluctance to share the financial facts with you, the warning siren is blaring. It is a big sign that there's something going on that they do not want you to know about, and the chances are that whatever that 'something' is, it ain't going to be in your best interests.
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Post by solodriver on May 8, 2019 21:08:38 GMT -5
Attorney consult Saturday afternoon.
I will be reviewing what everyone has posted concerning it between now and then.
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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 12, 2019 9:27:48 GMT -5
Okay, okay, thiz thread is making md laugh out loud so much I am stuffing my hands in mouth to shut myself up. So going to read later when alone so I dont get asked whats so funny.
You have got me thinking about my own launch pad.
If I change my mind or get it changed for me I need a plan.
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Post by solodriver on May 12, 2019 14:11:28 GMT -5
Thank you @ cassiopeia92 I had my first initial attorney consult yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, it was not as positive as I had hoped. The major concern was my financial situation, which is very negative and could seriously impact my short term plans. I have a lot to think about and consider what is in my best interest over the next several weeks. I may have to make some major adjustments in my mission planning. The launch is still doable but may have to be changed. The Mission Planning Director and the Launch Director are consulting and meetings are being held to discuss the situation. Looks like you were right again baza. In this case it really had nothing to do with when I had the attorney consult, but the financial situation that I'm in. And any decisions I make will be what's in MY best interest, not my refuser's. Our relationship will remain detached and as minimum as possible. I am actually working on an alternate mission plan but it will take longer to execute. And after yesterday's meeting, I'm thinking of yet another mission plan as well. But again that plan will set my launch date forward quite awhile. As disappointing as yesterday was, I'm not giving up on trying to have happiness in my life with love and intimacy, but it was very hard to swallow that my current plans may not work for me or be in my best interest. I did not sleep last night thinking about this.
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Post by solodriver on May 12, 2019 18:11:05 GMT -5
I needed to correct something I said in last post: My plan will set back the launch date, not move it forward.
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Post by workingonit on May 12, 2019 18:11:54 GMT -5
SD you are AMAZING!! I am so happy for you that you did this major step. Knowledge is power my friend. I am so glad you have dreams and those should continue to serve as your inspiration. But you need the facts on the ground. The dream of getting to the moon inspires the astronaut but then there needs to be learning, preparation and knowledge before the dream can happen.
I am actually very excited for you despite the clear challenges you are facing! Movement!! Yay!
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Post by solodriver on May 12, 2019 22:43:59 GMT -5
Thank you to shamwow, baza, choosinghappy for your information that I used in preparation for my consultation. And THANK YOU workingonit for your positive thoughts, even when things don't go as planned. You are also AMAZING!
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Post by baza on May 13, 2019 3:33:24 GMT -5
This is really for newbies rather than you Brother solodriver . Anyone who is married needs to know how things would shake out legally / financially should they suddenly become "un-married". The reason is that ALL marriages (that's 100% of them) end due to divorce or death. As a responsible adult, you need to know this shit. If you are in an ILIASM deal, it's even more important. If you are considering divorce (or your spouse is) - even just theoretically - it's vital information that you need.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 20, 2019 22:20:40 GMT -5
"This is Solodriver Launch Control.
The mission to launch Solodriver into a new life has been postponed due to major financial issues. There is a major debt problem and no money in savings to start with all the items needed such as rent down payments, utilities food, etc. We owe too much on the first and second mortgage of the house and if we were able to sell it, all the money from it would be sucked into paying off the mortgages. There is no money to retain a lawyer at this time. All of these financial concerns were brought up with my attorney consult a few months ago.
There is a new plan that the Solodriver Mission Control Team has put together, but the mission under this plan will be postponed about 3 years.
This is Solodriver Launch Control."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Today my wife and I had a talk on our relationship. It went good actually. We agreed that our marriage is in name only and that we are actually just living as room mates.
As of today we live as roommates. No sharing of the bathroom, I'm not doing her laundry anymore or washing her dishes, I'm not cleaning up behind her the messes she leaves. I'm not responsible for her vehicle maintenance or for checking her car on a regular basis. We will not be going anywhere together. We may make an exception for Thanksgiving and Christmas to go out to eat or I may go by myself or her by herself if invited anywhere. Not sure how that is going to work out until the time comes and now really isn't the time to do that yet. We will share the housework and I will not be doing the parts that she is responsible for.
We are still negotiating how to handle our finances, which of course, is a huge part of our problems.
I've had a few months to ponder this so I'm pretty calm and clear about it. But it is a new situation for her, which really surprised me when I shared this with her. I've been working on myself and facing my reality for about the past year since we talked last summer and realized that I was the only one who cared about our relationship. Then I got mad and realized that our relationship meant ZERO to her. So I've been building my mental wall around myself and I will only have conservations with her as short and concise as possible. I don't even remotely think of her in a romantic, sexual way because it actually disgusts me.
I've worked hard to put my mind in a different place and try to rebuild my self-esteem thanks to this forum!
My next step will be when the financial situation will allow it is separation.
So for now, things are going as good as they can be. I've agreed to try and not be so angry when we talk, and I think that not caring anymore will really help me accomplish that. I don't have to care anymore about us or her. I just need to really focus on myself to repair the major damage that I've endured under her 20 years of rejection.
About sex, intimacy and affection:
I didn't discuss that part of our relationship other than to say that I've felt total disconnect in our relationship for the past several years and I have mentioned it several times as well. Last year when I said I wanted to work to bring us back together and made several suggestions to help repair the damage, every single one was rejected and the few that we try, she failed to respond to. So we have been living in a "legal entity" (marriage) as roommates and since there was no money to end it at this time, that we need to live as roommates. It's way past too late to recover this marriage and I have absolutely NO DESIRE to do so. I just want to move forward with whatever time I have left and hope that I can find happiness again maybe. It sure will not be with my wife. The rejection pain is just too much to see through.
She said that because of her health and menopause she lost interest in anything physical or sexual. Even hates being hugged because of shoulder pain. And then she tried to tell me that I wasn't caring and understanding of her issues after I had mentioned that she didn't seem interested in trying to resolve those issues so we could be together. So the circular DARVO argument was started and I stopped it by saying, I'm not going to talk about it anymore. But I so desperately need sex, intimacy and touch in my life again and after this trial final year, she has made it very clear it will NOT BE with her EVER AGAIN.
I don't see anything on my horizon that will help me rebuild that part of my life. I have to try and live with the reality that I may not ever have that again in my loss...One of the major causalities of letting this SM go on for so long.
OK, it's time for me to move on.
I'll use this thread updated as events warrant.
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