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Post by workingonit on Aug 9, 2018 9:01:04 GMT -5
Humans seek out homeostasis, balance, and comfort. It is difficult and unnatural to hurt ourselves and destroy the stability of ourselves or loved ones, particularly our children.
Sometimes when I am thinking and planning to leave I feel this unbelievable lethargy come over me, a longing for the comfort of the known, the routine of my home and relationship with my h. I chastise myself that I am CAUSING PAIN because of my selfish need for intimacy.
This is a big block for me and a big reason why choosing to stay happens, IMO. Those of us who still have pleasant homes and nice friendships with our SO can justify staying due to comfort, inertia, natural instinct to stay comfortable.
I would like to eliminate inertia from my personal equation.
We have these 2 leather lounge chairs. For years we would sit in them to talk or watch a movie or whatever. When I sit in the chair it is incredibly comfortable. My dogs get on there with me and I have awesome soft blankets and I feel sometimes like I literally cannot move due to how comfortable I am. Like I am stuck there for hours because I am lulled into not moving due to the extreme comfort. I am almost numb from being comfortable if that makes sense.
A few months ago I stopped sitting in that chair. I don't want to be comfortably numb in any part of my life anymore.
What are the ways staying is comfortable for you? Do you ever feel like you are being selfish for making things uncomfortable? Have you faced your own inertia as a factor in your choice to stay? What helped?
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Post by workingonit on Aug 9, 2018 9:08:14 GMT -5
Replying to my own post! I just wanted to quote WindSister here and officially take this on as my motto: Hurl yourself out of constricting comfort cages and fly Even choosing to stay this needs to happen. I think choosing to stay sexless because of comfort is a cage. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 11:40:56 GMT -5
Replying to my own post! I just wanted to quote WindSister here and officially take this on as my motto: Hurl yourself out of constricting comfort cages and fly Even choosing to stay this needs to happen. I think choosing to stay sexless because of comfort is a cage. That is absolutely true. Right now, for those who have seen my thread, things are changing quickly in my marriage. I'm not sure what's going to happen. But the dynamics changed a great deal a month or so ago, and both of us are happier now than we've ever been.... because (at least for now) the cage is busted open and the old "comfort" is seen as anything but comfortable. I'm starting to like change. |
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Post by Dan on Aug 9, 2018 20:23:22 GMT -5
I think I may see TWO distinct form of inertia: workingonit speaks of inertia borne out of comfort. (I feel this is synonymous with: "avoiding the perceived effort and/or pain of leaving") I have what I think is a slightly different version of inertia. Since I've decided to stay at least until my daughter gets into college, I have really started detaching from my wife: doing my own thing, not seeking her input or approval nearly as much. This independence has VASTLY improved my attitude! I like my life quite a bit better; I'm simply don't have much time for my former self pity: "oh, woe is sexless me!" So that detachment is good right? It SHOULD make it even easier for me to make some plans, have The Talk, cut the cord, and move on with my life, right? Well... yes... it is. But -- oddly -- at the same time it is also making me realize: "hey... I've found a path that is livable for now. Maybe just maybe I could stay in the marriage indefinitely." Maybe that sounds like another version of "comfort inertia"... but I still think different. Somewhere in my growing confidence that I really COULD leave if/when I want to, there is less of a despair/panic making me want to BOLT NOW. So, in a weird way, it is a kind of inertia. |
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Post by Dan on Aug 9, 2018 20:24:09 GMT -5
Somewhere in my growing confidence that I really COULD leave if/when I want to, there is less of a despair/panic making me want to BOLT NOW. Or maybe I'm totally fooling myself: I've suckered myself in to "living on [relationship] crumbs" for so long, just having a few friends outside the scope of my wet-blanket wife feels like "a real life", and I've just lowered my expectations for happiness so much that this feels "almost normal". |
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catsloveme
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Post by catsloveme on Aug 9, 2018 23:28:44 GMT -5
Somewhere in my growing confidence that I really COULD leave if/when I want to, there is less of a despair/panic making me want to BOLT NOW. Or maybe I'm totally fooling myself: I've suckered myself in to "living on [relationship] crumbs" for so long, just having a few friends outside the scope of my wet-blanket wife feels like "a real life", and I've just lowered my expectations for happiness so much that this feels "almost normal". I think we sometimes do what we have to do to get by, to cope. We do what we have to in order to achieve something we deem important. In your case, at the moment, it’s maintaining some stability for your daughter through her school years. I wonder how your feelings about your marriage will change once you’ve reached the milestone of your daughter leaving for college. Do you have a gut feeling about that? |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2018 16:10:26 GMT -5
I can weigh in on the "kids leaving for College" milestone. For many years in my 40's (I'm 51) I was vaguely planning on leaving when the kids were all out of the house but there was a catch. The catch was, I wanted to give the empty nest intimacy a try although I didn't really realize that I had that in my mind. When my empty nest advances (not for sex-just for a connection) were rebuffed it brought me to this forum. I thought I had settled but I was so hurt that it surprised me, apparently I hadn't settled.
Now she goes way out of the way to get the kids (all in college) home. Vacations, visits, etc. are all as a family. I'm pretty sure it's at least partly to keep us from having to be alone together. Her fear of intimacy runs deep and at all levels.
Anyway, back to College kids. They seem to need us more than I expected and not only to haul furniture : ), their young adult emotional needs are high too. I understand the milestone but it may not be as clear cut as you want it to be.
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Post by baza on Aug 13, 2018 19:19:43 GMT -5
I can weigh in on the "kids leaving for College" milestone. For many years in my 40's (I'm 51) I was vaguely planning on leaving when the kids were all out of the house but there was a catch. The catch was, I wanted to give the empty nest intimacy a try although I didn't really realize that I had that in my mind. When my empty next advances (not for sex-just for a connection) were rebuffed it brought me to this forum. I thought I had settled but I was so hurt that it surprised me. Now she goes way out of the way to get the kids (all in college) home. Vacations, visits, etc. that I'm pretty sure it's at least partly to keep us from having to be alone together. Her fear of intimacy runs deep and at all levels. Anyway, back to College kids. They seem to need us more than I expected particularly emotionally. I understand the milestone but it may not be as clear cut as you want it to be. I think you have unearthed a basic truth there Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 . One may think - "when the kids are at college there's one problem out of the way, so at that time I will have less problems to deal with so I could exit much easier". The thing is, that as events in our life unfold, some "old" problems might disappear, but new ones emerge in their place. Like you say here....the problem of the kids being underfoot has gone, but you are finding that - "They seem to need us more than I expected particularly emotionally" Any choice we make (or for that matter DON'T make) brings its' problems with it. There is no "consequence free" choice. This will be so if you revised your thinking to - "I'll do something once they are all FINISHED college" By then, there'll be a new raft of problems. Same as if the choice is moved to "when they are settled in their careers" The broader point being - there is no big life event or choice you can make that fixes everything. That simply does not happen. |
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Post by JMX on Aug 13, 2018 20:40:32 GMT -5
I often imagine that were I to get divorced - my 15 year old would have turned 16 by then - and she would mope around the house, with goth-gear on, a nose ring and get pregnant.
I actually feel like my little one would be okay. Maybe she would turn into the ring-leader of the mean girls club, but for the most part, she would be fine.
Here’s the thing - my oldest only peripherally is interested in boys, refuses to get her ears pierced and rarely wears make up. She does wear a lot of black - but it’s mostly her running gear because she’s pretty awesome at XCountry. All her choices. But, I don’t want to be the catalyst that fucks any of that up. She’s really, really a lovely person and has a sweet soul. She is an introvert that is overly concerned about her health.
My little one has the heart of an empath. She can read the emotional temperature of a room. She FEELS it if someone is left out. She feels for them.
But most of my imagined “horrors” are stories I tell myself. These stories keep me in my marriage, I tell them about my husband too.
I am an imaginative story-teller. Truth is - history has yet to be written. I am no Nostradamus.
I live in a really religious area of the United States. It doesn’t phase me one bit NOT being religious. In fact, if I recall - we have the most churches per capita, as well as the most porn usage per capita. We also have the most PHD’s. I find the juxtaposition charming.
Today - a lady I was working with - super religious, told me not to “speak on the evil”. I had just listened to a podcast about trying to avoid the negative thoughts so as not to let them work in that favor - from a hippie-dippie-do that I just KNOW had some form of Kale in his breakfast smoothie. That or grass.
My point? Each interpretation is ridiculous and RIGHT.
Be positive about the outcome. Life happens.
Event+Response = Outcome.
If you THINK the event that is happening to you is the worst ever - it will be. If you think it’s the best ever, it will be that.
We are ALL responsible for our thoughts on our life. I, for one, have been screwing it up by being negative.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 14, 2018 9:05:00 GMT -5
I've been discovering a new yardstick to measuring how my kids are doing after the divorce and should I have stayed married. It's the stories my teens tell me about ALL the friends at school whose parents are divorced and what they don't like about it. It makes me say " wow, I'm doing really good for my kids and I made the right decisions, for now". ( I chose the one week on one week off schedule and we live 2 miles from each other)
Just a few examples of 'other' bad stories. ( these are H.S. kids)
One boy goes to his mom's house one day, and his father's house the next day. Back and forth, day after day.
One girl is living with her mom all during the school year. She goes to stay with her dad for the summer and Christmas break (1400 miles away). She can't stand her father's girlfriend. She would rather stay with her mom and see her H.S. friends during the summer.
Another boy that my daughter dated for a little while, he barely mentioned how long ago his parents got divorced. He can't stand his fathers girlfriend, he likes his father, he would rather not be with his mother, and he barely mentioned my daughter , his girlfriend at the time, to his parents.
The stories go on, and on,so kids in school have it all around them. I can imagine there are also stories of " We are all much better off now that mom and dad are divorced" along with " I wish my parents weren't together".
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